Insomnia and energy

So I woke up at around 3am and it seems I'm not going back to sleep any time soon. I've never had insomnia before (or as far as I can remember), so now I can say I really sympathise with those of you who have it. There's not much to do in the wee hours of the morning, except blog I guess. Or if you're my brother, playing games which involve world domination.

For those of you wondering why I'm up at this time, it's because I have cut down heavily on my pot use. Upsides include constant euphoria, feeling more, waking up easily in the morning, clear-mindedness and less pressure on my lungs. Downsides include writing this blog post at 4am. If anyone would like information on their pot use, withdrawal, and tips on cutting down or quitting, I found Know Cannabis very useful and straightfroward. Also, Addiction Dirkh has some more complex and neurological information on marijuana withdrawal.

Well... I have had an exhausting week. Not to say it's been shit, just very fast paced and crazy. It's definitely the full moon, this happens every time. Work is always busier and life is more hectic. I have hardly had the chance to talk to my boyfriend or write a blog post. Thank God for insomnia?

On that note, I'm not actually religious, but I do attend these weekly spiritual/meditation classes run by my cousin, who is also a psychic artist and an author. Check out his art and soul blueprints here. I'm really enjoying putting links in my text just so you know :) Anyway, this class pretty much turned me from self-loathing, cynical emo girl to an optimistic, world-loving hippy. This Wednesday's class was one of the more magical ones, let me tell you all about it.

I rocked up to the class, euphoric as ever, high off no pot (I still think this is funny). There was another Aquarian dude there who has also been bouncing off the walls all week, which helped me feel less crazy. But being an Aquarian, feeling crazy is sort of normal. Anyway, we were told we were going to bring up some negative emotions and express them through art. Art therapy, in a way. It wasn't really my ideal class at this stage because of how happy I've been, but I gave it a go. I went right into my heart and brought up a sadness that I had not acknowledged was still there. It was surprisingly easy to cry and draw it all out on paper. Once it was over, I recovered my good mood with a renewed sense of strength, feeling way more grounded. An amazing thing for me, always with my heads in the clouds. I realized that maybe why I've been so high is that I run away from my negative emotions. When I feel happy, I cling onto it like my life depends on it. But you know what? My life doesn't depend on it. I discovered I can still feel less desirable emotions and feel happy about life at the same time.

Lately, I have been feeling so much intense love for the world and everyone in it. All my emotion that I've pushed down with pot has come up. My fear has been replaced with courage, my loneliness has been replaced with oneness, and my anger has been replaced with sadness. Sometimes I feel like this is too much emotion for me to deal with at once. Even feeling the love has been exhausting, because I am constantly radiating it out to everyone around me. It has been a great couple of weeks, and I absolutely love having more than enough energy to share with those who have less. But I think I need to save some for myself, or at least put it into things I love or need to do, like my university studies (already falling behind, as usual), and... well, I don't know what else. I feel too guilty doing art, reading or music because I have uni work to do.

It's 4:20am... ;) But I will be going to sleep naturally now.

Love and Peace to you.

Awake

The other morning I was having a blast listening to The Beatles while driving to uni. It was a beautiful sunny morning and I was keen to attend my first lectures for two of my subjects. As I was driving, I started thinking about how amazing my friends and family are, and how loved I am, and how I'm in such a good place mentally at the moment. At this point, singing along to Hey Jude, my thoughts shut off, paving the way for a flood of emotion. I actually teared up as the feeling of gratitude and love expanded in an infinite space inside my soul. I felt pure love for myself and everything around me. A feeling of completeness, oneness.

I am 99% sure that this only the second time in my life that I have ever felt anything like that without the aid of what I like to call... "spiritually enhancing substances". It first happened in my weekly meditation class, when we were doing a meditation themed around expanding the aura with energy. This time I was meditating - just being - without trying. I instantly tapped into myself and my energy in its purest form. High on life.

This experience was then followed by an amazing weekend with some of the most open and loving humans I have ever met :) Saturday night, (yes, with the aid of "spiritually enhancing substances"), was another magical night, where I felt absolute clarity and peace. We talked about so many things, real, raw and no bullshit. We expressed out love for each other without fear. It was such an amazing vibe. Some people may think this isn't real. It's influenced by drugs, it's just a fake feeling. I disagree. I tend to think that all these feelings are there already, waiting for us to unlock them. This has been supported by my experience the other day, when I was completely sober. These substances, these compounds... essentially change the way our consciousness works. We are able to tap into different perspectives, and come up with different ideas that we already know, but are yet to be discovered, or realised. These substances either unlock buried parts of the mind, or block certain perception processes that keep us grounded in 3D. Once you can shut the ego off, you become just feeling, just energy, and can access higher levels of reality. I guess this is pretty much a shortcut to a meditative state. However, I do feel that you need to be somewhat open to yourself and the world to be able to utilise the spiritual effects of certain drugs. Otherwise they just become another blanket for your issues, another escape from reality, a destructive addiction pattern. What a waste of potential magic.

At some point during our Saturday night shenanigans, as a lot of people who partake in such shenanigans would relate to, the subject of being "awake" came up. What does it mean to be awake? My chemically ridden brain came up with this explanation (as accurately as I can remember saying it):

"To be awake, is to know... that we are all one. We all came from a single source. We are the same; you and me, we are the same, so are you and (friend's name), and him and me... All of us. And to be awake is to know that to change the world, you must switch to love. Not fear, only love."

To switch to love requires conquering fear. Conquering fear requires courage. And courage comes from a confidence in yourself. Start to treat yourself better, and become so confident in your amazing unique self, that challenges no longer scare you and negativity no longer poses a threat to your spirit. Then you will learn to forgive and love everything unconditionally, for all its good and bad.

It all starts with you. Love yourself and love others... love yourself and love everything. And realise that you ARE everything.

What is normal?

On Tuesday I attended my first Disability, Diversity and Social Exclusion tutorial. Turns out that most of us doing this unit are psychology students. My tutor made a comment, "all you psychology students, going to change the world"... damn right we are. Eventually anyway, after 6 or more years of study!

She also said something else, something that came up for me during my mushroom trip last Friday night. "What is normal?" This question is asked of psychology students the moment we begin. We are actually taught common definitions of normal, how normal is measured. You know, because we like to categorize things. If you are acting in an accepted way, if you are part of a majority (socially, physically, whatever), or if you are deemed to function well (all 3 factors dependent on culture and context), then you or your behaviour could be described as 'normal'. What you do could be 'normal' in one culture or context but could be 'abnormal' in another.
As you'd expect I took a different take on it with shrooms in my belly. My mate said we should watch something 'normal'... my mind started racing as I asked the familiar question to myself: "What is normal?" Did he mean that he wanted to watch something we would usually watch, or did he want to watch 'normal' people, like reality shows? Are they even 'normal?' I don't think so... they seem pretty outrageous. Well, what do 'normal' people do? Were we going to watch a show where people sat around and had breakfast and went to work? Complained about traffic and workmates? Picked the kids up from school? What a boring show. I would rather watch something trippy. Would these TV people even think about stuff? Would they wonder what normal is? As I type this, the word 'normal' is losing its meaning. Is that normal? Does that happen to a majority of people? Is it specific to my culture? If so, which culture? Drug culture, Australian culture, language culture?

Life's endless questions...

I just looked up at my formatting toolbar for this blog and saw that 'normal' has been automatically selected for me. Blogger assumes that we all want normal as well...

So I started another subject, Social Psychology of Relationships. And get this... one of my unit learning objectives is "to observe and code behaviour"... Yes, I will be doing more categorizing, but I will be learning how to read you guys! Be afraid!
My lecturer made the point that whenever he says he is a psychologist, people always ask "Oh can you read my mind?"... I actually get that a lot too. We don't mind read but turns out we watch your every move... Seriously though, I am really excited that I will be learning something useful, something practical that will assist me in my relationships and my career :)

A last thing I will leave you with for now is another point my lecturer made... That the way in which you code behaviour, depends on the lens you observe it through.
Have a think about how your lens affects the way you see things, that other people may see differently...
My aim, as a future psychologist, is to have a neutral lens... Or at least an educated one.
Educated is the only way to gain a wider perspective, and a wider lens.

Now the word 'lens' has also lost meaning.
Time for bed.

Getting to know me and my nut

So my name is Katie and I am a 3rd year Psychology student.

Welcome to what is my 5th blog if I remember correctly. I'm only 21, but I have been writing journals and blogs since I was 9 years old. That makes this my 12th year of writing.... am I a veteran yet?

I should start by introducing who I am and why I am writing this blog.

So as I've stated I am a psychology student. Ever since I had to pick a career in high school, I have been all about psychology. There is nothing else I would want to be studying at all. I hate studying, but I love learning. I like to do things on my own terms.

Anyway, I got into psychology because of my own mental problems. People have said to me that psychology students are a 'bunch of weirdos' and I have to say I agree. I doubt any well adjusted person would be as interested in how the mind works as we are. I began my degree intending to help adolescents with eating disorders and depression. I am still interested in this field but my fascination has stretched into other areas such as sexuality, meditation and spirituality, and mind-altering substances. Right now I am in a massive psychedelic phase where all I want to do is trip out, paint and figure out the nature of humanity and the universe we reside in. Why are we here? That's what I want to know.

There is also more to me than psychology. I play music and sing, I read, I write, I paint, I draw, I meditate...
I love cats, fresh fruit juice, family, my friends and my boyfriend, food that doesn't have numbers in it, hippy pants, comfy clothes, clubbing, space documentaries I am a firm believer in the power of nature. I like to let my spirit sing and soar free.
I try not to hate, but I'm not perfect. So I hate money, capitalism, greed, social exclusion, large companies, bigotry and bureaucracy.
I stand for the rights of the LGBTIQ community, mother Earth, small businesses, animals, women and all those who are oppressed for speaking the truth.

Again, I am not perfect, so I may deviate from my core values every now and then. The important thing is that I recognise it and rectify it ASAP! Every slip up, mistake and every challenge life throws at me is another chance to become a better person, more adaptable, strong and independent.

The largest challenge I face at the moment is my boyfriend of (almost) 3 years going to work in the snow for 3 months. This is my main reason for starting this blog. I actually hate spending time with myself, which stems from a history of self-hatred, loneliness and just generally having a shit time unless I was distracted from my own thoughts. This challenge is probably the only chance I will get to build my independence and regain my self love, as I have no one to fall back on, or spend 24/7 with just so I don't have to face myself. It's been a week. And this blog will document my journey towards being content with my own company, as well as my thoughts about the things I learn in my last semester of my undergraduate Psych degree.

Thanks for reading, I hope you'll all join me for what will probably (hopefully?) be an interesting blog on my lectures at uni tomorrow. I am starting Diversity, Disability and Social Exclusion, Cognition and Behaviour, Social Psychology of Relationships, and Psychopathology.

Should be a good semester :)