In this case, the test confirmed what I already knew about my social anxiety, and gave me some solutions to the problem. Here is my result:
Monday 23 December 2013
Why people scare me
Today I took this test on a UK Psychology magazine website. I love these kinds of tests because they aren't just crap tests people make up; they actually give me insight. I think I've mentioned this before but I pride myself on my deep insight to my own psyche, however sometimes it's enlightening to have an outsider's view.
In this case, the test confirmed what I already knew about my social anxiety, and gave me some solutions to the problem. Here is my result:
In this case, the test confirmed what I already knew about my social anxiety, and gave me some solutions to the problem. Here is my result:
Sunday 24 November 2013
Intermission
The other weekend my old friends and I were sitting by a pool, our crystals laid out on deck chairs to cleanse in the sunlight. We had just been smoking a leisurely joint and began to talk about life and beauty, you know, the usual. Earlier I had seen my friend rescue a spider from the pool. I looked down beside me and I saw a ladybug on a tiny feather, floating near the edge of the pool. I scooped it up in my palm and lay it down on the concrete. Instantly, our conversation was diverted. We became transfixed at this sign of luck, the orange ladybug. We got on our bellies and watched with amazement as this incy wincy creature lifted its symmetrically patterned shell to reveal its tiny wings. As it attempted to dry its wings in this way, we noticed how intricately designed its shell was. Orange with little black patterns, almost as if they had been drawn on with a fine liner. It had two little eyes and legs smaller than the width of a hair. It was too perfect to be real. But there it stood, drying itself, preparing to fly off to safety.
I'm usually scared of bugs. Even ladybugs. But the love I experienced watching this creature overcame any disgust I could have felt. I'm sure the pot helped, I find it actually helps my brain detach from the feminine chaos of thought stream and focus in on one specific thing. But that's beside the point. We are so busy playing with our phones, worrying what we look like, trying to please other and our own egos, that we forget what a magical place we live in. We strive for our idea of perfection, when perfection already exists all around us. In the tiny ladybug, the veiny leaves of a plant, our own bodies that work effortlessly to keep us alive...
We take so much for granted... I take so much for granted.
I've been a bit disconnected lately, from myself. But what goes down must come back up again, and death always makes way for birth. I thought I was at a spiritual dead-end but when I think about it, I have learnt so much in the past two weeks, and a new theme is coming up for me: Yin and Yang.
Hopefully I'll be posting some more pretty soon :)
I'm usually scared of bugs. Even ladybugs. But the love I experienced watching this creature overcame any disgust I could have felt. I'm sure the pot helped, I find it actually helps my brain detach from the feminine chaos of thought stream and focus in on one specific thing. But that's beside the point. We are so busy playing with our phones, worrying what we look like, trying to please other and our own egos, that we forget what a magical place we live in. We strive for our idea of perfection, when perfection already exists all around us. In the tiny ladybug, the veiny leaves of a plant, our own bodies that work effortlessly to keep us alive...
We take so much for granted... I take so much for granted.
I've been a bit disconnected lately, from myself. But what goes down must come back up again, and death always makes way for birth. I thought I was at a spiritual dead-end but when I think about it, I have learnt so much in the past two weeks, and a new theme is coming up for me: Yin and Yang.
Hopefully I'll be posting some more pretty soon :)
Sunday 3 November 2013
My love-hate relationship with religion
When I was in the third grade at my small Catholic school, everyone was preparing for their "Reconciliation" ceremony which would lead onto their receiving of the Holy Communion. While everyone else was nervous at the prospect of confessing all their sins to a priest, I was relieved that I didn't have to do so. My school had told me that I could not take part in these religious ceremonies, as I was baptized Anglican, not Catholic. In every subsequent monthly mass, while everyone else stood and lined up to receive the 'body of Christ', 'the bread', or 'communion', I would have to sit in silence and watch them. This was the beginning of my break from religion. We were taught that God loved everyone. Yet, my school basically told me I was not allowed to enter God's kingdom. As a small child, I recognized that if there really was a God, he would not exclude me based on my baptism or any other factor.
Since that moment I had a strong dislike towards Christianity, and Catholicism in particular, which I haven't been quite able to shake, even in my quest towards tolerance and acceptance of others. I felt that God could not have been real if he killed people or imposed rules on people. I disrespected the church every time I was there for weddings, baptisms or whatever reason. I really disliked (putting it nicely) the last Pope and what he stood for, though the new Pope is kind of more favourable. These beliefs about the church have also not been helped by all the bible bashers in America who want to convert Gay people because of a couple of passages in a book that is centuries old and should not be taken literally, at all. I still don't understand how people don't believe in magic, yet they believe there is a man in the sky who created us all. Go figure...
Anyway, religion has made a few appearances in my life where I have been forced to challenge these ideas that formed when I was so young. By the time I started to think about conspiracies, I had concluded that the Bible was a bunch of crap orchestrated by a patriarchy who desired to control the world with strict doctrines and fear. I then stumbled upon my first conspiracy thread, which talked about how the revelations was a prediction of the Roman Empire and how it had continued into modern day America. That was an extremely long but highly convincing thread about the parallels between society and the ancient text's account of our downfall. It was very compelling to me, but it required me to re-evaluate whether the Bible really was a bunch of bullcrap or whether it was something else, maybe a metaphor or a prediction, rather than a literal transcript of actual events. Some while later, I watched the documentary Zeitgeist, which highlighted the parallels between ancient religions and modern day religions. This again, was compelling to me, as that meant that the Bible had not been simply put together as fiction. It had some basis in history.
The most recent catalyst for a change in attitude has been beginning psychic development classes with my cousin, who can contact spirits and is into what people call "New Age" spirituality. And yet, he believes in angels, specifically Christian angels such as Jesus, Mary, Archangels Michael and Gabriel, and so on. He also refers to the "higher power" as 'God'. I have preferred not to do so, as just the word God symbolizes, to me, restriction, compartmentalization, strict beliefs and doctrines. But as I have developed throughout these classes, and developed more open-mindedness, I have realized that God is just the name for this thing that we can all feel within us. God does not need to mean "a man in the sky who kills people if they disobey him". God can just as well refer to the universe, or the cosmos, love, or the singularity before the big bang.
Maybe the God in the Bible doesn't even refer to an actual being. Maybe it is a metaphor of a symbol for the thing that connects us all. Reading "The Lost Symbol" by Dan Brown tonight has really opened my eyes to the potential symbolism of the Bible. I find it funny that God was the one thing I have strived to reject, when all along I have been lead along the path to find God. I still feel uncomfortable calling it God, I prefer calling it the universe, or love... To me, the universe is God. God is the universe. The universe is within me and it is within everyone else. It's also funny that throughout school we were constantly told that God is within us, and that God is everywhere at once. Because now I can see that this is SO true! We are all connected through God. It's just that everyone takes it too literally and thinks God is a man with a white beard who sits in the clouds! The truth is much more profound than that!
Indeed, we came from God and will one day return to God. But God will not meet us with open arms or a warm embrace.. we will one day return to the gigantic web of the universe where no physical boundaries exist between us. We will not be able to hug God, but we will feel as if we are a PART of God. Oneness!
It still feels wrong saying God. Too Christiany... I feel like a preacher. But there is no wrong way to say it, as long as we are all talking about the same thing I guess, so saying 'God' is a good exercise to reduce my own prejudice.
It feels good writing again! I plan to do a lot more soon :)
Until then,
Peace <3
Since that moment I had a strong dislike towards Christianity, and Catholicism in particular, which I haven't been quite able to shake, even in my quest towards tolerance and acceptance of others. I felt that God could not have been real if he killed people or imposed rules on people. I disrespected the church every time I was there for weddings, baptisms or whatever reason. I really disliked (putting it nicely) the last Pope and what he stood for, though the new Pope is kind of more favourable. These beliefs about the church have also not been helped by all the bible bashers in America who want to convert Gay people because of a couple of passages in a book that is centuries old and should not be taken literally, at all. I still don't understand how people don't believe in magic, yet they believe there is a man in the sky who created us all. Go figure...
Anyway, religion has made a few appearances in my life where I have been forced to challenge these ideas that formed when I was so young. By the time I started to think about conspiracies, I had concluded that the Bible was a bunch of crap orchestrated by a patriarchy who desired to control the world with strict doctrines and fear. I then stumbled upon my first conspiracy thread, which talked about how the revelations was a prediction of the Roman Empire and how it had continued into modern day America. That was an extremely long but highly convincing thread about the parallels between society and the ancient text's account of our downfall. It was very compelling to me, but it required me to re-evaluate whether the Bible really was a bunch of bullcrap or whether it was something else, maybe a metaphor or a prediction, rather than a literal transcript of actual events. Some while later, I watched the documentary Zeitgeist, which highlighted the parallels between ancient religions and modern day religions. This again, was compelling to me, as that meant that the Bible had not been simply put together as fiction. It had some basis in history.
The most recent catalyst for a change in attitude has been beginning psychic development classes with my cousin, who can contact spirits and is into what people call "New Age" spirituality. And yet, he believes in angels, specifically Christian angels such as Jesus, Mary, Archangels Michael and Gabriel, and so on. He also refers to the "higher power" as 'God'. I have preferred not to do so, as just the word God symbolizes, to me, restriction, compartmentalization, strict beliefs and doctrines. But as I have developed throughout these classes, and developed more open-mindedness, I have realized that God is just the name for this thing that we can all feel within us. God does not need to mean "a man in the sky who kills people if they disobey him". God can just as well refer to the universe, or the cosmos, love, or the singularity before the big bang.
Maybe the God in the Bible doesn't even refer to an actual being. Maybe it is a metaphor of a symbol for the thing that connects us all. Reading "The Lost Symbol" by Dan Brown tonight has really opened my eyes to the potential symbolism of the Bible. I find it funny that God was the one thing I have strived to reject, when all along I have been lead along the path to find God. I still feel uncomfortable calling it God, I prefer calling it the universe, or love... To me, the universe is God. God is the universe. The universe is within me and it is within everyone else. It's also funny that throughout school we were constantly told that God is within us, and that God is everywhere at once. Because now I can see that this is SO true! We are all connected through God. It's just that everyone takes it too literally and thinks God is a man with a white beard who sits in the clouds! The truth is much more profound than that!
Indeed, we came from God and will one day return to God. But God will not meet us with open arms or a warm embrace.. we will one day return to the gigantic web of the universe where no physical boundaries exist between us. We will not be able to hug God, but we will feel as if we are a PART of God. Oneness!
It still feels wrong saying God. Too Christiany... I feel like a preacher. But there is no wrong way to say it, as long as we are all talking about the same thing I guess, so saying 'God' is a good exercise to reduce my own prejudice.
It feels good writing again! I plan to do a lot more soon :)
Until then,
Peace <3
Tuesday 15 October 2013
Limbo
So I started this blog to keep me distracted while my boyfriend was away for 3 months. Really, it turned out to be a piece of cake! I got my life together, in terms of family life, connecting with people that matter, spending time alone, studying and giving up smoking and being a stoner.
I thought it would all go uphill from here. However, sometimes I can be a bit too optimistic. I'm trying to analyse why this is happening in terms of all that I've learnt in my degree. I thought I knew myself well - better than most people know themselves - but sometimes, like now, I am left stumped. What can I attribute this feeling to? It feels like... loss. Like stagnation. I'm unsure where to go. Maybe I had a moment of insecurity and I latched onto it, holding it close. That's a mistake I almost made a couple of weeks ago. I'm fighting it in my head, but sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between myself and an intruder. Sometimes I mistake that voice for my own and take it on board, only to find it makes me feel worse. That's mostly when I can tell it's not me.
I'm hoping it's just a feeling of being in limbo... I've finished my classes, and now it's like I'm in the waiting room for exams. Waiting never makes anyone feel good. You often get bored, restless, trying to distract yourself from the slowing down of time. Fiddling, playing mundane games in your head, checking the same thing over and over on your phone. It's uncomfortable, you want to rest but you can't because you need to be alert when they call you, you need to be ready. After a long time of waiting you start to go a little crazy. Especially if you're alone, waiting to be released or moved on to something else. It's just you and your thoughts and time.
I guess I haven't been making the most of this time though. Instead of studying I've been waiting. Waiting for this to be over, waiting for freedom. I'm sure I could do something more constructive. I'm focused on my peculiar mental state though, which tends to make it worse.
Tomorrow, the goal is to study. To fill my brain with info. Then there won't be room for any crazy talk.
I thought it would all go uphill from here. However, sometimes I can be a bit too optimistic. I'm trying to analyse why this is happening in terms of all that I've learnt in my degree. I thought I knew myself well - better than most people know themselves - but sometimes, like now, I am left stumped. What can I attribute this feeling to? It feels like... loss. Like stagnation. I'm unsure where to go. Maybe I had a moment of insecurity and I latched onto it, holding it close. That's a mistake I almost made a couple of weeks ago. I'm fighting it in my head, but sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between myself and an intruder. Sometimes I mistake that voice for my own and take it on board, only to find it makes me feel worse. That's mostly when I can tell it's not me.
I'm hoping it's just a feeling of being in limbo... I've finished my classes, and now it's like I'm in the waiting room for exams. Waiting never makes anyone feel good. You often get bored, restless, trying to distract yourself from the slowing down of time. Fiddling, playing mundane games in your head, checking the same thing over and over on your phone. It's uncomfortable, you want to rest but you can't because you need to be alert when they call you, you need to be ready. After a long time of waiting you start to go a little crazy. Especially if you're alone, waiting to be released or moved on to something else. It's just you and your thoughts and time.
I guess I haven't been making the most of this time though. Instead of studying I've been waiting. Waiting for this to be over, waiting for freedom. I'm sure I could do something more constructive. I'm focused on my peculiar mental state though, which tends to make it worse.
Tomorrow, the goal is to study. To fill my brain with info. Then there won't be room for any crazy talk.
Saturday 12 October 2013
Isolation
Feeling really down this week. Couldn't figure out why until I realised that I am feeling really isolated. As an extrovert, I gain energy from being with people I love, and people in general. And as someone with anxiety, I hate feeling excluded; I want to be a part of everything that is important to me. This is a tricky situation, as it can make me feel like people don't appreciate me, when really, I am excluding myself, due to exams which are in a week.
I am missing out on Wah Wah's 6th birthday tonight, which wouldn't be a problem except that my boyfriend got me a special invite because he DJs there. And since he is part of the 'Wah family', I really wanted to be there and show my face. But I can't, and it's really upsetting because everyone is going... even people who I don't like. I just feel like they are there to show their support, and I can't be, and it makes them look better than me. And they all get to have fun together while I'm stuck at home. No this is not the most important thing in the world, I know that, but everyone is making it out to be.
I can't get around this either, because I live at home, and my mum is my boss, and she will be livid if I go out partying all night when I'm taking work off to study for exams.
On top of that, my friends seem to be going out and doing stuff on the weekends together and I can't be a part of that either. Irrationally, I feel excluded from my own friendship group, like I'm not important. Even though it's my own doing.
My mind is going crazy.
Nothing gets me down like isolation does.
I am missing out on Wah Wah's 6th birthday tonight, which wouldn't be a problem except that my boyfriend got me a special invite because he DJs there. And since he is part of the 'Wah family', I really wanted to be there and show my face. But I can't, and it's really upsetting because everyone is going... even people who I don't like. I just feel like they are there to show their support, and I can't be, and it makes them look better than me. And they all get to have fun together while I'm stuck at home. No this is not the most important thing in the world, I know that, but everyone is making it out to be.
I can't get around this either, because I live at home, and my mum is my boss, and she will be livid if I go out partying all night when I'm taking work off to study for exams.
On top of that, my friends seem to be going out and doing stuff on the weekends together and I can't be a part of that either. Irrationally, I feel excluded from my own friendship group, like I'm not important. Even though it's my own doing.
My mind is going crazy.
Nothing gets me down like isolation does.
Thursday 10 October 2013
Faith
Had a great chat at uni the other day with a vibrant girl from the Christian Union who approached me to talk about faith. After viewing a short cartoon, she asked me how it related to my own faith. The whole conversation that stemmed from there was surprisingly awesome, and I found that I connected well with this Christian girl, that in fact we shared very similar ideas about the world and the same values. It reminded me that we see the world from all different perspectives but what really unites us is love and understanding!
I want to share with you a few things that I shared with her, as through this conversation I realized how very little I get to talk about something that I am so deeply passionate about. I also never thought of myself as a person with a faith, maybe because I don't name it. I just think of it as my set of beliefs.
God, or the Source, is for me, like in other religions, where we all came from. I like to think of the God concept as the Big Bang. At the moment, the widely accepted theory is that the Big Bang originated from a singularity- a single point of mass in a void where space and time did not exist. Considering that everything in our universe supposedly came from this singularity, it's rational to say that, since we were all 'one' when this happened, that we are still 'one' with everything around us. Everything we are made, the stars are made of, even what space is made of, originated from this point. This is why I love to say that we are all pieces of the puzzle; The puzzle of the universe!
Another thing about my faith that aligns with others is that I have a similar set of values. When talking with this girl, we both believed that we should have love and compassion for one another, and that we are too selfish now and scared of connecting with people in this 'dog eat dog' world. For me, this stems from the belief that we are all one... If you are me, and I am you, what am I afraid of? Why would I want to hurt you? For me it's really sad that we compete and are jealous and hateful of one another because this reflects on and creates how we treat ourselves... We did an exercise at Reach once where we had to make a criticism of another person, and then ask ourselves whether we had said the same thing about ourselves too... Every time. Another one of my favourite sayings is 'you must love yourself before you can love others'.
She also spoke to me about her underlying feeling that there's something wrong with the world, that its not working in the way it was meant to... I get this a lot. I got it from a young age. I always questioned why we work all our lives and then rest when we're too old to enjoy life properly. Now I question it in a deeper way, and try to remember that while I can't change how it works, I can work around it. I can do things to avoid having to rely on money and greed, such as remembering that my worth isn't dependent on my looks or possessions. Everything is impermanent, so it makes no sense to attach myself to anything. I can go natural, buy organic or grow my own food, which is like growing your own money, but allows my body to absorb pure, rich nutrients rather than the chemically altered crap that they sell in supermarkets. I can center myself in a more natural environment. All these things make me more at ease and closer to nature on this dying planet.
The last thing she asked me is where my beliefs came from. I thought about it for a minute, and realized that my beliefs materialized one day out of nowhere. I was always drawn to spiritual and space talk when I was young. I think when I watched zeitgeist I really awoke. Everything sort of clicked into place and I thought, this is right. My morals stem from my empathy as well, which allows me (or forces me) to feel others' pain, to really absorb it in my mind and heart.
I really believe that we can only find the answers within. I always want to know things, and I keep reminding myself that all I have to do is look within to find what I'm looking for. The trouble is trying to find the time and also the discipline to let the material world go and meditate without the interruption of my mind or anything else. I always plan to. But what if I am planning until I am old, and one day I realize I never did it? I was always waiting for the time when really, time doesn't exist, it is an illusion of the material world. I have to let go of time as well in order to properly explore consciousness....
I have a lot of self work to do.
Thursday 26 September 2013
Open your mind
I am 3 weeks away from the end of uni and I am keen as hell for a trip! I'm sick of this mundane routine based, 3 dimensional reality. I want to learn something new, explore the nature of my existence, explore the nature of the universe. That is my deepest desire and has been for some while.
In this blog post I want to take you on my journey with psychedelic 'drugs'. So far, I have only really tried LSD and psilocybin (magic mushrooms). They have distinct differences that I have tried to observe and figure out how each one is useful in different ways. I am keen to get onto DMT, as that's when the real shit happens. But anyway, here's what I have gathered from my trips.
LSD. Acid. Tabs. Cid. Lucy. Alice. Such beautiful names for something that can make you so fucked up. All psychedelics give you clarity, in the sense that you KNOW when things are happening that you didn't while you were sober. For instance, once I took it at my ex-housemates house, where I lived at the time. I was looking at the seating arrangements; it was a square loungeroom, but the way the couches and seats were positioned was kind of in a triangle hierarchy shape. The ones sitting at the top of the triangle were in computer chairs so they were higher up than everyone else. I saw this, and I knew that they were the ringleaders, that some kind of sick game was going on and we were all under their control. I hadn't sensed it before this trip, but a couple months down the track, and their game became clear. I don't talk to these people anymore. This is why you can't trip with people who you are uncomfortable with; you can't run from those feelings or push them down like you do when you want to be civilized. The feeling, their vibes, overcame me and I was scared. I wanted out of the trip. The thing is, once you get into a state of mind on acid you can't get rid of it. At least that's the way it is for me, I know everyone finds it different. But for me, the beginning of a bad trip means the rest of the trip is doomed.
In saying that, I have had some interesting experiences that weren't exactly bad but were frightening in some way, or just peculiar I guess. In my first big acid trip, it started off with throwing a large beach ball around. The colours trailed behind it, and it was as if it flew in slow motion. I could feel my eyes shining as I smiled. Everything was sparkly. It was like I was a kid again, finding the largest joy, laughing and feeling elated, at the sight of a ball in the air. Then things started turning weird.. I noticed that I would go off in a cycle that repeated itself. Like reality spun out of control, weirder and weirder, and then I would find myself feeling 'normal', almost sober, again. Then reality would spin out again. The same things would happen. It was freaky. I carried around a lollypop to bring myself back everytime I lost control. Soon I started to run around the room, and everytime I would get to the same point, it would be the same point in time but in another 'level' of reality, getting closer to 'normal' with each circle. It was like I was running up a staircase of time and space.
The last one I had was with my boyfriend. This was the biggest one I have ever had... we didn't expect our tabs to be that strong. We listened to music, and I could hear every tiny particle of each note of the song. Everything went so SLOW. I thoroughly enjoyed every second, although I had no concept of what a second was. Then, with each song, we began to slip out of reality into what I termed 'trips'. The same spirals I mentioned before, things would repeat and spin out, and then we would snap right back, and try to explain to each other what we had just experienced (we really should have recorded our voices, but the trips pulled us in so strong that we couldn't stay in reality for all that long). Soon, reality disappeared before my eyes, slowly fading out pixel by pixel, until I was standing in a black void. No kidding. I remember thinking that I didn't know what happened to my body, and hoped that I wouldn't wake up to find myself in an asylum. I also remember thinking I shouldn't walk anywhere because I might walk through a wall in 'normal' reality and wake up to find myself in a different room of the house... how would I explain that to his parents? I would have been way more scared, but I had my boyfriend with me in the void, so it was okay. The trip intensified to the point where we were standing atop our own 'trip slides'. Basically like a strong vortex pulling our minds in. The trouble was, we had separate ones. Eventually, we decided to jump. All I remember of this, is a lot of yellow, and colours, and that I knew that I was seeing the past and the future, and that time collapsed into one point. Time was an illusion, it's all happening at the same time. Unfortunately I don't remember much of this either! But I do remember what I thought as I observed all this. Fascinating. It was like I was still able to think to myself, normally, but I couldn't control what happened to reality.
Another interesting phenomenon I have discovered is what I call 'the grid'. It is like a lattice grid made of blue and pink/red laser light that cuts through the air in 3 dimensions (Up/down, Forward/back, side to side). The thing is, there is so many of these lines that it appears to be a fabric. Even the squares of it appear to have some sort of laser webbing, like liquid, swirling about. Others have also seen this grid. I am fascinated by it. I believe it has great potential to reveal the nature of space. Almost all the time on acid, the air feels thicker. I feel like I am viewing the world at a different angle. Somehow, it's like another dimension has unfolded before me. I called it 'High definition reality'. Like HD TV, it is so much more detailed and rich than 'normal reality'. I feel this has something to do with the grid. So yeah, this will be what I explore in my next acid trips.
Mushrooms are so much more smoother, for me at least. Acid makes me feel like I'm exploring a digital world, but mushrooms make me feel like I am some absurd kind of theme park. Everything seems rounder, and funnier. Much funnier! But also, like acid, you get that instant knowledge and clarity. I haven't had many mushroom trips at all, but I found them easier to control, so I prefer them over LSD. In my last magic mushroom adventure, my friends and I watched a video montage called Planet Earth . If you watch a tiny bit of it, it speaks for itself. The orchestra music was the clincher - watching this, I was SO amazed, that we lived on such a beautiful, alive place like this, and that stuff like this was happening that we would never see! It was so beautiful and so amazing that it was almost ridiculous that we had the privilege to live on this thing, and we never appreciate it. I just, laughed, a lot, to the point where tears rolled down my face. So many thoughts melded into one realization, and it seemed impossible that I had never come to this conclusion before. I don't remember the essence of it now because I'm not on mushrooms, and can't possibly think that many thoughts in that space of time. I think alot, but not that much! It was like doing a 26 page math problem in 2 seconds... quite overwhelming, and a beautiful experience. At one point, I decided to look at myself in the mirror. How often do you stare into your own eyes and appreciate the unique soul that you are? I know I don't, but this experience makes me want to do it more. I never felt more connected to myself, never felt more love and care, because I saw who I really was when I looked into my eyes. There is nothing like a good trip to throw everything about, and leave you with nothing but yourself, and nowhere to hide.
I really wish I could draw my trips. I've tried, but there's no way. It's just not of this world. And I don't have enough skill. Sigh. I would love to be able to express these experiences in a better way than with words. These experiences have changed how I see the world. It's like an awakening - my mind has been stretched so far that it can never go back to what it was. And I am thirsty for more.
Hmm, well I hope at least some of you have enjoyed reading this drug riddled post. I am aware that a lot of you will be shaking your heads in disapproval, and I was reluctant to post this at first. But then I thought of my favourite quote at the moment...
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" (Dr Seuss).
Thanks Dr. Seuss, and thanks to those that appreciate the real me, drugs and all.
In this blog post I want to take you on my journey with psychedelic 'drugs'. So far, I have only really tried LSD and psilocybin (magic mushrooms). They have distinct differences that I have tried to observe and figure out how each one is useful in different ways. I am keen to get onto DMT, as that's when the real shit happens. But anyway, here's what I have gathered from my trips.
LSD. Acid. Tabs. Cid. Lucy. Alice. Such beautiful names for something that can make you so fucked up. All psychedelics give you clarity, in the sense that you KNOW when things are happening that you didn't while you were sober. For instance, once I took it at my ex-housemates house, where I lived at the time. I was looking at the seating arrangements; it was a square loungeroom, but the way the couches and seats were positioned was kind of in a triangle hierarchy shape. The ones sitting at the top of the triangle were in computer chairs so they were higher up than everyone else. I saw this, and I knew that they were the ringleaders, that some kind of sick game was going on and we were all under their control. I hadn't sensed it before this trip, but a couple months down the track, and their game became clear. I don't talk to these people anymore. This is why you can't trip with people who you are uncomfortable with; you can't run from those feelings or push them down like you do when you want to be civilized. The feeling, their vibes, overcame me and I was scared. I wanted out of the trip. The thing is, once you get into a state of mind on acid you can't get rid of it. At least that's the way it is for me, I know everyone finds it different. But for me, the beginning of a bad trip means the rest of the trip is doomed.
In saying that, I have had some interesting experiences that weren't exactly bad but were frightening in some way, or just peculiar I guess. In my first big acid trip, it started off with throwing a large beach ball around. The colours trailed behind it, and it was as if it flew in slow motion. I could feel my eyes shining as I smiled. Everything was sparkly. It was like I was a kid again, finding the largest joy, laughing and feeling elated, at the sight of a ball in the air. Then things started turning weird.. I noticed that I would go off in a cycle that repeated itself. Like reality spun out of control, weirder and weirder, and then I would find myself feeling 'normal', almost sober, again. Then reality would spin out again. The same things would happen. It was freaky. I carried around a lollypop to bring myself back everytime I lost control. Soon I started to run around the room, and everytime I would get to the same point, it would be the same point in time but in another 'level' of reality, getting closer to 'normal' with each circle. It was like I was running up a staircase of time and space.
The last one I had was with my boyfriend. This was the biggest one I have ever had... we didn't expect our tabs to be that strong. We listened to music, and I could hear every tiny particle of each note of the song. Everything went so SLOW. I thoroughly enjoyed every second, although I had no concept of what a second was. Then, with each song, we began to slip out of reality into what I termed 'trips'. The same spirals I mentioned before, things would repeat and spin out, and then we would snap right back, and try to explain to each other what we had just experienced (we really should have recorded our voices, but the trips pulled us in so strong that we couldn't stay in reality for all that long). Soon, reality disappeared before my eyes, slowly fading out pixel by pixel, until I was standing in a black void. No kidding. I remember thinking that I didn't know what happened to my body, and hoped that I wouldn't wake up to find myself in an asylum. I also remember thinking I shouldn't walk anywhere because I might walk through a wall in 'normal' reality and wake up to find myself in a different room of the house... how would I explain that to his parents? I would have been way more scared, but I had my boyfriend with me in the void, so it was okay. The trip intensified to the point where we were standing atop our own 'trip slides'. Basically like a strong vortex pulling our minds in. The trouble was, we had separate ones. Eventually, we decided to jump. All I remember of this, is a lot of yellow, and colours, and that I knew that I was seeing the past and the future, and that time collapsed into one point. Time was an illusion, it's all happening at the same time. Unfortunately I don't remember much of this either! But I do remember what I thought as I observed all this. Fascinating. It was like I was still able to think to myself, normally, but I couldn't control what happened to reality.
Another interesting phenomenon I have discovered is what I call 'the grid'. It is like a lattice grid made of blue and pink/red laser light that cuts through the air in 3 dimensions (Up/down, Forward/back, side to side). The thing is, there is so many of these lines that it appears to be a fabric. Even the squares of it appear to have some sort of laser webbing, like liquid, swirling about. Others have also seen this grid. I am fascinated by it. I believe it has great potential to reveal the nature of space. Almost all the time on acid, the air feels thicker. I feel like I am viewing the world at a different angle. Somehow, it's like another dimension has unfolded before me. I called it 'High definition reality'. Like HD TV, it is so much more detailed and rich than 'normal reality'. I feel this has something to do with the grid. So yeah, this will be what I explore in my next acid trips.
Mushrooms are so much more smoother, for me at least. Acid makes me feel like I'm exploring a digital world, but mushrooms make me feel like I am some absurd kind of theme park. Everything seems rounder, and funnier. Much funnier! But also, like acid, you get that instant knowledge and clarity. I haven't had many mushroom trips at all, but I found them easier to control, so I prefer them over LSD. In my last magic mushroom adventure, my friends and I watched a video montage called Planet Earth . If you watch a tiny bit of it, it speaks for itself. The orchestra music was the clincher - watching this, I was SO amazed, that we lived on such a beautiful, alive place like this, and that stuff like this was happening that we would never see! It was so beautiful and so amazing that it was almost ridiculous that we had the privilege to live on this thing, and we never appreciate it. I just, laughed, a lot, to the point where tears rolled down my face. So many thoughts melded into one realization, and it seemed impossible that I had never come to this conclusion before. I don't remember the essence of it now because I'm not on mushrooms, and can't possibly think that many thoughts in that space of time. I think alot, but not that much! It was like doing a 26 page math problem in 2 seconds... quite overwhelming, and a beautiful experience. At one point, I decided to look at myself in the mirror. How often do you stare into your own eyes and appreciate the unique soul that you are? I know I don't, but this experience makes me want to do it more. I never felt more connected to myself, never felt more love and care, because I saw who I really was when I looked into my eyes. There is nothing like a good trip to throw everything about, and leave you with nothing but yourself, and nowhere to hide.
I really wish I could draw my trips. I've tried, but there's no way. It's just not of this world. And I don't have enough skill. Sigh. I would love to be able to express these experiences in a better way than with words. These experiences have changed how I see the world. It's like an awakening - my mind has been stretched so far that it can never go back to what it was. And I am thirsty for more.
Hmm, well I hope at least some of you have enjoyed reading this drug riddled post. I am aware that a lot of you will be shaking your heads in disapproval, and I was reluctant to post this at first. But then I thought of my favourite quote at the moment...
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" (Dr Seuss).
Thanks Dr. Seuss, and thanks to those that appreciate the real me, drugs and all.
Wednesday 25 September 2013
All signs point to change
My mind is a madhouse at the moment! I feel like there are 1000s of
little mes reminding me of things to do, telling me about things that
would be interesting to think about, trying to correct my behaviour,
motivating me, demotivating me... My mind feels like when you walk into a
room full of people and all you can hear is the buzzing of chatter.
Everyone's voice melds into one. No wonder I'm so distracted.
I have always been like this, but moreso now that I'm so close to finishing my degree. I'm getting so excited at the prospect of freedom that I just want it NOW! As it put it to my dad, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to run towards it. This attitude is also resulting in the universe throwing so many signs at me, so many opportunities, that I just want to take now, but can't. One more month, one more month and I can do whatever I want, I just gotta hang in there!
Looking over the past 3 months, I am quite proud of myself, I have achieved an enormous amount over such a little time! I thought I was going to struggle so much with my boyfriend away. Funny that, the morning he left, I bawled my eyes out and smoked weed all day... and now, I am 10x stronger.
I've quit smoking cigarettes - I am now 60 days smoke free, apart from two slip-ups, one where I was drunk and another when I was stressed to the max... But the important thing is that I have persevered and learnt from those mistakes (learning relapse prevention in Cognitive psych has been extra useful). However, I never expected that I would still be craving at this point! Cigarettes are so, so nasty and addictive. I have also gone from an everyday stoner to a once-a-week smoker. I can't decide which is a greater achievement! I feel like a new person. As a result, I am doing things that don't involve smoking weed, like visiting my family more, seeing non-smokers who do non-smoking activities, spending time at home by myself, and applying for jobs as a result of my newfound confidence... I just cannot describe how the decision to cut down has changed my life. It's freed me up to do so many things, and FEEL so many things that I was missing out on!
My uni performance has also excelled - even though I stills struggle with stress and lack of freedom, my uni attendance this semester is the highest it has ever been. I rarely missed classes and have handed in all my assignments. This is probably due to increased mental health. I did almost dig myself into a negative hole at one point, but brought myself out of it in about an hour. This is the fastest reverse of depression/anxiety that I have ever experienced. (I did it by seeing it as a separate entity. I talked to it, and I asked it why it was trying to tell me all these negative things. It quickly disappeared... I highly recommend that you try this!) I have really gained a new perspective on things. Uni isn't that important. And as a result, I've done better at it. Ironic, huh?
As a whole, I feel so much more powerful as a person. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything, I can achieve anything. I don't know if mania is still affecting me or if this is my true self, I still have to figure that out... but it is important that I stay confident rather than doubting myself. I struggle with this a lot, I am always analyzing myself, trying to figure out why I'm so happy. Am I unconsciously blocking negative feelings because my attachment figure is unavailable? Am I experiencing mania due to my antidepressants? Is this my anxiety acting up in a positive way? I really can't wait to go off my anti-depressants when uni finishes, so I can find out who I truly am! Am I destined to always be this bubbly and annoyingly happy? We will soon find out! ;)
So those are most of my thoughts lately, or as many as I could catch out amidst the buzz and chatter of my mind. I'm sure more will pop up throughout the day, that I will intend to write about, but will disappear from memory as more thoughts take over...
Now, to finish my second last assignment!
The end is nigh :)
I have always been like this, but moreso now that I'm so close to finishing my degree. I'm getting so excited at the prospect of freedom that I just want it NOW! As it put it to my dad, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to run towards it. This attitude is also resulting in the universe throwing so many signs at me, so many opportunities, that I just want to take now, but can't. One more month, one more month and I can do whatever I want, I just gotta hang in there!
Looking over the past 3 months, I am quite proud of myself, I have achieved an enormous amount over such a little time! I thought I was going to struggle so much with my boyfriend away. Funny that, the morning he left, I bawled my eyes out and smoked weed all day... and now, I am 10x stronger.
I've quit smoking cigarettes - I am now 60 days smoke free, apart from two slip-ups, one where I was drunk and another when I was stressed to the max... But the important thing is that I have persevered and learnt from those mistakes (learning relapse prevention in Cognitive psych has been extra useful). However, I never expected that I would still be craving at this point! Cigarettes are so, so nasty and addictive. I have also gone from an everyday stoner to a once-a-week smoker. I can't decide which is a greater achievement! I feel like a new person. As a result, I am doing things that don't involve smoking weed, like visiting my family more, seeing non-smokers who do non-smoking activities, spending time at home by myself, and applying for jobs as a result of my newfound confidence... I just cannot describe how the decision to cut down has changed my life. It's freed me up to do so many things, and FEEL so many things that I was missing out on!
My uni performance has also excelled - even though I stills struggle with stress and lack of freedom, my uni attendance this semester is the highest it has ever been. I rarely missed classes and have handed in all my assignments. This is probably due to increased mental health. I did almost dig myself into a negative hole at one point, but brought myself out of it in about an hour. This is the fastest reverse of depression/anxiety that I have ever experienced. (I did it by seeing it as a separate entity. I talked to it, and I asked it why it was trying to tell me all these negative things. It quickly disappeared... I highly recommend that you try this!) I have really gained a new perspective on things. Uni isn't that important. And as a result, I've done better at it. Ironic, huh?
As a whole, I feel so much more powerful as a person. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything, I can achieve anything. I don't know if mania is still affecting me or if this is my true self, I still have to figure that out... but it is important that I stay confident rather than doubting myself. I struggle with this a lot, I am always analyzing myself, trying to figure out why I'm so happy. Am I unconsciously blocking negative feelings because my attachment figure is unavailable? Am I experiencing mania due to my antidepressants? Is this my anxiety acting up in a positive way? I really can't wait to go off my anti-depressants when uni finishes, so I can find out who I truly am! Am I destined to always be this bubbly and annoyingly happy? We will soon find out! ;)
So those are most of my thoughts lately, or as many as I could catch out amidst the buzz and chatter of my mind. I'm sure more will pop up throughout the day, that I will intend to write about, but will disappear from memory as more thoughts take over...
Now, to finish my second last assignment!
The end is nigh :)
Monday 16 September 2013
Patience
I have a bit of an issue with time. When I want something, I want it now, or at least in the soonest possible time frame. This issue with time spreads across many different dimensions. When I was little, I watched my 2 minute noodles go around in the microwave. In high school, I wanted to be skinny straight away so I had to take the fastest possible route. Now, I am looking for the fastest possible way to achieve my first goal of being a counsellor.
I admit it, I expected that life was going to be a bit easier, that I would be able to get a job straight away. Recently, I downgraded those expectations. I now thought that I could do a part-time counselling degree for a year, as well as volunteer for a year, and THEN I would be able to get a job in my field. Upon applying for some volunteering roles, I discovered that training to be a helpline volunteer may take up to a year, and cost a shitload of money. Which I don't want to earn, because I'm sick of working a shit job that means nothing to me.
Well, it's time for me to harden up I think. But also, reprogram myself. I think my generation are so used to instant gratification (to the point where I will get pissed off if my iPhone lags- woop de doo), that we must have things now. Everything is so fast. I can find out answers to things on google within 30 seconds, I can pay bills within 5 minutes through internet banking, I don't even have to leave my bed to go shopping. We must definitely be the most impatient generation of humans to ever exist. So no wonder I'm somewhat of a lazy, self-entitled, giver-uperer. But I have resolved that I must not be a victim either.
So, patience. How may I develop patience? Well, meditation will probably help. And a new outlook. Maybe some self administered cognitive behavioural therapy. Yes I want a good job now, no it's not the end of the world that I will have to work an unfulfilling job for a couple more years. Yes I want to be a qualified something now, no it may not happen for a good couple of years either. Be realistic, but not pessimistic. This is my goal.
Still, I am scared. I am scared of having to face the prospect of failures. So maybe that is another reason for my overly optimistic attitude. "Unrealistic optimism", they call it, to avoid thinking about the horrible prospect of failure. I expect it will be easy, therefore I'm not that scared. But now, having to rearrange my gimme gimme gimme attitude into one of patience, perseverance and resilience, I'm going to have to face up to some failures. If I want to get anywhere, that is.
Oh life, how I love your challenges.
I admit it, I expected that life was going to be a bit easier, that I would be able to get a job straight away. Recently, I downgraded those expectations. I now thought that I could do a part-time counselling degree for a year, as well as volunteer for a year, and THEN I would be able to get a job in my field. Upon applying for some volunteering roles, I discovered that training to be a helpline volunteer may take up to a year, and cost a shitload of money. Which I don't want to earn, because I'm sick of working a shit job that means nothing to me.
Well, it's time for me to harden up I think. But also, reprogram myself. I think my generation are so used to instant gratification (to the point where I will get pissed off if my iPhone lags- woop de doo), that we must have things now. Everything is so fast. I can find out answers to things on google within 30 seconds, I can pay bills within 5 minutes through internet banking, I don't even have to leave my bed to go shopping. We must definitely be the most impatient generation of humans to ever exist. So no wonder I'm somewhat of a lazy, self-entitled, giver-uperer. But I have resolved that I must not be a victim either.
So, patience. How may I develop patience? Well, meditation will probably help. And a new outlook. Maybe some self administered cognitive behavioural therapy. Yes I want a good job now, no it's not the end of the world that I will have to work an unfulfilling job for a couple more years. Yes I want to be a qualified something now, no it may not happen for a good couple of years either. Be realistic, but not pessimistic. This is my goal.
Still, I am scared. I am scared of having to face the prospect of failures. So maybe that is another reason for my overly optimistic attitude. "Unrealistic optimism", they call it, to avoid thinking about the horrible prospect of failure. I expect it will be easy, therefore I'm not that scared. But now, having to rearrange my gimme gimme gimme attitude into one of patience, perseverance and resilience, I'm going to have to face up to some failures. If I want to get anywhere, that is.
Oh life, how I love your challenges.
Monday 9 September 2013
Thunderstorm
Nature is a lot like us (considering nature created us), but I think nature is a lot more lucky.
Nature can flow in and out of days without noticing the time,
while we are glued to our watches.
Nature can roar and scream with thunder and lightening,
unlike us, we keep our storms inside.
Nature can dance with circular winds and crashing waves all day long,
we must live in a structured way.
Nature can weep and suffer but will still rejuvinate,
alot of the time, we give up.
Nature gives itself unconditional love and nourishment,
often we are our own worst enemies.
Nature experiences life without a conscious thought nor a worry,
ours is plagued with these distractions.
Nature's goal is to be,
our goal is more, more, more.
I've always had a fascination with natural disasters and the weather. In particular, tonight's thunderstorm got me thinking about why I like them. I think it is because I envy it's freedom, it can thrash about, destroy things and act in a spontaneous manner, and people still think it is beautiful. You can't hate a storm; because a storm doesn't take on your feelings, there is no purpose in hating a storm. It just is. And even if we don't like it, we can't prevent it from doing whatever it wants. It doesn't care. It must feel amazing.
I want to be a thunderstorm.
Nature can flow in and out of days without noticing the time,
while we are glued to our watches.
Nature can roar and scream with thunder and lightening,
unlike us, we keep our storms inside.
Nature can dance with circular winds and crashing waves all day long,
we must live in a structured way.
Nature can weep and suffer but will still rejuvinate,
alot of the time, we give up.
Nature gives itself unconditional love and nourishment,
often we are our own worst enemies.
Nature experiences life without a conscious thought nor a worry,
ours is plagued with these distractions.
Nature's goal is to be,
our goal is more, more, more.
I've always had a fascination with natural disasters and the weather. In particular, tonight's thunderstorm got me thinking about why I like them. I think it is because I envy it's freedom, it can thrash about, destroy things and act in a spontaneous manner, and people still think it is beautiful. You can't hate a storm; because a storm doesn't take on your feelings, there is no purpose in hating a storm. It just is. And even if we don't like it, we can't prevent it from doing whatever it wants. It doesn't care. It must feel amazing.
I want to be a thunderstorm.
Sunday 8 September 2013
Maladaptive
So I have been feeling increasingly irritable lately. It seems my wave of mania is over and I'm thinking I'm at risk of diving into another depression.. which I really don't need at the moment, considering that my boyfriend is still away for another month and I have 4 more assignments to complete in 4 more weeks. The assignments seemed to kick it off. Stress, and perceived lack of freedom.
Each day I am fighting off negativity and anger which is overwhelming. I keep trying to open my heart and send out love, but it's emptier than usual. I can feel my heart breaking sometimes. It's breaking for the earth and for all living beings who are suffering at the hands of other horrible, selfish human beings. Humans who are so very alike, but emphasize their differences. Humans who want to push others down to get to the top. Humans who kill because they don't agree with one another. Humans who don't care about anyone else but themselves. Humans who just want money, looks, fame, power... and possession.
Sometimes, I am so ashamed to be human.
How is it that money is our greatest aim? How is it that we encourage rabid consumerism all in the name of economy and at the expense of the environment? How is it that we cannot give to others who are less fortunate than us? How is it that we are more concerned with a fake-reality TV show than the bombing of fellow humans? How is it that opinion is widely accepted as fact in newspapers? How is it that we criticize others based on their looks? How is it that some of us think we own land which never had a price in the first place? How is it that we value looks over spirit? How is it that war takes preference over peace?
We are a twisted and utterly disgusting species. And I want out of this planet. There must be some place across the universe with a more harmonious species.
These are my usual thoughts during a down period. I know when I get back into a positive frame of mind, I will be back to focusing on how I can spread love to everyone and BE the change. After writing this, I am more determined to try again and again. I don't want to become part of the source of hate.
I must breathe, relax, let go... and remember that this too shall pass.
Each day I am fighting off negativity and anger which is overwhelming. I keep trying to open my heart and send out love, but it's emptier than usual. I can feel my heart breaking sometimes. It's breaking for the earth and for all living beings who are suffering at the hands of other horrible, selfish human beings. Humans who are so very alike, but emphasize their differences. Humans who want to push others down to get to the top. Humans who kill because they don't agree with one another. Humans who don't care about anyone else but themselves. Humans who just want money, looks, fame, power... and possession.
Sometimes, I am so ashamed to be human.
How is it that money is our greatest aim? How is it that we encourage rabid consumerism all in the name of economy and at the expense of the environment? How is it that we cannot give to others who are less fortunate than us? How is it that we are more concerned with a fake-reality TV show than the bombing of fellow humans? How is it that opinion is widely accepted as fact in newspapers? How is it that we criticize others based on their looks? How is it that some of us think we own land which never had a price in the first place? How is it that we value looks over spirit? How is it that war takes preference over peace?
We are a twisted and utterly disgusting species. And I want out of this planet. There must be some place across the universe with a more harmonious species.
These are my usual thoughts during a down period. I know when I get back into a positive frame of mind, I will be back to focusing on how I can spread love to everyone and BE the change. After writing this, I am more determined to try again and again. I don't want to become part of the source of hate.
I must breathe, relax, let go... and remember that this too shall pass.
Thursday 29 August 2013
The old me
Just stumbled upon my other blogspot account by accident, and had a read of my old blogs. All three of them. Yeah, I have always been indecisive. I have always been a lot of things, but there are some things that have changed.
For instance, I'm not as cynical anymore. I no longer think there is no point to living, and that absolutely everyone only cares about themselves, and that life is the ultimate suck-fest. I still think that most people are metaphorical zombies but I try not to assume they are shit because of it... I try.
Also, I like myself now. I no longer struggle with my weight or calories in food. I no longer direct hatred towards myself. I no longer blame myself for things that go wrong or other people's misfortunes. Sure, I still criticise myself sometimes. But this rarely turns into full-blown self-hatred.
A third major change is how I handle my emotions. I no longer try to suppress guilt or sadness with a blade or drugs, and I am much better at expressing myself and trusting people. I still have a lot of trust issues but I handle them a bit (or a lot) better, I think. I am learning that it's okay to let someone know I care about them. Not everyone is going to hurt me. And if they do, I can bounce back.
Overall I am a much more positive person. Reading some of my old posts made me very, very sad. I can't believe I was ever in a state of mind where people were telling me that I seriously needed help. I didn't realise how suicidal I sounded. It never occurred to me that I would ever be happy and learn to love myself. All life was for me was a black hole. Darkness ahead, nothing to light the way. I cried out for help, I pitied myself, and at the same time, I shut everyone out.
So what flipped me to this point? 3 years ago, at my lowest of lows, where I had hurt everyone I possibly could and hated myself for it, where I thought I had lost everything... I met my current boyfriend. I don't think he even knows the extent of my past problems, and he doesn't need to. That was the old me, a me that I would rather leave behind... (as I discovered today)... In every new blog I started I vowed to 'start over', and finally, this was truly my new beginning. Unlike my ex, he didn't place emphasis on the fact that I had some body image and mental health issues... I think this really allowed me to base my identity on something new. I blossomed like a flower, slowly, but surely. My old plant had been burnt down and a new one rose from the ashes. Like a phoenix. I struggled, but I thrived. I healed with unconditional love. I continued to re-evaluated myself and how I viewed the world. And eventually, I started to awaken...
Meditation was my biggest turning point. The end of darkness and the beginning of a rainbow era. For the first time, I got to know and love my true self, the self I was running away from for so long. I discovered my power, my energy, my gifts. And even though I went through another bout of depression this year, it was nowhere as severe as it could have been. It was based on helplessness, not self-loathing. I didn't think I deserved it.
Funnily enough, this turning point actually happened at the brink of '2012'... Was this a rebirth for me? A beginning of a new age?
Whatever it was, I am so grateful that I don't feel those horrible feelings anymore, I'm so grateful I survived. I am so grateful for the people who helped me through, and who helped me grow into the 'new' me (or rather, 'true' me!).
I will never look back.
For instance, I'm not as cynical anymore. I no longer think there is no point to living, and that absolutely everyone only cares about themselves, and that life is the ultimate suck-fest. I still think that most people are metaphorical zombies but I try not to assume they are shit because of it... I try.
Also, I like myself now. I no longer struggle with my weight or calories in food. I no longer direct hatred towards myself. I no longer blame myself for things that go wrong or other people's misfortunes. Sure, I still criticise myself sometimes. But this rarely turns into full-blown self-hatred.
A third major change is how I handle my emotions. I no longer try to suppress guilt or sadness with a blade or drugs, and I am much better at expressing myself and trusting people. I still have a lot of trust issues but I handle them a bit (or a lot) better, I think. I am learning that it's okay to let someone know I care about them. Not everyone is going to hurt me. And if they do, I can bounce back.
Overall I am a much more positive person. Reading some of my old posts made me very, very sad. I can't believe I was ever in a state of mind where people were telling me that I seriously needed help. I didn't realise how suicidal I sounded. It never occurred to me that I would ever be happy and learn to love myself. All life was for me was a black hole. Darkness ahead, nothing to light the way. I cried out for help, I pitied myself, and at the same time, I shut everyone out.
So what flipped me to this point? 3 years ago, at my lowest of lows, where I had hurt everyone I possibly could and hated myself for it, where I thought I had lost everything... I met my current boyfriend. I don't think he even knows the extent of my past problems, and he doesn't need to. That was the old me, a me that I would rather leave behind... (as I discovered today)... In every new blog I started I vowed to 'start over', and finally, this was truly my new beginning. Unlike my ex, he didn't place emphasis on the fact that I had some body image and mental health issues... I think this really allowed me to base my identity on something new. I blossomed like a flower, slowly, but surely. My old plant had been burnt down and a new one rose from the ashes. Like a phoenix. I struggled, but I thrived. I healed with unconditional love. I continued to re-evaluated myself and how I viewed the world. And eventually, I started to awaken...
Meditation was my biggest turning point. The end of darkness and the beginning of a rainbow era. For the first time, I got to know and love my true self, the self I was running away from for so long. I discovered my power, my energy, my gifts. And even though I went through another bout of depression this year, it was nowhere as severe as it could have been. It was based on helplessness, not self-loathing. I didn't think I deserved it.
Funnily enough, this turning point actually happened at the brink of '2012'... Was this a rebirth for me? A beginning of a new age?
Whatever it was, I am so grateful that I don't feel those horrible feelings anymore, I'm so grateful I survived. I am so grateful for the people who helped me through, and who helped me grow into the 'new' me (or rather, 'true' me!).
I will never look back.
Saturday 10 August 2013
Another look at the Existential Givens
One of my earliest memories of self-talk, or thinking to myself, is one of Existential Isolation. Only today have I discovered this term and its meaning, and this memory came to mind.
I remember as a young girl, maybe 6? ...I thought it was younger, I'm not sure. It was probably when my sense of empathy began to develop, so around the age of 6-7. Every now and then I used become aware that I was looking at the world through my own eyes and I would say to myself, "This is MY life". This was the predominant thought, accompanied by the general sense of 'knowing' that other people were also living and experiencing life, but I would never see the world through anyone elses eyes. I wondered what they were seeing and why I could never see it. I must have been so unconsciously scared by the thought that another voice would always jump in and say "Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot".
As weird as this seemed to me at the time, this now holds a lot of significance to me. After reading about the 4 Existential givens/Ultimate concerns (mentioned in my last blog, see 'Love's Executioner' by Irvin D. Yalom), I realized that the voice that told me to shut up was protecting me from the concern of existential isolation. Existential isolation refers to the barrier that exists between the self and others, even in the presence of deep relationships. It is the fact that we are born alone and we die alone. This causes anxiety, and much like the other givens, we try to protect ourselves from this. A common way is to form a passionate relationship whereby we perceive that two become one. Yalom states that this attitude to a relationship is destined to cave, because we can never fully be one with another (at least in this physical form). This anxiety and how I use my relationships to combat it is definitely true for me, but I thought it was just because I haven't been so kind to myself in the past, and I am scared of how I will speak to myself when I am alone ("Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot" demonstrates this well!)... but this theory and my memory have opened me up to consider that a lot of my anxiety is about being alone, not just physically, but existentially.
Yesterday I was pondering about which attachment style I have (anxious - this theme pops up a lot in my life) and now I'm thinking about this. So many theories in psychology, so many possibilities. But nothing is concrete, I guess any explanation is a good one as long as it makes sense and helps with overcoming major problems in life!
Now that I think about it, Existential Theory is applied in a lot of places. Landmark Education (based on Scientology) did actually address the concerns that life is meaningless and that we have the freedom to live however we want. There was a great discussion about how we are responsible for everything that happens in our lives, and once we assume that responsibility rather than blaming it on external sources, we can free ourselves from our barriers and create our own meaning for our lives. That was probably the only good thing I got out of it, aside from learning how to spot a cult, and to be careful of self-help seminars as they will turn their beneficial learnings on you so you feel obligated to attend and fork out hundreds for future sessions...
Live and learn, every day.
I remember as a young girl, maybe 6? ...I thought it was younger, I'm not sure. It was probably when my sense of empathy began to develop, so around the age of 6-7. Every now and then I used become aware that I was looking at the world through my own eyes and I would say to myself, "This is MY life". This was the predominant thought, accompanied by the general sense of 'knowing' that other people were also living and experiencing life, but I would never see the world through anyone elses eyes. I wondered what they were seeing and why I could never see it. I must have been so unconsciously scared by the thought that another voice would always jump in and say "Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot".
As weird as this seemed to me at the time, this now holds a lot of significance to me. After reading about the 4 Existential givens/Ultimate concerns (mentioned in my last blog, see 'Love's Executioner' by Irvin D. Yalom), I realized that the voice that told me to shut up was protecting me from the concern of existential isolation. Existential isolation refers to the barrier that exists between the self and others, even in the presence of deep relationships. It is the fact that we are born alone and we die alone. This causes anxiety, and much like the other givens, we try to protect ourselves from this. A common way is to form a passionate relationship whereby we perceive that two become one. Yalom states that this attitude to a relationship is destined to cave, because we can never fully be one with another (at least in this physical form). This anxiety and how I use my relationships to combat it is definitely true for me, but I thought it was just because I haven't been so kind to myself in the past, and I am scared of how I will speak to myself when I am alone ("Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot" demonstrates this well!)... but this theory and my memory have opened me up to consider that a lot of my anxiety is about being alone, not just physically, but existentially.
Yesterday I was pondering about which attachment style I have (anxious - this theme pops up a lot in my life) and now I'm thinking about this. So many theories in psychology, so many possibilities. But nothing is concrete, I guess any explanation is a good one as long as it makes sense and helps with overcoming major problems in life!
Now that I think about it, Existential Theory is applied in a lot of places. Landmark Education (based on Scientology) did actually address the concerns that life is meaningless and that we have the freedom to live however we want. There was a great discussion about how we are responsible for everything that happens in our lives, and once we assume that responsibility rather than blaming it on external sources, we can free ourselves from our barriers and create our own meaning for our lives. That was probably the only good thing I got out of it, aside from learning how to spot a cult, and to be careful of self-help seminars as they will turn their beneficial learnings on you so you feel obligated to attend and fork out hundreds for future sessions...
Live and learn, every day.
Saturday 3 August 2013
Healing
So I am in the hospital with my boyfriend today. Pretty much the day after I posted that blog, he texted me telling me he was in hospital with what they thought was a ruptured kidney. Later he was airlifted to a larger hospital, thankfully much closer to my house. Turns out he is ok and healing well.
So this could have come at a slightly better timing, since I was still distressed from the incident which prompted my not so friendly blog post. I feel bad about my anger but I think I handled it way better than I would have in the past. Letting out my anger in a constructive way was very helpful.
Unfortunately, more problems arose and I ended up being abused by the same people all Friday morning for a minor request, and it all got too much for me. I had a massive breakdown and left class to see a counsellor at uni. He was actually amazing, he did so much for me in that hour than any other psychologist had ever done, and he was still provisional. I am so grateful for his help as I have avoided slipping back into a highly negative state. I am still angry and hurt, but I am in no way depressed and have managed to maintain some of my Zen. Yay.
I am still pretty resentful today though, as I am in the hospital visiting my boyfriend, and these people decided to come and visit too. So I am bored, sitting in a cafe, writing this blog post, waiting for them to leave. I am trying my hardest to let go of this resentment, as it is draining me a lot and I am very aware that I am putting out negative energy. But as you can imagine my guard has gone right up and I'm not ready to open up and relax any time soon. Having an anxiety problem also doesn't help. Sigh. Baby steps I guess.
Maybe I should try and meditate or something.
Yesterday in my tute for Psychopathology, we discussed Existential Therapy. Apparently the case study (the Fat Lady Yalom case) presented this therapy in a negative light, but I was late and didn't read the case study, so I am very enthusiastic about reading more about this therapy technique. Apparently, it is based on the theory that inner conflict is due to 4 Existential Givens, or Ultimate Conerns in life. These are:
1. The inevitability of death
2. Freedom and associated responsibility
3. Existential Isolation and
4. Meaninglessness
Without having read anything about this, including any critiques, I am naturally drawn to this theory as I believe a lot of my own internal conflict is due to these existential givens. For example: today I am trying to let go of my anger because I feel that with freedom I must be responsible for my own emotions and reactions to events, but I am finding it hard to so. So this results in conflict. Also meaninglessness troubled me for a while there, like there was no point in life so what is the point in living, but now I have created my own meaning so it doesn't bother me that much anymore. The inevitability of death also creates conflict within me as I believe this is where a lot of my anxiety about work and uni comes from. In my mind there is no time to waste as I have limited time to enjoy my life, but as I have to succumb to these seemingly meaningless responsibilities (again freedom and responsibility comes in) which take up so much time, I get frustrated. I am not too sure about existential isolation as I'm not sure what it means exactly so I don't want to comment on it. Apparently it's the same as phenomenology. Forgot what that is too. I am hella tired.
Anyway, hopefully I will get to go back into the hospital room soon.
Thanks for reading guys, again I would appreciate if some positive vibes could be sent my way, and more importantly healing vibes for my boyfriends kidney!
Peace.
Thursday 1 August 2013
Hurt
It takes a hell of a lot to push my buttons so hard that I turn my back on you.
With my friends, I give and give and give. If i care about you, I will dedicate all my spare energy into helping you with whatever problem you have. What I am sick of, is dedicating way more energy than I should, to people who just throw it back in my face. Then I am left with emptiness where I could have been filled with vitality. I am sick of energy vampires. I am sick of trying to help people who won't help themselves. I am sick of trying to see the good in people who can't see the good in others. I am sick of being hurt by people who I thought genuinely cared about me, but just wanted to suck me dry.
I am DONE. I am done trying with you selfish fuckers. You would think I had learnt the first time, and the second time. But I just had to keep on giving. Coz you know, I have faith in people. I have faith that people will give back, and I have faith they are grateful. I believe that through love, you can help people become the best person they can be. But no. And this makes me terribly sad.
I imagine you have felt this before, even on a smaller scale. Take, for example, a lady in the shops today. My friend held the door open for her until she got her trolley out of the bathroom. Not a glance, not a thank you. The kindness and energy my friend gave to that woman was wasted.
This is how I feel, but on a scale 100x larger. I have put up with so much negativity, and spent so much of my time giving to this person, trying to help them through difficult times in their life. But I have learnt, yet again, that there is only so much you can do for someone. So from now on, my energy is MINE. No, I am not being selfish. You don't sit there, and drain me of my energy for months, and then chuck me out of your life because I decided to do something for myself for once. For ONCE.
As I said, it takes a lot to get me to this stage. So well done. If you're able to make me withdraw my love for you, you're doing a great job at being an asshole.
Would greatly appreciate some healing energy from anyone reading this at the moment, I am drained and exhausted.
I promise the next post will be accompanied with my usual positive air.
Peace.
With my friends, I give and give and give. If i care about you, I will dedicate all my spare energy into helping you with whatever problem you have. What I am sick of, is dedicating way more energy than I should, to people who just throw it back in my face. Then I am left with emptiness where I could have been filled with vitality. I am sick of energy vampires. I am sick of trying to help people who won't help themselves. I am sick of trying to see the good in people who can't see the good in others. I am sick of being hurt by people who I thought genuinely cared about me, but just wanted to suck me dry.
I am DONE. I am done trying with you selfish fuckers. You would think I had learnt the first time, and the second time. But I just had to keep on giving. Coz you know, I have faith in people. I have faith that people will give back, and I have faith they are grateful. I believe that through love, you can help people become the best person they can be. But no. And this makes me terribly sad.
I imagine you have felt this before, even on a smaller scale. Take, for example, a lady in the shops today. My friend held the door open for her until she got her trolley out of the bathroom. Not a glance, not a thank you. The kindness and energy my friend gave to that woman was wasted.
This is how I feel, but on a scale 100x larger. I have put up with so much negativity, and spent so much of my time giving to this person, trying to help them through difficult times in their life. But I have learnt, yet again, that there is only so much you can do for someone. So from now on, my energy is MINE. No, I am not being selfish. You don't sit there, and drain me of my energy for months, and then chuck me out of your life because I decided to do something for myself for once. For ONCE.
As I said, it takes a lot to get me to this stage. So well done. If you're able to make me withdraw my love for you, you're doing a great job at being an asshole.
Would greatly appreciate some healing energy from anyone reading this at the moment, I am drained and exhausted.
I promise the next post will be accompanied with my usual positive air.
Peace.
Friday 26 July 2013
Insomnia and energy
So I woke up at around 3am and it seems I'm not going back to sleep any time soon. I've never had insomnia before (or as far as I can remember), so now I can say I really sympathise with those of you who have it. There's not much to do in the wee hours of the morning, except blog I guess. Or if you're my brother, playing games which involve world domination.
For those of you wondering why I'm up at this time, it's because I have cut down heavily on my pot use. Upsides include constant euphoria, feeling more, waking up easily in the morning, clear-mindedness and less pressure on my lungs. Downsides include writing this blog post at 4am. If anyone would like information on their pot use, withdrawal, and tips on cutting down or quitting, I found Know Cannabis very useful and straightfroward. Also, Addiction Dirkh has some more complex and neurological information on marijuana withdrawal.
Well... I have had an exhausting week. Not to say it's been shit, just very fast paced and crazy. It's definitely the full moon, this happens every time. Work is always busier and life is more hectic. I have hardly had the chance to talk to my boyfriend or write a blog post. Thank God for insomnia?
On that note, I'm not actually religious, but I do attend these weekly spiritual/meditation classes run by my cousin, who is also a psychic artist and an author. Check out his art and soul blueprints here. I'm really enjoying putting links in my text just so you know :) Anyway, this class pretty much turned me from self-loathing, cynical emo girl to an optimistic, world-loving hippy. This Wednesday's class was one of the more magical ones, let me tell you all about it.
I rocked up to the class, euphoric as ever, high off no pot (I still think this is funny). There was another Aquarian dude there who has also been bouncing off the walls all week, which helped me feel less crazy. But being an Aquarian, feeling crazy is sort of normal. Anyway, we were told we were going to bring up some negative emotions and express them through art. Art therapy, in a way. It wasn't really my ideal class at this stage because of how happy I've been, but I gave it a go. I went right into my heart and brought up a sadness that I had not acknowledged was still there. It was surprisingly easy to cry and draw it all out on paper. Once it was over, I recovered my good mood with a renewed sense of strength, feeling way more grounded. An amazing thing for me, always with my heads in the clouds. I realized that maybe why I've been so high is that I run away from my negative emotions. When I feel happy, I cling onto it like my life depends on it. But you know what? My life doesn't depend on it. I discovered I can still feel less desirable emotions and feel happy about life at the same time.
Lately, I have been feeling so much intense love for the world and everyone in it. All my emotion that I've pushed down with pot has come up. My fear has been replaced with courage, my loneliness has been replaced with oneness, and my anger has been replaced with sadness. Sometimes I feel like this is too much emotion for me to deal with at once. Even feeling the love has been exhausting, because I am constantly radiating it out to everyone around me. It has been a great couple of weeks, and I absolutely love having more than enough energy to share with those who have less. But I think I need to save some for myself, or at least put it into things I love or need to do, like my university studies (already falling behind, as usual), and... well, I don't know what else. I feel too guilty doing art, reading or music because I have uni work to do.
It's 4:20am... ;) But I will be going to sleep naturally now.
Love and Peace to you.
For those of you wondering why I'm up at this time, it's because I have cut down heavily on my pot use. Upsides include constant euphoria, feeling more, waking up easily in the morning, clear-mindedness and less pressure on my lungs. Downsides include writing this blog post at 4am. If anyone would like information on their pot use, withdrawal, and tips on cutting down or quitting, I found Know Cannabis very useful and straightfroward. Also, Addiction Dirkh has some more complex and neurological information on marijuana withdrawal.
Well... I have had an exhausting week. Not to say it's been shit, just very fast paced and crazy. It's definitely the full moon, this happens every time. Work is always busier and life is more hectic. I have hardly had the chance to talk to my boyfriend or write a blog post. Thank God for insomnia?
On that note, I'm not actually religious, but I do attend these weekly spiritual/meditation classes run by my cousin, who is also a psychic artist and an author. Check out his art and soul blueprints here. I'm really enjoying putting links in my text just so you know :) Anyway, this class pretty much turned me from self-loathing, cynical emo girl to an optimistic, world-loving hippy. This Wednesday's class was one of the more magical ones, let me tell you all about it.
I rocked up to the class, euphoric as ever, high off no pot (I still think this is funny). There was another Aquarian dude there who has also been bouncing off the walls all week, which helped me feel less crazy. But being an Aquarian, feeling crazy is sort of normal. Anyway, we were told we were going to bring up some negative emotions and express them through art. Art therapy, in a way. It wasn't really my ideal class at this stage because of how happy I've been, but I gave it a go. I went right into my heart and brought up a sadness that I had not acknowledged was still there. It was surprisingly easy to cry and draw it all out on paper. Once it was over, I recovered my good mood with a renewed sense of strength, feeling way more grounded. An amazing thing for me, always with my heads in the clouds. I realized that maybe why I've been so high is that I run away from my negative emotions. When I feel happy, I cling onto it like my life depends on it. But you know what? My life doesn't depend on it. I discovered I can still feel less desirable emotions and feel happy about life at the same time.
Lately, I have been feeling so much intense love for the world and everyone in it. All my emotion that I've pushed down with pot has come up. My fear has been replaced with courage, my loneliness has been replaced with oneness, and my anger has been replaced with sadness. Sometimes I feel like this is too much emotion for me to deal with at once. Even feeling the love has been exhausting, because I am constantly radiating it out to everyone around me. It has been a great couple of weeks, and I absolutely love having more than enough energy to share with those who have less. But I think I need to save some for myself, or at least put it into things I love or need to do, like my university studies (already falling behind, as usual), and... well, I don't know what else. I feel too guilty doing art, reading or music because I have uni work to do.
It's 4:20am... ;) But I will be going to sleep naturally now.
Love and Peace to you.
Sunday 21 July 2013
Awake
The other morning I was having a blast listening to The Beatles while driving to uni. It was a beautiful sunny morning and I was keen to attend my first lectures for two of my subjects. As I was driving, I started thinking about how amazing my friends and family are, and how loved I am, and how I'm in such a good place mentally at the moment. At this point, singing along to Hey Jude, my thoughts shut off, paving the way for a flood of emotion. I actually teared up as the feeling of gratitude and love expanded in an infinite space inside my soul. I felt pure love for myself and everything around me. A feeling of completeness, oneness.
I am 99% sure that this only the second time in my life that I have ever felt anything like that without the aid of what I like to call... "spiritually enhancing substances". It first happened in my weekly meditation class, when we were doing a meditation themed around expanding the aura with energy. This time I was meditating - just being - without trying. I instantly tapped into myself and my energy in its purest form. High on life.
This experience was then followed by an amazing weekend with some of the most open and loving humans I have ever met :) Saturday night, (yes, with the aid of "spiritually enhancing substances"), was another magical night, where I felt absolute clarity and peace. We talked about so many things, real, raw and no bullshit. We expressed out love for each other without fear. It was such an amazing vibe. Some people may think this isn't real. It's influenced by drugs, it's just a fake feeling. I disagree. I tend to think that all these feelings are there already, waiting for us to unlock them. This has been supported by my experience the other day, when I was completely sober. These substances, these compounds... essentially change the way our consciousness works. We are able to tap into different perspectives, and come up with different ideas that we already know, but are yet to be discovered, or realised. These substances either unlock buried parts of the mind, or block certain perception processes that keep us grounded in 3D. Once you can shut the ego off, you become just feeling, just energy, and can access higher levels of reality. I guess this is pretty much a shortcut to a meditative state. However, I do feel that you need to be somewhat open to yourself and the world to be able to utilise the spiritual effects of certain drugs. Otherwise they just become another blanket for your issues, another escape from reality, a destructive addiction pattern. What a waste of potential magic.
At some point during our Saturday night shenanigans, as a lot of people who partake in such shenanigans would relate to, the subject of being "awake" came up. What does it mean to be awake? My chemically ridden brain came up with this explanation (as accurately as I can remember saying it):
It all starts with you. Love yourself and love others... love yourself and love everything. And realise that you ARE everything.
I am 99% sure that this only the second time in my life that I have ever felt anything like that without the aid of what I like to call... "spiritually enhancing substances". It first happened in my weekly meditation class, when we were doing a meditation themed around expanding the aura with energy. This time I was meditating - just being - without trying. I instantly tapped into myself and my energy in its purest form. High on life.
This experience was then followed by an amazing weekend with some of the most open and loving humans I have ever met :) Saturday night, (yes, with the aid of "spiritually enhancing substances"), was another magical night, where I felt absolute clarity and peace. We talked about so many things, real, raw and no bullshit. We expressed out love for each other without fear. It was such an amazing vibe. Some people may think this isn't real. It's influenced by drugs, it's just a fake feeling. I disagree. I tend to think that all these feelings are there already, waiting for us to unlock them. This has been supported by my experience the other day, when I was completely sober. These substances, these compounds... essentially change the way our consciousness works. We are able to tap into different perspectives, and come up with different ideas that we already know, but are yet to be discovered, or realised. These substances either unlock buried parts of the mind, or block certain perception processes that keep us grounded in 3D. Once you can shut the ego off, you become just feeling, just energy, and can access higher levels of reality. I guess this is pretty much a shortcut to a meditative state. However, I do feel that you need to be somewhat open to yourself and the world to be able to utilise the spiritual effects of certain drugs. Otherwise they just become another blanket for your issues, another escape from reality, a destructive addiction pattern. What a waste of potential magic.
At some point during our Saturday night shenanigans, as a lot of people who partake in such shenanigans would relate to, the subject of being "awake" came up. What does it mean to be awake? My chemically ridden brain came up with this explanation (as accurately as I can remember saying it):
"To be awake, is to know... that we are all one. We all came from a single source. We are the same; you and me, we are the same, so are you and (friend's name), and him and me... All of us. And to be awake is to know that to change the world, you must switch to love. Not fear, only love."To switch to love requires conquering fear. Conquering fear requires courage. And courage comes from a confidence in yourself. Start to treat yourself better, and become so confident in your amazing unique self, that challenges no longer scare you and negativity no longer poses a threat to your spirit. Then you will learn to forgive and love everything unconditionally, for all its good and bad.
It all starts with you. Love yourself and love others... love yourself and love everything. And realise that you ARE everything.
Thursday 18 July 2013
What is normal?
On Tuesday I attended my first Disability, Diversity and Social Exclusion tutorial. Turns out that most of us doing this unit are psychology students. My tutor made a comment, "all you psychology students, going to change the world"... damn right we are. Eventually anyway, after 6 or more years of study!
She also said something else, something that came up for me during my mushroom trip last Friday night. "What is normal?" This question is asked of psychology students the moment we begin. We are actually taught common definitions of normal, how normal is measured. You know, because we like to categorize things. If you are acting in an accepted way, if you are part of a majority (socially, physically, whatever), or if you are deemed to function well (all 3 factors dependent on culture and context), then you or your behaviour could be described as 'normal'. What you do could be 'normal' in one culture or context but could be 'abnormal' in another.
As you'd expect I took a different take on it with shrooms in my belly. My mate said we should watch something 'normal'... my mind started racing as I asked the familiar question to myself: "What is normal?" Did he mean that he wanted to watch something we would usually watch, or did he want to watch 'normal' people, like reality shows? Are they even 'normal?' I don't think so... they seem pretty outrageous. Well, what do 'normal' people do? Were we going to watch a show where people sat around and had breakfast and went to work? Complained about traffic and workmates? Picked the kids up from school? What a boring show. I would rather watch something trippy. Would these TV people even think about stuff? Would they wonder what normal is? As I type this, the word 'normal' is losing its meaning. Is that normal? Does that happen to a majority of people? Is it specific to my culture? If so, which culture? Drug culture, Australian culture, language culture?
Life's endless questions...
I just looked up at my formatting toolbar for this blog and saw that 'normal' has been automatically selected for me. Blogger assumes that we all want normal as well...
So I started another subject, Social Psychology of Relationships. And get this... one of my unit learning objectives is "to observe and code behaviour"... Yes, I will be doing more categorizing, but I will be learning how to read you guys! Be afraid!
My lecturer made the point that whenever he says he is a psychologist, people always ask "Oh can you read my mind?"... I actually get that a lot too. We don't mind read but turns out we watch your every move... Seriously though, I am really excited that I will be learning something useful, something practical that will assist me in my relationships and my career :)
A last thing I will leave you with for now is another point my lecturer made... That the way in which you code behaviour, depends on the lens you observe it through.
Have a think about how your lens affects the way you see things, that other people may see differently...
My aim, as a future psychologist, is to have a neutral lens... Or at least an educated one.
Educated is the only way to gain a wider perspective, and a wider lens.
Now the word 'lens' has also lost meaning.
Time for bed.
She also said something else, something that came up for me during my mushroom trip last Friday night. "What is normal?" This question is asked of psychology students the moment we begin. We are actually taught common definitions of normal, how normal is measured. You know, because we like to categorize things. If you are acting in an accepted way, if you are part of a majority (socially, physically, whatever), or if you are deemed to function well (all 3 factors dependent on culture and context), then you or your behaviour could be described as 'normal'. What you do could be 'normal' in one culture or context but could be 'abnormal' in another.
As you'd expect I took a different take on it with shrooms in my belly. My mate said we should watch something 'normal'... my mind started racing as I asked the familiar question to myself: "What is normal?" Did he mean that he wanted to watch something we would usually watch, or did he want to watch 'normal' people, like reality shows? Are they even 'normal?' I don't think so... they seem pretty outrageous. Well, what do 'normal' people do? Were we going to watch a show where people sat around and had breakfast and went to work? Complained about traffic and workmates? Picked the kids up from school? What a boring show. I would rather watch something trippy. Would these TV people even think about stuff? Would they wonder what normal is? As I type this, the word 'normal' is losing its meaning. Is that normal? Does that happen to a majority of people? Is it specific to my culture? If so, which culture? Drug culture, Australian culture, language culture?
Life's endless questions...
I just looked up at my formatting toolbar for this blog and saw that 'normal' has been automatically selected for me. Blogger assumes that we all want normal as well...
So I started another subject, Social Psychology of Relationships. And get this... one of my unit learning objectives is "to observe and code behaviour"... Yes, I will be doing more categorizing, but I will be learning how to read you guys! Be afraid!
My lecturer made the point that whenever he says he is a psychologist, people always ask "Oh can you read my mind?"... I actually get that a lot too. We don't mind read but turns out we watch your every move... Seriously though, I am really excited that I will be learning something useful, something practical that will assist me in my relationships and my career :)
A last thing I will leave you with for now is another point my lecturer made... That the way in which you code behaviour, depends on the lens you observe it through.
Have a think about how your lens affects the way you see things, that other people may see differently...
My aim, as a future psychologist, is to have a neutral lens... Or at least an educated one.
Educated is the only way to gain a wider perspective, and a wider lens.
Now the word 'lens' has also lost meaning.
Time for bed.
Monday 15 July 2013
Getting to know me and my nut
So my name is Katie and I am a 3rd year Psychology student.
Welcome to what is my 5th blog if I remember correctly. I'm only 21, but I have been writing journals and blogs since I was 9 years old. That makes this my 12th year of writing.... am I a veteran yet?
I should start by introducing who I am and why I am writing this blog.
So as I've stated I am a psychology student. Ever since I had to pick a career in high school, I have been all about psychology. There is nothing else I would want to be studying at all. I hate studying, but I love learning. I like to do things on my own terms.
Anyway, I got into psychology because of my own mental problems. People have said to me that psychology students are a 'bunch of weirdos' and I have to say I agree. I doubt any well adjusted person would be as interested in how the mind works as we are. I began my degree intending to help adolescents with eating disorders and depression. I am still interested in this field but my fascination has stretched into other areas such as sexuality, meditation and spirituality, and mind-altering substances. Right now I am in a massive psychedelic phase where all I want to do is trip out, paint and figure out the nature of humanity and the universe we reside in. Why are we here? That's what I want to know.
There is also more to me than psychology. I play music and sing, I read, I write, I paint, I draw, I meditate...
I love cats, fresh fruit juice, family, my friends and my boyfriend, food that doesn't have numbers in it, hippy pants, comfy clothes, clubbing, space documentaries I am a firm believer in the power of nature. I like to let my spirit sing and soar free.
I try not to hate, but I'm not perfect. So I hate money, capitalism, greed, social exclusion, large companies, bigotry and bureaucracy.
I stand for the rights of the LGBTIQ community, mother Earth, small businesses, animals, women and all those who are oppressed for speaking the truth.
Again, I am not perfect, so I may deviate from my core values every now and then. The important thing is that I recognise it and rectify it ASAP! Every slip up, mistake and every challenge life throws at me is another chance to become a better person, more adaptable, strong and independent.
The largest challenge I face at the moment is my boyfriend of (almost) 3 years going to work in the snow for 3 months. This is my main reason for starting this blog. I actually hate spending time with myself, which stems from a history of self-hatred, loneliness and just generally having a shit time unless I was distracted from my own thoughts. This challenge is probably the only chance I will get to build my independence and regain my self love, as I have no one to fall back on, or spend 24/7 with just so I don't have to face myself. It's been a week. And this blog will document my journey towards being content with my own company, as well as my thoughts about the things I learn in my last semester of my undergraduate Psych degree.
Thanks for reading, I hope you'll all join me for what will probably (hopefully?) be an interesting blog on my lectures at uni tomorrow. I am starting Diversity, Disability and Social Exclusion, Cognition and Behaviour, Social Psychology of Relationships, and Psychopathology.
Should be a good semester :)
Welcome to what is my 5th blog if I remember correctly. I'm only 21, but I have been writing journals and blogs since I was 9 years old. That makes this my 12th year of writing.... am I a veteran yet?
I should start by introducing who I am and why I am writing this blog.
So as I've stated I am a psychology student. Ever since I had to pick a career in high school, I have been all about psychology. There is nothing else I would want to be studying at all. I hate studying, but I love learning. I like to do things on my own terms.
Anyway, I got into psychology because of my own mental problems. People have said to me that psychology students are a 'bunch of weirdos' and I have to say I agree. I doubt any well adjusted person would be as interested in how the mind works as we are. I began my degree intending to help adolescents with eating disorders and depression. I am still interested in this field but my fascination has stretched into other areas such as sexuality, meditation and spirituality, and mind-altering substances. Right now I am in a massive psychedelic phase where all I want to do is trip out, paint and figure out the nature of humanity and the universe we reside in. Why are we here? That's what I want to know.
There is also more to me than psychology. I play music and sing, I read, I write, I paint, I draw, I meditate...
I love cats, fresh fruit juice, family, my friends and my boyfriend, food that doesn't have numbers in it, hippy pants, comfy clothes, clubbing, space documentaries I am a firm believer in the power of nature. I like to let my spirit sing and soar free.
I try not to hate, but I'm not perfect. So I hate money, capitalism, greed, social exclusion, large companies, bigotry and bureaucracy.
I stand for the rights of the LGBTIQ community, mother Earth, small businesses, animals, women and all those who are oppressed for speaking the truth.
Again, I am not perfect, so I may deviate from my core values every now and then. The important thing is that I recognise it and rectify it ASAP! Every slip up, mistake and every challenge life throws at me is another chance to become a better person, more adaptable, strong and independent.
The largest challenge I face at the moment is my boyfriend of (almost) 3 years going to work in the snow for 3 months. This is my main reason for starting this blog. I actually hate spending time with myself, which stems from a history of self-hatred, loneliness and just generally having a shit time unless I was distracted from my own thoughts. This challenge is probably the only chance I will get to build my independence and regain my self love, as I have no one to fall back on, or spend 24/7 with just so I don't have to face myself. It's been a week. And this blog will document my journey towards being content with my own company, as well as my thoughts about the things I learn in my last semester of my undergraduate Psych degree.
Thanks for reading, I hope you'll all join me for what will probably (hopefully?) be an interesting blog on my lectures at uni tomorrow. I am starting Diversity, Disability and Social Exclusion, Cognition and Behaviour, Social Psychology of Relationships, and Psychopathology.
Should be a good semester :)
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If you'd like to gain some insight into any social anxiety you have, Take The Test. (Mull over the result, and see if it resonates with you or offers you something valuable. Please don't take it as professional advice or a diagnosis!)
This answer resonated 100% with me. Whenever I am feeling uncomfortable in a social situations, it is ALWAYS because I am feeling embarrassment or shame. This description is kind of funny because I have always been sensitive to criticism, but never equated it with social anxiety. I remember whenever mum used to criticise me I'd tell her not to because I'd already beaten myself up 10x worse and she would just add to it.
Despite this natural tendency to be harsh on myself. I don't think I ever really experienced social anxiety up until late highschool. I guess that coincided with my eating/self-esteem problems. As I withdrew, I allowed myself to be absorbed by my inner critic. I became my inner critic. Social anxiety was one of the outcomes and still sticks with me now even after I went through my positive mindset changes and all that. I now generally value myself as a person but I see that it takes a lot of hard work and cognitive restructuring to be strong against my inner critic. Despite my improvement, I don't always value myself as a person, even though I like to think I do. If I fully valued myself, I wouldn't be so self-critical. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't expect the best of myself, but it means I need to treat myself with respect. Which means I need to stop telling myself that everybody thinks I'm dumb... or ugly... or uninteresting... or a try-hard...
Social anxiety is a lot like having a grammar nazi in my head. Except it's not picking on my grammar (maybe sometimes)... it's usually picking on my way of behaving, speaking, standing, laughing and whatever else I could possibly be doing during a social interaction or in front of others, all at the same time. This generally makes things worse, because while my mind is going a million miles an hour about these things, I have no room to process what other people are talking about, so I usually end up standing there with what I imagine to be a vacant, airy look on my face, completely unable to contribute to a conversation...so then I worry about that too. The more anxious I am, the more dumb I feel, and then the more anxious I become... I usually try to lessen the anxiety justifying to a person why I'm acting so dumb, so they know that I'm not really this dumb normally. Whether it be that I'm really stoned, really tired, feeling anxious... But why should I have to justify myself to others?
This doesn't happen/happens way less when I'm feeling really self-confident in my abilities and my identity, which is a state of mind I have only recently become familiar with. During times like this, I can breeze into social situations with open body-language, a strong voice and eagerness to connect with others. I wish it was always like this, but I take social anxiety as a sign that I need to re-connect with myself. After all, I'm all I've got. When I'm connected to and fully trusting in myself and my abilities, that's when I feel most confident and the least self-critical thoughts enter my mind.
I like the last sentence of the quiz result. It reminds me of a quote I saw on facebook or something, about how we accept self-degrading thoughts as the truth but if someone else said them we would defend ourselves instantly. And then imagine if you spoke to your best friend the way you speak to yourself... (you wouldn't have a best friend!). Imagining this is a really helpful way to practice compassion for myself. As everything starts with me, I need to have compassion for myself before I can fully have compassion for others.
I found this quote that I'm leaving you with...