Another blog about Drugs

Here I am again, coming down off another drug. It's called Dexamphetamine, and it was prescribed to me for ADHD.

Wow, it's so weird to be back here again on this blog. I honestly thought I'd left it in the dust. But I should've known I'd always have more to say. More to disobey about. My passion hasn't waned - I've just been... busy. Figuring myself out. 

But I'm so glad to be back.

The old me had such an obsession with being drug-free, and it turns out I haven't changed. My initial resistance to being on medication is back with a vengeance, enough to urge me to put up with awful withdrawal symptoms on my only uni holiday break this term.

I've spent my time resting, and nourishing my body. I made a little cave - a coping mechanism that I HIGHLY recommend - to retreat to (and my psychologist is also a keen supporter of the cave, just so you know).

How did I get here? Its a long story, and I'm not sure my mind is coherent enough to express it. I sure do love an adventure, but I'm afraid I'm getting weary of the more difficult ones in my older age (I'm 31 lol). My mind isn't working well and I've been fatigued to the point of disability, and I believe it is a result of these prescribed Amphetamines.

It's silly to think I could've lasted on them. When reading through this blog by chance today - I have ALWAYS had a thing about being in my natural state, medication free.

Although I am back on my antidepressants, which may be a story for another day. But I will say that I realised by depression was indeed circumstantial - a response to a deeply flawed environment. However that environment is capitalist society, and it won't be changing anytime soon. So the meds help take the edge off, and help me to keep surviving. I don't think there's any shame in that. 

And I don't think there's any shame in being on amphetamines either, for the record.  They're just not for me. They never have been - I've always preferred the more euphoric kind ;). Though I do think it's sad that it's come to the point that our population's most creative thinkers are so disabled by this boring, paperwork and productivity driven work environment that continues to infect and invade our psyches, that they need to take amphetamines to cope with it.

Trying to do routine tasks without amphetamines is like banging my head against a brick wall. I have chronic headaches because of it, chonic frustration from bending backwards into boredom. But there's no chance in hell will I ever force myself to put up with it again, not to earn a paycheck, not for nothing. I rest when I need to, and the world can wait for me.

That's how I feel right now anyway, in the euphoria of discovering myself again post-dexies. I've always loved the new and novel.

It'll likely wear off again, just as the rose coloured glasses of my little dopamine deliverers did, and I'll take them again to help ease that pain. The boredom, the frustration, of squeezing myself into a box that I was never made to fit in.

I think it's only natural to want to ease the pain. That is why I don't judge anyone that takes any kind of med. We do what we need to survive in this world. 

But for me, it's only natural to question why, why am I forcing myself to comply with it all in the first place, when I can simply just... disobey.

Disobey

 

Okay, so I see graphics like this all the time. But this morning this one caught my eye. 

It caught my eye because like many of the messages I see being spewed out to our generation, it tells us that we have a problem. Our problem? Obedience. The solution? Disobedience.

But my problem is that in my opinion, I think people equate disobedience to Anarchy, and widespread resistance against the government and legislation. But there are other subtle ways you can disobey and truly break free.

WHAT DOES IT REALLY MEAN TO DISOBEY?

 To disobey means to cast out constraints. Time limits? Deadlines? No need for these!
Everything that society considers important runs on time. We need to get to our jobs on time, we need to pay our bills on time, TV shows are on at a certain time, and we only have a certain time limit on our holidays... Time must be used productively, they say, as time is limited.
But time limits us! It limits us to a certain amount of day that we can do things that we want to do, as it keeps us thinking about the next "important" thing that we have to do.
Be free of limits! Have days where you chuck out your clock and enjoy what you're doing without watching out for when it will end!


To disobey means to do what people told you you would never be able to do. What's that? Impossible? Unacceptable? Count me in!
Society limits us by telling us we can only do certain things in our lives. We must live life a certain way - get a certain kind of job, have a house and a family. Where do your dreams fit into your life plan?
You will be told that some things are impossible and you will almost certainly fail. Don't be limited - face failure and achieve your dreams!

 To disobey means to push past your pride and your fear. Society's norms tell us to fear others, fear failure and fear embarrassment. My fear keeps me from doing so many little things that would enrich my life and help me connect to others and myself. But fear is NOTHING! True fear may keep us safe but most fear -that comes from obeying norms- only keeps us trapped.

Want to help out that stranger? What are you afraid of?
Want to learn something new? What are you afraid of?
Want to speak about something you're passionate about? What are you afraid of?
Want to dance in the street? What are you afraid of?
Want to tell your parents you love them? What are you afraid of?

The reward may be a lot greater than staying safe and wondering what could have been!
Disobey your fear -and society's fear - take risks and break out of your internal prison to live an extraordinary life.

 To disobey means to be yourself even in the face of criticism. Society teaches us that we need others to like us! We must fit in in order to be liked - this lesson is widely apparent on social media. But how can you ever be someone other than yourself?
Disobey the norm -be who you are, and love yourself for it! You don't need anyone else's approval, but when you start to show your true colours, you will attract those who appreciate them the most.


To me, to disobey truly means to thrive WITHIN an environment that is meant to suppress you and squish you into little boxes. You don't need to live without society, although you certainly can go and live a different life if you wish! But sometimes there are things that keep us here. My family and my career path will keep me living within the rat race of the western world, at least for a while. I may have to obey certain rules, like paying bills and taxes, but that doesn't mean I have to abide by all of them!

ABOVE ALL - Follow your heart and it will lead you to the places that will make your life amazing, even if society tells you different!

<3

The Divine Feminine

I didn't go to Yemaya Festival this weekend to reconnect with my feminine side, I went to a bush doof, as usual, to dance. But the universe had other plans for me.

Adorned with feminine colours, designs, shapes and symbols, Yemaya was representative of the mother goddess of the ocean, the divine feminine. I like to look at the divine feminine at its core aspect - Yin.

Yin is feminine, water, earth, soft, night, dark, shadow, passive, receiving, yielding, gentle, slow, consuming, cold.

In contrast, I am a rather yang person. I am very upbeat, extroverted, bright, bubbly and energetic. I like to control, and I am stubborn and unmoving, unlike the soft, accepting and allowing qualities of the feminine.

But this weekend at Yemaya has changed how I use feminine energy in my life, and it all happened in an extraordinary didgeridoo healing session.

At 7pm on the Saturday night, our group was pretty high and we were in the process of figuring out what we all wanted to do (A mighty task while on LSD). I tried to dance at my usual favourite place at a bush doof, the main stage, with high energy psychedelic trance booming from the speakers. But after a few minutes by myself, I wanted to go back to my friends. 

My best friend declared that she would be attending a didge healing session at 8pm. I'd never participated in the healing spaces at a bush doof before, and was keen to try it out.

We entered the space a bit early to settle in before the healing. It was a large dome-like space, with pink silk sheets drooped from the middle of a ceiling, where a crystal chandelier hung like the crown jewel. I had seen a vagina sculpture in crystal healing space a bit earlier, and noted again the vagina-reminiscent decor.

To tell you the truth, this vagina stuff was quite confronting for me, even as a female (I wonder how my male friends took all of this in). It wasn't until later that I realized that our culture shames female genitalia, and this is why it was so confronting to see a vagina sculpture blatantly staring me in the face.

Despite this, the warm pink sheets and the mood-lit space were highly inviting. There were people snuggled amongst blankets and pillow, with my friend smack bang in the middle. Feeling like a deer caught in headlights, thanks to the overemphasizing effects of lysergic acid, I went straight over and sat with her.

There was a kind of open-mic thing going on, and a young dreadlocked woman named Megan came to sit up at the mic to share her poetry. I immediately thought that this was an amazingly brave thing to do, to open yourself up to a bunch of strangers and trust they would pay you respect. (And that they did, which is a wonderful thing about bush doofs.) Megan, with a strong spoken word and conviction, proceeded to read us multiple poems that are all beautifully blended in my memory, exposing her life with themes of womanhood, children, love, heartbreak, and the body. One that touched me in particular was about fat on the body. I have always hated my stomach fat, wishing it wasn't there, and at the end of the poem she encouraged us, with her soft, kind voice, to touch that problem part of our bodies, and tell it we love it. Light giggles echoed as the room filled with love for our bodies. And when I gently held my stomach and told it I loved it, unlike the other times I have tried, this time I actually meant it.

Megan had set the scene for the healing with her poetry, uniting the room with laughter and love. There was a sense of solidarity within the space as the didgeridoo healing man began to set up. We lay down with our heads on pillows, and a beautiful stranger covered my friend and I with a blanket. The healing ceremony started with a light drumming beat to ground the energies. And as I closed my eyes, the the man said "Let yourself fall into the earth"...

My breath flowing out let me fall deeper and deeper. I was restless at first, trying to relax to the abrasive sounds of the healing didge, which were unlike the more melodic sounds we usually hear from Aboriginal educators who come to schools and cultural centres. I kept opening my eyes to make sure I was still in the room, and my friends were still there. My closed eye visuals were confusing and full of colour. But after a while, I was deep within myself. Deeper than I had ever been before. My breathing was so slow, and with every breath, I felt my body let go of tension. And after the bodily tension was gone, my breathing was penetrating my very inner layer. My whole being was opened by my breath, my inner self expanding and expanding. I was seeing and feeling places so deep within my self that I was sure would take YEARS to access without the help of the LSD (which I like to think of as a spiritual lubricant). My breath finally reached a tiny red tent like structure right at the middle of my being. I was sure this was me, hiding away in there. By now, I had forgotten I was even on LSD, or that I was at yemaya festival, or that there was time. I was now in the deepest meditative state I had ever experienced.

It was about now that the didgeridoo sounds "clicked" into my body. I had started letting go of control and trusting, and my deep breathing had allowed the sound to enter my being and start healing me. But to heal, you first need to get the dirt out. I started seeing all this dark stuff being scraped out of the particles that I consisted of. I was far more than a 3-dimensional matrix, a vast rainbow pixellated like structure that was woven into the space around me and beyond. The didge sounds were like rakes on my being. It kept raking and raking the soul crap into a pile, until a climax was reached and the sounds gently brought us back down, releasing it all, and bringing us back for another round. I surrendered to the sounds which were now making my body arch and twitch, and my breathing got faster as the energy rushed through me and whirlpooled out, taking all the stagnant stuff with it. My gut even churned as if the didge was cleaning out my physical body! I had never experienced healing like this before. When doing more gentle, subtle healing in my old psychic development class, we were told that stuff would come up for us as it was released, but this was like everything was released through me at once. It was super intensive, and there was no denying that it was real.

All of this was uncomfortable at first, I had never experienced anything like this before, nor trusted anything to come so far into my being. I hadn't even seen this much of me before! My body is so much more than anything I could have ever dreamed of. On the very inside, it is as big as the sky, and all of this is contained deep deep deep inside the very center of me. But I never looked! We're always too scared to look, afraid of who we are and afraid of what we might discover. But by letting go and relaxing everything, I was able to peek in, and eventually, let the healing right into me at a deep soul level. I could feel the transformation happening. The didgeridoo reached right into my soul and pulled out chunks of darkness like they were thorns embedded deep into the skin. Now that I had gotten used to it, and I could literally see how beneficial this was for me, I could have stayed there for hours. But eventually I had to get up.

I got up way too fast, like when your alarm wrenches you out of a super deep sleep. I pulled myself out of the deepest parts of me, stood up, literally stumbled out of the healing space, disoriented, and was gasping from the intensity of the healing. It took me a while to be able to think clearly again but the most amazing thing I was feeling that I was VERY grounded. I was right into my body, I could feel every part of it and could feel my feet on the ground. This is a huge deal for me, as a double Aquarius who spends most of her time in her head and the sky. I was stomping my feet on the ground like it was the best feeling ever! And it was - I have NEVER felt to connected to my body, and the earth beneath it. Just, wow.

I was pretty spent and we all wanted to chill away from the intense energies of the party, so we all went back to our campsite. To my surprise, it was only 10pm. My estimate at this point was 3am or 4am. Long story short, I stayed up all night chatting with my dearest friends. I had a sleep, and in the morning, as I walked into the bush, the sun greeted me. I felt it all over my skin, bathing me in warmth. I walked, feeling all the movement in my legs and feeling the solid earth beneath my boots. I took my sweet time, gently stretching in the morning sunlight. So much peace filled me in all the places I had discovered the night before, in all the places that darkness had been removed from. I felt bigger, expansive, and deeply relaxed.

Later that day, I tried to sleep again. It didn't work, so I spent a good couple of hours just lying on my back in my tent, breathing deeply and stretching. I took my time that I never had before, and I stretched my body like I never had before, feeling every stretch as deep as it went, and observing how my body thanked me for it, for taking my time.

That's what I learnt at Yemaya. To take my time, like Yin, like the feminine, which is slow, and gentle, and soft. I learnt how to fully embrace myself, like a loving mother; embracing my body, my whole being, and embracing the chance to heal.
I learnt to yield, to be vulnerable, to let go, accept and receive. Like the vagina yields to the male, yield to the present moment; accept it, embrace it. Let yourself breathe, let yourself relax, and slow down.
Breathing IS acceptance! The deeper the breath, the deeper the acceptance. Slow down, breathe, and accept every part of yourself. Accepting is connecting... Slow down, breathe, and connect to your body and to the Earth. Allow yourself to feel, and be vulnerable, even though it is scary... Allow yourself to receive love and healing with grace, even though it is scary... Allow yourself to let go of control, even though it is scary!

When you let go, when you become soft, when you embrace all that is Yin, the feminine, you literally open yourself up to possibilities, knowledge, love and peace.

You open yourself up to YOU.

Sin and forgiveness

If you take the offical version of God to be true, then when you confess, you are confessing to a loving deity who will immediately release you and fill you with forgiveness. If you take God as I described it in my last post, then when you confess, you are admitting to the core of your being that you did something wrong. This is how I confess. I feel the guilt heavy in my gut, and I say to myself with no words, "alright, I did the wrong thing.. what now?"

The difficult thing about my type of confession is that it takes work to be forgiven. First you have to truly recognize and feel what you have done. Then you have to find the strength and love to let go of that feeling. You don't just say sorry and then your remorse is magically scooped up by the light and taken away. You have to fight your way past the ego, and the ego does not forgive. It wants you to suffer so you remember the pain you have caused yourself and others. This may be a protection mechanism, but it only holds you back from liberating yourself. Once you access the God self, the part of you that is everything, the part of you that loves you and knows you are worth unconditional love, you can forgive yourself and you can can finally let go of the past. You are freed from the pain by forgiveness, but you'll never forget that lesson. The day you can remember the lesson and not feel the shame and misery is the day you have truly forgiven yourself.

The thing about this is, how would psychopaths confess, if they don't feel deeply for what they have done? If they can't confess, they can't be forgiven. In my opinion, psychopaths, who have different brain structures in the areas of emotion and empathy, are the furthest removed people from their true selves. They are so far removed that they cannot even recognize when they have hurt another being, a being who in truth has always been part of them. They are so far removed that they would not ever be able to find a true and lasting love for themselves or anyone else. I wonder how a spiritual being could get so far away from themselves. I guess if you have had a parent with pain, or if your own life pain was so deep that it was unbearable to feel, then the ego would block out anything and everything to protect yourself. Even if it means blocking out your emotions, a release and expression of your energy. And the further they fall, the harder it is to feel again, and they become living demons; a human image of their dark, black hole energy. And you can see it in their eyes, the light has been extinguished.

I'm glad I'm not a psychopath, but I see why they exist. Feelings are hard to feel sometimes. Especially those of remorse and guilt. You can see why their ego protects them from it when you have felt it. I feel terribly guilty for a lot of things I have done, and somehow cannot find it within me to forgive myself for some of them. Maybe it is because I have not received forgiveness from the other person or being. I feel if they are still hurting then I cannot forgive myself. But being attached to their pain isn't doing me any favors. If anything it is probably binding them to their own pain at a deeper level. Still doesn't help, it is like my mind thinks I need to be punished.

Now that I think about it that is such a common mentality in western society... we want to see people suffer for what they have done. We see it as justice. We say "they deserve it". And the reason we can't forgive ourselves is because we treat ourselves the same as we treat others. Deep down we think we need to suffer for the pain we have caused others, rather than being loved and forgiven. Maybe the reason I beat myself up so much is because that's what I've been taught is right.

That is actually pretty messed up.
I guess that's why Buddhism focuses so much on compassion; compassion and forgiveness for others will help us liberate ourselves from our own guilt.

I think it's time to exercise that long lost spiritual muscle, and learn to forgive myself.

Word vomit of illusion and love

I have been doing some thinking over the past week, after a bit of a stint in struggle street, and today the spark has come back in a big way.

Something terrible and unexpected happened to someone close to me, and it snapped me straight out of the illusion I'd gotten stuck in. That illusion is the material world. Yes it's here, and we have to live in it and survive in it, but its not the very essence of our being.

The fact that we are in this amazing universe for a fleeting amount of time makes us insignificant in the scheme of things, and that insignificance brings with it great freedom. We all live in a world where no one can tell us what to do or give us instructions on how to live life. We just somehow evolved here and no one can ever tell us why. So why do we let anyone else on earth control what we do? They don't know any better than we do how life should be. When eventually our whole earth ceases to exist no one is going to remember us. So why do we strive to make such an impression? Who do we do it for? Ourselves? Why do we feel we need to impress ourselves? Is it because we are our own inner judge? The only judge, the only 'god', that rules your life is you. Your intuition is that god part of you speaking to you in a language which isn't tangible and therefore not valued or not deemed 'real' by a materialist culture. In this culture (Alan Watts describes culture as an operating system- a great analogy), we use the 5 senses, mostly the eyes, to determine what is real. A physical, tangible reality. How do you define feeling in those terms? We can describe what feeling is like but there's no way to show another person exactly what you're feeling because it comes from within, not from an external source. So Materialist cultures value those external, easy to see and easy to believe things over internal things. They base our reality on the material realm, thinking that because its real, it must be the source of happiness. And of course god must be some tangible entity external and separate to your own self.

We have so many problems trusting that god self within because our cultures have us so focused on the external that we don't even think that inner self is real, in a sense. I know if I had a physical entity in front of me telling me 'yeah you can do it!' I would be way more inclined to believe it than the invisible inner self that I sometimes forget is even there because I can't see it, I can only feel it in a way that I can't be taught about. You're sposed to get to know it and trust it from the beginning but culture distracts us and we begin to distrust it because it has become unknown, a stranger. A lonely wail at the bottom of your being crying out for you to listen and be friends with it.

Your inner self, is kind to you. Be kind to your self and it can blossom like a friendship. It will be the kindest and most honest friend you can get, and you will find that you will never be alone. You will learn to love your self.

So right now I am hearing loud and clear instructions to go out and make a difference in the world. To unplug myself from this material world and open up to the reality that we are free and nothing lasts forever. There's no need to feel so attached to the physical world, because the end of you is the end of the illusion. There is no need to fear. We are all scared and that is more reason for us to connect with each other. We are so scared of people, but taking chances and risks with people can lead to some beautiful and magical life moments which would never be possible if we didn't trust that foreign stranger who offered to fix our bag at the airport, if we didn't take a chance to do something nice for someone that you don't even know, or if we didn't talk to each other about our feelings. But that part of us is ignored, and we are too scared to connect with others, we were never taught how. Its because no one knows!! Except for ourselves...we already know how to connect. Trust that inner want, the want that seems to terrifying to do but the most rewarding! And helps other people access that deep forgotten part of themselves too. Two awoken souls recognise each other immediately, its that feeling described as 'connection', which is really a re-connection. True reality is that we are all one and even though we are physically separated by our bodies, our soul connection is stitched together like a patchwork blanket in an invisible realm layered right over our environment. Don't ignore that fundamental part of reality. You can't ignore the physical part too, but don't take it so seriously, because it will not be the thing that brings you true happiness.

That's it for Stoned Saturdays.
I'm the rainbow lady, signing out for a good nights sleep.

Peace and love
<3

The body hate epidemic

Today I'd like to tall about something that really pisses me off. The normalisation of body hatred.

So many words are thrown around about how to have a 'better body', 'dream body', 'goal weight', 'flat stomach', 'thigh gap', 'toned abs', 'willpower', 'tight ass' ... I could go on forever. You know what all these things have in common?

1. They point to a certain body type (one that a minority of people have naturally)
2. They imply a need to obtain it
3. They say you can obtain it with certain products or regimes

Also... They are so widespread, that you would think that wanting these things is NORMAL!!

I'm here to tell you this is NOT normal. These diet fads, your low fat pre-packaged meals, your skinny teas, your boot camps, your 30-day challenges, your flab shaping underwear... All of these products are not designed to make you feel better about yourself or create a 'better you'! They're designed for the exact opposite.

Companies make money through a supply and demand system. Weight loss companies need to sell their products, as do makeup and clothing companies. So what can these companies do to increase their sales? Increase demand. And how do you increase demand? You make people feel like shit about themselves by creating an ideal that is so unachievable that rarely anyone will never get it, so everyone constantly comes to your product like its the holy grail and the one thing that will solve all their problems. This self hatred is created in a web of magazines, newspapers and celebrity culture, who profit from the advertisement of these products. NONE of these companies want you to feel good about yourself.

After all, why would anyone want to buy these things if they felt really good about themselves? They'd be happy with what they have already.

These products and phrases masquerade as a normal part of life but what they are really doing is propagating a dangerous eating-disorder mentality. You think you don't have some kind of eating/body dysmorphic disorder? Think again. If you are hopping from one of these products to the next, there is a high chance that you have fallen into a trap. If you think your problem is just that you don't have enough willpower, think again. You can use your existing willpower to get out of the hatred cycle, rather than thinking its something you're deficient in and need more of so you can beat your body into submission.

So how do you get out of it? Develop your mind to think in this broader perspective.

You have been given this one body for your whole life. The atoms in your body were created in the heart of a dying star millions of years ago. The first life form on earth came from within the earth itself, from a rock. There are an infinite amount of possibilities of things that could have gone wrong in evolution, and in the womb. And yet here we are, many years later, miraculously, with one life to live, in a fraction of time that will go unnoticed to the rest of the infinite universe.

So why are you hating on yourself? Your body is a gift from the earth, and you only have one lifetime to use it. Would you rather waste those years punishing this creation that you have been blessed with, or would you rather love, nurture and care for it in all its natural perfection, so it can work its best for you to help you walk, eat, sleep and live your life?

We only have one body and one chance. Don't waste it.

Highs and lows

So I had my first "bad" week this week. I decided to try and take pills for the first time since I went off my antidepressants. The partying was amazing and full of love but I have been paying for it all this week with a big trip right into a depression pit.

Of course it has been a terrible week full of crushing darkness but today I can finally see the light again. It has been a hell of a learning experience too. I think the most important thing I learnt was no matter what activities I'm doing, I need to remember to keep up everything else that is important in my lifestyle - mainly eating healthy and nourishing foods, and keeping my surroundings clutter free. It's one thing to mess with your brain chemistry, but it's entirely another to mess with your brain chemistry and throw all other coping mechanisms out the window. I am convinced my diet has played a huge part in how happy I've been recently... especially considering that I developed anxiety and depression around the time that I started skipping meals.

Of course the drugs played the main role in this scenario, throwing me off balance and unable to go home, hence the shitty diet. So I'm not so sure that I will be choosing to participate in such activities for a while. And when (inevitably) I decide to do so again, I will be mapping out a safety net and bringing a whole fridge of food with me to wherever it is I'll be.

So I've had an interesting insight about serotonin the past couple of weeks as well. I have noticed that I have become extremely sensitive in my emotions since my antidepressants have well and truly exited my system. Not just negative emotions, positive ones too. I feel more connected and emotionally responsive to cues. For example, when I see someone do something nice or someone gives me a compliment, I feel a pang of emotion. It's easy to shake off but it's like something has hit me right in the heart. I don't remember having this kind of thing ever in my life except for the brief euphoria period after I quit everyday pot smoking. Removing the smokescreen of pot is extremely similar to removing the bubble of antidepressants. I am a bare me. Life has gotten a lot more raw and real. It has been truly amazing.

So anyway, back to the serotonin, psychologists don't really know exactly how it works in the brain and in relation to mental illness... Antidepressants were discovered by accident- and because they elevated mood levels, the theory of mental illness became that it was caused by an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Mainly serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. The most popular antidepressants target serotonin. Recently, I have come to disagree with this theory. It's my opinion that my own natural serotonin levels don't make me depressed, they make me more sensitive, and therefore more prone to depression. But also more prone to periods of intense gratitude and positive emotion. Higher levels of serotonin did NOT make me more "happy", they made me less emotional. Less creative. Less connected.

Serotonin is a complex thing. LSD affects serotonin and norepinephrine levels just like antidepressants, yet scientists are not sure why it affects our perception the way it does (it does not make me feel like I'm on antidepressants, that's for sure!) MDMA also affects serotonin but it again, affects moods differently to antidepressants. Antidepressants certainly didn't make me feel warm and fuzzy and creative! These drugs actually make me feel extremely connected and sensitive, the opposite of what higher serotonin levels have done to me when induced by antidepressants.... So serotonin is a bit crazy and we may never find out exactly what it does. But in the context of natural levels, I don't think that low levels necessarily mean someone is going to be depressed, and that high levels mean that someone is going to be happier. I do think though, that extreme levels outside the middle zone, such as the extreme low I had this week and the mania that I had when my antidepressant dose was too high, can make us very out of touch with our reality. As with everything, balance is the key.


So excuse me as I go and cry over an article about strangers doing nice things for each other... This feeling is why I will never go on antidepressants again even if it gets worse than this week did... and it most likely will at some point.


Peace

Progress

Before I start my next blog post, I feel that I should address the fact that my two last blog posts severely contradicted each other. All I can say about this is that it shows that even though I think I am fairly insightful, I still find it hard to distinguish between head and heart, and hard to recognise what I really need for myself. It also shows how you can find reasons for any point of view if you try hard enough!! Holding two opposing points of view is really tough and that's something I'm struggling with in my journey, as I am both spiritual and learning psychology. There are a lot of contradictions between my beliefs as a result of the influence of these domains in my life, but when I follow my heart and gut instinct rather than strictly follow the books, that's where the magic happens, and that's where I can learn new things and make an influence on the psychology field in my own way.

Anyway, so onward and forward. I am going really well off my anti-depressants. I have had two incidents in the past two weeks where my thoughts have overwhelmed me. One was at work, I was still training and someone called in sick so I had to man reception by myself. I tried to juggle many customers and phone calls at once while trying to find answers to questions I didn't know. I gave a old disabled man the wrong directions and he was very grumpy. Then my coworker got annoyed at me for doing something wrong and I just went in the back and cried. After that my coworker gave me a big talk on how I should say 'no' to people and do what feels right for me, so that was nice... so I learnt a lot that day, I learnt how to recognise when I'm getting stressed, to take time out to have a breathe even if it's really busy, and that I don't need to answer everything, it's fine to say 'I don't know!'

After this, nothing negative came up for a while, but I prepared myself because I knew that life was always going to bring a challenge. Then the other incident was just this week; I was tired after a couple of days of demanding work and my thoughts started to overwhelm me a bit. I got caught up in the storm of worry and started feeling depressed and frustrated at my closest friends. I knew it was irrational at the time but I'm sure most of you would know how hard it is to get yourself on the outside of a thought storm once you're stuck right in the middle! Anyway, I texted my friends and promptly dropped my phone in the toilet, so I never got my answer. This issue came up again the next morning while I was working for my mum, and I was on the verge of tears for a good hour and a half worrying about what I had imagined in my head about my friends. I got to the point where I was like - okay, what can I do about this. Then my brain started telling me that I was too upset, I should tell my mum and go home. I noticed that thinking this repeatedly was making me even more upset!! So I struggled for a bit until I found my way out - I told myself that my mind was telling me the 'I can't do it story' and that they were just words - words can't hurt me, and they certainly aren't always true. Once I got my head around that, I focused on why I was there that day, I was there to help my mum and my other coworkers out because they were short of staff. By changing my view of my thoughts and also feeling that this wasn't about me, it was about my care for my mum, the storm in my head quickly quietened. I had no thoughts on this for the rest of the day, and got on with my work as I usually would.

The thing that helped me the most with this situation was a book called "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris. It's based on a psychological therapy called ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), and it was worked for me soooo much better than CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I got given this book back in highschool as a reward for good marks. And this week it has saved my ass! I highly recommend this book. It's easy to understand and makes sense for everyday life. It make take a tad longer to be able to implement the skills if you haven't been learning mindfulness like I have for a while, but it is well worth the read. On that note, studying buddhist teachings is also an amazing resource. An app called "Radio Dharma" is a great resource if you can sit still and listen for an hour. I usually listen to it in the car!

So other than that everything has been quite smooth. I have continued with all my activities including yoga, kung fu and new meditation classes, have not missed a day of work and still haven't had a coffee in a month, and not even a puff of a cigarette for even longer. (As these substances raise the heart rate and in turn, increase anxiety). This is such a difference from how I handled my depression and anxiety years ago when I would have just stayed in bed and quit things at the first negative thought. Even though I let it overwhelm me a bit I have managed to maintain my base positive attitude and enjoy most of the day, every day! Boo-yah!!

I haven't yet met up with my psychologist, but I'm so excited to tell her how I'm going and what skills have been helping :)

Thanks for reading, if you have any questions please shoot me a comment or a facebook message (if you know who I am!)


Peace

Four days

 **WARNING- may be triggering: contains ED themes**

A few years ago around the same time of year, a girl sat in her lounge room with her laptop open. Supposedly, she was doing homework, at least that's what her parents thought. She wanted to do it, but she couldn't focus. Hundreds of thoughts were distracting her, plaguing her mind. They never stopped, she was at their mercy. They always told her where to direct her time and energy, and today wasn't any different. She was to surf the web for 'thinspiration', determined that it would inspire her not to eat. She was to chat to other people in an online forum, to gain tips, tricks and insights into how to be that perfect person she had wanted to be for a few years now. Her parents were about to leave the house. This conjured up a few feelings, the main two being relief and anxiety. Relief came at the thought that she would no longer have to pretend to be so well together; for at least a few hours, she could indulge in her fantasies in peace and without fear of being discovered. Anxiety came stronger, as she knew this is where she could lose control. With no one around, she couldn't trust herself not to let loose on all the forbidden, delicious foods in the house. 

So close to the kitchen. 
Her heart raced. Time stopped. No longer fully focused on her pictures of girls full of bones, her eyes darted towards the fridge. She knew what was in there, she looked in there obsessively whenever she had the chance. "Just one piece of cake, and then no more eating for the rest of the day."
"It'll be worth it."
Anything to make the panic feeling go away.

Half an hour later, I'm on the floor, crying, wailing. What have I done? The world was ending. The cake was finished. I was devastated. I looked down, I saw a huge, wad of fat body below me.
The thoughts made me cry so hard I felt sick.
"You're worthless. Ugly. Stupid. Disgusting. Vile. Fat. Putrid. Fucking gross bitch."
"Get rid of it. QUICKLY!!!"
The voices never stopped until I did what they told me to do. 

****

A few years ago, my life was hell, and I was my own worst enemy. Everything was fine on the outside. I had a beautiful family who were well off, lived in a beautiful house, had a boyfriend who loved me... But I was the unhappiest I have ever been. That was the year that I decided I needed to go on antidepressants... and after 5 years, this is the week that I have started my journey without them, for good.

I have been thinking about this for a while, and I tried it a few times without really thinking of the ramifications. Needless to say, it didn't work, and I went straight back on them. None of the eating and body image problems had been present for a long time, but the depression and anxiety lingered around me like a black fog. But this time I am prepared to face my dark side, and I am prepared for any negative feelings that may come my way. For so long I have been scared of myself, scared of the thoughts I might have when I'm alone. But in the past couple of years I have learnt to love myself and cut myself a bit more slack. I'm far from perfecting this self-love, but I am so far from how I used to be. I feel like I am a different person now.

My main concern about going off my medication is that the person I have become is not the real me... What if I become a different person... what if people notice? What if I'm not as positive? What if my sense of humor is different? What if I'm not as outgoing?.... But then I do remember a time about 8 years ago, before I got sucked into my own darkness, when I was a happy-go-lucky, slightly naiive, fun-loving crazy chick. The world was my oyster. And then life happened.

Well now it's time for me to reclaim my life. I started tapering off my meds 4 days ago and although there's not a dramatic difference, I'm feeling more... alive. I'm feeling more me. I feel like a veil is slowly lifting and that more things are reaching me. I'm thinking more, but thinking and feeling slightly more deeply. I have had a tiny bit of anxiety, probably because I'm anticipating it, but I am slowly realizing that I don't need to let feelings affect me and control my life. I need to accept them and let them be, stop struggling to make them go away so I can get on with the important things in my life. I need to make peace with all of me, not just the pretty parts, but the ugly as well.

So I bid adieu to Lovan, or Prozac as it's called in America. It actually really helped me, at a time when I felt I was out of my own control. Under it's thought-numbing effects, I was able to regain a sense of control with my eating patterns, I was able to complete year 12 with a pretty high ENTER score, I was able to gain some peace in my life without being overwhelmed with vicious circles of thoughts and feelings interrupting my everyday experience. I was able to step out of my head and into the world. So it did help me, but I'm no longer that girl who hated herself and everything around her. I'm now someone who experiences the absolute love that binds this universe together, and who appreciates life for what it is. So it's time to let go of the security blanket and plunge into the unknown.

I still have a long way to go, so, here's to more growing.
I still have another week before I'm completely med-free, so watch this space, I'm going well so far, and I'm excited to see what changes and challenges it may bring :)

Accepting happiness

Hello all, it's been a while. With a mind like a leap frog, it's hard to stay on topic long enough to write a blog post. But I feel I should get back to writing because I have learnt a lot in the past couple of months that could be useful to anyone who reads this.

In the last week, I realized that I need to learn to cope with feelings of happiness. Sounds strange, as happiness is obviously the greatest, so why would anyone run from it? It's complicated for me. I am still coming to terms with being on anti-depressants, after about 5 years of taking them. My mum thinks that drugs bring "artificial happiness", and that is my subconscious view of my "happy pills". I think, for me, the term "happy pills" brings with it a judgement that my happiness comes purely from the pills.

I have gone off them a few times (without professional permission- never do this) due to reaching a nice happy plateau, and feeling like I didn't need them anymore. I was about to do the same this week, when I received some advice from a friend who is studying mental health, drugs and alcohol. This advice brought me down to earth from my illusion cloud.

Since I have gotten really into Buddhism lately, I thought that my stability of happiness meant I was ready to use my coping mechanisms on a lower dose. Subtle feelings of irritability and instability started to creep through, and I told my friend about it, and she advised me that my prescription is meant to level out a real, solid, chemical deficiency in my brain (something my psychologist thinks is the cause for my mental health issues), not to "make" me happy. She said that my pills bring me to a level playing field, that of someone with a healthy amount of neurochemicals... which is true. But at first, like always, I thought, no, I should be able to live without taking these pills every day. Something about being able to be happy "naturally" is appealing to me, it meant I will have attained it without help. But after a bit of internal reasoning, I realized that it is my ego that wants me to live without the pills. It's the ego that tells me that happiness isn't real if it comes from a pill, that I haven't earnt it, so I don't deserve it. But when I think about it rationally, qualified professionals put me on this stuff, and as a future psychologist, there is no way I would ever advise one of my clients to taper off their pills just because they finally feel normal and can enjoy life again, and there is no way that I would ever view them any less for taking them. So why do I treat myself more harshly than I would with anyone else?

With my high standards for myself, it is hard for me to accept that it is my own happiness that is coming through now. It's hard for me to accept that I am not on a mind-altering drug, that I need my medication for my mental health as much as a diabetic needs their insulin, or someone with cholesterol problems needs their statins. Because of the stigma of mental health, the dependence on medication makes me feel weak, that I am cheating my way to happiness, that my happiness is artificial. I feel that I haven't worked hard for my happiness, and I want to earn it rather than it come easy, so I can feel like I have accomplished something. This view prevents me from fully owning my positive feelings and taking responsibility for the good that has come of my life. But as my friend made me realize, I have worked hard for my happiness. I have gone through some of the shittest things and come out alive. I have kicked addictions, physical and mental; I have trained my brain to be more rational and tolerant with buddhist teachings; I have learnt to enjoy my own company in the absence of my boyfriend. I finished year 12 with high grades despite horrible anxiety, and I have a bachelor's degree in psychology, despite all the times I wanted to give up.

So I think that instead of challenging myself with tapering off my meds, I will challenge myself to do what I would advise anyone else to do: accept my happiness as it is, and to come to terms with the possibility that I may be on these meds for most or the rest of my life. Even in my happy state, that is a big load that I need to process. A huge part of my ego needs to be worked on in order to be proud of myself and feel that I deserve this happiness, and to maintain that feeling in the face of any internal conflict. And it's very important that I am able to come to terms with this, so that I can set a good example for my future clients who will very likely have the same concerns with anti-depressants.

I think this must be a common thing. Just like people find it hard to accept compliments, it is hard to accept that you are responsible for your own happiness and the good things that come out of your life. But really, if you accept help or advice on a project, does this negate any credit you should receive for your hard work? If you take pain meds to get through surgery, does it make you weak? If you use a walking stick to help you stand, does it make you lazy?

I've learnt that it's not about how many tools you use to help you. It's about how you use those tools - as a crutch, or to help you achieve autonomy. It's a very different thing to rely on something to do the work for you, than to use it to help you achieve something important. Taking anti-depressants doesn't make me weak, it means that I am brave enough to embrace happiness, and that I recognize that I am not a victim; that I have the power to change my life... I just have a little (but very real) handicap ;)

Much love and peace,

Katie.

Non-conformist guide to jealousy

I was thinking the other day about how easily I have kicked addictions in my past and very recently. In my (short) lifetime, I have kicked 4 addictions. Some substances, some actions/behaviours. Some physical and some mental addictions. Either way, as soon as I put my mind to it, I fucking aced it. I think it is because I have strong principles. As soon as I decide something is against my principles, I will abandon it.

Today, I realized that I still have an addiction to kill. This addiction is conformity.

For a while now, I have strongly considered myself a non-conformist. In fact one of my most highly-held principles is not letting others dictate what I do/say/wear etc. But a lot of the time I still do, because as a human being, and as an individual, I have high rejection-sensitivity and a need for approval from others.

For me, being non-conformist is a conscious decision. It is actually a lifestyle choice. But it's not just about deliberately being different just for the sake of it. Non-conformity is truly about not letting large-scale approval for something influence my actions. So if I like a band that everyone else likes, I am allowed to do so as long as I'm not just tricking myself into liking them because I will be included and accepted. And if I want to wear my crazy 60s patterned flare pants (which I will do so today at the risk of disapproval -which hurts sometimes!), I am allowed to do so as long as that is what will make my heart sing and my spirit soar.

This process is conscious, as I must always pinpoint the reasons behind any negative emotions and assess how to deal with the conflict between external pressures and my own values and beliefs. It is essentially fighting instinct, the survival instinct to fit in. This is a highly involved cognitive process which I am involved in every day, and it is not at all easy. The pressure of conformity is strong and relentless, and it is helped along by jealousy. Jealousy is the enemy of the non-conformist. It makes you look to others to decide what you want, instead of looking within. Jealousy is also a defense mechanism that makes it easy to regain self-confidence by putting another person down. It is disguised as pride, while it is really insecurity. As someone who considers themselves a good person, it is hard for me to admit that I do get jealous a lot. One thing I get jealous of (along with a lot of women) is other girls' bodies. To state the obvious, something that is highly valued in this increasingly online society is a fit body. Girls with these type of bodies like to put them on display, and obviously they never fall short of 'likes' and admiring comments. This high level of approval is what produces the jealousy, and pressures people to conform. 

I see jealousy as giving me 3 options:

1. You can change yourself to resemble the person that you're jealous of - therefore erasing the jealousy because you now will get the same approval (If you can't beat them, join them)
2. You can keep being jealous but pretend you're not because that person is a skank and you are way better than them for not putting your boobs all over the internet (If you can't be them, destroy them)
3. You can address the underlying insecurity, be confident in your own values and qualities, and let that person march to the beat of their own drum (Let go of needing approval)

I find it really hard to be jealous, as I know I can only ever take option 3 to be happy, as much as I want to take options 1 or 2. Both options 1 and 2 are big conformity traps in a jealousy battle. They both inflate a sense of pride because on either side of the battle, you're going to get approval. People love to swoon over chicks with hot bodies, and people love to put down chicks with hot bodies. Seemingly a win-win for the ego! Except you will still harbour the deep insecurity that you began with. That is why I go with option 3, or at least try to. Option 3 opens the doors for a wonderful relationship of self-love and will help you build compassion and acceptance of others. Option 3 leads to PEACE.

You might think option 1 would be an okay option because once I get a "hot body" (by someone else's standards), I'll stop hating on other chicks and stop criticizing myself... right? Well, not in my experience... My body is what it is and trying to change that was a hard battle that led to an even deeper self-hatred than I began with. Why? Because I couldn't be what I thought society wanted me to be, no matter how hard I tried. If I am reliant on others to approve of me in order to love myself, I will never love myself, because people will always hate me for something. However, if I cultivate love for myself from within, no matter what others are telling me to look like, then my self-confidence will be sustainable. I choose to love myself, but I cannot choose whether other people do. Self-love and self-awareness are the keys to non-conformity.

This is why I choose to be a non-conformist. It may be hard and I may have to dig up and battle against deep-seated insecurities. I may have to think a lot, and have debates with myself in my head. I may not have anyone to tell me that I'm right, to ease my doubts. It may seem that everyone is against me, and I may feel lonely and unsupported in my decisions. But in the words of Chris from Parks and Recreation, "I'm not lonely, I have myself". And as long as I work on becoming my own best friend, no large-scale influence should ever be able to tell me what I need or want.

Even jealousy comes with a blessing, as it can help me recognize how I can become my own best friend.

I'm going to start with the body love :)

New moon on the new year

So it's now 2014. Next year, a space shuttle will land on the surface of Pluto. As an Aquarian I tend to get ahead of myself and ahead of time. So let's take a step back to my beginning of this year.

I began the new year watching fireworks. This was the same as last new year except I was sober this time. It was beautiful. I thought to myself, one of the best things about this shitty society is fireworks.
Soon enough we got to our club of choice. This wasn't how I had planned my night, but I had chosen to help a friend out by taking her out with me and my boyfriend. Long story so I won't go on about it, but this is how I ended up in the city.

My friend and I took a pill when we got there. I usually don't trust pills, as they may have anything in them. I like pure MDMA. But my other friend had tried them, so I took his word that they were good. I believe all things happen for a reason, and that is why I was guided to take these things. When it hit, I threw up. I felt sick and sluggish. I didn't feel good. An hour passed, I threw up again. Everything was intense around me. It felt like I was tripping. What was wrong, were these pills too strong or were they something else? I couldn't talk and I just wanted to be alone. But in the middle of a club smokers room, this was not possible. I was scared and I wanted to cry. Eventually, I started thinking that I wanted to leave. I was not having fun.

2 hours in, and I had decided to leave. I was scared because everything seemed so weird and I didn't think I could handle the train. My friend was going to leave with me, but she said that before we left, she was going to take me through a meditation. She sat me down on the dirty concrete in the corner of the smokers room while the chatter buzzed around us, and I closed my eyes. Instantly I focused in on her voice and everything else quietened around me. She was describing how I felt, and how I shouldn't feel that way because of how amazing I am. She described my light, and I felt my light growing inside of me. I was crying, through her voice I remembered how strong I was, and that when I felt this small I was just forgetting how really big I am. I remembered that I wasn't alone and I could fight whatever fight was going on inside me as long as I reached out for help. I no longer felt scared, I felt protected and loved by my friends, and by myself.

After that, I regained my confidence and didn't feel nearly as paranoid. I was tripping a lot less. I talked to a few people about it and one of them said they were having a similar experience. Another friend said that it reminded him of the saying "Ecstasy; you don't know what it will do to you". This made me laugh, mostly because I saw that this statement was very, very true.

I had spent most of the night down in the smokers room, so I decided to go and dance. Some weird german techno was playing. It was divine.

Soon, it was my boyfriend's turn to play DJ. I danced, mostly alone for a while, and started to feel self-conscious again. Some guy grabbed my ass and it made it put my guard way up. I felt like a little girl. I could not relax. Then there was this other guy dancing, who I always see at this club. He is an ethnic dude, with a kind spirit and a friendly smile... and he dances differently to everyone else. He dances like he is free, like he is completely immersed in the music and forgets that anyone else is around him. I always notice this guy because he is so different. Other people notice he's different too, but respond really negatively. I tried to explain to someone that night that I love how he dances because he flows from his heart. They still just thought he was weird. I knew he was special.

He freaked me out a bit that morning because he was trying to make eye contact and dance with me. Normally I'd be okay with it but because I was in this weird headspace, it felt like he was putting attention on me and I didn't want attention. Anxiety levels were high. He told me that I am too shy. It was at that moment that I KNEW that this guy was meant to teach me something, he was meant to challenge me.

Later on, I ventured down to the smokers room again. The dancing guy was there. It was weird because I always saw him as that awesome dancing guy, and had never actually talked to him properly at all! Finally talking to him was like talking to someone I had known for my whole life... maybe even longer. We talked about why he dances, and how it frees him from every bad experience he has ever had. We talked about how he is judged for his dancing. We talked about how people are afraid of connecting with others and afraid of showing our true selves because we will be judged. We talked about how society conditions us to be scared of people who want to connect because we never see that behaviour on TV, and I realized that this guy made me scared because usually when a guy is this friendly he is making a pass. But I got it in that moment, dancing guy was NOT making a pass! This was NOT television, this was something REAL. He wanted to connect, one soul to another, one life form to another. He was sad that no one would dance and connect with him, but at the same time accepted it because he knew people didn't understand. But he wanted it for me, he wanted me to feel free because he saw how scared I was and how much it would benefit me to let go. 

So I did it. We walked back up to the music and stood in the middle of the dance floor. He got me to close my eyes and I stopped all the racing thoughts in my head, I ignored the fact that people may judge me, because it didn't matter. I just moved. I became energy fused with the music. I smiled and felt my heart opening. I opened my eyes and we kept dancing, having so much fun! And then, as if we were emitting some kind of powerful energy, people were coming up and giving us hugs and telling us how awesome we were! It was like magic, like people were feeling what we felt, sensing our souls and wanting to connect.

I know this all sounds really weird and like this guy may have been a sleaze, but honestly, it was the furthest thing from it. Dancing guy feels like an old soul, and with his aid I was able to let go of my fears -fears that were heightened by some weird ass drugs- and fucking move. Not dance; just move, and flow, and FEEL. Instead of closed I was open. Instead of small I was big. Instead of scared I had power. Instead of trapped I was free.

I could not have asked for a more perfect embodiment of 2013 in one night. New years mirrored my whole year; a journey and a struggle to regain my self-confidence and step into my own power.

During the past 12 months I made some of the most amazing accomplishments. I learnt to stand up for myself by removing toxic people from my life. I took ownership of my pot addiction and kicked it in the ass, and now I can go anywhere I want without fear of being left without it. I also kicked cigarettes. Not completely, but you could say I am no longer a "smoker". I survived 3 months without my boyfriend, kicking my dependency on him and learned to love my own company. I learnt to trust my intuition a whole lot more, and to be able to say no to people. I battled my anxiety to complete my undergraduate psychology degree. I was the happiest I have probably ever been since I was a little girl, even for a short period of time.

For 2014 I have a vision. I will expand my knowledge, wisdom, energy and ability and experience life as much as possible, rather than wait for it to pass. I will take risks if my heart wills me to, and I won't wait up on anyone else to help me do what I feel I need to do. I've had enough of superficial bullshit, I will remove as much of it as I can out of my life, even if it means feeling left out of things... I will push through it for the sake of a rewarding existence.

Here's to taking the plunge into the future.

Why people scare me

Today I took this test on a UK Psychology magazine website. I love these kinds of tests because they aren't just crap tests people make up; they actually give me insight. I think I've mentioned this before but I pride myself on my deep insight to my own psyche, however sometimes it's enlightening to have an outsider's view.

In this case, the test confirmed what I already knew about my social anxiety, and gave me some solutions to the problem. Here is my result:

You’re affected by shame

You tend to be concerned about the opinions people hold of you, so you often worry that you will do something embarrassing. While you fear the scrutiny of others, you are really your own worst critic. You evaluate nearly everything you do negatively, and expect that everyone else is doing the same. You could try tackling your feelings of shame with a reality check. The mind of the self-critic is a trickster and a myth maker, and you need to challenge your assumptions. You are not under a microscope. Others are not watching your every move, nor are they evaluating your every word. Most people are the centre of their own universe, so they’re not judging you. Don’t give credence to your negative thoughts just because they enter your head. Instead, try to counter them with statements about yourself that you know to be true — your strengths and good qualities. When you feel under attack, try to find another way of looking at the situation. Are your fears realistic, or do you imagine the worst possible outcome? Will you really be in the spotlight, or will it just feel that way? Refocus your attention: concentrate on others or the task at hand. Be your own best friend. You wouldn’t ask your best friend ‘What if they find you boring?’ or ‘What if they think you’re stupid?’ Look to the positive.

If you'd like to gain some insight into any social anxiety you have, Take The Test.  (Mull over the result, and see if it resonates with you or offers you something valuable. Please don't take it as professional advice or a diagnosis!)

This answer resonated 100% with me. Whenever I am feeling uncomfortable in a social situations,  it is ALWAYS because I am feeling embarrassment or shame. This description is kind of funny because I have always been sensitive to criticism, but never equated it with social anxiety. I remember whenever mum used to criticise me I'd tell her not to because I'd already beaten myself up 10x worse and she would just add to it.

Despite this natural tendency to be harsh on myself. I don't think I ever really experienced social anxiety up until late highschool. I guess that coincided with my eating/self-esteem problems. As I withdrew, I allowed myself to be absorbed by my inner critic. I became my inner critic. Social anxiety was one of the outcomes and still sticks with me now even after I went through my positive mindset changes and all that. I now generally value myself as a person but I see that it takes a lot of hard work and cognitive restructuring to be strong against my inner critic. Despite my improvement, I don't always value myself as a person, even though I like to think I do. If I fully valued myself, I wouldn't be so self-critical. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't expect the best of myself, but it means I need to treat myself with respect. Which means I need to stop telling myself that everybody thinks I'm dumb... or ugly... or uninteresting... or a try-hard...

Social anxiety is a lot like having a grammar nazi in my head. Except it's not picking on my grammar (maybe sometimes)... it's usually picking on my way of behaving, speaking, standing, laughing and whatever else I could possibly be doing during a social interaction or in front of others, all at the same time. This generally makes things worse, because while my mind is going a million miles an hour about these things, I have no room to process what other people are talking about, so I usually end up standing there with what I imagine to be a vacant, airy look on my face, completely unable to contribute to a conversation...so then I worry about that too. The more anxious I am, the more dumb I feel, and then the more anxious I become... I usually try to lessen the anxiety justifying to a person why I'm acting so dumb, so they know that I'm not really this dumb normally. Whether it be that I'm really stoned, really tired, feeling anxious... But why should I have to justify myself to others?

This doesn't happen/happens way less when I'm feeling really self-confident in my abilities and my identity, which is a state of mind I have only recently become familiar with. During times like this, I can breeze into social situations with open body-language, a strong voice and eagerness to connect with others. I wish it was always like this, but I take social anxiety as a sign that I need to re-connect with myself. After all, I'm all I've got. When I'm connected to and fully trusting in myself and my abilities, that's when I feel most confident and the least self-critical thoughts enter my mind.

I like the last sentence of the quiz result. It reminds me of a quote I saw on facebook or something, about how we accept self-degrading thoughts as the truth but if someone else said them we would defend ourselves instantly. And then imagine if you spoke to your best friend the way you speak to yourself... (you wouldn't have a best friend!). Imagining this is a really helpful way to practice compassion for myself. As everything starts with me, I need to have compassion for myself before I can fully have compassion for others.

I found this quote that I'm leaving you with...

“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” 

  - Aristotle

Intermission

The other weekend my old friends and I were sitting by a pool, our crystals laid out on deck chairs to cleanse in the sunlight. We had just been smoking a leisurely joint and began to talk about life and beauty, you know, the usual. Earlier I had seen my friend rescue a spider from the pool. I looked down beside me and I saw a ladybug on a tiny feather, floating near the edge of the pool. I scooped it up in my palm and lay it down on the concrete. Instantly, our conversation was diverted. We became transfixed at this sign of luck, the orange ladybug. We got on our bellies and watched with amazement as this incy wincy creature lifted its symmetrically patterned shell to reveal its tiny wings. As it attempted to dry its wings in this way, we noticed how intricately designed its shell was. Orange with little black patterns, almost as if they had been drawn on with a fine liner. It had two little eyes and legs smaller than the width of a hair. It was too perfect to be real. But there it stood, drying itself, preparing to fly off to safety.

I'm usually scared of bugs. Even ladybugs. But the love I experienced watching this creature overcame any disgust I could have felt. I'm sure the pot helped, I find it actually helps my brain detach from the feminine chaos of thought stream and focus in on one specific thing. But that's beside the point. We are so busy playing with our phones, worrying what we look like, trying to please other and our own egos, that we forget what a magical place we live in. We strive for our idea of perfection, when perfection already exists all around us. In the tiny ladybug, the veiny leaves of a plant, our own bodies that work effortlessly to keep us alive...

We take so much for granted... I take so much for granted.

I've been a bit disconnected lately, from myself. But what goes down must come back up again, and death always makes way for birth. I thought I was at a spiritual dead-end but when I think about it, I have learnt so much in the past two weeks, and a new theme is coming up for me: Yin and Yang.

Hopefully I'll be posting some more pretty soon :)

My love-hate relationship with religion

When I was in the third grade at my small Catholic school, everyone was preparing for their "Reconciliation" ceremony which would lead onto their receiving of the Holy Communion. While everyone else was nervous at the prospect of confessing all their sins to a priest, I was relieved that I didn't have to do so. My school had told me that I could not take part in these religious ceremonies, as I was baptized Anglican, not Catholic. In every subsequent monthly mass, while everyone else stood and lined up to receive the 'body of Christ', 'the bread', or 'communion', I would have to sit in silence and watch them. This was the beginning of my break from religion. We were taught that God loved everyone. Yet, my school basically told me I was not allowed to enter God's kingdom. As a small child, I recognized that if there really was a God, he would not exclude me based on my baptism or any other factor.

Since that moment I had a strong dislike towards Christianity, and Catholicism in particular, which I haven't been quite able to shake, even in my quest towards tolerance and acceptance of others. I felt that God could not have been real if he killed people or imposed rules on people. I disrespected the church every time I was there for weddings, baptisms or whatever reason. I really disliked (putting it nicely) the last Pope and what he stood for, though the new Pope is kind of more favourable. These beliefs about the church have also not been helped by all the bible bashers in America who want to convert Gay people because of a couple of passages in a book that is centuries old and should not be taken literally, at all. I still don't understand how people don't believe in magic, yet they believe there is a man in the sky who created us all. Go figure...

Anyway, religion has made a few appearances in my life where I have been forced to challenge these ideas that formed when I was so young. By the time I started to think about conspiracies, I had concluded that the Bible was a bunch of crap orchestrated by a patriarchy who desired to control the world with strict doctrines and fear. I then stumbled upon my first conspiracy thread, which talked about how the revelations was a prediction of the Roman Empire and how it had continued into modern day America. That was an extremely long but highly convincing thread about the parallels between society and the ancient text's account of our downfall. It was very compelling to me, but it required me to re-evaluate whether the Bible really was a bunch of bullcrap or whether it was something else, maybe a metaphor or a prediction, rather than a literal transcript of actual events. Some while later, I watched the documentary Zeitgeist, which highlighted the parallels between ancient religions and modern day religions. This again, was compelling to me, as that meant that the Bible had not been simply put together as fiction. It had some basis in history.

The most recent catalyst for a change in attitude has been beginning psychic development classes with my cousin, who can contact spirits and is into what people call "New Age" spirituality. And yet, he believes in angels, specifically Christian angels such as Jesus, Mary, Archangels Michael and Gabriel, and so on. He also refers to the "higher power" as 'God'. I have preferred not to do so, as just the word God symbolizes, to me, restriction, compartmentalization, strict beliefs and doctrines. But as I have developed throughout these classes, and developed more open-mindedness, I have realized that God is just the name for this thing that we can all feel within us. God does not need to mean "a man in the sky who kills people if they disobey him". God can just as well refer to the universe, or the cosmos, love, or the singularity before the big bang.

Maybe the God in the Bible doesn't even refer to an actual being. Maybe it is a metaphor of a symbol for the thing that connects us all. Reading "The Lost Symbol" by Dan Brown tonight has really opened my eyes to the potential symbolism of the Bible. I find it funny that God was the one thing I have strived to reject, when all along I have been lead along the path to find God. I still feel uncomfortable calling it God, I prefer calling it the universe, or love... To me, the universe is God. God is the universe. The universe is within me and it is within everyone else. It's also funny that throughout school we were constantly told that God is within us, and that God is everywhere at once. Because now I can see that this is SO true! We are all connected through God. It's just that everyone takes it too literally and thinks God is a man with a white beard who sits in the clouds! The truth is much more profound than that!

Indeed, we came from God and will one day return to God. But God will not meet us with open arms or a warm embrace.. we will one day return to the gigantic web of the universe where no physical boundaries exist between us. We will not be able to hug God, but we will feel as if we are a PART of God. Oneness!

It still feels wrong saying God. Too Christiany... I feel like a preacher. But there is no wrong way to say it, as long as we are all talking about the same thing I guess, so saying 'God' is a good exercise to reduce my own prejudice.

It feels good writing again! I plan to do a lot more soon :)

Until then,
Peace <3

Limbo

So I started this blog to keep me distracted while my boyfriend was away for 3 months. Really, it turned out to be a piece of cake! I got my life together, in terms of family life, connecting with people that matter, spending time alone, studying and giving up smoking and being a stoner.

I thought it would all go uphill from here. However, sometimes I can be a bit too optimistic. I'm trying to analyse why this is happening in terms of all that I've learnt in my degree. I thought I knew myself well - better than most people know themselves - but sometimes, like now, I am left stumped. What can I attribute this feeling to? It feels like... loss. Like stagnation. I'm unsure where to go. Maybe I had a moment of insecurity and I latched onto it, holding it close. That's a mistake I almost made a couple of weeks ago. I'm fighting it in my head, but sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between myself and an intruder. Sometimes I mistake that voice for my own and take it on board, only to find it makes me feel worse. That's mostly when I can tell it's not me.

I'm hoping it's just a feeling of being in limbo... I've finished my classes, and now it's like I'm in the waiting room for exams. Waiting never makes anyone feel good. You often get bored, restless, trying to distract yourself from the slowing down of time. Fiddling, playing mundane games in your head, checking the same thing over and over on your phone. It's uncomfortable, you want to rest but you can't because you need to be alert when they call you, you need to be ready. After a long time of waiting you start to go a little crazy. Especially if you're alone, waiting to be released or moved on to something else. It's just you and your thoughts and time.

I guess I haven't been making the most of this time though. Instead of studying I've been waiting. Waiting for this to be over, waiting for freedom. I'm sure I could do something more constructive. I'm focused on my peculiar mental state though, which tends to make it worse.

Tomorrow, the goal is to study. To fill my brain with info. Then there won't be room for any crazy talk.

Isolation

Feeling really down this week. Couldn't figure out why until I realised that I am feeling really isolated. As an extrovert, I gain energy from being with people I love, and people in general. And as someone with anxiety, I hate feeling excluded; I want to be a part of everything that is important to me. This is a tricky situation, as it can make me feel like people don't appreciate me, when really, I am excluding myself, due to exams which are in a week.

I am missing out on Wah Wah's 6th birthday tonight, which wouldn't be a problem except that my boyfriend got me a special invite because he DJs there. And since he is part of the 'Wah family', I really wanted to be there and show my face. But I can't, and it's really upsetting because everyone is going... even people who I don't like. I just feel like they are there to show their support, and I can't be, and it makes them look better than me. And they all get to have fun together while I'm stuck at home. No this is not the most important thing in the world, I know that, but everyone is making it out to be.

I can't get around this either, because I live at home, and my mum is my boss, and she will be livid if I go out partying all night when I'm taking work off to study for exams.

On top of that, my friends seem to be going out and doing stuff on the weekends together and I can't be a part of that either. Irrationally, I feel excluded from my own friendship group, like I'm not important. Even though it's my own doing.

My mind is going crazy.

Nothing gets me down like isolation does.

Faith

Had a great chat at uni the other day with a vibrant girl from the Christian Union who approached me to talk about faith. After viewing a short cartoon, she asked me how it related to my own faith. The whole conversation that stemmed from there was surprisingly awesome, and I found that I connected well with this Christian girl, that in fact we shared very similar ideas about the world and the same values. It reminded me that we see the world from all different perspectives but what really unites us is love and understanding! 

I want to share with you a few things that I shared with her, as through this conversation I realized how very little I get to talk about something that I am so deeply passionate about. I also never thought of myself as a person with a faith, maybe because I don't name it. I just think of it as my set of beliefs.

God, or the Source, is for me, like in other religions, where we all came from. I like to think of the God concept as the Big Bang. At the moment, the widely accepted theory is that the Big Bang originated from a singularity- a single point of mass in a void where space and time did not exist. Considering that everything in our universe supposedly came from this singularity, it's rational to say that, since we were all 'one' when this happened, that we are still 'one' with everything around us. Everything we are made, the stars are made of, even what space is made of, originated from this point. This is why I love to say that we are all pieces of the puzzle; The puzzle of the universe! 

Another thing about my faith that aligns with others is that I have a similar set of values. When talking with this girl, we both believed that we should have love and compassion for one another, and that we are too selfish now and scared of connecting with people in this 'dog eat dog' world. For me, this stems from the belief that we are all one... If you are me, and I am you, what am I afraid of? Why would I want to hurt you? For me it's really sad that we compete and are jealous and hateful of one another because this reflects on and creates how we treat ourselves... We did an exercise at Reach once where we had to make a criticism of another person, and then ask ourselves whether we had said the same thing about ourselves too... Every time. Another one of my favourite sayings is 'you must love yourself before you can love others'.

She also spoke to me about her underlying feeling that there's something wrong with the world, that its not working in the way it was meant to... I get this a lot. I got it from a young age. I always questioned why we work all our lives and then rest when we're too old to enjoy life properly. Now I question it in a deeper way, and try to remember that while I can't change how it works, I can work around it. I can do things to avoid having to rely on money and greed, such as remembering that my worth isn't dependent on my looks or possessions. Everything is impermanent, so it makes no sense to attach myself to anything. I can go natural, buy organic or grow my own food, which is like growing your own money, but allows my body to absorb pure, rich nutrients rather than the chemically altered crap that they sell in supermarkets. I can center myself in a more natural environment. All these things make me more at ease and closer to nature on this dying planet. 

The last thing she asked me is where my beliefs came from. I thought about it for a minute, and realized that my beliefs materialized one day out of nowhere. I was always drawn to spiritual and space talk when I was young. I think when I watched zeitgeist I really awoke. Everything sort of clicked into place and I thought, this is right. My morals stem from my empathy as well, which allows me (or forces me) to feel others' pain, to really absorb it in my mind and heart.

I really believe that we can only find the answers within. I always want to know things, and I keep reminding myself that all I have to do is look within to find what I'm looking for. The trouble is trying to find the time and also the discipline to let the material world go and meditate without the interruption of my mind or anything else. I always plan to. But what if I am planning until I am old, and one day I realize I never did it? I was always waiting for the time when really, time doesn't exist, it is an illusion of the material world. I have to let go of time as well in order to properly explore consciousness....

I have a lot of self work to do. 

Open your mind

I am 3 weeks away from the end of uni and I am keen as hell for a trip! I'm sick of this mundane  routine based, 3 dimensional reality. I want to learn something new, explore the nature of my existence, explore the nature of the universe. That is my deepest desire and has been for some while.
In this blog post I want to take you on my journey with psychedelic 'drugs'. So far, I have only really tried LSD and psilocybin (magic mushrooms). They have distinct differences that I have tried to observe and figure out how each one is useful in different ways. I am keen to get onto DMT, as that's when the real shit happens. But anyway, here's what I have gathered from my trips.

LSD. Acid. Tabs. Cid. Lucy. Alice. Such beautiful names for something that can make you so fucked up. All psychedelics give you clarity, in the sense that you KNOW when things are happening that you didn't while you were sober. For instance, once I took it at my ex-housemates house, where I lived at the time. I was looking at the seating arrangements; it was a square loungeroom, but the way the couches and seats were positioned was kind of in a triangle hierarchy shape. The ones sitting at the top of the triangle were in computer chairs so they were higher up than everyone else. I saw this, and I knew that they were the ringleaders, that some kind of sick game was going on and we were all under their control. I hadn't sensed it before this trip, but a couple months down the track, and their game became clear. I don't talk to these people anymore. This is why you can't trip with people who you are uncomfortable with; you can't run from those feelings or push them down like you do when you want to be civilized. The feeling, their vibes, overcame me and I was scared. I wanted out of the trip. The thing is, once you get into a state of mind on acid you can't get rid of it. At least that's the way it is for me, I know everyone finds it different. But for me, the beginning of a bad trip means the rest of the trip is doomed.

In saying that, I have had some interesting experiences that weren't exactly bad but were frightening in some way, or just peculiar I guess. In my first big acid trip, it started off with throwing a large beach ball around. The colours trailed behind it, and it was as if it flew in slow motion. I could feel my eyes shining as I smiled. Everything was sparkly. It was like I was a kid again, finding the largest joy, laughing and feeling elated, at the sight of a ball in the air. Then things started turning weird.. I noticed that I would go off in a cycle that repeated itself. Like reality spun out of control, weirder and weirder, and then I would find myself feeling 'normal', almost sober, again. Then reality would spin out again. The same things would happen. It was freaky. I carried around a lollypop to bring myself back everytime I lost control. Soon I started to run around the room, and everytime I would get to the same point, it would be the same point in time but in another 'level' of reality, getting closer to 'normal' with each circle. It was like I was running up a staircase of time and space.

The last one I had was with my boyfriend. This was the biggest one I have ever had... we didn't expect our tabs to be that strong. We listened to music, and I could hear every tiny particle of each note of the song. Everything went so SLOW. I thoroughly enjoyed every second, although I had no concept of what a second was. Then, with each song, we began to slip out of reality into what I termed 'trips'. The same spirals I mentioned before, things would repeat and spin out, and then we would snap right back, and try to explain to each other what we had just experienced (we really should have recorded our voices, but the trips pulled us in so strong that we couldn't stay in reality for all that long). Soon, reality disappeared before my eyes, slowly fading out pixel by pixel, until I was standing in a black void. No kidding. I remember thinking that I didn't know what happened to my body, and hoped that I wouldn't wake up to find myself in an asylum. I also remember thinking I shouldn't walk anywhere because I might walk through a wall in 'normal' reality and wake up to find myself in a different room of the house... how would I explain that to his parents? I would have been way more scared, but I had my boyfriend with me in the void, so it was okay. The trip intensified to the point where we were standing atop our own 'trip slides'. Basically like a strong vortex pulling our minds in. The trouble was, we had separate ones. Eventually, we decided to jump. All I remember of this, is a lot of yellow, and colours, and that I knew that I was seeing the past and the future, and that time collapsed into one point. Time was an illusion, it's all happening at the same time. Unfortunately I don't remember much of this either! But I do remember what I thought as I observed all this. Fascinating. It was like I was still able to think to myself, normally, but I couldn't control what happened to reality.

Another interesting phenomenon I have discovered is what I call 'the grid'. It is like a lattice grid made of blue and pink/red laser light that cuts through the air in 3 dimensions (Up/down, Forward/back, side to side). The thing is, there is so many of these lines that it appears to be a fabric. Even the squares of it appear to have some sort of laser webbing, like liquid, swirling about. Others have also seen this grid. I am fascinated by it. I believe it has great potential to reveal the nature of space. Almost all the time on acid, the air feels thicker. I feel like I am viewing the world at a different angle. Somehow, it's like another dimension has unfolded before me. I called it 'High definition reality'. Like HD TV,  it is so much more detailed and rich than 'normal reality'. I feel this has something to do with the grid. So yeah, this will be what I explore in my next acid trips.

Mushrooms are so much more smoother, for me at least. Acid makes me feel like I'm exploring a digital world, but mushrooms make me feel like I am some absurd kind of theme park. Everything seems rounder, and funnier. Much funnier! But also, like acid, you get that instant knowledge and clarity. I haven't had many mushroom trips at all, but I found them easier to control, so I prefer them over LSD. In my last magic mushroom adventure, my friends and I watched a video montage called Planet Earth . If you watch a tiny bit of it, it speaks for itself. The orchestra music was the clincher - watching this, I was SO amazed, that we lived on such a beautiful, alive place like this, and that stuff like this was happening that we would never see! It was so beautiful and so amazing that it was almost ridiculous that we had the privilege to live on this thing, and we never appreciate it. I just, laughed, a lot, to the point where tears rolled down my face. So many thoughts melded into one realization, and it seemed impossible that I had never come to this conclusion before. I don't remember the essence of it now because I'm not on mushrooms, and can't possibly think that many thoughts in that space of time. I think alot, but not that much! It was like doing a 26 page math problem in 2 seconds... quite overwhelming, and a beautiful experience. At one point, I decided to look at myself in the mirror. How often do you stare into your own eyes and appreciate the unique soul that you are? I know I don't, but this experience makes me want to do it more. I never felt more connected to myself, never felt more love and care, because I saw who I really was when I looked into my eyes. There is nothing like a good trip to throw everything about, and leave you with nothing but yourself, and nowhere to hide.

I really wish I could draw my trips. I've tried, but there's no way. It's just not of this world. And I don't have enough skill. Sigh. I would love to be able to express these experiences in a better way than with words. These experiences have changed how I see the world. It's like an awakening -  my mind has been stretched so far that it can never go back to what it was. And I am thirsty for more.

Hmm, well I hope at least some of you have enjoyed reading this drug riddled post. I am aware that a lot of you will be shaking your heads in disapproval, and I was reluctant to post this at first. But then I thought of my favourite quote at the moment...

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" (Dr Seuss).

Thanks Dr. Seuss, and thanks to those that appreciate the real me, drugs and all.