Progress

Before I start my next blog post, I feel that I should address the fact that my two last blog posts severely contradicted each other. All I can say about this is that it shows that even though I think I am fairly insightful, I still find it hard to distinguish between head and heart, and hard to recognise what I really need for myself. It also shows how you can find reasons for any point of view if you try hard enough!! Holding two opposing points of view is really tough and that's something I'm struggling with in my journey, as I am both spiritual and learning psychology. There are a lot of contradictions between my beliefs as a result of the influence of these domains in my life, but when I follow my heart and gut instinct rather than strictly follow the books, that's where the magic happens, and that's where I can learn new things and make an influence on the psychology field in my own way.

Anyway, so onward and forward. I am going really well off my anti-depressants. I have had two incidents in the past two weeks where my thoughts have overwhelmed me. One was at work, I was still training and someone called in sick so I had to man reception by myself. I tried to juggle many customers and phone calls at once while trying to find answers to questions I didn't know. I gave a old disabled man the wrong directions and he was very grumpy. Then my coworker got annoyed at me for doing something wrong and I just went in the back and cried. After that my coworker gave me a big talk on how I should say 'no' to people and do what feels right for me, so that was nice... so I learnt a lot that day, I learnt how to recognise when I'm getting stressed, to take time out to have a breathe even if it's really busy, and that I don't need to answer everything, it's fine to say 'I don't know!'

After this, nothing negative came up for a while, but I prepared myself because I knew that life was always going to bring a challenge. Then the other incident was just this week; I was tired after a couple of days of demanding work and my thoughts started to overwhelm me a bit. I got caught up in the storm of worry and started feeling depressed and frustrated at my closest friends. I knew it was irrational at the time but I'm sure most of you would know how hard it is to get yourself on the outside of a thought storm once you're stuck right in the middle! Anyway, I texted my friends and promptly dropped my phone in the toilet, so I never got my answer. This issue came up again the next morning while I was working for my mum, and I was on the verge of tears for a good hour and a half worrying about what I had imagined in my head about my friends. I got to the point where I was like - okay, what can I do about this. Then my brain started telling me that I was too upset, I should tell my mum and go home. I noticed that thinking this repeatedly was making me even more upset!! So I struggled for a bit until I found my way out - I told myself that my mind was telling me the 'I can't do it story' and that they were just words - words can't hurt me, and they certainly aren't always true. Once I got my head around that, I focused on why I was there that day, I was there to help my mum and my other coworkers out because they were short of staff. By changing my view of my thoughts and also feeling that this wasn't about me, it was about my care for my mum, the storm in my head quickly quietened. I had no thoughts on this for the rest of the day, and got on with my work as I usually would.

The thing that helped me the most with this situation was a book called "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris. It's based on a psychological therapy called ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), and it was worked for me soooo much better than CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I got given this book back in highschool as a reward for good marks. And this week it has saved my ass! I highly recommend this book. It's easy to understand and makes sense for everyday life. It make take a tad longer to be able to implement the skills if you haven't been learning mindfulness like I have for a while, but it is well worth the read. On that note, studying buddhist teachings is also an amazing resource. An app called "Radio Dharma" is a great resource if you can sit still and listen for an hour. I usually listen to it in the car!

So other than that everything has been quite smooth. I have continued with all my activities including yoga, kung fu and new meditation classes, have not missed a day of work and still haven't had a coffee in a month, and not even a puff of a cigarette for even longer. (As these substances raise the heart rate and in turn, increase anxiety). This is such a difference from how I handled my depression and anxiety years ago when I would have just stayed in bed and quit things at the first negative thought. Even though I let it overwhelm me a bit I have managed to maintain my base positive attitude and enjoy most of the day, every day! Boo-yah!!

I haven't yet met up with my psychologist, but I'm so excited to tell her how I'm going and what skills have been helping :)

Thanks for reading, if you have any questions please shoot me a comment or a facebook message (if you know who I am!)


Peace

Four days

 **WARNING- may be triggering: contains ED themes**

A few years ago around the same time of year, a girl sat in her lounge room with her laptop open. Supposedly, she was doing homework, at least that's what her parents thought. She wanted to do it, but she couldn't focus. Hundreds of thoughts were distracting her, plaguing her mind. They never stopped, she was at their mercy. They always told her where to direct her time and energy, and today wasn't any different. She was to surf the web for 'thinspiration', determined that it would inspire her not to eat. She was to chat to other people in an online forum, to gain tips, tricks and insights into how to be that perfect person she had wanted to be for a few years now. Her parents were about to leave the house. This conjured up a few feelings, the main two being relief and anxiety. Relief came at the thought that she would no longer have to pretend to be so well together; for at least a few hours, she could indulge in her fantasies in peace and without fear of being discovered. Anxiety came stronger, as she knew this is where she could lose control. With no one around, she couldn't trust herself not to let loose on all the forbidden, delicious foods in the house. 

So close to the kitchen. 
Her heart raced. Time stopped. No longer fully focused on her pictures of girls full of bones, her eyes darted towards the fridge. She knew what was in there, she looked in there obsessively whenever she had the chance. "Just one piece of cake, and then no more eating for the rest of the day."
"It'll be worth it."
Anything to make the panic feeling go away.

Half an hour later, I'm on the floor, crying, wailing. What have I done? The world was ending. The cake was finished. I was devastated. I looked down, I saw a huge, wad of fat body below me.
The thoughts made me cry so hard I felt sick.
"You're worthless. Ugly. Stupid. Disgusting. Vile. Fat. Putrid. Fucking gross bitch."
"Get rid of it. QUICKLY!!!"
The voices never stopped until I did what they told me to do. 

****

A few years ago, my life was hell, and I was my own worst enemy. Everything was fine on the outside. I had a beautiful family who were well off, lived in a beautiful house, had a boyfriend who loved me... But I was the unhappiest I have ever been. That was the year that I decided I needed to go on antidepressants... and after 5 years, this is the week that I have started my journey without them, for good.

I have been thinking about this for a while, and I tried it a few times without really thinking of the ramifications. Needless to say, it didn't work, and I went straight back on them. None of the eating and body image problems had been present for a long time, but the depression and anxiety lingered around me like a black fog. But this time I am prepared to face my dark side, and I am prepared for any negative feelings that may come my way. For so long I have been scared of myself, scared of the thoughts I might have when I'm alone. But in the past couple of years I have learnt to love myself and cut myself a bit more slack. I'm far from perfecting this self-love, but I am so far from how I used to be. I feel like I am a different person now.

My main concern about going off my medication is that the person I have become is not the real me... What if I become a different person... what if people notice? What if I'm not as positive? What if my sense of humor is different? What if I'm not as outgoing?.... But then I do remember a time about 8 years ago, before I got sucked into my own darkness, when I was a happy-go-lucky, slightly naiive, fun-loving crazy chick. The world was my oyster. And then life happened.

Well now it's time for me to reclaim my life. I started tapering off my meds 4 days ago and although there's not a dramatic difference, I'm feeling more... alive. I'm feeling more me. I feel like a veil is slowly lifting and that more things are reaching me. I'm thinking more, but thinking and feeling slightly more deeply. I have had a tiny bit of anxiety, probably because I'm anticipating it, but I am slowly realizing that I don't need to let feelings affect me and control my life. I need to accept them and let them be, stop struggling to make them go away so I can get on with the important things in my life. I need to make peace with all of me, not just the pretty parts, but the ugly as well.

So I bid adieu to Lovan, or Prozac as it's called in America. It actually really helped me, at a time when I felt I was out of my own control. Under it's thought-numbing effects, I was able to regain a sense of control with my eating patterns, I was able to complete year 12 with a pretty high ENTER score, I was able to gain some peace in my life without being overwhelmed with vicious circles of thoughts and feelings interrupting my everyday experience. I was able to step out of my head and into the world. So it did help me, but I'm no longer that girl who hated herself and everything around her. I'm now someone who experiences the absolute love that binds this universe together, and who appreciates life for what it is. So it's time to let go of the security blanket and plunge into the unknown.

I still have a long way to go, so, here's to more growing.
I still have another week before I'm completely med-free, so watch this space, I'm going well so far, and I'm excited to see what changes and challenges it may bring :)

Accepting happiness

Hello all, it's been a while. With a mind like a leap frog, it's hard to stay on topic long enough to write a blog post. But I feel I should get back to writing because I have learnt a lot in the past couple of months that could be useful to anyone who reads this.

In the last week, I realized that I need to learn to cope with feelings of happiness. Sounds strange, as happiness is obviously the greatest, so why would anyone run from it? It's complicated for me. I am still coming to terms with being on anti-depressants, after about 5 years of taking them. My mum thinks that drugs bring "artificial happiness", and that is my subconscious view of my "happy pills". I think, for me, the term "happy pills" brings with it a judgement that my happiness comes purely from the pills.

I have gone off them a few times (without professional permission- never do this) due to reaching a nice happy plateau, and feeling like I didn't need them anymore. I was about to do the same this week, when I received some advice from a friend who is studying mental health, drugs and alcohol. This advice brought me down to earth from my illusion cloud.

Since I have gotten really into Buddhism lately, I thought that my stability of happiness meant I was ready to use my coping mechanisms on a lower dose. Subtle feelings of irritability and instability started to creep through, and I told my friend about it, and she advised me that my prescription is meant to level out a real, solid, chemical deficiency in my brain (something my psychologist thinks is the cause for my mental health issues), not to "make" me happy. She said that my pills bring me to a level playing field, that of someone with a healthy amount of neurochemicals... which is true. But at first, like always, I thought, no, I should be able to live without taking these pills every day. Something about being able to be happy "naturally" is appealing to me, it meant I will have attained it without help. But after a bit of internal reasoning, I realized that it is my ego that wants me to live without the pills. It's the ego that tells me that happiness isn't real if it comes from a pill, that I haven't earnt it, so I don't deserve it. But when I think about it rationally, qualified professionals put me on this stuff, and as a future psychologist, there is no way I would ever advise one of my clients to taper off their pills just because they finally feel normal and can enjoy life again, and there is no way that I would ever view them any less for taking them. So why do I treat myself more harshly than I would with anyone else?

With my high standards for myself, it is hard for me to accept that it is my own happiness that is coming through now. It's hard for me to accept that I am not on a mind-altering drug, that I need my medication for my mental health as much as a diabetic needs their insulin, or someone with cholesterol problems needs their statins. Because of the stigma of mental health, the dependence on medication makes me feel weak, that I am cheating my way to happiness, that my happiness is artificial. I feel that I haven't worked hard for my happiness, and I want to earn it rather than it come easy, so I can feel like I have accomplished something. This view prevents me from fully owning my positive feelings and taking responsibility for the good that has come of my life. But as my friend made me realize, I have worked hard for my happiness. I have gone through some of the shittest things and come out alive. I have kicked addictions, physical and mental; I have trained my brain to be more rational and tolerant with buddhist teachings; I have learnt to enjoy my own company in the absence of my boyfriend. I finished year 12 with high grades despite horrible anxiety, and I have a bachelor's degree in psychology, despite all the times I wanted to give up.

So I think that instead of challenging myself with tapering off my meds, I will challenge myself to do what I would advise anyone else to do: accept my happiness as it is, and to come to terms with the possibility that I may be on these meds for most or the rest of my life. Even in my happy state, that is a big load that I need to process. A huge part of my ego needs to be worked on in order to be proud of myself and feel that I deserve this happiness, and to maintain that feeling in the face of any internal conflict. And it's very important that I am able to come to terms with this, so that I can set a good example for my future clients who will very likely have the same concerns with anti-depressants.

I think this must be a common thing. Just like people find it hard to accept compliments, it is hard to accept that you are responsible for your own happiness and the good things that come out of your life. But really, if you accept help or advice on a project, does this negate any credit you should receive for your hard work? If you take pain meds to get through surgery, does it make you weak? If you use a walking stick to help you stand, does it make you lazy?

I've learnt that it's not about how many tools you use to help you. It's about how you use those tools - as a crutch, or to help you achieve autonomy. It's a very different thing to rely on something to do the work for you, than to use it to help you achieve something important. Taking anti-depressants doesn't make me weak, it means that I am brave enough to embrace happiness, and that I recognize that I am not a victim; that I have the power to change my life... I just have a little (but very real) handicap ;)

Much love and peace,

Katie.

Why people scare me

Today I took this test on a UK Psychology magazine website. I love these kinds of tests because they aren't just crap tests people make up; they actually give me insight. I think I've mentioned this before but I pride myself on my deep insight to my own psyche, however sometimes it's enlightening to have an outsider's view.

In this case, the test confirmed what I already knew about my social anxiety, and gave me some solutions to the problem. Here is my result:

You’re affected by shame

You tend to be concerned about the opinions people hold of you, so you often worry that you will do something embarrassing. While you fear the scrutiny of others, you are really your own worst critic. You evaluate nearly everything you do negatively, and expect that everyone else is doing the same. You could try tackling your feelings of shame with a reality check. The mind of the self-critic is a trickster and a myth maker, and you need to challenge your assumptions. You are not under a microscope. Others are not watching your every move, nor are they evaluating your every word. Most people are the centre of their own universe, so they’re not judging you. Don’t give credence to your negative thoughts just because they enter your head. Instead, try to counter them with statements about yourself that you know to be true — your strengths and good qualities. When you feel under attack, try to find another way of looking at the situation. Are your fears realistic, or do you imagine the worst possible outcome? Will you really be in the spotlight, or will it just feel that way? Refocus your attention: concentrate on others or the task at hand. Be your own best friend. You wouldn’t ask your best friend ‘What if they find you boring?’ or ‘What if they think you’re stupid?’ Look to the positive.

If you'd like to gain some insight into any social anxiety you have, Take The Test.  (Mull over the result, and see if it resonates with you or offers you something valuable. Please don't take it as professional advice or a diagnosis!)

This answer resonated 100% with me. Whenever I am feeling uncomfortable in a social situations,  it is ALWAYS because I am feeling embarrassment or shame. This description is kind of funny because I have always been sensitive to criticism, but never equated it with social anxiety. I remember whenever mum used to criticise me I'd tell her not to because I'd already beaten myself up 10x worse and she would just add to it.

Despite this natural tendency to be harsh on myself. I don't think I ever really experienced social anxiety up until late highschool. I guess that coincided with my eating/self-esteem problems. As I withdrew, I allowed myself to be absorbed by my inner critic. I became my inner critic. Social anxiety was one of the outcomes and still sticks with me now even after I went through my positive mindset changes and all that. I now generally value myself as a person but I see that it takes a lot of hard work and cognitive restructuring to be strong against my inner critic. Despite my improvement, I don't always value myself as a person, even though I like to think I do. If I fully valued myself, I wouldn't be so self-critical. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't expect the best of myself, but it means I need to treat myself with respect. Which means I need to stop telling myself that everybody thinks I'm dumb... or ugly... or uninteresting... or a try-hard...

Social anxiety is a lot like having a grammar nazi in my head. Except it's not picking on my grammar (maybe sometimes)... it's usually picking on my way of behaving, speaking, standing, laughing and whatever else I could possibly be doing during a social interaction or in front of others, all at the same time. This generally makes things worse, because while my mind is going a million miles an hour about these things, I have no room to process what other people are talking about, so I usually end up standing there with what I imagine to be a vacant, airy look on my face, completely unable to contribute to a conversation...so then I worry about that too. The more anxious I am, the more dumb I feel, and then the more anxious I become... I usually try to lessen the anxiety justifying to a person why I'm acting so dumb, so they know that I'm not really this dumb normally. Whether it be that I'm really stoned, really tired, feeling anxious... But why should I have to justify myself to others?

This doesn't happen/happens way less when I'm feeling really self-confident in my abilities and my identity, which is a state of mind I have only recently become familiar with. During times like this, I can breeze into social situations with open body-language, a strong voice and eagerness to connect with others. I wish it was always like this, but I take social anxiety as a sign that I need to re-connect with myself. After all, I'm all I've got. When I'm connected to and fully trusting in myself and my abilities, that's when I feel most confident and the least self-critical thoughts enter my mind.

I like the last sentence of the quiz result. It reminds me of a quote I saw on facebook or something, about how we accept self-degrading thoughts as the truth but if someone else said them we would defend ourselves instantly. And then imagine if you spoke to your best friend the way you speak to yourself... (you wouldn't have a best friend!). Imagining this is a really helpful way to practice compassion for myself. As everything starts with me, I need to have compassion for myself before I can fully have compassion for others.

I found this quote that I'm leaving you with...

“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” 

  - Aristotle

Patience

I have a bit of an issue with time. When I want something, I want it now, or at least in the soonest possible time frame. This issue with time spreads across many different dimensions. When I was little, I watched my 2 minute noodles go around in the microwave. In high school, I wanted to be skinny straight away so I had to take the fastest possible route. Now, I am looking for the fastest possible way to achieve my first goal of being a counsellor.

I admit it, I expected that life was going to be a bit easier, that I would be able to get a job straight away. Recently, I downgraded those expectations. I now thought that I could do a part-time counselling degree for a year, as well as volunteer for a year, and THEN I would be able to get a job in my field. Upon applying for some volunteering roles, I discovered that training to be a helpline volunteer may take up to a year, and cost a shitload of money. Which I don't want to earn, because I'm sick of working a shit job that means nothing to me.

Well, it's time for me to harden up I think. But also, reprogram myself. I think my generation are so used to instant gratification (to the point where I will get pissed off if my iPhone lags- woop de doo), that we must have things now. Everything is so fast. I can find out answers to things on google within 30 seconds, I can pay bills within 5 minutes through internet banking, I don't even have to leave my bed to go shopping. We must definitely be the most impatient generation of humans to ever exist. So no wonder I'm somewhat of a lazy, self-entitled, giver-uperer. But I have resolved that I must not be a victim either.

So, patience. How may I develop patience? Well, meditation will probably help. And a new outlook. Maybe some self administered cognitive behavioural therapy. Yes I want a good job now, no it's not the end of the world that I will have to work an unfulfilling job for a couple more years. Yes I want to be a qualified something now, no it may not happen for a good couple of years either. Be realistic, but not pessimistic. This is my goal.

Still, I am scared. I am scared of having to face the prospect of failures. So maybe that is another reason for my overly optimistic attitude. "Unrealistic optimism", they call it, to avoid thinking about the horrible prospect of failure. I expect it will be easy, therefore I'm not that scared. But now, having to rearrange my gimme gimme gimme attitude into one of patience, perseverance and resilience, I'm going to have to face up to some failures. If I want to get anywhere, that is.

Oh life, how I love your challenges.