I didn't go to Yemaya Festival this weekend to reconnect with my feminine side, I went to a bush doof, as usual, to dance. But the universe had other plans for me.
Adorned with feminine colours, designs, shapes and symbols, Yemaya was representative of the mother goddess of the ocean, the divine feminine. I like to look at the divine feminine at its core aspect - Yin.
Yin is feminine, water, earth, soft, night, dark, shadow, passive, receiving, yielding, gentle, slow, consuming, cold.
In contrast, I am a rather yang person. I am very upbeat, extroverted, bright, bubbly and energetic. I like to control, and I am stubborn and unmoving, unlike the soft, accepting and allowing qualities of the feminine.
But this weekend at Yemaya has changed how I use feminine energy in my life, and it all happened in an extraordinary didgeridoo healing session.
At 7pm on the Saturday night, our group was pretty high and we were in the process of figuring out what we all wanted to do (A mighty task while on LSD). I tried to dance at my usual favourite place at a bush doof, the main stage, with high energy psychedelic trance booming from the speakers. But after a few minutes by myself, I wanted to go back to my friends.
My best friend declared that she would be attending a didge healing session at 8pm. I'd never participated in the healing spaces at a bush doof before, and was keen to try it out.
We entered the space a bit early to settle in before the healing. It was a large dome-like space, with pink silk sheets drooped from the middle of a ceiling, where a crystal chandelier hung like the crown jewel. I had seen a vagina sculpture in crystal healing space a bit earlier, and noted again the vagina-reminiscent decor.
To tell you the truth, this vagina stuff was quite confronting for me, even as a female (I wonder how my male friends took all of this in). It wasn't until later that I realized that our culture shames female genitalia, and this is why it was so confronting to see a vagina sculpture blatantly staring me in the face.
Despite this, the warm pink sheets and the mood-lit space were highly inviting. There were people snuggled amongst blankets and pillow, with my friend smack bang in the middle. Feeling like a deer caught in headlights, thanks to the overemphasizing effects of lysergic acid, I went straight over and sat with her.
There was a kind of open-mic thing going on, and a young dreadlocked woman named Megan came to sit up at the mic to share her poetry. I immediately thought that this was an amazingly brave thing to do, to open yourself up to a bunch of strangers and trust they would pay you respect. (And that they did, which is a wonderful thing about bush doofs.) Megan, with a strong spoken word and conviction, proceeded to read us multiple poems that are all beautifully blended in my memory, exposing her life with themes of womanhood, children, love, heartbreak, and the body. One that touched me in particular was about fat on the body. I have always hated my stomach fat, wishing it wasn't there, and at the end of the poem she encouraged us, with her soft, kind voice, to touch that problem part of our bodies, and tell it we love it. Light giggles echoed as the room filled with love for our bodies. And when I gently held my stomach and told it I loved it, unlike the other times I have tried, this time I actually meant it.
Megan had set the scene for the healing with her poetry, uniting the room with laughter and love. There was a sense of solidarity within the space as the didgeridoo healing man began to set up. We lay down with our heads on pillows, and a beautiful stranger covered my friend and I with a blanket. The healing ceremony started with a light drumming beat to ground the energies. And as I closed my eyes, the the man said "Let yourself fall into the earth"...
My breath flowing out let me fall deeper and deeper. I was restless at first, trying to relax to the abrasive sounds of the healing didge, which were unlike the more melodic sounds we usually hear from Aboriginal educators who come to schools and cultural centres. I kept opening my eyes to make sure I was still in the room, and my friends were still there. My closed eye visuals were confusing and full of colour. But after a while, I was deep within myself. Deeper than I had ever been before. My breathing was so slow, and with every breath, I felt my body let go of tension. And after the bodily tension was gone, my breathing was penetrating my very inner layer. My whole being was opened by my breath, my inner self expanding and expanding. I was seeing and feeling places so deep within my self that I was sure would take YEARS to access without the help of the LSD (which I like to think of as a spiritual lubricant). My breath finally reached a tiny red tent like structure right at the middle of my being. I was sure this was me, hiding away in there. By now, I had forgotten I was even on LSD, or that I was at yemaya festival, or that there was time. I was now in the deepest meditative state I had ever experienced.
It was about now that the didgeridoo sounds "clicked" into my body. I had started letting go of control and trusting, and my deep breathing had allowed the sound to enter my being and start healing me. But to heal, you first need to get the dirt out. I started seeing all this dark stuff being scraped out of the particles that I consisted of. I was far more than a 3-dimensional matrix, a vast rainbow pixellated like structure that was woven into the space around me and beyond. The didge sounds were like rakes on my being. It kept raking and raking the soul crap into a pile, until a climax was reached and the sounds gently brought us back down, releasing it all, and bringing us back for another round. I surrendered to the sounds which were now making my body arch and twitch, and my breathing got faster as the energy rushed through me and whirlpooled out, taking all the stagnant stuff with it. My gut even churned as if the didge was cleaning out my physical body! I had never experienced healing like this before. When doing more gentle, subtle healing in my old psychic development class, we were told that stuff would come up for us as it was released, but this was like everything was released through me at once. It was super intensive, and there was no denying that it was real.
All of this was uncomfortable at first, I had never experienced anything like this before, nor trusted anything to come so far into my being. I hadn't even seen this much of me before! My body is so much more than anything I could have ever dreamed of. On the very inside, it is as big as the sky, and all of this is contained deep deep deep inside the very center of me. But I never looked! We're always too scared to look, afraid of who we are and afraid of what we might discover. But by letting go and relaxing everything, I was able to peek in, and eventually, let the healing right into me at a deep soul level. I could feel the transformation happening. The didgeridoo reached right into my soul and pulled out chunks of darkness like they were thorns embedded deep into the skin. Now that I had gotten used to it, and I could literally see how beneficial this was for me, I could have stayed there for hours. But eventually I had to get up.
I got up way too fast, like when your alarm wrenches you out of a super deep sleep. I pulled myself out of the deepest parts of me, stood up, literally stumbled out of the healing space, disoriented, and was gasping from the intensity of the healing. It took me a while to be able to think clearly again but the most amazing thing I was feeling that I was VERY grounded. I was right into my body, I could feel every part of it and could feel my feet on the ground. This is a huge deal for me, as a double Aquarius who spends most of her time in her head and the sky. I was stomping my feet on the ground like it was the best feeling ever! And it was - I have NEVER felt to connected to my body, and the earth beneath it. Just, wow.
I was pretty spent and we all wanted to chill away from the intense energies of the party, so we all went back to our campsite. To my surprise, it was only 10pm. My estimate at this point was 3am or 4am. Long story short, I stayed up all night chatting with my dearest friends. I had a sleep, and in the morning, as I walked into the bush, the sun greeted me. I felt it all over my skin, bathing me in warmth. I walked, feeling all the movement in my legs and feeling the solid earth beneath my boots. I took my sweet time, gently stretching in the morning sunlight. So much peace filled me in all the places I had discovered the night before, in all the places that darkness had been removed from. I felt bigger, expansive, and deeply relaxed.
Later that day, I tried to sleep again. It didn't work, so I spent a good couple of hours just lying on my back in my tent, breathing deeply and stretching. I took my time that I never had before, and I stretched my body like I never had before, feeling every stretch as deep as it went, and observing how my body thanked me for it, for taking my time.
That's what I learnt at Yemaya. To take my time, like Yin, like the feminine, which is slow, and gentle, and soft. I learnt how to fully embrace myself, like a loving mother; embracing my body, my whole being, and embracing the chance to heal.
I learnt to yield, to be vulnerable, to let go, accept and receive. Like the vagina yields to the male, yield to the present moment; accept it, embrace it. Let yourself breathe, let yourself relax, and slow down.
Breathing IS acceptance! The deeper the breath, the deeper the acceptance. Slow down, breathe, and accept every part of yourself. Accepting is connecting... Slow down, breathe, and connect to your body and to the Earth. Allow yourself to feel, and be vulnerable, even though it is scary... Allow yourself to receive love and healing with grace, even though it is scary... Allow yourself to let go of control, even though it is scary!
When you let go, when you become soft, when you embrace all that is Yin, the feminine, you literally open yourself up to possibilities, knowledge, love and peace.
You open yourself up to YOU.
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drugs. Show all posts
Thursday, 14 May 2015
Thursday, 12 June 2014
Highs and lows
So I had my first "bad" week this week. I decided to try and take pills for the first time since I went off my antidepressants. The partying was amazing and full of love but I have been paying for it all this week with a big trip right into a depression pit.
Of course it has been a terrible week full of crushing darkness but today I can finally see the light again. It has been a hell of a learning experience too. I think the most important thing I learnt was no matter what activities I'm doing, I need to remember to keep up everything else that is important in my lifestyle - mainly eating healthy and nourishing foods, and keeping my surroundings clutter free. It's one thing to mess with your brain chemistry, but it's entirely another to mess with your brain chemistry and throw all other coping mechanisms out the window. I am convinced my diet has played a huge part in how happy I've been recently... especially considering that I developed anxiety and depression around the time that I started skipping meals.
Of course the drugs played the main role in this scenario, throwing me off balance and unable to go home, hence the shitty diet. So I'm not so sure that I will be choosing to participate in such activities for a while. And when (inevitably) I decide to do so again, I will be mapping out a safety net and bringing a whole fridge of food with me to wherever it is I'll be.
So I've had an interesting insight about serotonin the past couple of weeks as well. I have noticed that I have become extremely sensitive in my emotions since my antidepressants have well and truly exited my system. Not just negative emotions, positive ones too. I feel more connected and emotionally responsive to cues. For example, when I see someone do something nice or someone gives me a compliment, I feel a pang of emotion. It's easy to shake off but it's like something has hit me right in the heart. I don't remember having this kind of thing ever in my life except for the brief euphoria period after I quit everyday pot smoking. Removing the smokescreen of pot is extremely similar to removing the bubble of antidepressants. I am a bare me. Life has gotten a lot more raw and real. It has been truly amazing.
So anyway, back to the serotonin, psychologists don't really know exactly how it works in the brain and in relation to mental illness... Antidepressants were discovered by accident- and because they elevated mood levels, the theory of mental illness became that it was caused by an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Mainly serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. The most popular antidepressants target serotonin. Recently, I have come to disagree with this theory. It's my opinion that my own natural serotonin levels don't make me depressed, they make me more sensitive, and therefore more prone to depression. But also more prone to periods of intense gratitude and positive emotion. Higher levels of serotonin did NOT make me more "happy", they made me less emotional. Less creative. Less connected.
Serotonin is a complex thing. LSD affects serotonin and norepinephrine levels just like antidepressants, yet scientists are not sure why it affects our perception the way it does (it does not make me feel like I'm on antidepressants, that's for sure!) MDMA also affects serotonin but it again, affects moods differently to antidepressants. Antidepressants certainly didn't make me feel warm and fuzzy and creative! These drugs actually make me feel extremely connected and sensitive, the opposite of what higher serotonin levels have done to me when induced by antidepressants.... So serotonin is a bit crazy and we may never find out exactly what it does. But in the context of natural levels, I don't think that low levels necessarily mean someone is going to be depressed, and that high levels mean that someone is going to be happier. I do think though, that extreme levels outside the middle zone, such as the extreme low I had this week and the mania that I had when my antidepressant dose was too high, can make us very out of touch with our reality. As with everything, balance is the key.
So excuse me as I go and cry over an article about strangers doing nice things for each other... This feeling is why I will never go on antidepressants again even if it gets worse than this week did... and it most likely will at some point.
Peace
Of course it has been a terrible week full of crushing darkness but today I can finally see the light again. It has been a hell of a learning experience too. I think the most important thing I learnt was no matter what activities I'm doing, I need to remember to keep up everything else that is important in my lifestyle - mainly eating healthy and nourishing foods, and keeping my surroundings clutter free. It's one thing to mess with your brain chemistry, but it's entirely another to mess with your brain chemistry and throw all other coping mechanisms out the window. I am convinced my diet has played a huge part in how happy I've been recently... especially considering that I developed anxiety and depression around the time that I started skipping meals.
Of course the drugs played the main role in this scenario, throwing me off balance and unable to go home, hence the shitty diet. So I'm not so sure that I will be choosing to participate in such activities for a while. And when (inevitably) I decide to do so again, I will be mapping out a safety net and bringing a whole fridge of food with me to wherever it is I'll be.
So I've had an interesting insight about serotonin the past couple of weeks as well. I have noticed that I have become extremely sensitive in my emotions since my antidepressants have well and truly exited my system. Not just negative emotions, positive ones too. I feel more connected and emotionally responsive to cues. For example, when I see someone do something nice or someone gives me a compliment, I feel a pang of emotion. It's easy to shake off but it's like something has hit me right in the heart. I don't remember having this kind of thing ever in my life except for the brief euphoria period after I quit everyday pot smoking. Removing the smokescreen of pot is extremely similar to removing the bubble of antidepressants. I am a bare me. Life has gotten a lot more raw and real. It has been truly amazing.
So anyway, back to the serotonin, psychologists don't really know exactly how it works in the brain and in relation to mental illness... Antidepressants were discovered by accident- and because they elevated mood levels, the theory of mental illness became that it was caused by an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Mainly serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. The most popular antidepressants target serotonin. Recently, I have come to disagree with this theory. It's my opinion that my own natural serotonin levels don't make me depressed, they make me more sensitive, and therefore more prone to depression. But also more prone to periods of intense gratitude and positive emotion. Higher levels of serotonin did NOT make me more "happy", they made me less emotional. Less creative. Less connected.
Serotonin is a complex thing. LSD affects serotonin and norepinephrine levels just like antidepressants, yet scientists are not sure why it affects our perception the way it does (it does not make me feel like I'm on antidepressants, that's for sure!) MDMA also affects serotonin but it again, affects moods differently to antidepressants. Antidepressants certainly didn't make me feel warm and fuzzy and creative! These drugs actually make me feel extremely connected and sensitive, the opposite of what higher serotonin levels have done to me when induced by antidepressants.... So serotonin is a bit crazy and we may never find out exactly what it does. But in the context of natural levels, I don't think that low levels necessarily mean someone is going to be depressed, and that high levels mean that someone is going to be happier. I do think though, that extreme levels outside the middle zone, such as the extreme low I had this week and the mania that I had when my antidepressant dose was too high, can make us very out of touch with our reality. As with everything, balance is the key.
So excuse me as I go and cry over an article about strangers doing nice things for each other... This feeling is why I will never go on antidepressants again even if it gets worse than this week did... and it most likely will at some point.
Peace
Sunday, 5 January 2014
New moon on the new year
So it's now 2014. Next year, a space shuttle will land on the surface of Pluto. As an Aquarian I tend to get ahead of myself and ahead of time. So let's take a step back to my beginning of this year.
I began the new year watching fireworks. This was the same as last new year except I was sober this time. It was beautiful. I thought to myself, one of the best things about this shitty society is fireworks.
Soon enough we got to our club of choice. This wasn't how I had planned my night, but I had chosen to help a friend out by taking her out with me and my boyfriend. Long story so I won't go on about it, but this is how I ended up in the city.
My friend and I took a pill when we got there. I usually don't trust pills, as they may have anything in them. I like pure MDMA. But my other friend had tried them, so I took his word that they were good. I believe all things happen for a reason, and that is why I was guided to take these things. When it hit, I threw up. I felt sick and sluggish. I didn't feel good. An hour passed, I threw up again. Everything was intense around me. It felt like I was tripping. What was wrong, were these pills too strong or were they something else? I couldn't talk and I just wanted to be alone. But in the middle of a club smokers room, this was not possible. I was scared and I wanted to cry. Eventually, I started thinking that I wanted to leave. I was not having fun.
2 hours in, and I had decided to leave. I was scared because everything seemed so weird and I didn't think I could handle the train. My friend was going to leave with me, but she said that before we left, she was going to take me through a meditation. She sat me down on the dirty concrete in the corner of the smokers room while the chatter buzzed around us, and I closed my eyes. Instantly I focused in on her voice and everything else quietened around me. She was describing how I felt, and how I shouldn't feel that way because of how amazing I am. She described my light, and I felt my light growing inside of me. I was crying, through her voice I remembered how strong I was, and that when I felt this small I was just forgetting how really big I am. I remembered that I wasn't alone and I could fight whatever fight was going on inside me as long as I reached out for help. I no longer felt scared, I felt protected and loved by my friends, and by myself.
After that, I regained my confidence and didn't feel nearly as paranoid. I was tripping a lot less. I talked to a few people about it and one of them said they were having a similar experience. Another friend said that it reminded him of the saying "Ecstasy; you don't know what it will do to you". This made me laugh, mostly because I saw that this statement was very, very true.
I had spent most of the night down in the smokers room, so I decided to go and dance. Some weird german techno was playing. It was divine.
Soon, it was my boyfriend's turn to play DJ. I danced, mostly alone for a while, and started to feel self-conscious again. Some guy grabbed my ass and it made it put my guard way up. I felt like a little girl. I could not relax. Then there was this other guy dancing, who I always see at this club. He is an ethnic dude, with a kind spirit and a friendly smile... and he dances differently to everyone else. He dances like he is free, like he is completely immersed in the music and forgets that anyone else is around him. I always notice this guy because he is so different. Other people notice he's different too, but respond really negatively. I tried to explain to someone that night that I love how he dances because he flows from his heart. They still just thought he was weird. I knew he was special.
He freaked me out a bit that morning because he was trying to make eye contact and dance with me. Normally I'd be okay with it but because I was in this weird headspace, it felt like he was putting attention on me and I didn't want attention. Anxiety levels were high. He told me that I am too shy. It was at that moment that I KNEW that this guy was meant to teach me something, he was meant to challenge me.
Later on, I ventured down to the smokers room again. The dancing guy was there. It was weird because I always saw him as that awesome dancing guy, and had never actually talked to him properly at all! Finally talking to him was like talking to someone I had known for my whole life... maybe even longer. We talked about why he dances, and how it frees him from every bad experience he has ever had. We talked about how he is judged for his dancing. We talked about how people are afraid of connecting with others and afraid of showing our true selves because we will be judged. We talked about how society conditions us to be scared of people who want to connect because we never see that behaviour on TV, and I realized that this guy made me scared because usually when a guy is this friendly he is making a pass. But I got it in that moment, dancing guy was NOT making a pass! This was NOT television, this was something REAL. He wanted to connect, one soul to another, one life form to another. He was sad that no one would dance and connect with him, but at the same time accepted it because he knew people didn't understand. But he wanted it for me, he wanted me to feel free because he saw how scared I was and how much it would benefit me to let go.
So I did it. We walked back up to the music and stood in the middle of the dance floor. He got me to close my eyes and I stopped all the racing thoughts in my head, I ignored the fact that people may judge me, because it didn't matter. I just moved. I became energy fused with the music. I smiled and felt my heart opening. I opened my eyes and we kept dancing, having so much fun! And then, as if we were emitting some kind of powerful energy, people were coming up and giving us hugs and telling us how awesome we were! It was like magic, like people were feeling what we felt, sensing our souls and wanting to connect.
I know this all sounds really weird and like this guy may have been a sleaze, but honestly, it was the furthest thing from it. Dancing guy feels like an old soul, and with his aid I was able to let go of my fears -fears that were heightened by some weird ass drugs- and fucking move. Not dance; just move, and flow, and FEEL. Instead of closed I was open. Instead of small I was big. Instead of scared I had power. Instead of trapped I was free.
I could not have asked for a more perfect embodiment of 2013 in one night. New years mirrored my whole year; a journey and a struggle to regain my self-confidence and step into my own power.
During the past 12 months I made some of the most amazing accomplishments. I learnt to stand up for myself by removing toxic people from my life. I took ownership of my pot addiction and kicked it in the ass, and now I can go anywhere I want without fear of being left without it. I also kicked cigarettes. Not completely, but you could say I am no longer a "smoker". I survived 3 months without my boyfriend, kicking my dependency on him and learned to love my own company. I learnt to trust my intuition a whole lot more, and to be able to say no to people. I battled my anxiety to complete my undergraduate psychology degree. I was the happiest I have probably ever been since I was a little girl, even for a short period of time.
For 2014 I have a vision. I will expand my knowledge, wisdom, energy and ability and experience life as much as possible, rather than wait for it to pass. I will take risks if my heart wills me to, and I won't wait up on anyone else to help me do what I feel I need to do. I've had enough of superficial bullshit, I will remove as much of it as I can out of my life, even if it means feeling left out of things... I will push through it for the sake of a rewarding existence.
Here's to taking the plunge into the future.
I began the new year watching fireworks. This was the same as last new year except I was sober this time. It was beautiful. I thought to myself, one of the best things about this shitty society is fireworks.
Soon enough we got to our club of choice. This wasn't how I had planned my night, but I had chosen to help a friend out by taking her out with me and my boyfriend. Long story so I won't go on about it, but this is how I ended up in the city.
My friend and I took a pill when we got there. I usually don't trust pills, as they may have anything in them. I like pure MDMA. But my other friend had tried them, so I took his word that they were good. I believe all things happen for a reason, and that is why I was guided to take these things. When it hit, I threw up. I felt sick and sluggish. I didn't feel good. An hour passed, I threw up again. Everything was intense around me. It felt like I was tripping. What was wrong, were these pills too strong or were they something else? I couldn't talk and I just wanted to be alone. But in the middle of a club smokers room, this was not possible. I was scared and I wanted to cry. Eventually, I started thinking that I wanted to leave. I was not having fun.
2 hours in, and I had decided to leave. I was scared because everything seemed so weird and I didn't think I could handle the train. My friend was going to leave with me, but she said that before we left, she was going to take me through a meditation. She sat me down on the dirty concrete in the corner of the smokers room while the chatter buzzed around us, and I closed my eyes. Instantly I focused in on her voice and everything else quietened around me. She was describing how I felt, and how I shouldn't feel that way because of how amazing I am. She described my light, and I felt my light growing inside of me. I was crying, through her voice I remembered how strong I was, and that when I felt this small I was just forgetting how really big I am. I remembered that I wasn't alone and I could fight whatever fight was going on inside me as long as I reached out for help. I no longer felt scared, I felt protected and loved by my friends, and by myself.
After that, I regained my confidence and didn't feel nearly as paranoid. I was tripping a lot less. I talked to a few people about it and one of them said they were having a similar experience. Another friend said that it reminded him of the saying "Ecstasy; you don't know what it will do to you". This made me laugh, mostly because I saw that this statement was very, very true.
I had spent most of the night down in the smokers room, so I decided to go and dance. Some weird german techno was playing. It was divine.
Soon, it was my boyfriend's turn to play DJ. I danced, mostly alone for a while, and started to feel self-conscious again. Some guy grabbed my ass and it made it put my guard way up. I felt like a little girl. I could not relax. Then there was this other guy dancing, who I always see at this club. He is an ethnic dude, with a kind spirit and a friendly smile... and he dances differently to everyone else. He dances like he is free, like he is completely immersed in the music and forgets that anyone else is around him. I always notice this guy because he is so different. Other people notice he's different too, but respond really negatively. I tried to explain to someone that night that I love how he dances because he flows from his heart. They still just thought he was weird. I knew he was special.
He freaked me out a bit that morning because he was trying to make eye contact and dance with me. Normally I'd be okay with it but because I was in this weird headspace, it felt like he was putting attention on me and I didn't want attention. Anxiety levels were high. He told me that I am too shy. It was at that moment that I KNEW that this guy was meant to teach me something, he was meant to challenge me.
Later on, I ventured down to the smokers room again. The dancing guy was there. It was weird because I always saw him as that awesome dancing guy, and had never actually talked to him properly at all! Finally talking to him was like talking to someone I had known for my whole life... maybe even longer. We talked about why he dances, and how it frees him from every bad experience he has ever had. We talked about how he is judged for his dancing. We talked about how people are afraid of connecting with others and afraid of showing our true selves because we will be judged. We talked about how society conditions us to be scared of people who want to connect because we never see that behaviour on TV, and I realized that this guy made me scared because usually when a guy is this friendly he is making a pass. But I got it in that moment, dancing guy was NOT making a pass! This was NOT television, this was something REAL. He wanted to connect, one soul to another, one life form to another. He was sad that no one would dance and connect with him, but at the same time accepted it because he knew people didn't understand. But he wanted it for me, he wanted me to feel free because he saw how scared I was and how much it would benefit me to let go.
So I did it. We walked back up to the music and stood in the middle of the dance floor. He got me to close my eyes and I stopped all the racing thoughts in my head, I ignored the fact that people may judge me, because it didn't matter. I just moved. I became energy fused with the music. I smiled and felt my heart opening. I opened my eyes and we kept dancing, having so much fun! And then, as if we were emitting some kind of powerful energy, people were coming up and giving us hugs and telling us how awesome we were! It was like magic, like people were feeling what we felt, sensing our souls and wanting to connect.
I know this all sounds really weird and like this guy may have been a sleaze, but honestly, it was the furthest thing from it. Dancing guy feels like an old soul, and with his aid I was able to let go of my fears -fears that were heightened by some weird ass drugs- and fucking move. Not dance; just move, and flow, and FEEL. Instead of closed I was open. Instead of small I was big. Instead of scared I had power. Instead of trapped I was free.
I could not have asked for a more perfect embodiment of 2013 in one night. New years mirrored my whole year; a journey and a struggle to regain my self-confidence and step into my own power.
During the past 12 months I made some of the most amazing accomplishments. I learnt to stand up for myself by removing toxic people from my life. I took ownership of my pot addiction and kicked it in the ass, and now I can go anywhere I want without fear of being left without it. I also kicked cigarettes. Not completely, but you could say I am no longer a "smoker". I survived 3 months without my boyfriend, kicking my dependency on him and learned to love my own company. I learnt to trust my intuition a whole lot more, and to be able to say no to people. I battled my anxiety to complete my undergraduate psychology degree. I was the happiest I have probably ever been since I was a little girl, even for a short period of time.
For 2014 I have a vision. I will expand my knowledge, wisdom, energy and ability and experience life as much as possible, rather than wait for it to pass. I will take risks if my heart wills me to, and I won't wait up on anyone else to help me do what I feel I need to do. I've had enough of superficial bullshit, I will remove as much of it as I can out of my life, even if it means feeling left out of things... I will push through it for the sake of a rewarding existence.
Here's to taking the plunge into the future.
Thursday, 26 September 2013
Open your mind
I am 3 weeks away from the end of uni and I am keen as hell for a trip! I'm sick of this mundane routine based, 3 dimensional reality. I want to learn something new, explore the nature of my existence, explore the nature of the universe. That is my deepest desire and has been for some while.
In this blog post I want to take you on my journey with psychedelic 'drugs'. So far, I have only really tried LSD and psilocybin (magic mushrooms). They have distinct differences that I have tried to observe and figure out how each one is useful in different ways. I am keen to get onto DMT, as that's when the real shit happens. But anyway, here's what I have gathered from my trips.
LSD. Acid. Tabs. Cid. Lucy. Alice. Such beautiful names for something that can make you so fucked up. All psychedelics give you clarity, in the sense that you KNOW when things are happening that you didn't while you were sober. For instance, once I took it at my ex-housemates house, where I lived at the time. I was looking at the seating arrangements; it was a square loungeroom, but the way the couches and seats were positioned was kind of in a triangle hierarchy shape. The ones sitting at the top of the triangle were in computer chairs so they were higher up than everyone else. I saw this, and I knew that they were the ringleaders, that some kind of sick game was going on and we were all under their control. I hadn't sensed it before this trip, but a couple months down the track, and their game became clear. I don't talk to these people anymore. This is why you can't trip with people who you are uncomfortable with; you can't run from those feelings or push them down like you do when you want to be civilized. The feeling, their vibes, overcame me and I was scared. I wanted out of the trip. The thing is, once you get into a state of mind on acid you can't get rid of it. At least that's the way it is for me, I know everyone finds it different. But for me, the beginning of a bad trip means the rest of the trip is doomed.
In saying that, I have had some interesting experiences that weren't exactly bad but were frightening in some way, or just peculiar I guess. In my first big acid trip, it started off with throwing a large beach ball around. The colours trailed behind it, and it was as if it flew in slow motion. I could feel my eyes shining as I smiled. Everything was sparkly. It was like I was a kid again, finding the largest joy, laughing and feeling elated, at the sight of a ball in the air. Then things started turning weird.. I noticed that I would go off in a cycle that repeated itself. Like reality spun out of control, weirder and weirder, and then I would find myself feeling 'normal', almost sober, again. Then reality would spin out again. The same things would happen. It was freaky. I carried around a lollypop to bring myself back everytime I lost control. Soon I started to run around the room, and everytime I would get to the same point, it would be the same point in time but in another 'level' of reality, getting closer to 'normal' with each circle. It was like I was running up a staircase of time and space.
The last one I had was with my boyfriend. This was the biggest one I have ever had... we didn't expect our tabs to be that strong. We listened to music, and I could hear every tiny particle of each note of the song. Everything went so SLOW. I thoroughly enjoyed every second, although I had no concept of what a second was. Then, with each song, we began to slip out of reality into what I termed 'trips'. The same spirals I mentioned before, things would repeat and spin out, and then we would snap right back, and try to explain to each other what we had just experienced (we really should have recorded our voices, but the trips pulled us in so strong that we couldn't stay in reality for all that long). Soon, reality disappeared before my eyes, slowly fading out pixel by pixel, until I was standing in a black void. No kidding. I remember thinking that I didn't know what happened to my body, and hoped that I wouldn't wake up to find myself in an asylum. I also remember thinking I shouldn't walk anywhere because I might walk through a wall in 'normal' reality and wake up to find myself in a different room of the house... how would I explain that to his parents? I would have been way more scared, but I had my boyfriend with me in the void, so it was okay. The trip intensified to the point where we were standing atop our own 'trip slides'. Basically like a strong vortex pulling our minds in. The trouble was, we had separate ones. Eventually, we decided to jump. All I remember of this, is a lot of yellow, and colours, and that I knew that I was seeing the past and the future, and that time collapsed into one point. Time was an illusion, it's all happening at the same time. Unfortunately I don't remember much of this either! But I do remember what I thought as I observed all this. Fascinating. It was like I was still able to think to myself, normally, but I couldn't control what happened to reality.
Another interesting phenomenon I have discovered is what I call 'the grid'. It is like a lattice grid made of blue and pink/red laser light that cuts through the air in 3 dimensions (Up/down, Forward/back, side to side). The thing is, there is so many of these lines that it appears to be a fabric. Even the squares of it appear to have some sort of laser webbing, like liquid, swirling about. Others have also seen this grid. I am fascinated by it. I believe it has great potential to reveal the nature of space. Almost all the time on acid, the air feels thicker. I feel like I am viewing the world at a different angle. Somehow, it's like another dimension has unfolded before me. I called it 'High definition reality'. Like HD TV, it is so much more detailed and rich than 'normal reality'. I feel this has something to do with the grid. So yeah, this will be what I explore in my next acid trips.
Mushrooms are so much more smoother, for me at least. Acid makes me feel like I'm exploring a digital world, but mushrooms make me feel like I am some absurd kind of theme park. Everything seems rounder, and funnier. Much funnier! But also, like acid, you get that instant knowledge and clarity. I haven't had many mushroom trips at all, but I found them easier to control, so I prefer them over LSD. In my last magic mushroom adventure, my friends and I watched a video montage called Planet Earth . If you watch a tiny bit of it, it speaks for itself. The orchestra music was the clincher - watching this, I was SO amazed, that we lived on such a beautiful, alive place like this, and that stuff like this was happening that we would never see! It was so beautiful and so amazing that it was almost ridiculous that we had the privilege to live on this thing, and we never appreciate it. I just, laughed, a lot, to the point where tears rolled down my face. So many thoughts melded into one realization, and it seemed impossible that I had never come to this conclusion before. I don't remember the essence of it now because I'm not on mushrooms, and can't possibly think that many thoughts in that space of time. I think alot, but not that much! It was like doing a 26 page math problem in 2 seconds... quite overwhelming, and a beautiful experience. At one point, I decided to look at myself in the mirror. How often do you stare into your own eyes and appreciate the unique soul that you are? I know I don't, but this experience makes me want to do it more. I never felt more connected to myself, never felt more love and care, because I saw who I really was when I looked into my eyes. There is nothing like a good trip to throw everything about, and leave you with nothing but yourself, and nowhere to hide.
I really wish I could draw my trips. I've tried, but there's no way. It's just not of this world. And I don't have enough skill. Sigh. I would love to be able to express these experiences in a better way than with words. These experiences have changed how I see the world. It's like an awakening - my mind has been stretched so far that it can never go back to what it was. And I am thirsty for more.
Hmm, well I hope at least some of you have enjoyed reading this drug riddled post. I am aware that a lot of you will be shaking your heads in disapproval, and I was reluctant to post this at first. But then I thought of my favourite quote at the moment...
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" (Dr Seuss).
Thanks Dr. Seuss, and thanks to those that appreciate the real me, drugs and all.
In this blog post I want to take you on my journey with psychedelic 'drugs'. So far, I have only really tried LSD and psilocybin (magic mushrooms). They have distinct differences that I have tried to observe and figure out how each one is useful in different ways. I am keen to get onto DMT, as that's when the real shit happens. But anyway, here's what I have gathered from my trips.
LSD. Acid. Tabs. Cid. Lucy. Alice. Such beautiful names for something that can make you so fucked up. All psychedelics give you clarity, in the sense that you KNOW when things are happening that you didn't while you were sober. For instance, once I took it at my ex-housemates house, where I lived at the time. I was looking at the seating arrangements; it was a square loungeroom, but the way the couches and seats were positioned was kind of in a triangle hierarchy shape. The ones sitting at the top of the triangle were in computer chairs so they were higher up than everyone else. I saw this, and I knew that they were the ringleaders, that some kind of sick game was going on and we were all under their control. I hadn't sensed it before this trip, but a couple months down the track, and their game became clear. I don't talk to these people anymore. This is why you can't trip with people who you are uncomfortable with; you can't run from those feelings or push them down like you do when you want to be civilized. The feeling, their vibes, overcame me and I was scared. I wanted out of the trip. The thing is, once you get into a state of mind on acid you can't get rid of it. At least that's the way it is for me, I know everyone finds it different. But for me, the beginning of a bad trip means the rest of the trip is doomed.
In saying that, I have had some interesting experiences that weren't exactly bad but were frightening in some way, or just peculiar I guess. In my first big acid trip, it started off with throwing a large beach ball around. The colours trailed behind it, and it was as if it flew in slow motion. I could feel my eyes shining as I smiled. Everything was sparkly. It was like I was a kid again, finding the largest joy, laughing and feeling elated, at the sight of a ball in the air. Then things started turning weird.. I noticed that I would go off in a cycle that repeated itself. Like reality spun out of control, weirder and weirder, and then I would find myself feeling 'normal', almost sober, again. Then reality would spin out again. The same things would happen. It was freaky. I carried around a lollypop to bring myself back everytime I lost control. Soon I started to run around the room, and everytime I would get to the same point, it would be the same point in time but in another 'level' of reality, getting closer to 'normal' with each circle. It was like I was running up a staircase of time and space.
The last one I had was with my boyfriend. This was the biggest one I have ever had... we didn't expect our tabs to be that strong. We listened to music, and I could hear every tiny particle of each note of the song. Everything went so SLOW. I thoroughly enjoyed every second, although I had no concept of what a second was. Then, with each song, we began to slip out of reality into what I termed 'trips'. The same spirals I mentioned before, things would repeat and spin out, and then we would snap right back, and try to explain to each other what we had just experienced (we really should have recorded our voices, but the trips pulled us in so strong that we couldn't stay in reality for all that long). Soon, reality disappeared before my eyes, slowly fading out pixel by pixel, until I was standing in a black void. No kidding. I remember thinking that I didn't know what happened to my body, and hoped that I wouldn't wake up to find myself in an asylum. I also remember thinking I shouldn't walk anywhere because I might walk through a wall in 'normal' reality and wake up to find myself in a different room of the house... how would I explain that to his parents? I would have been way more scared, but I had my boyfriend with me in the void, so it was okay. The trip intensified to the point where we were standing atop our own 'trip slides'. Basically like a strong vortex pulling our minds in. The trouble was, we had separate ones. Eventually, we decided to jump. All I remember of this, is a lot of yellow, and colours, and that I knew that I was seeing the past and the future, and that time collapsed into one point. Time was an illusion, it's all happening at the same time. Unfortunately I don't remember much of this either! But I do remember what I thought as I observed all this. Fascinating. It was like I was still able to think to myself, normally, but I couldn't control what happened to reality.
Another interesting phenomenon I have discovered is what I call 'the grid'. It is like a lattice grid made of blue and pink/red laser light that cuts through the air in 3 dimensions (Up/down, Forward/back, side to side). The thing is, there is so many of these lines that it appears to be a fabric. Even the squares of it appear to have some sort of laser webbing, like liquid, swirling about. Others have also seen this grid. I am fascinated by it. I believe it has great potential to reveal the nature of space. Almost all the time on acid, the air feels thicker. I feel like I am viewing the world at a different angle. Somehow, it's like another dimension has unfolded before me. I called it 'High definition reality'. Like HD TV, it is so much more detailed and rich than 'normal reality'. I feel this has something to do with the grid. So yeah, this will be what I explore in my next acid trips.
Mushrooms are so much more smoother, for me at least. Acid makes me feel like I'm exploring a digital world, but mushrooms make me feel like I am some absurd kind of theme park. Everything seems rounder, and funnier. Much funnier! But also, like acid, you get that instant knowledge and clarity. I haven't had many mushroom trips at all, but I found them easier to control, so I prefer them over LSD. In my last magic mushroom adventure, my friends and I watched a video montage called Planet Earth . If you watch a tiny bit of it, it speaks for itself. The orchestra music was the clincher - watching this, I was SO amazed, that we lived on such a beautiful, alive place like this, and that stuff like this was happening that we would never see! It was so beautiful and so amazing that it was almost ridiculous that we had the privilege to live on this thing, and we never appreciate it. I just, laughed, a lot, to the point where tears rolled down my face. So many thoughts melded into one realization, and it seemed impossible that I had never come to this conclusion before. I don't remember the essence of it now because I'm not on mushrooms, and can't possibly think that many thoughts in that space of time. I think alot, but not that much! It was like doing a 26 page math problem in 2 seconds... quite overwhelming, and a beautiful experience. At one point, I decided to look at myself in the mirror. How often do you stare into your own eyes and appreciate the unique soul that you are? I know I don't, but this experience makes me want to do it more. I never felt more connected to myself, never felt more love and care, because I saw who I really was when I looked into my eyes. There is nothing like a good trip to throw everything about, and leave you with nothing but yourself, and nowhere to hide.
I really wish I could draw my trips. I've tried, but there's no way. It's just not of this world. And I don't have enough skill. Sigh. I would love to be able to express these experiences in a better way than with words. These experiences have changed how I see the world. It's like an awakening - my mind has been stretched so far that it can never go back to what it was. And I am thirsty for more.
Hmm, well I hope at least some of you have enjoyed reading this drug riddled post. I am aware that a lot of you will be shaking your heads in disapproval, and I was reluctant to post this at first. But then I thought of my favourite quote at the moment...
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" (Dr Seuss).
Thanks Dr. Seuss, and thanks to those that appreciate the real me, drugs and all.
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
All signs point to change
My mind is a madhouse at the moment! I feel like there are 1000s of
little mes reminding me of things to do, telling me about things that
would be interesting to think about, trying to correct my behaviour,
motivating me, demotivating me... My mind feels like when you walk into a
room full of people and all you can hear is the buzzing of chatter.
Everyone's voice melds into one. No wonder I'm so distracted.
I have always been like this, but moreso now that I'm so close to finishing my degree. I'm getting so excited at the prospect of freedom that I just want it NOW! As it put it to my dad, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to run towards it. This attitude is also resulting in the universe throwing so many signs at me, so many opportunities, that I just want to take now, but can't. One more month, one more month and I can do whatever I want, I just gotta hang in there!
Looking over the past 3 months, I am quite proud of myself, I have achieved an enormous amount over such a little time! I thought I was going to struggle so much with my boyfriend away. Funny that, the morning he left, I bawled my eyes out and smoked weed all day... and now, I am 10x stronger.
I've quit smoking cigarettes - I am now 60 days smoke free, apart from two slip-ups, one where I was drunk and another when I was stressed to the max... But the important thing is that I have persevered and learnt from those mistakes (learning relapse prevention in Cognitive psych has been extra useful). However, I never expected that I would still be craving at this point! Cigarettes are so, so nasty and addictive. I have also gone from an everyday stoner to a once-a-week smoker. I can't decide which is a greater achievement! I feel like a new person. As a result, I am doing things that don't involve smoking weed, like visiting my family more, seeing non-smokers who do non-smoking activities, spending time at home by myself, and applying for jobs as a result of my newfound confidence... I just cannot describe how the decision to cut down has changed my life. It's freed me up to do so many things, and FEEL so many things that I was missing out on!
My uni performance has also excelled - even though I stills struggle with stress and lack of freedom, my uni attendance this semester is the highest it has ever been. I rarely missed classes and have handed in all my assignments. This is probably due to increased mental health. I did almost dig myself into a negative hole at one point, but brought myself out of it in about an hour. This is the fastest reverse of depression/anxiety that I have ever experienced. (I did it by seeing it as a separate entity. I talked to it, and I asked it why it was trying to tell me all these negative things. It quickly disappeared... I highly recommend that you try this!) I have really gained a new perspective on things. Uni isn't that important. And as a result, I've done better at it. Ironic, huh?
As a whole, I feel so much more powerful as a person. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything, I can achieve anything. I don't know if mania is still affecting me or if this is my true self, I still have to figure that out... but it is important that I stay confident rather than doubting myself. I struggle with this a lot, I am always analyzing myself, trying to figure out why I'm so happy. Am I unconsciously blocking negative feelings because my attachment figure is unavailable? Am I experiencing mania due to my antidepressants? Is this my anxiety acting up in a positive way? I really can't wait to go off my anti-depressants when uni finishes, so I can find out who I truly am! Am I destined to always be this bubbly and annoyingly happy? We will soon find out! ;)
So those are most of my thoughts lately, or as many as I could catch out amidst the buzz and chatter of my mind. I'm sure more will pop up throughout the day, that I will intend to write about, but will disappear from memory as more thoughts take over...
Now, to finish my second last assignment!
The end is nigh :)
I have always been like this, but moreso now that I'm so close to finishing my degree. I'm getting so excited at the prospect of freedom that I just want it NOW! As it put it to my dad, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to run towards it. This attitude is also resulting in the universe throwing so many signs at me, so many opportunities, that I just want to take now, but can't. One more month, one more month and I can do whatever I want, I just gotta hang in there!
Looking over the past 3 months, I am quite proud of myself, I have achieved an enormous amount over such a little time! I thought I was going to struggle so much with my boyfriend away. Funny that, the morning he left, I bawled my eyes out and smoked weed all day... and now, I am 10x stronger.
I've quit smoking cigarettes - I am now 60 days smoke free, apart from two slip-ups, one where I was drunk and another when I was stressed to the max... But the important thing is that I have persevered and learnt from those mistakes (learning relapse prevention in Cognitive psych has been extra useful). However, I never expected that I would still be craving at this point! Cigarettes are so, so nasty and addictive. I have also gone from an everyday stoner to a once-a-week smoker. I can't decide which is a greater achievement! I feel like a new person. As a result, I am doing things that don't involve smoking weed, like visiting my family more, seeing non-smokers who do non-smoking activities, spending time at home by myself, and applying for jobs as a result of my newfound confidence... I just cannot describe how the decision to cut down has changed my life. It's freed me up to do so many things, and FEEL so many things that I was missing out on!
My uni performance has also excelled - even though I stills struggle with stress and lack of freedom, my uni attendance this semester is the highest it has ever been. I rarely missed classes and have handed in all my assignments. This is probably due to increased mental health. I did almost dig myself into a negative hole at one point, but brought myself out of it in about an hour. This is the fastest reverse of depression/anxiety that I have ever experienced. (I did it by seeing it as a separate entity. I talked to it, and I asked it why it was trying to tell me all these negative things. It quickly disappeared... I highly recommend that you try this!) I have really gained a new perspective on things. Uni isn't that important. And as a result, I've done better at it. Ironic, huh?
As a whole, I feel so much more powerful as a person. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything, I can achieve anything. I don't know if mania is still affecting me or if this is my true self, I still have to figure that out... but it is important that I stay confident rather than doubting myself. I struggle with this a lot, I am always analyzing myself, trying to figure out why I'm so happy. Am I unconsciously blocking negative feelings because my attachment figure is unavailable? Am I experiencing mania due to my antidepressants? Is this my anxiety acting up in a positive way? I really can't wait to go off my anti-depressants when uni finishes, so I can find out who I truly am! Am I destined to always be this bubbly and annoyingly happy? We will soon find out! ;)
So those are most of my thoughts lately, or as many as I could catch out amidst the buzz and chatter of my mind. I'm sure more will pop up throughout the day, that I will intend to write about, but will disappear from memory as more thoughts take over...
Now, to finish my second last assignment!
The end is nigh :)
Friday, 26 July 2013
Insomnia and energy
So I woke up at around 3am and it seems I'm not going back to sleep any time soon. I've never had insomnia before (or as far as I can remember), so now I can say I really sympathise with those of you who have it. There's not much to do in the wee hours of the morning, except blog I guess. Or if you're my brother, playing games which involve world domination.
For those of you wondering why I'm up at this time, it's because I have cut down heavily on my pot use. Upsides include constant euphoria, feeling more, waking up easily in the morning, clear-mindedness and less pressure on my lungs. Downsides include writing this blog post at 4am. If anyone would like information on their pot use, withdrawal, and tips on cutting down or quitting, I found Know Cannabis very useful and straightfroward. Also, Addiction Dirkh has some more complex and neurological information on marijuana withdrawal.
Well... I have had an exhausting week. Not to say it's been shit, just very fast paced and crazy. It's definitely the full moon, this happens every time. Work is always busier and life is more hectic. I have hardly had the chance to talk to my boyfriend or write a blog post. Thank God for insomnia?
On that note, I'm not actually religious, but I do attend these weekly spiritual/meditation classes run by my cousin, who is also a psychic artist and an author. Check out his art and soul blueprints here. I'm really enjoying putting links in my text just so you know :) Anyway, this class pretty much turned me from self-loathing, cynical emo girl to an optimistic, world-loving hippy. This Wednesday's class was one of the more magical ones, let me tell you all about it.
I rocked up to the class, euphoric as ever, high off no pot (I still think this is funny). There was another Aquarian dude there who has also been bouncing off the walls all week, which helped me feel less crazy. But being an Aquarian, feeling crazy is sort of normal. Anyway, we were told we were going to bring up some negative emotions and express them through art. Art therapy, in a way. It wasn't really my ideal class at this stage because of how happy I've been, but I gave it a go. I went right into my heart and brought up a sadness that I had not acknowledged was still there. It was surprisingly easy to cry and draw it all out on paper. Once it was over, I recovered my good mood with a renewed sense of strength, feeling way more grounded. An amazing thing for me, always with my heads in the clouds. I realized that maybe why I've been so high is that I run away from my negative emotions. When I feel happy, I cling onto it like my life depends on it. But you know what? My life doesn't depend on it. I discovered I can still feel less desirable emotions and feel happy about life at the same time.
Lately, I have been feeling so much intense love for the world and everyone in it. All my emotion that I've pushed down with pot has come up. My fear has been replaced with courage, my loneliness has been replaced with oneness, and my anger has been replaced with sadness. Sometimes I feel like this is too much emotion for me to deal with at once. Even feeling the love has been exhausting, because I am constantly radiating it out to everyone around me. It has been a great couple of weeks, and I absolutely love having more than enough energy to share with those who have less. But I think I need to save some for myself, or at least put it into things I love or need to do, like my university studies (already falling behind, as usual), and... well, I don't know what else. I feel too guilty doing art, reading or music because I have uni work to do.
It's 4:20am... ;) But I will be going to sleep naturally now.
Love and Peace to you.
For those of you wondering why I'm up at this time, it's because I have cut down heavily on my pot use. Upsides include constant euphoria, feeling more, waking up easily in the morning, clear-mindedness and less pressure on my lungs. Downsides include writing this blog post at 4am. If anyone would like information on their pot use, withdrawal, and tips on cutting down or quitting, I found Know Cannabis very useful and straightfroward. Also, Addiction Dirkh has some more complex and neurological information on marijuana withdrawal.
Well... I have had an exhausting week. Not to say it's been shit, just very fast paced and crazy. It's definitely the full moon, this happens every time. Work is always busier and life is more hectic. I have hardly had the chance to talk to my boyfriend or write a blog post. Thank God for insomnia?
On that note, I'm not actually religious, but I do attend these weekly spiritual/meditation classes run by my cousin, who is also a psychic artist and an author. Check out his art and soul blueprints here. I'm really enjoying putting links in my text just so you know :) Anyway, this class pretty much turned me from self-loathing, cynical emo girl to an optimistic, world-loving hippy. This Wednesday's class was one of the more magical ones, let me tell you all about it.
I rocked up to the class, euphoric as ever, high off no pot (I still think this is funny). There was another Aquarian dude there who has also been bouncing off the walls all week, which helped me feel less crazy. But being an Aquarian, feeling crazy is sort of normal. Anyway, we were told we were going to bring up some negative emotions and express them through art. Art therapy, in a way. It wasn't really my ideal class at this stage because of how happy I've been, but I gave it a go. I went right into my heart and brought up a sadness that I had not acknowledged was still there. It was surprisingly easy to cry and draw it all out on paper. Once it was over, I recovered my good mood with a renewed sense of strength, feeling way more grounded. An amazing thing for me, always with my heads in the clouds. I realized that maybe why I've been so high is that I run away from my negative emotions. When I feel happy, I cling onto it like my life depends on it. But you know what? My life doesn't depend on it. I discovered I can still feel less desirable emotions and feel happy about life at the same time.
Lately, I have been feeling so much intense love for the world and everyone in it. All my emotion that I've pushed down with pot has come up. My fear has been replaced with courage, my loneliness has been replaced with oneness, and my anger has been replaced with sadness. Sometimes I feel like this is too much emotion for me to deal with at once. Even feeling the love has been exhausting, because I am constantly radiating it out to everyone around me. It has been a great couple of weeks, and I absolutely love having more than enough energy to share with those who have less. But I think I need to save some for myself, or at least put it into things I love or need to do, like my university studies (already falling behind, as usual), and... well, I don't know what else. I feel too guilty doing art, reading or music because I have uni work to do.
It's 4:20am... ;) But I will be going to sleep naturally now.
Love and Peace to you.
Sunday, 21 July 2013
Awake
The other morning I was having a blast listening to The Beatles while driving to uni. It was a beautiful sunny morning and I was keen to attend my first lectures for two of my subjects. As I was driving, I started thinking about how amazing my friends and family are, and how loved I am, and how I'm in such a good place mentally at the moment. At this point, singing along to Hey Jude, my thoughts shut off, paving the way for a flood of emotion. I actually teared up as the feeling of gratitude and love expanded in an infinite space inside my soul. I felt pure love for myself and everything around me. A feeling of completeness, oneness.
I am 99% sure that this only the second time in my life that I have ever felt anything like that without the aid of what I like to call... "spiritually enhancing substances". It first happened in my weekly meditation class, when we were doing a meditation themed around expanding the aura with energy. This time I was meditating - just being - without trying. I instantly tapped into myself and my energy in its purest form. High on life.
This experience was then followed by an amazing weekend with some of the most open and loving humans I have ever met :) Saturday night, (yes, with the aid of "spiritually enhancing substances"), was another magical night, where I felt absolute clarity and peace. We talked about so many things, real, raw and no bullshit. We expressed out love for each other without fear. It was such an amazing vibe. Some people may think this isn't real. It's influenced by drugs, it's just a fake feeling. I disagree. I tend to think that all these feelings are there already, waiting for us to unlock them. This has been supported by my experience the other day, when I was completely sober. These substances, these compounds... essentially change the way our consciousness works. We are able to tap into different perspectives, and come up with different ideas that we already know, but are yet to be discovered, or realised. These substances either unlock buried parts of the mind, or block certain perception processes that keep us grounded in 3D. Once you can shut the ego off, you become just feeling, just energy, and can access higher levels of reality. I guess this is pretty much a shortcut to a meditative state. However, I do feel that you need to be somewhat open to yourself and the world to be able to utilise the spiritual effects of certain drugs. Otherwise they just become another blanket for your issues, another escape from reality, a destructive addiction pattern. What a waste of potential magic.
At some point during our Saturday night shenanigans, as a lot of people who partake in such shenanigans would relate to, the subject of being "awake" came up. What does it mean to be awake? My chemically ridden brain came up with this explanation (as accurately as I can remember saying it):
It all starts with you. Love yourself and love others... love yourself and love everything. And realise that you ARE everything.
I am 99% sure that this only the second time in my life that I have ever felt anything like that without the aid of what I like to call... "spiritually enhancing substances". It first happened in my weekly meditation class, when we were doing a meditation themed around expanding the aura with energy. This time I was meditating - just being - without trying. I instantly tapped into myself and my energy in its purest form. High on life.
This experience was then followed by an amazing weekend with some of the most open and loving humans I have ever met :) Saturday night, (yes, with the aid of "spiritually enhancing substances"), was another magical night, where I felt absolute clarity and peace. We talked about so many things, real, raw and no bullshit. We expressed out love for each other without fear. It was such an amazing vibe. Some people may think this isn't real. It's influenced by drugs, it's just a fake feeling. I disagree. I tend to think that all these feelings are there already, waiting for us to unlock them. This has been supported by my experience the other day, when I was completely sober. These substances, these compounds... essentially change the way our consciousness works. We are able to tap into different perspectives, and come up with different ideas that we already know, but are yet to be discovered, or realised. These substances either unlock buried parts of the mind, or block certain perception processes that keep us grounded in 3D. Once you can shut the ego off, you become just feeling, just energy, and can access higher levels of reality. I guess this is pretty much a shortcut to a meditative state. However, I do feel that you need to be somewhat open to yourself and the world to be able to utilise the spiritual effects of certain drugs. Otherwise they just become another blanket for your issues, another escape from reality, a destructive addiction pattern. What a waste of potential magic.
At some point during our Saturday night shenanigans, as a lot of people who partake in such shenanigans would relate to, the subject of being "awake" came up. What does it mean to be awake? My chemically ridden brain came up with this explanation (as accurately as I can remember saying it):
"To be awake, is to know... that we are all one. We all came from a single source. We are the same; you and me, we are the same, so are you and (friend's name), and him and me... All of us. And to be awake is to know that to change the world, you must switch to love. Not fear, only love."To switch to love requires conquering fear. Conquering fear requires courage. And courage comes from a confidence in yourself. Start to treat yourself better, and become so confident in your amazing unique self, that challenges no longer scare you and negativity no longer poses a threat to your spirit. Then you will learn to forgive and love everything unconditionally, for all its good and bad.
It all starts with you. Love yourself and love others... love yourself and love everything. And realise that you ARE everything.
Thursday, 18 July 2013
What is normal?
On Tuesday I attended my first Disability, Diversity and Social Exclusion tutorial. Turns out that most of us doing this unit are psychology students. My tutor made a comment, "all you psychology students, going to change the world"... damn right we are. Eventually anyway, after 6 or more years of study!
She also said something else, something that came up for me during my mushroom trip last Friday night. "What is normal?" This question is asked of psychology students the moment we begin. We are actually taught common definitions of normal, how normal is measured. You know, because we like to categorize things. If you are acting in an accepted way, if you are part of a majority (socially, physically, whatever), or if you are deemed to function well (all 3 factors dependent on culture and context), then you or your behaviour could be described as 'normal'. What you do could be 'normal' in one culture or context but could be 'abnormal' in another.
As you'd expect I took a different take on it with shrooms in my belly. My mate said we should watch something 'normal'... my mind started racing as I asked the familiar question to myself: "What is normal?" Did he mean that he wanted to watch something we would usually watch, or did he want to watch 'normal' people, like reality shows? Are they even 'normal?' I don't think so... they seem pretty outrageous. Well, what do 'normal' people do? Were we going to watch a show where people sat around and had breakfast and went to work? Complained about traffic and workmates? Picked the kids up from school? What a boring show. I would rather watch something trippy. Would these TV people even think about stuff? Would they wonder what normal is? As I type this, the word 'normal' is losing its meaning. Is that normal? Does that happen to a majority of people? Is it specific to my culture? If so, which culture? Drug culture, Australian culture, language culture?
Life's endless questions...
I just looked up at my formatting toolbar for this blog and saw that 'normal' has been automatically selected for me. Blogger assumes that we all want normal as well...
So I started another subject, Social Psychology of Relationships. And get this... one of my unit learning objectives is "to observe and code behaviour"... Yes, I will be doing more categorizing, but I will be learning how to read you guys! Be afraid!
My lecturer made the point that whenever he says he is a psychologist, people always ask "Oh can you read my mind?"... I actually get that a lot too. We don't mind read but turns out we watch your every move... Seriously though, I am really excited that I will be learning something useful, something practical that will assist me in my relationships and my career :)
A last thing I will leave you with for now is another point my lecturer made... That the way in which you code behaviour, depends on the lens you observe it through.
Have a think about how your lens affects the way you see things, that other people may see differently...
My aim, as a future psychologist, is to have a neutral lens... Or at least an educated one.
Educated is the only way to gain a wider perspective, and a wider lens.
Now the word 'lens' has also lost meaning.
Time for bed.
She also said something else, something that came up for me during my mushroom trip last Friday night. "What is normal?" This question is asked of psychology students the moment we begin. We are actually taught common definitions of normal, how normal is measured. You know, because we like to categorize things. If you are acting in an accepted way, if you are part of a majority (socially, physically, whatever), or if you are deemed to function well (all 3 factors dependent on culture and context), then you or your behaviour could be described as 'normal'. What you do could be 'normal' in one culture or context but could be 'abnormal' in another.
As you'd expect I took a different take on it with shrooms in my belly. My mate said we should watch something 'normal'... my mind started racing as I asked the familiar question to myself: "What is normal?" Did he mean that he wanted to watch something we would usually watch, or did he want to watch 'normal' people, like reality shows? Are they even 'normal?' I don't think so... they seem pretty outrageous. Well, what do 'normal' people do? Were we going to watch a show where people sat around and had breakfast and went to work? Complained about traffic and workmates? Picked the kids up from school? What a boring show. I would rather watch something trippy. Would these TV people even think about stuff? Would they wonder what normal is? As I type this, the word 'normal' is losing its meaning. Is that normal? Does that happen to a majority of people? Is it specific to my culture? If so, which culture? Drug culture, Australian culture, language culture?
Life's endless questions...
I just looked up at my formatting toolbar for this blog and saw that 'normal' has been automatically selected for me. Blogger assumes that we all want normal as well...
So I started another subject, Social Psychology of Relationships. And get this... one of my unit learning objectives is "to observe and code behaviour"... Yes, I will be doing more categorizing, but I will be learning how to read you guys! Be afraid!
My lecturer made the point that whenever he says he is a psychologist, people always ask "Oh can you read my mind?"... I actually get that a lot too. We don't mind read but turns out we watch your every move... Seriously though, I am really excited that I will be learning something useful, something practical that will assist me in my relationships and my career :)
A last thing I will leave you with for now is another point my lecturer made... That the way in which you code behaviour, depends on the lens you observe it through.
Have a think about how your lens affects the way you see things, that other people may see differently...
My aim, as a future psychologist, is to have a neutral lens... Or at least an educated one.
Educated is the only way to gain a wider perspective, and a wider lens.
Now the word 'lens' has also lost meaning.
Time for bed.
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