The old me

Just stumbled upon my other blogspot account by accident, and had a read of my old blogs. All three of them. Yeah, I have always been indecisive. I have always been a lot of things, but there are some things that have changed.

For instance, I'm not as cynical anymore. I no longer think there is no point to living, and that absolutely everyone only cares about themselves, and that life is the ultimate suck-fest. I still think that most people are metaphorical zombies but I try not to assume they are shit because of it... I try.

Also, I like myself now. I no longer struggle with my weight or calories in food. I no longer direct hatred towards myself. I no longer blame myself for things that go wrong or other people's misfortunes. Sure, I still criticise myself sometimes. But this rarely turns into full-blown self-hatred.

A third major change is how I handle my emotions. I no longer try to suppress guilt or sadness with a blade or drugs, and I am much better at expressing myself and trusting people. I still have a lot of trust issues but I handle them a bit (or a lot) better, I think. I am learning that it's okay to let someone know I care about them. Not everyone is going to hurt me. And if they do, I can bounce back.

Overall I am a much more positive person. Reading some of my old posts made me very, very sad. I can't believe I was ever in a state of mind where people were telling me that I seriously needed help. I didn't realise how suicidal I sounded. It never occurred to me that I would ever be happy and learn to love myself. All life was for me was a black hole. Darkness ahead, nothing to light the way. I cried out for help, I pitied myself, and at the same time, I shut everyone out.

So what flipped me to this point? 3 years ago, at my lowest of lows, where I had hurt everyone I possibly could and hated myself for it, where I thought I had lost everything... I met my current boyfriend. I don't think he even knows the extent of my past problems, and he doesn't need to. That was the old me, a me that I would rather leave behind... (as I discovered today)... In every new blog I started I vowed to 'start over', and finally, this was truly my new beginning. Unlike my ex, he didn't place emphasis on the fact that I had some body image and mental health issues... I think this really allowed me to base my identity on something new. I blossomed like a flower, slowly, but surely. My old plant had been burnt down and a new one rose from the ashes. Like a phoenix. I struggled, but I thrived. I healed with unconditional love. I continued to re-evaluated myself and how I viewed the world. And eventually, I started to awaken...

Meditation was my biggest turning point. The end of darkness and the beginning of a rainbow era. For the first time, I got to know and love my true self, the self I was running away from for so long. I discovered my power, my energy, my gifts. And even though I went through another bout of depression this year, it was nowhere as severe as it could have been. It was based on helplessness, not self-loathing. I didn't think I deserved it.

Funnily enough, this turning point actually happened at the brink of '2012'... Was this a rebirth for me? A beginning of a new age?

Whatever it was, I am so grateful that I don't feel those horrible feelings anymore, I'm so grateful I survived. I am so grateful for the people who helped me through, and who helped me grow into the 'new' me (or rather, 'true' me!).

I will never look back.