Limbo

So I started this blog to keep me distracted while my boyfriend was away for 3 months. Really, it turned out to be a piece of cake! I got my life together, in terms of family life, connecting with people that matter, spending time alone, studying and giving up smoking and being a stoner.

I thought it would all go uphill from here. However, sometimes I can be a bit too optimistic. I'm trying to analyse why this is happening in terms of all that I've learnt in my degree. I thought I knew myself well - better than most people know themselves - but sometimes, like now, I am left stumped. What can I attribute this feeling to? It feels like... loss. Like stagnation. I'm unsure where to go. Maybe I had a moment of insecurity and I latched onto it, holding it close. That's a mistake I almost made a couple of weeks ago. I'm fighting it in my head, but sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between myself and an intruder. Sometimes I mistake that voice for my own and take it on board, only to find it makes me feel worse. That's mostly when I can tell it's not me.

I'm hoping it's just a feeling of being in limbo... I've finished my classes, and now it's like I'm in the waiting room for exams. Waiting never makes anyone feel good. You often get bored, restless, trying to distract yourself from the slowing down of time. Fiddling, playing mundane games in your head, checking the same thing over and over on your phone. It's uncomfortable, you want to rest but you can't because you need to be alert when they call you, you need to be ready. After a long time of waiting you start to go a little crazy. Especially if you're alone, waiting to be released or moved on to something else. It's just you and your thoughts and time.

I guess I haven't been making the most of this time though. Instead of studying I've been waiting. Waiting for this to be over, waiting for freedom. I'm sure I could do something more constructive. I'm focused on my peculiar mental state though, which tends to make it worse.

Tomorrow, the goal is to study. To fill my brain with info. Then there won't be room for any crazy talk.