Non-conformist guide to jealousy

I was thinking the other day about how easily I have kicked addictions in my past and very recently. In my (short) lifetime, I have kicked 4 addictions. Some substances, some actions/behaviours. Some physical and some mental addictions. Either way, as soon as I put my mind to it, I fucking aced it. I think it is because I have strong principles. As soon as I decide something is against my principles, I will abandon it.

Today, I realized that I still have an addiction to kill. This addiction is conformity.

For a while now, I have strongly considered myself a non-conformist. In fact one of my most highly-held principles is not letting others dictate what I do/say/wear etc. But a lot of the time I still do, because as a human being, and as an individual, I have high rejection-sensitivity and a need for approval from others.

For me, being non-conformist is a conscious decision. It is actually a lifestyle choice. But it's not just about deliberately being different just for the sake of it. Non-conformity is truly about not letting large-scale approval for something influence my actions. So if I like a band that everyone else likes, I am allowed to do so as long as I'm not just tricking myself into liking them because I will be included and accepted. And if I want to wear my crazy 60s patterned flare pants (which I will do so today at the risk of disapproval -which hurts sometimes!), I am allowed to do so as long as that is what will make my heart sing and my spirit soar.

This process is conscious, as I must always pinpoint the reasons behind any negative emotions and assess how to deal with the conflict between external pressures and my own values and beliefs. It is essentially fighting instinct, the survival instinct to fit in. This is a highly involved cognitive process which I am involved in every day, and it is not at all easy. The pressure of conformity is strong and relentless, and it is helped along by jealousy. Jealousy is the enemy of the non-conformist. It makes you look to others to decide what you want, instead of looking within. Jealousy is also a defense mechanism that makes it easy to regain self-confidence by putting another person down. It is disguised as pride, while it is really insecurity. As someone who considers themselves a good person, it is hard for me to admit that I do get jealous a lot. One thing I get jealous of (along with a lot of women) is other girls' bodies. To state the obvious, something that is highly valued in this increasingly online society is a fit body. Girls with these type of bodies like to put them on display, and obviously they never fall short of 'likes' and admiring comments. This high level of approval is what produces the jealousy, and pressures people to conform. 

I see jealousy as giving me 3 options:

1. You can change yourself to resemble the person that you're jealous of - therefore erasing the jealousy because you now will get the same approval (If you can't beat them, join them)
2. You can keep being jealous but pretend you're not because that person is a skank and you are way better than them for not putting your boobs all over the internet (If you can't be them, destroy them)
3. You can address the underlying insecurity, be confident in your own values and qualities, and let that person march to the beat of their own drum (Let go of needing approval)

I find it really hard to be jealous, as I know I can only ever take option 3 to be happy, as much as I want to take options 1 or 2. Both options 1 and 2 are big conformity traps in a jealousy battle. They both inflate a sense of pride because on either side of the battle, you're going to get approval. People love to swoon over chicks with hot bodies, and people love to put down chicks with hot bodies. Seemingly a win-win for the ego! Except you will still harbour the deep insecurity that you began with. That is why I go with option 3, or at least try to. Option 3 opens the doors for a wonderful relationship of self-love and will help you build compassion and acceptance of others. Option 3 leads to PEACE.

You might think option 1 would be an okay option because once I get a "hot body" (by someone else's standards), I'll stop hating on other chicks and stop criticizing myself... right? Well, not in my experience... My body is what it is and trying to change that was a hard battle that led to an even deeper self-hatred than I began with. Why? Because I couldn't be what I thought society wanted me to be, no matter how hard I tried. If I am reliant on others to approve of me in order to love myself, I will never love myself, because people will always hate me for something. However, if I cultivate love for myself from within, no matter what others are telling me to look like, then my self-confidence will be sustainable. I choose to love myself, but I cannot choose whether other people do. Self-love and self-awareness are the keys to non-conformity.

This is why I choose to be a non-conformist. It may be hard and I may have to dig up and battle against deep-seated insecurities. I may have to think a lot, and have debates with myself in my head. I may not have anyone to tell me that I'm right, to ease my doubts. It may seem that everyone is against me, and I may feel lonely and unsupported in my decisions. But in the words of Chris from Parks and Recreation, "I'm not lonely, I have myself". And as long as I work on becoming my own best friend, no large-scale influence should ever be able to tell me what I need or want.

Even jealousy comes with a blessing, as it can help me recognize how I can become my own best friend.

I'm going to start with the body love :)

New moon on the new year

So it's now 2014. Next year, a space shuttle will land on the surface of Pluto. As an Aquarian I tend to get ahead of myself and ahead of time. So let's take a step back to my beginning of this year.

I began the new year watching fireworks. This was the same as last new year except I was sober this time. It was beautiful. I thought to myself, one of the best things about this shitty society is fireworks.
Soon enough we got to our club of choice. This wasn't how I had planned my night, but I had chosen to help a friend out by taking her out with me and my boyfriend. Long story so I won't go on about it, but this is how I ended up in the city.

My friend and I took a pill when we got there. I usually don't trust pills, as they may have anything in them. I like pure MDMA. But my other friend had tried them, so I took his word that they were good. I believe all things happen for a reason, and that is why I was guided to take these things. When it hit, I threw up. I felt sick and sluggish. I didn't feel good. An hour passed, I threw up again. Everything was intense around me. It felt like I was tripping. What was wrong, were these pills too strong or were they something else? I couldn't talk and I just wanted to be alone. But in the middle of a club smokers room, this was not possible. I was scared and I wanted to cry. Eventually, I started thinking that I wanted to leave. I was not having fun.

2 hours in, and I had decided to leave. I was scared because everything seemed so weird and I didn't think I could handle the train. My friend was going to leave with me, but she said that before we left, she was going to take me through a meditation. She sat me down on the dirty concrete in the corner of the smokers room while the chatter buzzed around us, and I closed my eyes. Instantly I focused in on her voice and everything else quietened around me. She was describing how I felt, and how I shouldn't feel that way because of how amazing I am. She described my light, and I felt my light growing inside of me. I was crying, through her voice I remembered how strong I was, and that when I felt this small I was just forgetting how really big I am. I remembered that I wasn't alone and I could fight whatever fight was going on inside me as long as I reached out for help. I no longer felt scared, I felt protected and loved by my friends, and by myself.

After that, I regained my confidence and didn't feel nearly as paranoid. I was tripping a lot less. I talked to a few people about it and one of them said they were having a similar experience. Another friend said that it reminded him of the saying "Ecstasy; you don't know what it will do to you". This made me laugh, mostly because I saw that this statement was very, very true.

I had spent most of the night down in the smokers room, so I decided to go and dance. Some weird german techno was playing. It was divine.

Soon, it was my boyfriend's turn to play DJ. I danced, mostly alone for a while, and started to feel self-conscious again. Some guy grabbed my ass and it made it put my guard way up. I felt like a little girl. I could not relax. Then there was this other guy dancing, who I always see at this club. He is an ethnic dude, with a kind spirit and a friendly smile... and he dances differently to everyone else. He dances like he is free, like he is completely immersed in the music and forgets that anyone else is around him. I always notice this guy because he is so different. Other people notice he's different too, but respond really negatively. I tried to explain to someone that night that I love how he dances because he flows from his heart. They still just thought he was weird. I knew he was special.

He freaked me out a bit that morning because he was trying to make eye contact and dance with me. Normally I'd be okay with it but because I was in this weird headspace, it felt like he was putting attention on me and I didn't want attention. Anxiety levels were high. He told me that I am too shy. It was at that moment that I KNEW that this guy was meant to teach me something, he was meant to challenge me.

Later on, I ventured down to the smokers room again. The dancing guy was there. It was weird because I always saw him as that awesome dancing guy, and had never actually talked to him properly at all! Finally talking to him was like talking to someone I had known for my whole life... maybe even longer. We talked about why he dances, and how it frees him from every bad experience he has ever had. We talked about how he is judged for his dancing. We talked about how people are afraid of connecting with others and afraid of showing our true selves because we will be judged. We talked about how society conditions us to be scared of people who want to connect because we never see that behaviour on TV, and I realized that this guy made me scared because usually when a guy is this friendly he is making a pass. But I got it in that moment, dancing guy was NOT making a pass! This was NOT television, this was something REAL. He wanted to connect, one soul to another, one life form to another. He was sad that no one would dance and connect with him, but at the same time accepted it because he knew people didn't understand. But he wanted it for me, he wanted me to feel free because he saw how scared I was and how much it would benefit me to let go. 

So I did it. We walked back up to the music and stood in the middle of the dance floor. He got me to close my eyes and I stopped all the racing thoughts in my head, I ignored the fact that people may judge me, because it didn't matter. I just moved. I became energy fused with the music. I smiled and felt my heart opening. I opened my eyes and we kept dancing, having so much fun! And then, as if we were emitting some kind of powerful energy, people were coming up and giving us hugs and telling us how awesome we were! It was like magic, like people were feeling what we felt, sensing our souls and wanting to connect.

I know this all sounds really weird and like this guy may have been a sleaze, but honestly, it was the furthest thing from it. Dancing guy feels like an old soul, and with his aid I was able to let go of my fears -fears that were heightened by some weird ass drugs- and fucking move. Not dance; just move, and flow, and FEEL. Instead of closed I was open. Instead of small I was big. Instead of scared I had power. Instead of trapped I was free.

I could not have asked for a more perfect embodiment of 2013 in one night. New years mirrored my whole year; a journey and a struggle to regain my self-confidence and step into my own power.

During the past 12 months I made some of the most amazing accomplishments. I learnt to stand up for myself by removing toxic people from my life. I took ownership of my pot addiction and kicked it in the ass, and now I can go anywhere I want without fear of being left without it. I also kicked cigarettes. Not completely, but you could say I am no longer a "smoker". I survived 3 months without my boyfriend, kicking my dependency on him and learned to love my own company. I learnt to trust my intuition a whole lot more, and to be able to say no to people. I battled my anxiety to complete my undergraduate psychology degree. I was the happiest I have probably ever been since I was a little girl, even for a short period of time.

For 2014 I have a vision. I will expand my knowledge, wisdom, energy and ability and experience life as much as possible, rather than wait for it to pass. I will take risks if my heart wills me to, and I won't wait up on anyone else to help me do what I feel I need to do. I've had enough of superficial bullshit, I will remove as much of it as I can out of my life, even if it means feeling left out of things... I will push through it for the sake of a rewarding existence.

Here's to taking the plunge into the future.