Non-conformist guide to jealousy

I was thinking the other day about how easily I have kicked addictions in my past and very recently. In my (short) lifetime, I have kicked 4 addictions. Some substances, some actions/behaviours. Some physical and some mental addictions. Either way, as soon as I put my mind to it, I fucking aced it. I think it is because I have strong principles. As soon as I decide something is against my principles, I will abandon it.

Today, I realized that I still have an addiction to kill. This addiction is conformity.

For a while now, I have strongly considered myself a non-conformist. In fact one of my most highly-held principles is not letting others dictate what I do/say/wear etc. But a lot of the time I still do, because as a human being, and as an individual, I have high rejection-sensitivity and a need for approval from others.

For me, being non-conformist is a conscious decision. It is actually a lifestyle choice. But it's not just about deliberately being different just for the sake of it. Non-conformity is truly about not letting large-scale approval for something influence my actions. So if I like a band that everyone else likes, I am allowed to do so as long as I'm not just tricking myself into liking them because I will be included and accepted. And if I want to wear my crazy 60s patterned flare pants (which I will do so today at the risk of disapproval -which hurts sometimes!), I am allowed to do so as long as that is what will make my heart sing and my spirit soar.

This process is conscious, as I must always pinpoint the reasons behind any negative emotions and assess how to deal with the conflict between external pressures and my own values and beliefs. It is essentially fighting instinct, the survival instinct to fit in. This is a highly involved cognitive process which I am involved in every day, and it is not at all easy. The pressure of conformity is strong and relentless, and it is helped along by jealousy. Jealousy is the enemy of the non-conformist. It makes you look to others to decide what you want, instead of looking within. Jealousy is also a defense mechanism that makes it easy to regain self-confidence by putting another person down. It is disguised as pride, while it is really insecurity. As someone who considers themselves a good person, it is hard for me to admit that I do get jealous a lot. One thing I get jealous of (along with a lot of women) is other girls' bodies. To state the obvious, something that is highly valued in this increasingly online society is a fit body. Girls with these type of bodies like to put them on display, and obviously they never fall short of 'likes' and admiring comments. This high level of approval is what produces the jealousy, and pressures people to conform. 

I see jealousy as giving me 3 options:

1. You can change yourself to resemble the person that you're jealous of - therefore erasing the jealousy because you now will get the same approval (If you can't beat them, join them)
2. You can keep being jealous but pretend you're not because that person is a skank and you are way better than them for not putting your boobs all over the internet (If you can't be them, destroy them)
3. You can address the underlying insecurity, be confident in your own values and qualities, and let that person march to the beat of their own drum (Let go of needing approval)

I find it really hard to be jealous, as I know I can only ever take option 3 to be happy, as much as I want to take options 1 or 2. Both options 1 and 2 are big conformity traps in a jealousy battle. They both inflate a sense of pride because on either side of the battle, you're going to get approval. People love to swoon over chicks with hot bodies, and people love to put down chicks with hot bodies. Seemingly a win-win for the ego! Except you will still harbour the deep insecurity that you began with. That is why I go with option 3, or at least try to. Option 3 opens the doors for a wonderful relationship of self-love and will help you build compassion and acceptance of others. Option 3 leads to PEACE.

You might think option 1 would be an okay option because once I get a "hot body" (by someone else's standards), I'll stop hating on other chicks and stop criticizing myself... right? Well, not in my experience... My body is what it is and trying to change that was a hard battle that led to an even deeper self-hatred than I began with. Why? Because I couldn't be what I thought society wanted me to be, no matter how hard I tried. If I am reliant on others to approve of me in order to love myself, I will never love myself, because people will always hate me for something. However, if I cultivate love for myself from within, no matter what others are telling me to look like, then my self-confidence will be sustainable. I choose to love myself, but I cannot choose whether other people do. Self-love and self-awareness are the keys to non-conformity.

This is why I choose to be a non-conformist. It may be hard and I may have to dig up and battle against deep-seated insecurities. I may have to think a lot, and have debates with myself in my head. I may not have anyone to tell me that I'm right, to ease my doubts. It may seem that everyone is against me, and I may feel lonely and unsupported in my decisions. But in the words of Chris from Parks and Recreation, "I'm not lonely, I have myself". And as long as I work on becoming my own best friend, no large-scale influence should ever be able to tell me what I need or want.

Even jealousy comes with a blessing, as it can help me recognize how I can become my own best friend.

I'm going to start with the body love :)