Hello all, it's been a while. With a mind like a leap frog, it's hard to stay on topic long enough to write a blog post. But I feel I should get back to writing because I have learnt a lot in the past couple of months that could be useful to anyone who reads this.
In the last week, I realized that I need to learn to cope with feelings of happiness. Sounds strange, as happiness is obviously the greatest, so why would anyone run from it? It's complicated for me. I am still coming to terms with being on anti-depressants, after about 5 years of taking them. My mum thinks that drugs bring "artificial happiness", and that is my subconscious view of my "happy pills". I think, for me, the term "happy pills" brings with it a judgement that my happiness comes purely from the pills.
I have gone off them a few times (without professional permission- never do this) due to reaching a nice happy plateau, and feeling like I didn't need them anymore. I was about to do the same this week, when I received some advice from a friend who is studying mental health, drugs and alcohol. This advice brought me down to earth from my illusion cloud.
Since I have gotten really into Buddhism lately, I thought that my stability of happiness meant I was ready to use my coping mechanisms on a lower dose. Subtle feelings of irritability and instability started to creep through, and I told my friend about it, and she advised me that my prescription is meant to level out a real, solid, chemical deficiency in my brain (something my psychologist thinks is the cause for my mental health issues), not to "make" me happy. She said that my pills bring me to a level playing field, that of someone with a healthy amount of neurochemicals... which is true. But at first, like always, I thought, no, I should be able to live without taking these pills every day. Something about being able to be happy "naturally" is appealing to me, it meant I will have attained it without help. But after a bit of internal reasoning, I realized that it is my ego that wants me to live without the pills. It's the ego that tells me that happiness isn't real if it comes from a pill, that I haven't earnt it, so I don't deserve it. But when I think about it rationally, qualified professionals put me on this stuff, and as a future psychologist, there is no way I would ever advise one of my clients to taper off their pills just because they finally feel normal and can enjoy life again, and there is no way that I would ever view them any less for taking them. So why do I treat myself more harshly than I would with anyone else?
With my high standards for myself, it is hard for me to accept that it is my own happiness that is coming through now. It's hard for me to accept that I am not on a mind-altering drug, that I need my medication for my mental health as much as a diabetic needs their insulin, or someone with cholesterol problems needs their statins. Because of the stigma of mental health, the dependence on medication makes me feel weak, that I am cheating my way to happiness, that my happiness is artificial. I feel that I haven't worked hard for my happiness, and I want to earn it rather than it come easy, so I can feel like I have accomplished something. This view prevents me from fully owning my positive feelings and taking responsibility for the good that has come of my life. But as my friend made me realize, I have worked hard for my happiness. I have gone through some of the shittest things and come out alive. I have kicked addictions, physical and mental; I have trained my brain to be more rational and tolerant with buddhist teachings; I have learnt to enjoy my own company in the absence of my boyfriend. I finished year 12 with high grades despite horrible anxiety, and I have a bachelor's degree in psychology, despite all the times I wanted to give up.
So I think that instead of challenging myself with tapering off my meds, I will challenge myself to do what I would advise anyone else to do: accept my happiness as it is, and to come to terms with the possibility that I may be on these meds for most or the rest of my life. Even in my happy state, that is a big load that I need to process. A huge part of my ego needs to be worked on in order to be proud of myself and feel that I deserve this happiness, and to maintain that feeling in the face of any internal conflict. And it's very important that I am able to come to terms with this, so that I can set a good example for my future clients who will very likely have the same concerns with anti-depressants.
I think this must be a common thing. Just like people find it hard to accept compliments, it is hard to accept that you are responsible for your own happiness and the good things that come out of your life. But really, if you accept help or advice on a project, does this negate any credit you should receive for your hard work? If you take pain meds to get through surgery, does it make you weak? If you use a walking stick to help you stand, does it make you lazy?
I've learnt that it's not about how many tools you use to help you. It's about how you use those tools - as a crutch, or to help you achieve autonomy. It's a very different thing to rely on something to do the work for you, than to use it to help you achieve something important. Taking anti-depressants doesn't make me weak, it means that I am brave enough to embrace happiness, and that I recognize that I am not a victim; that I have the power to change my life... I just have a little (but very real) handicap ;)
Much love and peace,
Katie.
