Healing

So I am in the hospital with my boyfriend today. Pretty much the day after I posted that blog, he texted me telling me he was in hospital with what they thought was a ruptured kidney. Later he was airlifted to a larger hospital, thankfully much closer to my house. Turns out he is ok and healing well.

So this could have come at a slightly better timing, since I was still distressed from the incident which prompted my not so friendly blog post. I feel bad about my anger but I think I handled it way better than I would have in the past. Letting out my anger in a constructive way was very helpful.
Unfortunately, more problems arose and I ended up being abused by the same people all Friday morning for a minor request, and it all got too much for me. I had a massive breakdown and left class to see a counsellor at uni. He was actually amazing, he did so much for me in that hour than any other psychologist had ever done, and he was still provisional. I am so grateful for his help as I have avoided slipping back into a highly negative state. I am still angry and hurt, but I am in no way depressed and have managed to maintain some of my Zen. Yay.

I am still pretty resentful today though, as I am in the hospital visiting my boyfriend, and these people decided to come and visit too. So I am bored, sitting in a cafe, writing this blog post, waiting for them to leave. I am trying my hardest to let go of this resentment, as it is draining me a lot and I am very aware that I am putting out negative energy. But as you can imagine my guard has gone right up and I'm not ready to open up and relax any time soon. Having an anxiety problem also doesn't help. Sigh. Baby steps I guess.

Maybe I should try and meditate or something.
Yesterday in my tute for Psychopathology, we discussed Existential Therapy. Apparently the case study (the Fat Lady Yalom case) presented this therapy in a negative light, but I was late and didn't read the case study, so I am very enthusiastic about reading more about this therapy technique. Apparently, it is based on the theory that inner conflict is due to 4 Existential Givens, or Ultimate Conerns in life. These are:
1. The inevitability of death
2. Freedom and associated responsibility
3. Existential Isolation and
4. Meaninglessness

Without having read anything about this, including any critiques, I am naturally drawn to this theory as I believe a lot of my own internal conflict is due to these existential givens. For example: today I am trying to let go of my anger because I feel that with freedom I must be responsible for my own emotions and reactions to events, but I am finding it hard to so. So this results in conflict. Also meaninglessness troubled me for a while there, like there was no point in life so what is the point in living, but now I have created my own meaning so it doesn't bother me that much anymore. The inevitability of death also creates conflict within me as I believe this is where a lot of my anxiety about work and uni comes from. In my mind there is no time to waste as I have limited time to enjoy my life, but as I have to succumb to these seemingly meaningless responsibilities (again freedom and responsibility comes in) which take up so much time, I get frustrated. I am not too sure about existential isolation as I'm not sure what it means exactly so I don't want to comment on it. Apparently it's the same as phenomenology. Forgot what that is too. I am hella tired.

Anyway, hopefully I will get to go back into the hospital room soon.
Thanks for reading guys, again I would appreciate if some positive vibes could be sent my way, and more importantly healing vibes for my boyfriends kidney!
Peace.