Sin and forgiveness

If you take the offical version of God to be true, then when you confess, you are confessing to a loving deity who will immediately release you and fill you with forgiveness. If you take God as I described it in my last post, then when you confess, you are admitting to the core of your being that you did something wrong. This is how I confess. I feel the guilt heavy in my gut, and I say to myself with no words, "alright, I did the wrong thing.. what now?"

The difficult thing about my type of confession is that it takes work to be forgiven. First you have to truly recognize and feel what you have done. Then you have to find the strength and love to let go of that feeling. You don't just say sorry and then your remorse is magically scooped up by the light and taken away. You have to fight your way past the ego, and the ego does not forgive. It wants you to suffer so you remember the pain you have caused yourself and others. This may be a protection mechanism, but it only holds you back from liberating yourself. Once you access the God self, the part of you that is everything, the part of you that loves you and knows you are worth unconditional love, you can forgive yourself and you can can finally let go of the past. You are freed from the pain by forgiveness, but you'll never forget that lesson. The day you can remember the lesson and not feel the shame and misery is the day you have truly forgiven yourself.

The thing about this is, how would psychopaths confess, if they don't feel deeply for what they have done? If they can't confess, they can't be forgiven. In my opinion, psychopaths, who have different brain structures in the areas of emotion and empathy, are the furthest removed people from their true selves. They are so far removed that they cannot even recognize when they have hurt another being, a being who in truth has always been part of them. They are so far removed that they would not ever be able to find a true and lasting love for themselves or anyone else. I wonder how a spiritual being could get so far away from themselves. I guess if you have had a parent with pain, or if your own life pain was so deep that it was unbearable to feel, then the ego would block out anything and everything to protect yourself. Even if it means blocking out your emotions, a release and expression of your energy. And the further they fall, the harder it is to feel again, and they become living demons; a human image of their dark, black hole energy. And you can see it in their eyes, the light has been extinguished.

I'm glad I'm not a psychopath, but I see why they exist. Feelings are hard to feel sometimes. Especially those of remorse and guilt. You can see why their ego protects them from it when you have felt it. I feel terribly guilty for a lot of things I have done, and somehow cannot find it within me to forgive myself for some of them. Maybe it is because I have not received forgiveness from the other person or being. I feel if they are still hurting then I cannot forgive myself. But being attached to their pain isn't doing me any favors. If anything it is probably binding them to their own pain at a deeper level. Still doesn't help, it is like my mind thinks I need to be punished.

Now that I think about it that is such a common mentality in western society... we want to see people suffer for what they have done. We see it as justice. We say "they deserve it". And the reason we can't forgive ourselves is because we treat ourselves the same as we treat others. Deep down we think we need to suffer for the pain we have caused others, rather than being loved and forgiven. Maybe the reason I beat myself up so much is because that's what I've been taught is right.

That is actually pretty messed up.
I guess that's why Buddhism focuses so much on compassion; compassion and forgiveness for others will help us liberate ourselves from our own guilt.

I think it's time to exercise that long lost spiritual muscle, and learn to forgive myself.

Word vomit of illusion and love

I have been doing some thinking over the past week, after a bit of a stint in struggle street, and today the spark has come back in a big way.

Something terrible and unexpected happened to someone close to me, and it snapped me straight out of the illusion I'd gotten stuck in. That illusion is the material world. Yes it's here, and we have to live in it and survive in it, but its not the very essence of our being.

The fact that we are in this amazing universe for a fleeting amount of time makes us insignificant in the scheme of things, and that insignificance brings with it great freedom. We all live in a world where no one can tell us what to do or give us instructions on how to live life. We just somehow evolved here and no one can ever tell us why. So why do we let anyone else on earth control what we do? They don't know any better than we do how life should be. When eventually our whole earth ceases to exist no one is going to remember us. So why do we strive to make such an impression? Who do we do it for? Ourselves? Why do we feel we need to impress ourselves? Is it because we are our own inner judge? The only judge, the only 'god', that rules your life is you. Your intuition is that god part of you speaking to you in a language which isn't tangible and therefore not valued or not deemed 'real' by a materialist culture. In this culture (Alan Watts describes culture as an operating system- a great analogy), we use the 5 senses, mostly the eyes, to determine what is real. A physical, tangible reality. How do you define feeling in those terms? We can describe what feeling is like but there's no way to show another person exactly what you're feeling because it comes from within, not from an external source. So Materialist cultures value those external, easy to see and easy to believe things over internal things. They base our reality on the material realm, thinking that because its real, it must be the source of happiness. And of course god must be some tangible entity external and separate to your own self.

We have so many problems trusting that god self within because our cultures have us so focused on the external that we don't even think that inner self is real, in a sense. I know if I had a physical entity in front of me telling me 'yeah you can do it!' I would be way more inclined to believe it than the invisible inner self that I sometimes forget is even there because I can't see it, I can only feel it in a way that I can't be taught about. You're sposed to get to know it and trust it from the beginning but culture distracts us and we begin to distrust it because it has become unknown, a stranger. A lonely wail at the bottom of your being crying out for you to listen and be friends with it.

Your inner self, is kind to you. Be kind to your self and it can blossom like a friendship. It will be the kindest and most honest friend you can get, and you will find that you will never be alone. You will learn to love your self.

So right now I am hearing loud and clear instructions to go out and make a difference in the world. To unplug myself from this material world and open up to the reality that we are free and nothing lasts forever. There's no need to feel so attached to the physical world, because the end of you is the end of the illusion. There is no need to fear. We are all scared and that is more reason for us to connect with each other. We are so scared of people, but taking chances and risks with people can lead to some beautiful and magical life moments which would never be possible if we didn't trust that foreign stranger who offered to fix our bag at the airport, if we didn't take a chance to do something nice for someone that you don't even know, or if we didn't talk to each other about our feelings. But that part of us is ignored, and we are too scared to connect with others, we were never taught how. Its because no one knows!! Except for ourselves...we already know how to connect. Trust that inner want, the want that seems to terrifying to do but the most rewarding! And helps other people access that deep forgotten part of themselves too. Two awoken souls recognise each other immediately, its that feeling described as 'connection', which is really a re-connection. True reality is that we are all one and even though we are physically separated by our bodies, our soul connection is stitched together like a patchwork blanket in an invisible realm layered right over our environment. Don't ignore that fundamental part of reality. You can't ignore the physical part too, but don't take it so seriously, because it will not be the thing that brings you true happiness.

That's it for Stoned Saturdays.
I'm the rainbow lady, signing out for a good nights sleep.

Peace and love
<3

The body hate epidemic

Today I'd like to tall about something that really pisses me off. The normalisation of body hatred.

So many words are thrown around about how to have a 'better body', 'dream body', 'goal weight', 'flat stomach', 'thigh gap', 'toned abs', 'willpower', 'tight ass' ... I could go on forever. You know what all these things have in common?

1. They point to a certain body type (one that a minority of people have naturally)
2. They imply a need to obtain it
3. They say you can obtain it with certain products or regimes

Also... They are so widespread, that you would think that wanting these things is NORMAL!!

I'm here to tell you this is NOT normal. These diet fads, your low fat pre-packaged meals, your skinny teas, your boot camps, your 30-day challenges, your flab shaping underwear... All of these products are not designed to make you feel better about yourself or create a 'better you'! They're designed for the exact opposite.

Companies make money through a supply and demand system. Weight loss companies need to sell their products, as do makeup and clothing companies. So what can these companies do to increase their sales? Increase demand. And how do you increase demand? You make people feel like shit about themselves by creating an ideal that is so unachievable that rarely anyone will never get it, so everyone constantly comes to your product like its the holy grail and the one thing that will solve all their problems. This self hatred is created in a web of magazines, newspapers and celebrity culture, who profit from the advertisement of these products. NONE of these companies want you to feel good about yourself.

After all, why would anyone want to buy these things if they felt really good about themselves? They'd be happy with what they have already.

These products and phrases masquerade as a normal part of life but what they are really doing is propagating a dangerous eating-disorder mentality. You think you don't have some kind of eating/body dysmorphic disorder? Think again. If you are hopping from one of these products to the next, there is a high chance that you have fallen into a trap. If you think your problem is just that you don't have enough willpower, think again. You can use your existing willpower to get out of the hatred cycle, rather than thinking its something you're deficient in and need more of so you can beat your body into submission.

So how do you get out of it? Develop your mind to think in this broader perspective.

You have been given this one body for your whole life. The atoms in your body were created in the heart of a dying star millions of years ago. The first life form on earth came from within the earth itself, from a rock. There are an infinite amount of possibilities of things that could have gone wrong in evolution, and in the womb. And yet here we are, many years later, miraculously, with one life to live, in a fraction of time that will go unnoticed to the rest of the infinite universe.

So why are you hating on yourself? Your body is a gift from the earth, and you only have one lifetime to use it. Would you rather waste those years punishing this creation that you have been blessed with, or would you rather love, nurture and care for it in all its natural perfection, so it can work its best for you to help you walk, eat, sleep and live your life?

We only have one body and one chance. Don't waste it.

Highs and lows

So I had my first "bad" week this week. I decided to try and take pills for the first time since I went off my antidepressants. The partying was amazing and full of love but I have been paying for it all this week with a big trip right into a depression pit.

Of course it has been a terrible week full of crushing darkness but today I can finally see the light again. It has been a hell of a learning experience too. I think the most important thing I learnt was no matter what activities I'm doing, I need to remember to keep up everything else that is important in my lifestyle - mainly eating healthy and nourishing foods, and keeping my surroundings clutter free. It's one thing to mess with your brain chemistry, but it's entirely another to mess with your brain chemistry and throw all other coping mechanisms out the window. I am convinced my diet has played a huge part in how happy I've been recently... especially considering that I developed anxiety and depression around the time that I started skipping meals.

Of course the drugs played the main role in this scenario, throwing me off balance and unable to go home, hence the shitty diet. So I'm not so sure that I will be choosing to participate in such activities for a while. And when (inevitably) I decide to do so again, I will be mapping out a safety net and bringing a whole fridge of food with me to wherever it is I'll be.

So I've had an interesting insight about serotonin the past couple of weeks as well. I have noticed that I have become extremely sensitive in my emotions since my antidepressants have well and truly exited my system. Not just negative emotions, positive ones too. I feel more connected and emotionally responsive to cues. For example, when I see someone do something nice or someone gives me a compliment, I feel a pang of emotion. It's easy to shake off but it's like something has hit me right in the heart. I don't remember having this kind of thing ever in my life except for the brief euphoria period after I quit everyday pot smoking. Removing the smokescreen of pot is extremely similar to removing the bubble of antidepressants. I am a bare me. Life has gotten a lot more raw and real. It has been truly amazing.

So anyway, back to the serotonin, psychologists don't really know exactly how it works in the brain and in relation to mental illness... Antidepressants were discovered by accident- and because they elevated mood levels, the theory of mental illness became that it was caused by an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Mainly serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. The most popular antidepressants target serotonin. Recently, I have come to disagree with this theory. It's my opinion that my own natural serotonin levels don't make me depressed, they make me more sensitive, and therefore more prone to depression. But also more prone to periods of intense gratitude and positive emotion. Higher levels of serotonin did NOT make me more "happy", they made me less emotional. Less creative. Less connected.

Serotonin is a complex thing. LSD affects serotonin and norepinephrine levels just like antidepressants, yet scientists are not sure why it affects our perception the way it does (it does not make me feel like I'm on antidepressants, that's for sure!) MDMA also affects serotonin but it again, affects moods differently to antidepressants. Antidepressants certainly didn't make me feel warm and fuzzy and creative! These drugs actually make me feel extremely connected and sensitive, the opposite of what higher serotonin levels have done to me when induced by antidepressants.... So serotonin is a bit crazy and we may never find out exactly what it does. But in the context of natural levels, I don't think that low levels necessarily mean someone is going to be depressed, and that high levels mean that someone is going to be happier. I do think though, that extreme levels outside the middle zone, such as the extreme low I had this week and the mania that I had when my antidepressant dose was too high, can make us very out of touch with our reality. As with everything, balance is the key.


So excuse me as I go and cry over an article about strangers doing nice things for each other... This feeling is why I will never go on antidepressants again even if it gets worse than this week did... and it most likely will at some point.


Peace

Progress

Before I start my next blog post, I feel that I should address the fact that my two last blog posts severely contradicted each other. All I can say about this is that it shows that even though I think I am fairly insightful, I still find it hard to distinguish between head and heart, and hard to recognise what I really need for myself. It also shows how you can find reasons for any point of view if you try hard enough!! Holding two opposing points of view is really tough and that's something I'm struggling with in my journey, as I am both spiritual and learning psychology. There are a lot of contradictions between my beliefs as a result of the influence of these domains in my life, but when I follow my heart and gut instinct rather than strictly follow the books, that's where the magic happens, and that's where I can learn new things and make an influence on the psychology field in my own way.

Anyway, so onward and forward. I am going really well off my anti-depressants. I have had two incidents in the past two weeks where my thoughts have overwhelmed me. One was at work, I was still training and someone called in sick so I had to man reception by myself. I tried to juggle many customers and phone calls at once while trying to find answers to questions I didn't know. I gave a old disabled man the wrong directions and he was very grumpy. Then my coworker got annoyed at me for doing something wrong and I just went in the back and cried. After that my coworker gave me a big talk on how I should say 'no' to people and do what feels right for me, so that was nice... so I learnt a lot that day, I learnt how to recognise when I'm getting stressed, to take time out to have a breathe even if it's really busy, and that I don't need to answer everything, it's fine to say 'I don't know!'

After this, nothing negative came up for a while, but I prepared myself because I knew that life was always going to bring a challenge. Then the other incident was just this week; I was tired after a couple of days of demanding work and my thoughts started to overwhelm me a bit. I got caught up in the storm of worry and started feeling depressed and frustrated at my closest friends. I knew it was irrational at the time but I'm sure most of you would know how hard it is to get yourself on the outside of a thought storm once you're stuck right in the middle! Anyway, I texted my friends and promptly dropped my phone in the toilet, so I never got my answer. This issue came up again the next morning while I was working for my mum, and I was on the verge of tears for a good hour and a half worrying about what I had imagined in my head about my friends. I got to the point where I was like - okay, what can I do about this. Then my brain started telling me that I was too upset, I should tell my mum and go home. I noticed that thinking this repeatedly was making me even more upset!! So I struggled for a bit until I found my way out - I told myself that my mind was telling me the 'I can't do it story' and that they were just words - words can't hurt me, and they certainly aren't always true. Once I got my head around that, I focused on why I was there that day, I was there to help my mum and my other coworkers out because they were short of staff. By changing my view of my thoughts and also feeling that this wasn't about me, it was about my care for my mum, the storm in my head quickly quietened. I had no thoughts on this for the rest of the day, and got on with my work as I usually would.

The thing that helped me the most with this situation was a book called "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris. It's based on a psychological therapy called ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), and it was worked for me soooo much better than CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I got given this book back in highschool as a reward for good marks. And this week it has saved my ass! I highly recommend this book. It's easy to understand and makes sense for everyday life. It make take a tad longer to be able to implement the skills if you haven't been learning mindfulness like I have for a while, but it is well worth the read. On that note, studying buddhist teachings is also an amazing resource. An app called "Radio Dharma" is a great resource if you can sit still and listen for an hour. I usually listen to it in the car!

So other than that everything has been quite smooth. I have continued with all my activities including yoga, kung fu and new meditation classes, have not missed a day of work and still haven't had a coffee in a month, and not even a puff of a cigarette for even longer. (As these substances raise the heart rate and in turn, increase anxiety). This is such a difference from how I handled my depression and anxiety years ago when I would have just stayed in bed and quit things at the first negative thought. Even though I let it overwhelm me a bit I have managed to maintain my base positive attitude and enjoy most of the day, every day! Boo-yah!!

I haven't yet met up with my psychologist, but I'm so excited to tell her how I'm going and what skills have been helping :)

Thanks for reading, if you have any questions please shoot me a comment or a facebook message (if you know who I am!)


Peace

Four days

 **WARNING- may be triggering: contains ED themes**

A few years ago around the same time of year, a girl sat in her lounge room with her laptop open. Supposedly, she was doing homework, at least that's what her parents thought. She wanted to do it, but she couldn't focus. Hundreds of thoughts were distracting her, plaguing her mind. They never stopped, she was at their mercy. They always told her where to direct her time and energy, and today wasn't any different. She was to surf the web for 'thinspiration', determined that it would inspire her not to eat. She was to chat to other people in an online forum, to gain tips, tricks and insights into how to be that perfect person she had wanted to be for a few years now. Her parents were about to leave the house. This conjured up a few feelings, the main two being relief and anxiety. Relief came at the thought that she would no longer have to pretend to be so well together; for at least a few hours, she could indulge in her fantasies in peace and without fear of being discovered. Anxiety came stronger, as she knew this is where she could lose control. With no one around, she couldn't trust herself not to let loose on all the forbidden, delicious foods in the house. 

So close to the kitchen. 
Her heart raced. Time stopped. No longer fully focused on her pictures of girls full of bones, her eyes darted towards the fridge. She knew what was in there, she looked in there obsessively whenever she had the chance. "Just one piece of cake, and then no more eating for the rest of the day."
"It'll be worth it."
Anything to make the panic feeling go away.

Half an hour later, I'm on the floor, crying, wailing. What have I done? The world was ending. The cake was finished. I was devastated. I looked down, I saw a huge, wad of fat body below me.
The thoughts made me cry so hard I felt sick.
"You're worthless. Ugly. Stupid. Disgusting. Vile. Fat. Putrid. Fucking gross bitch."
"Get rid of it. QUICKLY!!!"
The voices never stopped until I did what they told me to do. 

****

A few years ago, my life was hell, and I was my own worst enemy. Everything was fine on the outside. I had a beautiful family who were well off, lived in a beautiful house, had a boyfriend who loved me... But I was the unhappiest I have ever been. That was the year that I decided I needed to go on antidepressants... and after 5 years, this is the week that I have started my journey without them, for good.

I have been thinking about this for a while, and I tried it a few times without really thinking of the ramifications. Needless to say, it didn't work, and I went straight back on them. None of the eating and body image problems had been present for a long time, but the depression and anxiety lingered around me like a black fog. But this time I am prepared to face my dark side, and I am prepared for any negative feelings that may come my way. For so long I have been scared of myself, scared of the thoughts I might have when I'm alone. But in the past couple of years I have learnt to love myself and cut myself a bit more slack. I'm far from perfecting this self-love, but I am so far from how I used to be. I feel like I am a different person now.

My main concern about going off my medication is that the person I have become is not the real me... What if I become a different person... what if people notice? What if I'm not as positive? What if my sense of humor is different? What if I'm not as outgoing?.... But then I do remember a time about 8 years ago, before I got sucked into my own darkness, when I was a happy-go-lucky, slightly naiive, fun-loving crazy chick. The world was my oyster. And then life happened.

Well now it's time for me to reclaim my life. I started tapering off my meds 4 days ago and although there's not a dramatic difference, I'm feeling more... alive. I'm feeling more me. I feel like a veil is slowly lifting and that more things are reaching me. I'm thinking more, but thinking and feeling slightly more deeply. I have had a tiny bit of anxiety, probably because I'm anticipating it, but I am slowly realizing that I don't need to let feelings affect me and control my life. I need to accept them and let them be, stop struggling to make them go away so I can get on with the important things in my life. I need to make peace with all of me, not just the pretty parts, but the ugly as well.

So I bid adieu to Lovan, or Prozac as it's called in America. It actually really helped me, at a time when I felt I was out of my own control. Under it's thought-numbing effects, I was able to regain a sense of control with my eating patterns, I was able to complete year 12 with a pretty high ENTER score, I was able to gain some peace in my life without being overwhelmed with vicious circles of thoughts and feelings interrupting my everyday experience. I was able to step out of my head and into the world. So it did help me, but I'm no longer that girl who hated herself and everything around her. I'm now someone who experiences the absolute love that binds this universe together, and who appreciates life for what it is. So it's time to let go of the security blanket and plunge into the unknown.

I still have a long way to go, so, here's to more growing.
I still have another week before I'm completely med-free, so watch this space, I'm going well so far, and I'm excited to see what changes and challenges it may bring :)

Accepting happiness

Hello all, it's been a while. With a mind like a leap frog, it's hard to stay on topic long enough to write a blog post. But I feel I should get back to writing because I have learnt a lot in the past couple of months that could be useful to anyone who reads this.

In the last week, I realized that I need to learn to cope with feelings of happiness. Sounds strange, as happiness is obviously the greatest, so why would anyone run from it? It's complicated for me. I am still coming to terms with being on anti-depressants, after about 5 years of taking them. My mum thinks that drugs bring "artificial happiness", and that is my subconscious view of my "happy pills". I think, for me, the term "happy pills" brings with it a judgement that my happiness comes purely from the pills.

I have gone off them a few times (without professional permission- never do this) due to reaching a nice happy plateau, and feeling like I didn't need them anymore. I was about to do the same this week, when I received some advice from a friend who is studying mental health, drugs and alcohol. This advice brought me down to earth from my illusion cloud.

Since I have gotten really into Buddhism lately, I thought that my stability of happiness meant I was ready to use my coping mechanisms on a lower dose. Subtle feelings of irritability and instability started to creep through, and I told my friend about it, and she advised me that my prescription is meant to level out a real, solid, chemical deficiency in my brain (something my psychologist thinks is the cause for my mental health issues), not to "make" me happy. She said that my pills bring me to a level playing field, that of someone with a healthy amount of neurochemicals... which is true. But at first, like always, I thought, no, I should be able to live without taking these pills every day. Something about being able to be happy "naturally" is appealing to me, it meant I will have attained it without help. But after a bit of internal reasoning, I realized that it is my ego that wants me to live without the pills. It's the ego that tells me that happiness isn't real if it comes from a pill, that I haven't earnt it, so I don't deserve it. But when I think about it rationally, qualified professionals put me on this stuff, and as a future psychologist, there is no way I would ever advise one of my clients to taper off their pills just because they finally feel normal and can enjoy life again, and there is no way that I would ever view them any less for taking them. So why do I treat myself more harshly than I would with anyone else?

With my high standards for myself, it is hard for me to accept that it is my own happiness that is coming through now. It's hard for me to accept that I am not on a mind-altering drug, that I need my medication for my mental health as much as a diabetic needs their insulin, or someone with cholesterol problems needs their statins. Because of the stigma of mental health, the dependence on medication makes me feel weak, that I am cheating my way to happiness, that my happiness is artificial. I feel that I haven't worked hard for my happiness, and I want to earn it rather than it come easy, so I can feel like I have accomplished something. This view prevents me from fully owning my positive feelings and taking responsibility for the good that has come of my life. But as my friend made me realize, I have worked hard for my happiness. I have gone through some of the shittest things and come out alive. I have kicked addictions, physical and mental; I have trained my brain to be more rational and tolerant with buddhist teachings; I have learnt to enjoy my own company in the absence of my boyfriend. I finished year 12 with high grades despite horrible anxiety, and I have a bachelor's degree in psychology, despite all the times I wanted to give up.

So I think that instead of challenging myself with tapering off my meds, I will challenge myself to do what I would advise anyone else to do: accept my happiness as it is, and to come to terms with the possibility that I may be on these meds for most or the rest of my life. Even in my happy state, that is a big load that I need to process. A huge part of my ego needs to be worked on in order to be proud of myself and feel that I deserve this happiness, and to maintain that feeling in the face of any internal conflict. And it's very important that I am able to come to terms with this, so that I can set a good example for my future clients who will very likely have the same concerns with anti-depressants.

I think this must be a common thing. Just like people find it hard to accept compliments, it is hard to accept that you are responsible for your own happiness and the good things that come out of your life. But really, if you accept help or advice on a project, does this negate any credit you should receive for your hard work? If you take pain meds to get through surgery, does it make you weak? If you use a walking stick to help you stand, does it make you lazy?

I've learnt that it's not about how many tools you use to help you. It's about how you use those tools - as a crutch, or to help you achieve autonomy. It's a very different thing to rely on something to do the work for you, than to use it to help you achieve something important. Taking anti-depressants doesn't make me weak, it means that I am brave enough to embrace happiness, and that I recognize that I am not a victim; that I have the power to change my life... I just have a little (but very real) handicap ;)

Much love and peace,

Katie.

Non-conformist guide to jealousy

I was thinking the other day about how easily I have kicked addictions in my past and very recently. In my (short) lifetime, I have kicked 4 addictions. Some substances, some actions/behaviours. Some physical and some mental addictions. Either way, as soon as I put my mind to it, I fucking aced it. I think it is because I have strong principles. As soon as I decide something is against my principles, I will abandon it.

Today, I realized that I still have an addiction to kill. This addiction is conformity.

For a while now, I have strongly considered myself a non-conformist. In fact one of my most highly-held principles is not letting others dictate what I do/say/wear etc. But a lot of the time I still do, because as a human being, and as an individual, I have high rejection-sensitivity and a need for approval from others.

For me, being non-conformist is a conscious decision. It is actually a lifestyle choice. But it's not just about deliberately being different just for the sake of it. Non-conformity is truly about not letting large-scale approval for something influence my actions. So if I like a band that everyone else likes, I am allowed to do so as long as I'm not just tricking myself into liking them because I will be included and accepted. And if I want to wear my crazy 60s patterned flare pants (which I will do so today at the risk of disapproval -which hurts sometimes!), I am allowed to do so as long as that is what will make my heart sing and my spirit soar.

This process is conscious, as I must always pinpoint the reasons behind any negative emotions and assess how to deal with the conflict between external pressures and my own values and beliefs. It is essentially fighting instinct, the survival instinct to fit in. This is a highly involved cognitive process which I am involved in every day, and it is not at all easy. The pressure of conformity is strong and relentless, and it is helped along by jealousy. Jealousy is the enemy of the non-conformist. It makes you look to others to decide what you want, instead of looking within. Jealousy is also a defense mechanism that makes it easy to regain self-confidence by putting another person down. It is disguised as pride, while it is really insecurity. As someone who considers themselves a good person, it is hard for me to admit that I do get jealous a lot. One thing I get jealous of (along with a lot of women) is other girls' bodies. To state the obvious, something that is highly valued in this increasingly online society is a fit body. Girls with these type of bodies like to put them on display, and obviously they never fall short of 'likes' and admiring comments. This high level of approval is what produces the jealousy, and pressures people to conform. 

I see jealousy as giving me 3 options:

1. You can change yourself to resemble the person that you're jealous of - therefore erasing the jealousy because you now will get the same approval (If you can't beat them, join them)
2. You can keep being jealous but pretend you're not because that person is a skank and you are way better than them for not putting your boobs all over the internet (If you can't be them, destroy them)
3. You can address the underlying insecurity, be confident in your own values and qualities, and let that person march to the beat of their own drum (Let go of needing approval)

I find it really hard to be jealous, as I know I can only ever take option 3 to be happy, as much as I want to take options 1 or 2. Both options 1 and 2 are big conformity traps in a jealousy battle. They both inflate a sense of pride because on either side of the battle, you're going to get approval. People love to swoon over chicks with hot bodies, and people love to put down chicks with hot bodies. Seemingly a win-win for the ego! Except you will still harbour the deep insecurity that you began with. That is why I go with option 3, or at least try to. Option 3 opens the doors for a wonderful relationship of self-love and will help you build compassion and acceptance of others. Option 3 leads to PEACE.

You might think option 1 would be an okay option because once I get a "hot body" (by someone else's standards), I'll stop hating on other chicks and stop criticizing myself... right? Well, not in my experience... My body is what it is and trying to change that was a hard battle that led to an even deeper self-hatred than I began with. Why? Because I couldn't be what I thought society wanted me to be, no matter how hard I tried. If I am reliant on others to approve of me in order to love myself, I will never love myself, because people will always hate me for something. However, if I cultivate love for myself from within, no matter what others are telling me to look like, then my self-confidence will be sustainable. I choose to love myself, but I cannot choose whether other people do. Self-love and self-awareness are the keys to non-conformity.

This is why I choose to be a non-conformist. It may be hard and I may have to dig up and battle against deep-seated insecurities. I may have to think a lot, and have debates with myself in my head. I may not have anyone to tell me that I'm right, to ease my doubts. It may seem that everyone is against me, and I may feel lonely and unsupported in my decisions. But in the words of Chris from Parks and Recreation, "I'm not lonely, I have myself". And as long as I work on becoming my own best friend, no large-scale influence should ever be able to tell me what I need or want.

Even jealousy comes with a blessing, as it can help me recognize how I can become my own best friend.

I'm going to start with the body love :)

New moon on the new year

So it's now 2014. Next year, a space shuttle will land on the surface of Pluto. As an Aquarian I tend to get ahead of myself and ahead of time. So let's take a step back to my beginning of this year.

I began the new year watching fireworks. This was the same as last new year except I was sober this time. It was beautiful. I thought to myself, one of the best things about this shitty society is fireworks.
Soon enough we got to our club of choice. This wasn't how I had planned my night, but I had chosen to help a friend out by taking her out with me and my boyfriend. Long story so I won't go on about it, but this is how I ended up in the city.

My friend and I took a pill when we got there. I usually don't trust pills, as they may have anything in them. I like pure MDMA. But my other friend had tried them, so I took his word that they were good. I believe all things happen for a reason, and that is why I was guided to take these things. When it hit, I threw up. I felt sick and sluggish. I didn't feel good. An hour passed, I threw up again. Everything was intense around me. It felt like I was tripping. What was wrong, were these pills too strong or were they something else? I couldn't talk and I just wanted to be alone. But in the middle of a club smokers room, this was not possible. I was scared and I wanted to cry. Eventually, I started thinking that I wanted to leave. I was not having fun.

2 hours in, and I had decided to leave. I was scared because everything seemed so weird and I didn't think I could handle the train. My friend was going to leave with me, but she said that before we left, she was going to take me through a meditation. She sat me down on the dirty concrete in the corner of the smokers room while the chatter buzzed around us, and I closed my eyes. Instantly I focused in on her voice and everything else quietened around me. She was describing how I felt, and how I shouldn't feel that way because of how amazing I am. She described my light, and I felt my light growing inside of me. I was crying, through her voice I remembered how strong I was, and that when I felt this small I was just forgetting how really big I am. I remembered that I wasn't alone and I could fight whatever fight was going on inside me as long as I reached out for help. I no longer felt scared, I felt protected and loved by my friends, and by myself.

After that, I regained my confidence and didn't feel nearly as paranoid. I was tripping a lot less. I talked to a few people about it and one of them said they were having a similar experience. Another friend said that it reminded him of the saying "Ecstasy; you don't know what it will do to you". This made me laugh, mostly because I saw that this statement was very, very true.

I had spent most of the night down in the smokers room, so I decided to go and dance. Some weird german techno was playing. It was divine.

Soon, it was my boyfriend's turn to play DJ. I danced, mostly alone for a while, and started to feel self-conscious again. Some guy grabbed my ass and it made it put my guard way up. I felt like a little girl. I could not relax. Then there was this other guy dancing, who I always see at this club. He is an ethnic dude, with a kind spirit and a friendly smile... and he dances differently to everyone else. He dances like he is free, like he is completely immersed in the music and forgets that anyone else is around him. I always notice this guy because he is so different. Other people notice he's different too, but respond really negatively. I tried to explain to someone that night that I love how he dances because he flows from his heart. They still just thought he was weird. I knew he was special.

He freaked me out a bit that morning because he was trying to make eye contact and dance with me. Normally I'd be okay with it but because I was in this weird headspace, it felt like he was putting attention on me and I didn't want attention. Anxiety levels were high. He told me that I am too shy. It was at that moment that I KNEW that this guy was meant to teach me something, he was meant to challenge me.

Later on, I ventured down to the smokers room again. The dancing guy was there. It was weird because I always saw him as that awesome dancing guy, and had never actually talked to him properly at all! Finally talking to him was like talking to someone I had known for my whole life... maybe even longer. We talked about why he dances, and how it frees him from every bad experience he has ever had. We talked about how he is judged for his dancing. We talked about how people are afraid of connecting with others and afraid of showing our true selves because we will be judged. We talked about how society conditions us to be scared of people who want to connect because we never see that behaviour on TV, and I realized that this guy made me scared because usually when a guy is this friendly he is making a pass. But I got it in that moment, dancing guy was NOT making a pass! This was NOT television, this was something REAL. He wanted to connect, one soul to another, one life form to another. He was sad that no one would dance and connect with him, but at the same time accepted it because he knew people didn't understand. But he wanted it for me, he wanted me to feel free because he saw how scared I was and how much it would benefit me to let go. 

So I did it. We walked back up to the music and stood in the middle of the dance floor. He got me to close my eyes and I stopped all the racing thoughts in my head, I ignored the fact that people may judge me, because it didn't matter. I just moved. I became energy fused with the music. I smiled and felt my heart opening. I opened my eyes and we kept dancing, having so much fun! And then, as if we were emitting some kind of powerful energy, people were coming up and giving us hugs and telling us how awesome we were! It was like magic, like people were feeling what we felt, sensing our souls and wanting to connect.

I know this all sounds really weird and like this guy may have been a sleaze, but honestly, it was the furthest thing from it. Dancing guy feels like an old soul, and with his aid I was able to let go of my fears -fears that were heightened by some weird ass drugs- and fucking move. Not dance; just move, and flow, and FEEL. Instead of closed I was open. Instead of small I was big. Instead of scared I had power. Instead of trapped I was free.

I could not have asked for a more perfect embodiment of 2013 in one night. New years mirrored my whole year; a journey and a struggle to regain my self-confidence and step into my own power.

During the past 12 months I made some of the most amazing accomplishments. I learnt to stand up for myself by removing toxic people from my life. I took ownership of my pot addiction and kicked it in the ass, and now I can go anywhere I want without fear of being left without it. I also kicked cigarettes. Not completely, but you could say I am no longer a "smoker". I survived 3 months without my boyfriend, kicking my dependency on him and learned to love my own company. I learnt to trust my intuition a whole lot more, and to be able to say no to people. I battled my anxiety to complete my undergraduate psychology degree. I was the happiest I have probably ever been since I was a little girl, even for a short period of time.

For 2014 I have a vision. I will expand my knowledge, wisdom, energy and ability and experience life as much as possible, rather than wait for it to pass. I will take risks if my heart wills me to, and I won't wait up on anyone else to help me do what I feel I need to do. I've had enough of superficial bullshit, I will remove as much of it as I can out of my life, even if it means feeling left out of things... I will push through it for the sake of a rewarding existence.

Here's to taking the plunge into the future.