Just stumbled upon my other blogspot account by accident, and had a read of my old blogs. All three of them. Yeah, I have always been indecisive. I have always been a lot of things, but there are some things that have changed.
For instance, I'm not as cynical anymore. I no longer think there is no point to living, and that absolutely everyone only cares about themselves, and that life is the ultimate suck-fest. I still think that most people are metaphorical zombies but I try not to assume they are shit because of it... I try.
Also, I like myself now. I no longer struggle with my weight or calories in food. I no longer direct hatred towards myself. I no longer blame myself for things that go wrong or other people's misfortunes. Sure, I still criticise myself sometimes. But this rarely turns into full-blown self-hatred.
A third major change is how I handle my emotions. I no longer try to suppress guilt or sadness with a blade or drugs, and I am much better at expressing myself and trusting people. I still have a lot of trust issues but I handle them a bit (or a lot) better, I think. I am learning that it's okay to let someone know I care about them. Not everyone is going to hurt me. And if they do, I can bounce back.
Overall I am a much more positive person. Reading some of my old posts made me very, very sad. I can't believe I was ever in a state of mind where people were telling me that I seriously needed help. I didn't realise how suicidal I sounded. It never occurred to me that I would ever be happy and learn to love myself. All life was for me was a black hole. Darkness ahead, nothing to light the way. I cried out for help, I pitied myself, and at the same time, I shut everyone out.
So what flipped me to this point? 3 years ago, at my lowest of lows, where I had hurt everyone I possibly could and hated myself for it, where I thought I had lost everything... I met my current boyfriend. I don't think he even knows the extent of my past problems, and he doesn't need to. That was the old me, a me that I would rather leave behind... (as I discovered today)... In every new blog I started I vowed to 'start over', and finally, this was truly my new beginning. Unlike my ex, he didn't place emphasis on the fact that I had some body image and mental health issues... I think this really allowed me to base my identity on something new. I blossomed like a flower, slowly, but surely. My old plant had been burnt down and a new one rose from the ashes. Like a phoenix. I struggled, but I thrived. I healed with unconditional love. I continued to re-evaluated myself and how I viewed the world. And eventually, I started to awaken...
Meditation was my biggest turning point. The end of darkness and the beginning of a rainbow era. For the first time, I got to know and love my true self, the self I was running away from for so long. I discovered my power, my energy, my gifts. And even though I went through another bout of depression this year, it was nowhere as severe as it could have been. It was based on helplessness, not self-loathing. I didn't think I deserved it.
Funnily enough, this turning point actually happened at the brink of '2012'... Was this a rebirth for me? A beginning of a new age?
Whatever it was, I am so grateful that I don't feel those horrible feelings anymore, I'm so grateful I survived. I am so grateful for the people who helped me through, and who helped me grow into the 'new' me (or rather, 'true' me!).
I will never look back.
Thursday 29 August 2013
Saturday 10 August 2013
Another look at the Existential Givens
One of my earliest memories of self-talk, or thinking to myself, is one of Existential Isolation. Only today have I discovered this term and its meaning, and this memory came to mind.
I remember as a young girl, maybe 6? ...I thought it was younger, I'm not sure. It was probably when my sense of empathy began to develop, so around the age of 6-7. Every now and then I used become aware that I was looking at the world through my own eyes and I would say to myself, "This is MY life". This was the predominant thought, accompanied by the general sense of 'knowing' that other people were also living and experiencing life, but I would never see the world through anyone elses eyes. I wondered what they were seeing and why I could never see it. I must have been so unconsciously scared by the thought that another voice would always jump in and say "Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot".
As weird as this seemed to me at the time, this now holds a lot of significance to me. After reading about the 4 Existential givens/Ultimate concerns (mentioned in my last blog, see 'Love's Executioner' by Irvin D. Yalom), I realized that the voice that told me to shut up was protecting me from the concern of existential isolation. Existential isolation refers to the barrier that exists between the self and others, even in the presence of deep relationships. It is the fact that we are born alone and we die alone. This causes anxiety, and much like the other givens, we try to protect ourselves from this. A common way is to form a passionate relationship whereby we perceive that two become one. Yalom states that this attitude to a relationship is destined to cave, because we can never fully be one with another (at least in this physical form). This anxiety and how I use my relationships to combat it is definitely true for me, but I thought it was just because I haven't been so kind to myself in the past, and I am scared of how I will speak to myself when I am alone ("Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot" demonstrates this well!)... but this theory and my memory have opened me up to consider that a lot of my anxiety is about being alone, not just physically, but existentially.
Yesterday I was pondering about which attachment style I have (anxious - this theme pops up a lot in my life) and now I'm thinking about this. So many theories in psychology, so many possibilities. But nothing is concrete, I guess any explanation is a good one as long as it makes sense and helps with overcoming major problems in life!
Now that I think about it, Existential Theory is applied in a lot of places. Landmark Education (based on Scientology) did actually address the concerns that life is meaningless and that we have the freedom to live however we want. There was a great discussion about how we are responsible for everything that happens in our lives, and once we assume that responsibility rather than blaming it on external sources, we can free ourselves from our barriers and create our own meaning for our lives. That was probably the only good thing I got out of it, aside from learning how to spot a cult, and to be careful of self-help seminars as they will turn their beneficial learnings on you so you feel obligated to attend and fork out hundreds for future sessions...
Live and learn, every day.
I remember as a young girl, maybe 6? ...I thought it was younger, I'm not sure. It was probably when my sense of empathy began to develop, so around the age of 6-7. Every now and then I used become aware that I was looking at the world through my own eyes and I would say to myself, "This is MY life". This was the predominant thought, accompanied by the general sense of 'knowing' that other people were also living and experiencing life, but I would never see the world through anyone elses eyes. I wondered what they were seeing and why I could never see it. I must have been so unconsciously scared by the thought that another voice would always jump in and say "Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot".
As weird as this seemed to me at the time, this now holds a lot of significance to me. After reading about the 4 Existential givens/Ultimate concerns (mentioned in my last blog, see 'Love's Executioner' by Irvin D. Yalom), I realized that the voice that told me to shut up was protecting me from the concern of existential isolation. Existential isolation refers to the barrier that exists between the self and others, even in the presence of deep relationships. It is the fact that we are born alone and we die alone. This causes anxiety, and much like the other givens, we try to protect ourselves from this. A common way is to form a passionate relationship whereby we perceive that two become one. Yalom states that this attitude to a relationship is destined to cave, because we can never fully be one with another (at least in this physical form). This anxiety and how I use my relationships to combat it is definitely true for me, but I thought it was just because I haven't been so kind to myself in the past, and I am scared of how I will speak to myself when I am alone ("Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot" demonstrates this well!)... but this theory and my memory have opened me up to consider that a lot of my anxiety is about being alone, not just physically, but existentially.
Yesterday I was pondering about which attachment style I have (anxious - this theme pops up a lot in my life) and now I'm thinking about this. So many theories in psychology, so many possibilities. But nothing is concrete, I guess any explanation is a good one as long as it makes sense and helps with overcoming major problems in life!
Now that I think about it, Existential Theory is applied in a lot of places. Landmark Education (based on Scientology) did actually address the concerns that life is meaningless and that we have the freedom to live however we want. There was a great discussion about how we are responsible for everything that happens in our lives, and once we assume that responsibility rather than blaming it on external sources, we can free ourselves from our barriers and create our own meaning for our lives. That was probably the only good thing I got out of it, aside from learning how to spot a cult, and to be careful of self-help seminars as they will turn their beneficial learnings on you so you feel obligated to attend and fork out hundreds for future sessions...
Live and learn, every day.
Saturday 3 August 2013
Healing
So I am in the hospital with my boyfriend today. Pretty much the day after I posted that blog, he texted me telling me he was in hospital with what they thought was a ruptured kidney. Later he was airlifted to a larger hospital, thankfully much closer to my house. Turns out he is ok and healing well.
So this could have come at a slightly better timing, since I was still distressed from the incident which prompted my not so friendly blog post. I feel bad about my anger but I think I handled it way better than I would have in the past. Letting out my anger in a constructive way was very helpful.
Unfortunately, more problems arose and I ended up being abused by the same people all Friday morning for a minor request, and it all got too much for me. I had a massive breakdown and left class to see a counsellor at uni. He was actually amazing, he did so much for me in that hour than any other psychologist had ever done, and he was still provisional. I am so grateful for his help as I have avoided slipping back into a highly negative state. I am still angry and hurt, but I am in no way depressed and have managed to maintain some of my Zen. Yay.
I am still pretty resentful today though, as I am in the hospital visiting my boyfriend, and these people decided to come and visit too. So I am bored, sitting in a cafe, writing this blog post, waiting for them to leave. I am trying my hardest to let go of this resentment, as it is draining me a lot and I am very aware that I am putting out negative energy. But as you can imagine my guard has gone right up and I'm not ready to open up and relax any time soon. Having an anxiety problem also doesn't help. Sigh. Baby steps I guess.
Maybe I should try and meditate or something.
Yesterday in my tute for Psychopathology, we discussed Existential Therapy. Apparently the case study (the Fat Lady Yalom case) presented this therapy in a negative light, but I was late and didn't read the case study, so I am very enthusiastic about reading more about this therapy technique. Apparently, it is based on the theory that inner conflict is due to 4 Existential Givens, or Ultimate Conerns in life. These are:
1. The inevitability of death
2. Freedom and associated responsibility
3. Existential Isolation and
4. Meaninglessness
Without having read anything about this, including any critiques, I am naturally drawn to this theory as I believe a lot of my own internal conflict is due to these existential givens. For example: today I am trying to let go of my anger because I feel that with freedom I must be responsible for my own emotions and reactions to events, but I am finding it hard to so. So this results in conflict. Also meaninglessness troubled me for a while there, like there was no point in life so what is the point in living, but now I have created my own meaning so it doesn't bother me that much anymore. The inevitability of death also creates conflict within me as I believe this is where a lot of my anxiety about work and uni comes from. In my mind there is no time to waste as I have limited time to enjoy my life, but as I have to succumb to these seemingly meaningless responsibilities (again freedom and responsibility comes in) which take up so much time, I get frustrated. I am not too sure about existential isolation as I'm not sure what it means exactly so I don't want to comment on it. Apparently it's the same as phenomenology. Forgot what that is too. I am hella tired.
Anyway, hopefully I will get to go back into the hospital room soon.
Thanks for reading guys, again I would appreciate if some positive vibes could be sent my way, and more importantly healing vibes for my boyfriends kidney!
Peace.
Thursday 1 August 2013
Hurt
It takes a hell of a lot to push my buttons so hard that I turn my back on you.
With my friends, I give and give and give. If i care about you, I will dedicate all my spare energy into helping you with whatever problem you have. What I am sick of, is dedicating way more energy than I should, to people who just throw it back in my face. Then I am left with emptiness where I could have been filled with vitality. I am sick of energy vampires. I am sick of trying to help people who won't help themselves. I am sick of trying to see the good in people who can't see the good in others. I am sick of being hurt by people who I thought genuinely cared about me, but just wanted to suck me dry.
I am DONE. I am done trying with you selfish fuckers. You would think I had learnt the first time, and the second time. But I just had to keep on giving. Coz you know, I have faith in people. I have faith that people will give back, and I have faith they are grateful. I believe that through love, you can help people become the best person they can be. But no. And this makes me terribly sad.
I imagine you have felt this before, even on a smaller scale. Take, for example, a lady in the shops today. My friend held the door open for her until she got her trolley out of the bathroom. Not a glance, not a thank you. The kindness and energy my friend gave to that woman was wasted.
This is how I feel, but on a scale 100x larger. I have put up with so much negativity, and spent so much of my time giving to this person, trying to help them through difficult times in their life. But I have learnt, yet again, that there is only so much you can do for someone. So from now on, my energy is MINE. No, I am not being selfish. You don't sit there, and drain me of my energy for months, and then chuck me out of your life because I decided to do something for myself for once. For ONCE.
As I said, it takes a lot to get me to this stage. So well done. If you're able to make me withdraw my love for you, you're doing a great job at being an asshole.
Would greatly appreciate some healing energy from anyone reading this at the moment, I am drained and exhausted.
I promise the next post will be accompanied with my usual positive air.
Peace.
With my friends, I give and give and give. If i care about you, I will dedicate all my spare energy into helping you with whatever problem you have. What I am sick of, is dedicating way more energy than I should, to people who just throw it back in my face. Then I am left with emptiness where I could have been filled with vitality. I am sick of energy vampires. I am sick of trying to help people who won't help themselves. I am sick of trying to see the good in people who can't see the good in others. I am sick of being hurt by people who I thought genuinely cared about me, but just wanted to suck me dry.
I am DONE. I am done trying with you selfish fuckers. You would think I had learnt the first time, and the second time. But I just had to keep on giving. Coz you know, I have faith in people. I have faith that people will give back, and I have faith they are grateful. I believe that through love, you can help people become the best person they can be. But no. And this makes me terribly sad.
I imagine you have felt this before, even on a smaller scale. Take, for example, a lady in the shops today. My friend held the door open for her until she got her trolley out of the bathroom. Not a glance, not a thank you. The kindness and energy my friend gave to that woman was wasted.
This is how I feel, but on a scale 100x larger. I have put up with so much negativity, and spent so much of my time giving to this person, trying to help them through difficult times in their life. But I have learnt, yet again, that there is only so much you can do for someone. So from now on, my energy is MINE. No, I am not being selfish. You don't sit there, and drain me of my energy for months, and then chuck me out of your life because I decided to do something for myself for once. For ONCE.
As I said, it takes a lot to get me to this stage. So well done. If you're able to make me withdraw my love for you, you're doing a great job at being an asshole.
Would greatly appreciate some healing energy from anyone reading this at the moment, I am drained and exhausted.
I promise the next post will be accompanied with my usual positive air.
Peace.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)