I didn't go to Yemaya Festival this weekend to reconnect with my feminine side, I went to a bush doof, as usual, to dance. But the universe had other plans for me.
Adorned with feminine colours, designs, shapes and symbols, Yemaya was representative of the mother goddess of the ocean, the divine feminine. I like to look at the divine feminine at its core aspect - Yin.
Yin is feminine, water, earth, soft, night, dark, shadow, passive, receiving, yielding, gentle, slow, consuming, cold.
In contrast, I am a rather yang person. I am very upbeat, extroverted, bright, bubbly and energetic. I like to control, and I am stubborn and unmoving, unlike the soft, accepting and allowing qualities of the feminine.
But this weekend at Yemaya has changed how I use feminine energy in my life, and it all happened in an extraordinary didgeridoo healing session.
At 7pm on the Saturday night, our group was pretty high and we were in the process of figuring out what we all wanted to do (A mighty task while on LSD). I tried to dance at my usual favourite place at a bush doof, the main stage, with high energy psychedelic trance booming from the speakers. But after a few minutes by myself, I wanted to go back to my friends.
My best friend declared that she would be attending a didge healing session at 8pm. I'd never participated in the healing spaces at a bush doof before, and was keen to try it out.
We entered the space a bit early to settle in before the healing. It was a large dome-like space, with pink silk sheets drooped from the middle of a ceiling, where a crystal chandelier hung like the crown jewel. I had seen a vagina sculpture in crystal healing space a bit earlier, and noted again the vagina-reminiscent decor.
To tell you the truth, this vagina stuff was quite confronting for me, even as a female (I wonder how my male friends took all of this in). It wasn't until later that I realized that our culture shames female genitalia, and this is why it was so confronting to see a vagina sculpture blatantly staring me in the face.
Despite this, the warm pink sheets and the mood-lit space were highly inviting. There were people snuggled amongst blankets and pillow, with my friend smack bang in the middle. Feeling like a deer caught in headlights, thanks to the overemphasizing effects of lysergic acid, I went straight over and sat with her.
There was a kind of open-mic thing going on, and a young dreadlocked woman named Megan came to sit up at the mic to share her poetry. I immediately thought that this was an amazingly brave thing to do, to open yourself up to a bunch of strangers and trust they would pay you respect. (And that they did, which is a wonderful thing about bush doofs.) Megan, with a strong spoken word and conviction, proceeded to read us multiple poems that are all beautifully blended in my memory, exposing her life with themes of womanhood, children, love, heartbreak, and the body. One that touched me in particular was about fat on the body. I have always hated my stomach fat, wishing it wasn't there, and at the end of the poem she encouraged us, with her soft, kind voice, to touch that problem part of our bodies, and tell it we love it. Light giggles echoed as the room filled with love for our bodies. And when I gently held my stomach and told it I loved it, unlike the other times I have tried, this time I actually meant it.
Megan had set the scene for the healing with her poetry, uniting the room with laughter and love. There was a sense of solidarity within the space as the didgeridoo healing man began to set up. We lay down with our heads on pillows, and a beautiful stranger covered my friend and I with a blanket. The healing ceremony started with a light drumming beat to ground the energies. And as I closed my eyes, the the man said "Let yourself fall into the earth"...
My breath flowing out let me fall deeper and deeper. I was restless at first, trying to relax to the abrasive sounds of the healing didge, which were unlike the more melodic sounds we usually hear from Aboriginal educators who come to schools and cultural centres. I kept opening my eyes to make sure I was still in the room, and my friends were still there. My closed eye visuals were confusing and full of colour. But after a while, I was deep within myself. Deeper than I had ever been before. My breathing was so slow, and with every breath, I felt my body let go of tension. And after the bodily tension was gone, my breathing was penetrating my very inner layer. My whole being was opened by my breath, my inner self expanding and expanding. I was seeing and feeling places so deep within my self that I was sure would take YEARS to access without the help of the LSD (which I like to think of as a spiritual lubricant). My breath finally reached a tiny red tent like structure right at the middle of my being. I was sure this was me, hiding away in there. By now, I had forgotten I was even on LSD, or that I was at yemaya festival, or that there was time. I was now in the deepest meditative state I had ever experienced.
It was about now that the didgeridoo sounds "clicked" into my body. I had started letting go of control and trusting, and my deep breathing had allowed the sound to enter my being and start healing me. But to heal, you first need to get the dirt out. I started seeing all this dark stuff being scraped out of the particles that I consisted of. I was far more than a 3-dimensional matrix, a vast rainbow pixellated like structure that was woven into the space around me and beyond. The didge sounds were like rakes on my being. It kept raking and raking the soul crap into a pile, until a climax was reached and the sounds gently brought us back down, releasing it all, and bringing us back for another round. I surrendered to the sounds which were now making my body arch and twitch, and my breathing got faster as the energy rushed through me and whirlpooled out, taking all the stagnant stuff with it. My gut even churned as if the didge was cleaning out my physical body! I had never experienced healing like this before. When doing more gentle, subtle healing in my old psychic development class, we were told that stuff would come up for us as it was released, but this was like everything was released through me at once. It was super intensive, and there was no denying that it was real.
All of this was uncomfortable at first, I had never experienced anything like this before, nor trusted anything to come so far into my being. I hadn't even seen this much of me before! My body is so much more than anything I could have ever dreamed of. On the very inside, it is as big as the sky, and all of this is contained deep deep deep inside the very center of me. But I never looked! We're always too scared to look, afraid of who we are and afraid of what we might discover. But by letting go and relaxing everything, I was able to peek in, and eventually, let the healing right into me at a deep soul level. I could feel the transformation happening. The didgeridoo reached right into my soul and pulled out chunks of darkness like they were thorns embedded deep into the skin. Now that I had gotten used to it, and I could literally see how beneficial this was for me, I could have stayed there for hours. But eventually I had to get up.
I got up way too fast, like when your alarm wrenches you out of a super deep sleep. I pulled myself out of the deepest parts of me, stood up, literally stumbled out of the healing space, disoriented, and was gasping from the intensity of the healing. It took me a while to be able to think clearly again but the most amazing thing I was feeling that I was VERY grounded. I was right into my body, I could feel every part of it and could feel my feet on the ground. This is a huge deal for me, as a double Aquarius who spends most of her time in her head and the sky. I was stomping my feet on the ground like it was the best feeling ever! And it was - I have NEVER felt to connected to my body, and the earth beneath it. Just, wow.
I was pretty spent and we all wanted to chill away from the intense energies of the party, so we all went back to our campsite. To my surprise, it was only 10pm. My estimate at this point was 3am or 4am. Long story short, I stayed up all night chatting with my dearest friends. I had a sleep, and in the morning, as I walked into the bush, the sun greeted me. I felt it all over my skin, bathing me in warmth. I walked, feeling all the movement in my legs and feeling the solid earth beneath my boots. I took my sweet time, gently stretching in the morning sunlight. So much peace filled me in all the places I had discovered the night before, in all the places that darkness had been removed from. I felt bigger, expansive, and deeply relaxed.
Later that day, I tried to sleep again. It didn't work, so I spent a good couple of hours just lying on my back in my tent, breathing deeply and stretching. I took my time that I never had before, and I stretched my body like I never had before, feeling every stretch as deep as it went, and observing how my body thanked me for it, for taking my time.
That's what I learnt at Yemaya. To take my time, like Yin, like the feminine, which is slow, and gentle, and soft. I learnt how to fully embrace myself, like a loving mother; embracing my body, my whole being, and embracing the chance to heal.
I learnt to yield, to be vulnerable, to let go, accept and receive. Like the vagina yields to the male, yield to the present moment; accept it, embrace it. Let yourself breathe, let yourself relax, and slow down.
Breathing IS acceptance! The deeper the breath, the deeper the acceptance. Slow down, breathe, and accept every part of yourself. Accepting is connecting... Slow down, breathe, and connect to your body and to the Earth. Allow yourself to feel, and be vulnerable, even though it is scary... Allow yourself to receive love and healing with grace, even though it is scary... Allow yourself to let go of control, even though it is scary!
When you let go, when you become soft, when you embrace all that is Yin, the feminine, you literally open yourself up to possibilities, knowledge, love and peace.
You open yourself up to YOU.
Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychology. Show all posts
Thursday, 14 May 2015
Saturday, 20 September 2014
Sin and forgiveness
If you take the offical version of God to be true, then when you confess, you are confessing to a loving deity who will immediately release you and fill you with forgiveness. If you take God as I described it in my last post, then when you confess, you are admitting to the core of your being that you did something wrong. This is how I confess. I feel the guilt heavy in my gut, and I say to myself with no words, "alright, I did the wrong thing.. what now?"
The difficult thing about my type of confession is that it takes work to be forgiven. First you have to truly recognize and feel what you have done. Then you have to find the strength and love to let go of that feeling. You don't just say sorry and then your remorse is magically scooped up by the light and taken away. You have to fight your way past the ego, and the ego does not forgive. It wants you to suffer so you remember the pain you have caused yourself and others. This may be a protection mechanism, but it only holds you back from liberating yourself. Once you access the God self, the part of you that is everything, the part of you that loves you and knows you are worth unconditional love, you can forgive yourself and you can can finally let go of the past. You are freed from the pain by forgiveness, but you'll never forget that lesson. The day you can remember the lesson and not feel the shame and misery is the day you have truly forgiven yourself.
The thing about this is, how would psychopaths confess, if they don't feel deeply for what they have done? If they can't confess, they can't be forgiven. In my opinion, psychopaths, who have different brain structures in the areas of emotion and empathy, are the furthest removed people from their true selves. They are so far removed that they cannot even recognize when they have hurt another being, a being who in truth has always been part of them. They are so far removed that they would not ever be able to find a true and lasting love for themselves or anyone else. I wonder how a spiritual being could get so far away from themselves. I guess if you have had a parent with pain, or if your own life pain was so deep that it was unbearable to feel, then the ego would block out anything and everything to protect yourself. Even if it means blocking out your emotions, a release and expression of your energy. And the further they fall, the harder it is to feel again, and they become living demons; a human image of their dark, black hole energy. And you can see it in their eyes, the light has been extinguished.
I'm glad I'm not a psychopath, but I see why they exist. Feelings are hard to feel sometimes. Especially those of remorse and guilt. You can see why their ego protects them from it when you have felt it. I feel terribly guilty for a lot of things I have done, and somehow cannot find it within me to forgive myself for some of them. Maybe it is because I have not received forgiveness from the other person or being. I feel if they are still hurting then I cannot forgive myself. But being attached to their pain isn't doing me any favors. If anything it is probably binding them to their own pain at a deeper level. Still doesn't help, it is like my mind thinks I need to be punished.
Now that I think about it that is such a common mentality in western society... we want to see people suffer for what they have done. We see it as justice. We say "they deserve it". And the reason we can't forgive ourselves is because we treat ourselves the same as we treat others. Deep down we think we need to suffer for the pain we have caused others, rather than being loved and forgiven. Maybe the reason I beat myself up so much is because that's what I've been taught is right.
That is actually pretty messed up.
I guess that's why Buddhism focuses so much on compassion; compassion and forgiveness for others will help us liberate ourselves from our own guilt.
I think it's time to exercise that long lost spiritual muscle, and learn to forgive myself.
Thursday, 12 June 2014
Highs and lows
So I had my first "bad" week this week. I decided to try and take pills for the first time since I went off my antidepressants. The partying was amazing and full of love but I have been paying for it all this week with a big trip right into a depression pit.
Of course it has been a terrible week full of crushing darkness but today I can finally see the light again. It has been a hell of a learning experience too. I think the most important thing I learnt was no matter what activities I'm doing, I need to remember to keep up everything else that is important in my lifestyle - mainly eating healthy and nourishing foods, and keeping my surroundings clutter free. It's one thing to mess with your brain chemistry, but it's entirely another to mess with your brain chemistry and throw all other coping mechanisms out the window. I am convinced my diet has played a huge part in how happy I've been recently... especially considering that I developed anxiety and depression around the time that I started skipping meals.
Of course the drugs played the main role in this scenario, throwing me off balance and unable to go home, hence the shitty diet. So I'm not so sure that I will be choosing to participate in such activities for a while. And when (inevitably) I decide to do so again, I will be mapping out a safety net and bringing a whole fridge of food with me to wherever it is I'll be.
So I've had an interesting insight about serotonin the past couple of weeks as well. I have noticed that I have become extremely sensitive in my emotions since my antidepressants have well and truly exited my system. Not just negative emotions, positive ones too. I feel more connected and emotionally responsive to cues. For example, when I see someone do something nice or someone gives me a compliment, I feel a pang of emotion. It's easy to shake off but it's like something has hit me right in the heart. I don't remember having this kind of thing ever in my life except for the brief euphoria period after I quit everyday pot smoking. Removing the smokescreen of pot is extremely similar to removing the bubble of antidepressants. I am a bare me. Life has gotten a lot more raw and real. It has been truly amazing.
So anyway, back to the serotonin, psychologists don't really know exactly how it works in the brain and in relation to mental illness... Antidepressants were discovered by accident- and because they elevated mood levels, the theory of mental illness became that it was caused by an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Mainly serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. The most popular antidepressants target serotonin. Recently, I have come to disagree with this theory. It's my opinion that my own natural serotonin levels don't make me depressed, they make me more sensitive, and therefore more prone to depression. But also more prone to periods of intense gratitude and positive emotion. Higher levels of serotonin did NOT make me more "happy", they made me less emotional. Less creative. Less connected.
Serotonin is a complex thing. LSD affects serotonin and norepinephrine levels just like antidepressants, yet scientists are not sure why it affects our perception the way it does (it does not make me feel like I'm on antidepressants, that's for sure!) MDMA also affects serotonin but it again, affects moods differently to antidepressants. Antidepressants certainly didn't make me feel warm and fuzzy and creative! These drugs actually make me feel extremely connected and sensitive, the opposite of what higher serotonin levels have done to me when induced by antidepressants.... So serotonin is a bit crazy and we may never find out exactly what it does. But in the context of natural levels, I don't think that low levels necessarily mean someone is going to be depressed, and that high levels mean that someone is going to be happier. I do think though, that extreme levels outside the middle zone, such as the extreme low I had this week and the mania that I had when my antidepressant dose was too high, can make us very out of touch with our reality. As with everything, balance is the key.
So excuse me as I go and cry over an article about strangers doing nice things for each other... This feeling is why I will never go on antidepressants again even if it gets worse than this week did... and it most likely will at some point.
Peace
Of course it has been a terrible week full of crushing darkness but today I can finally see the light again. It has been a hell of a learning experience too. I think the most important thing I learnt was no matter what activities I'm doing, I need to remember to keep up everything else that is important in my lifestyle - mainly eating healthy and nourishing foods, and keeping my surroundings clutter free. It's one thing to mess with your brain chemistry, but it's entirely another to mess with your brain chemistry and throw all other coping mechanisms out the window. I am convinced my diet has played a huge part in how happy I've been recently... especially considering that I developed anxiety and depression around the time that I started skipping meals.
Of course the drugs played the main role in this scenario, throwing me off balance and unable to go home, hence the shitty diet. So I'm not so sure that I will be choosing to participate in such activities for a while. And when (inevitably) I decide to do so again, I will be mapping out a safety net and bringing a whole fridge of food with me to wherever it is I'll be.
So I've had an interesting insight about serotonin the past couple of weeks as well. I have noticed that I have become extremely sensitive in my emotions since my antidepressants have well and truly exited my system. Not just negative emotions, positive ones too. I feel more connected and emotionally responsive to cues. For example, when I see someone do something nice or someone gives me a compliment, I feel a pang of emotion. It's easy to shake off but it's like something has hit me right in the heart. I don't remember having this kind of thing ever in my life except for the brief euphoria period after I quit everyday pot smoking. Removing the smokescreen of pot is extremely similar to removing the bubble of antidepressants. I am a bare me. Life has gotten a lot more raw and real. It has been truly amazing.
So anyway, back to the serotonin, psychologists don't really know exactly how it works in the brain and in relation to mental illness... Antidepressants were discovered by accident- and because they elevated mood levels, the theory of mental illness became that it was caused by an imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain. Mainly serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. The most popular antidepressants target serotonin. Recently, I have come to disagree with this theory. It's my opinion that my own natural serotonin levels don't make me depressed, they make me more sensitive, and therefore more prone to depression. But also more prone to periods of intense gratitude and positive emotion. Higher levels of serotonin did NOT make me more "happy", they made me less emotional. Less creative. Less connected.
Serotonin is a complex thing. LSD affects serotonin and norepinephrine levels just like antidepressants, yet scientists are not sure why it affects our perception the way it does (it does not make me feel like I'm on antidepressants, that's for sure!) MDMA also affects serotonin but it again, affects moods differently to antidepressants. Antidepressants certainly didn't make me feel warm and fuzzy and creative! These drugs actually make me feel extremely connected and sensitive, the opposite of what higher serotonin levels have done to me when induced by antidepressants.... So serotonin is a bit crazy and we may never find out exactly what it does. But in the context of natural levels, I don't think that low levels necessarily mean someone is going to be depressed, and that high levels mean that someone is going to be happier. I do think though, that extreme levels outside the middle zone, such as the extreme low I had this week and the mania that I had when my antidepressant dose was too high, can make us very out of touch with our reality. As with everything, balance is the key.
So excuse me as I go and cry over an article about strangers doing nice things for each other... This feeling is why I will never go on antidepressants again even if it gets worse than this week did... and it most likely will at some point.
Peace
Friday, 30 May 2014
Progress
Before I start my next blog post, I feel that I should address the fact that my two last blog posts severely contradicted each other. All I can say about this is that it shows that even though I think I am fairly insightful, I still find it hard to distinguish between head and heart, and hard to recognise what I really need for myself. It also shows how you can find reasons for any point of view if you try hard enough!! Holding two opposing points of view is really tough and that's something I'm struggling with in my journey, as I am both spiritual and learning psychology. There are a lot of contradictions between my beliefs as a result of the influence of these domains in my life, but when I follow my heart and gut instinct rather than strictly follow the books, that's where the magic happens, and that's where I can learn new things and make an influence on the psychology field in my own way.
Anyway, so onward and forward. I am going really well off my anti-depressants. I have had two incidents in the past two weeks where my thoughts have overwhelmed me. One was at work, I was still training and someone called in sick so I had to man reception by myself. I tried to juggle many customers and phone calls at once while trying to find answers to questions I didn't know. I gave a old disabled man the wrong directions and he was very grumpy. Then my coworker got annoyed at me for doing something wrong and I just went in the back and cried. After that my coworker gave me a big talk on how I should say 'no' to people and do what feels right for me, so that was nice... so I learnt a lot that day, I learnt how to recognise when I'm getting stressed, to take time out to have a breathe even if it's really busy, and that I don't need to answer everything, it's fine to say 'I don't know!'
After this, nothing negative came up for a while, but I prepared myself because I knew that life was always going to bring a challenge. Then the other incident was just this week; I was tired after a couple of days of demanding work and my thoughts started to overwhelm me a bit. I got caught up in the storm of worry and started feeling depressed and frustrated at my closest friends. I knew it was irrational at the time but I'm sure most of you would know how hard it is to get yourself on the outside of a thought storm once you're stuck right in the middle! Anyway, I texted my friends and promptly dropped my phone in the toilet, so I never got my answer. This issue came up again the next morning while I was working for my mum, and I was on the verge of tears for a good hour and a half worrying about what I had imagined in my head about my friends. I got to the point where I was like - okay, what can I do about this. Then my brain started telling me that I was too upset, I should tell my mum and go home. I noticed that thinking this repeatedly was making me even more upset!! So I struggled for a bit until I found my way out - I told myself that my mind was telling me the 'I can't do it story' and that they were just words - words can't hurt me, and they certainly aren't always true. Once I got my head around that, I focused on why I was there that day, I was there to help my mum and my other coworkers out because they were short of staff. By changing my view of my thoughts and also feeling that this wasn't about me, it was about my care for my mum, the storm in my head quickly quietened. I had no thoughts on this for the rest of the day, and got on with my work as I usually would.
The thing that helped me the most with this situation was a book called "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris. It's based on a psychological therapy called ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), and it was worked for me soooo much better than CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I got given this book back in highschool as a reward for good marks. And this week it has saved my ass! I highly recommend this book. It's easy to understand and makes sense for everyday life. It make take a tad longer to be able to implement the skills if you haven't been learning mindfulness like I have for a while, but it is well worth the read. On that note, studying buddhist teachings is also an amazing resource. An app called "Radio Dharma" is a great resource if you can sit still and listen for an hour. I usually listen to it in the car!
So other than that everything has been quite smooth. I have continued with all my activities including yoga, kung fu and new meditation classes, have not missed a day of work and still haven't had a coffee in a month, and not even a puff of a cigarette for even longer. (As these substances raise the heart rate and in turn, increase anxiety). This is such a difference from how I handled my depression and anxiety years ago when I would have just stayed in bed and quit things at the first negative thought. Even though I let it overwhelm me a bit I have managed to maintain my base positive attitude and enjoy most of the day, every day! Boo-yah!!
I haven't yet met up with my psychologist, but I'm so excited to tell her how I'm going and what skills have been helping :)
Thanks for reading, if you have any questions please shoot me a comment or a facebook message (if you know who I am!)
Peace
Anyway, so onward and forward. I am going really well off my anti-depressants. I have had two incidents in the past two weeks where my thoughts have overwhelmed me. One was at work, I was still training and someone called in sick so I had to man reception by myself. I tried to juggle many customers and phone calls at once while trying to find answers to questions I didn't know. I gave a old disabled man the wrong directions and he was very grumpy. Then my coworker got annoyed at me for doing something wrong and I just went in the back and cried. After that my coworker gave me a big talk on how I should say 'no' to people and do what feels right for me, so that was nice... so I learnt a lot that day, I learnt how to recognise when I'm getting stressed, to take time out to have a breathe even if it's really busy, and that I don't need to answer everything, it's fine to say 'I don't know!'
After this, nothing negative came up for a while, but I prepared myself because I knew that life was always going to bring a challenge. Then the other incident was just this week; I was tired after a couple of days of demanding work and my thoughts started to overwhelm me a bit. I got caught up in the storm of worry and started feeling depressed and frustrated at my closest friends. I knew it was irrational at the time but I'm sure most of you would know how hard it is to get yourself on the outside of a thought storm once you're stuck right in the middle! Anyway, I texted my friends and promptly dropped my phone in the toilet, so I never got my answer. This issue came up again the next morning while I was working for my mum, and I was on the verge of tears for a good hour and a half worrying about what I had imagined in my head about my friends. I got to the point where I was like - okay, what can I do about this. Then my brain started telling me that I was too upset, I should tell my mum and go home. I noticed that thinking this repeatedly was making me even more upset!! So I struggled for a bit until I found my way out - I told myself that my mind was telling me the 'I can't do it story' and that they were just words - words can't hurt me, and they certainly aren't always true. Once I got my head around that, I focused on why I was there that day, I was there to help my mum and my other coworkers out because they were short of staff. By changing my view of my thoughts and also feeling that this wasn't about me, it was about my care for my mum, the storm in my head quickly quietened. I had no thoughts on this for the rest of the day, and got on with my work as I usually would.
The thing that helped me the most with this situation was a book called "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris. It's based on a psychological therapy called ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), and it was worked for me soooo much better than CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy). I got given this book back in highschool as a reward for good marks. And this week it has saved my ass! I highly recommend this book. It's easy to understand and makes sense for everyday life. It make take a tad longer to be able to implement the skills if you haven't been learning mindfulness like I have for a while, but it is well worth the read. On that note, studying buddhist teachings is also an amazing resource. An app called "Radio Dharma" is a great resource if you can sit still and listen for an hour. I usually listen to it in the car!
So other than that everything has been quite smooth. I have continued with all my activities including yoga, kung fu and new meditation classes, have not missed a day of work and still haven't had a coffee in a month, and not even a puff of a cigarette for even longer. (As these substances raise the heart rate and in turn, increase anxiety). This is such a difference from how I handled my depression and anxiety years ago when I would have just stayed in bed and quit things at the first negative thought. Even though I let it overwhelm me a bit I have managed to maintain my base positive attitude and enjoy most of the day, every day! Boo-yah!!
I haven't yet met up with my psychologist, but I'm so excited to tell her how I'm going and what skills have been helping :)
Thanks for reading, if you have any questions please shoot me a comment or a facebook message (if you know who I am!)
Peace
Sunday, 30 March 2014
Accepting happiness
Hello all, it's been a while. With a mind like a leap frog, it's hard to stay on topic long enough to write a blog post. But I feel I should get back to writing because I have learnt a lot in the past couple of months that could be useful to anyone who reads this.
In the last week, I realized that I need to learn to cope with feelings of happiness. Sounds strange, as happiness is obviously the greatest, so why would anyone run from it? It's complicated for me. I am still coming to terms with being on anti-depressants, after about 5 years of taking them. My mum thinks that drugs bring "artificial happiness", and that is my subconscious view of my "happy pills". I think, for me, the term "happy pills" brings with it a judgement that my happiness comes purely from the pills.
I have gone off them a few times (without professional permission- never do this) due to reaching a nice happy plateau, and feeling like I didn't need them anymore. I was about to do the same this week, when I received some advice from a friend who is studying mental health, drugs and alcohol. This advice brought me down to earth from my illusion cloud.
Since I have gotten really into Buddhism lately, I thought that my stability of happiness meant I was ready to use my coping mechanisms on a lower dose. Subtle feelings of irritability and instability started to creep through, and I told my friend about it, and she advised me that my prescription is meant to level out a real, solid, chemical deficiency in my brain (something my psychologist thinks is the cause for my mental health issues), not to "make" me happy. She said that my pills bring me to a level playing field, that of someone with a healthy amount of neurochemicals... which is true. But at first, like always, I thought, no, I should be able to live without taking these pills every day. Something about being able to be happy "naturally" is appealing to me, it meant I will have attained it without help. But after a bit of internal reasoning, I realized that it is my ego that wants me to live without the pills. It's the ego that tells me that happiness isn't real if it comes from a pill, that I haven't earnt it, so I don't deserve it. But when I think about it rationally, qualified professionals put me on this stuff, and as a future psychologist, there is no way I would ever advise one of my clients to taper off their pills just because they finally feel normal and can enjoy life again, and there is no way that I would ever view them any less for taking them. So why do I treat myself more harshly than I would with anyone else?
With my high standards for myself, it is hard for me to accept that it is my own happiness that is coming through now. It's hard for me to accept that I am not on a mind-altering drug, that I need my medication for my mental health as much as a diabetic needs their insulin, or someone with cholesterol problems needs their statins. Because of the stigma of mental health, the dependence on medication makes me feel weak, that I am cheating my way to happiness, that my happiness is artificial. I feel that I haven't worked hard for my happiness, and I want to earn it rather than it come easy, so I can feel like I have accomplished something. This view prevents me from fully owning my positive feelings and taking responsibility for the good that has come of my life. But as my friend made me realize, I have worked hard for my happiness. I have gone through some of the shittest things and come out alive. I have kicked addictions, physical and mental; I have trained my brain to be more rational and tolerant with buddhist teachings; I have learnt to enjoy my own company in the absence of my boyfriend. I finished year 12 with high grades despite horrible anxiety, and I have a bachelor's degree in psychology, despite all the times I wanted to give up.
So I think that instead of challenging myself with tapering off my meds, I will challenge myself to do what I would advise anyone else to do: accept my happiness as it is, and to come to terms with the possibility that I may be on these meds for most or the rest of my life. Even in my happy state, that is a big load that I need to process. A huge part of my ego needs to be worked on in order to be proud of myself and feel that I deserve this happiness, and to maintain that feeling in the face of any internal conflict. And it's very important that I am able to come to terms with this, so that I can set a good example for my future clients who will very likely have the same concerns with anti-depressants.
I think this must be a common thing. Just like people find it hard to accept compliments, it is hard to accept that you are responsible for your own happiness and the good things that come out of your life. But really, if you accept help or advice on a project, does this negate any credit you should receive for your hard work? If you take pain meds to get through surgery, does it make you weak? If you use a walking stick to help you stand, does it make you lazy?
I've learnt that it's not about how many tools you use to help you. It's about how you use those tools - as a crutch, or to help you achieve autonomy. It's a very different thing to rely on something to do the work for you, than to use it to help you achieve something important. Taking anti-depressants doesn't make me weak, it means that I am brave enough to embrace happiness, and that I recognize that I am not a victim; that I have the power to change my life... I just have a little (but very real) handicap ;)
Much love and peace,
Katie.
In the last week, I realized that I need to learn to cope with feelings of happiness. Sounds strange, as happiness is obviously the greatest, so why would anyone run from it? It's complicated for me. I am still coming to terms with being on anti-depressants, after about 5 years of taking them. My mum thinks that drugs bring "artificial happiness", and that is my subconscious view of my "happy pills". I think, for me, the term "happy pills" brings with it a judgement that my happiness comes purely from the pills.
I have gone off them a few times (without professional permission- never do this) due to reaching a nice happy plateau, and feeling like I didn't need them anymore. I was about to do the same this week, when I received some advice from a friend who is studying mental health, drugs and alcohol. This advice brought me down to earth from my illusion cloud.
Since I have gotten really into Buddhism lately, I thought that my stability of happiness meant I was ready to use my coping mechanisms on a lower dose. Subtle feelings of irritability and instability started to creep through, and I told my friend about it, and she advised me that my prescription is meant to level out a real, solid, chemical deficiency in my brain (something my psychologist thinks is the cause for my mental health issues), not to "make" me happy. She said that my pills bring me to a level playing field, that of someone with a healthy amount of neurochemicals... which is true. But at first, like always, I thought, no, I should be able to live without taking these pills every day. Something about being able to be happy "naturally" is appealing to me, it meant I will have attained it without help. But after a bit of internal reasoning, I realized that it is my ego that wants me to live without the pills. It's the ego that tells me that happiness isn't real if it comes from a pill, that I haven't earnt it, so I don't deserve it. But when I think about it rationally, qualified professionals put me on this stuff, and as a future psychologist, there is no way I would ever advise one of my clients to taper off their pills just because they finally feel normal and can enjoy life again, and there is no way that I would ever view them any less for taking them. So why do I treat myself more harshly than I would with anyone else?
With my high standards for myself, it is hard for me to accept that it is my own happiness that is coming through now. It's hard for me to accept that I am not on a mind-altering drug, that I need my medication for my mental health as much as a diabetic needs their insulin, or someone with cholesterol problems needs their statins. Because of the stigma of mental health, the dependence on medication makes me feel weak, that I am cheating my way to happiness, that my happiness is artificial. I feel that I haven't worked hard for my happiness, and I want to earn it rather than it come easy, so I can feel like I have accomplished something. This view prevents me from fully owning my positive feelings and taking responsibility for the good that has come of my life. But as my friend made me realize, I have worked hard for my happiness. I have gone through some of the shittest things and come out alive. I have kicked addictions, physical and mental; I have trained my brain to be more rational and tolerant with buddhist teachings; I have learnt to enjoy my own company in the absence of my boyfriend. I finished year 12 with high grades despite horrible anxiety, and I have a bachelor's degree in psychology, despite all the times I wanted to give up.
So I think that instead of challenging myself with tapering off my meds, I will challenge myself to do what I would advise anyone else to do: accept my happiness as it is, and to come to terms with the possibility that I may be on these meds for most or the rest of my life. Even in my happy state, that is a big load that I need to process. A huge part of my ego needs to be worked on in order to be proud of myself and feel that I deserve this happiness, and to maintain that feeling in the face of any internal conflict. And it's very important that I am able to come to terms with this, so that I can set a good example for my future clients who will very likely have the same concerns with anti-depressants.
I think this must be a common thing. Just like people find it hard to accept compliments, it is hard to accept that you are responsible for your own happiness and the good things that come out of your life. But really, if you accept help or advice on a project, does this negate any credit you should receive for your hard work? If you take pain meds to get through surgery, does it make you weak? If you use a walking stick to help you stand, does it make you lazy?
I've learnt that it's not about how many tools you use to help you. It's about how you use those tools - as a crutch, or to help you achieve autonomy. It's a very different thing to rely on something to do the work for you, than to use it to help you achieve something important. Taking anti-depressants doesn't make me weak, it means that I am brave enough to embrace happiness, and that I recognize that I am not a victim; that I have the power to change my life... I just have a little (but very real) handicap ;)
Much love and peace,
Katie.
Saturday, 18 January 2014
Non-conformist guide to jealousy
I was thinking the other day about how easily I have kicked addictions in my past and very recently. In my (short) lifetime, I have kicked 4 addictions. Some substances, some actions/behaviours. Some physical and some mental addictions. Either way, as soon as I put my mind to it, I fucking aced it. I think it is because I have strong principles. As soon as I decide something is against my principles, I will abandon it.
Today, I realized that I still have an addiction to kill. This addiction is conformity.
For a while now, I have strongly considered myself a non-conformist. In fact one of my most highly-held principles is not letting others dictate what I do/say/wear etc. But a lot of the time I still do, because as a human being, and as an individual, I have high rejection-sensitivity and a need for approval from others.
For me, being non-conformist is a conscious decision. It is actually a lifestyle choice. But it's not just about deliberately being different just for the sake of it. Non-conformity is truly about not letting large-scale approval for something influence my actions. So if I like a band that everyone else likes, I am allowed to do so as long as I'm not just tricking myself into liking them because I will be included and accepted. And if I want to wear my crazy 60s patterned flare pants (which I will do so today at the risk of disapproval -which hurts sometimes!), I am allowed to do so as long as that is what will make my heart sing and my spirit soar.
This process is conscious, as I must always pinpoint the reasons behind any negative emotions and assess how to deal with the conflict between external pressures and my own values and beliefs. It is essentially fighting instinct, the survival instinct to fit in. This is a highly involved cognitive process which I am involved in every day, and it is not at all easy. The pressure of conformity is strong and relentless, and it is helped along by jealousy. Jealousy is the enemy of the non-conformist. It makes you look to others to decide what you want, instead of looking within. Jealousy is also a defense mechanism that makes it easy to regain self-confidence by putting another person down. It is disguised as pride, while it is really insecurity. As someone who considers themselves a good person, it is hard for me to admit that I do get jealous a lot. One thing I get jealous of (along with a lot of women) is other girls' bodies. To state the obvious, something that is highly valued in this increasingly online society is a fit body. Girls with these type of bodies like to put them on display, and obviously they never fall short of 'likes' and admiring comments. This high level of approval is what produces the jealousy, and pressures people to conform.
I see jealousy as giving me 3 options:
You might think option 1 would be an okay option because once I get a "hot body" (by someone else's standards), I'll stop hating on other chicks and stop criticizing myself... right? Well, not in my experience... My body is what it is and trying to change that was a hard battle that led to an even deeper self-hatred than I began with. Why? Because I couldn't be what I thought society wanted me to be, no matter how hard I tried. If I am reliant on others to approve of me in order to love myself, I will never love myself, because people will always hate me for something. However, if I cultivate love for myself from within, no matter what others are telling me to look like, then my self-confidence will be sustainable. I choose to love myself, but I cannot choose whether other people do. Self-love and self-awareness are the keys to non-conformity.
This is why I choose to be a non-conformist. It may be hard and I may have to dig up and battle against deep-seated insecurities. I may have to think a lot, and have debates with myself in my head. I may not have anyone to tell me that I'm right, to ease my doubts. It may seem that everyone is against me, and I may feel lonely and unsupported in my decisions. But in the words of Chris from Parks and Recreation, "I'm not lonely, I have myself". And as long as I work on becoming my own best friend, no large-scale influence should ever be able to tell me what I need or want.
Even jealousy comes with a blessing, as it can help me recognize how I can become my own best friend.
I'm going to start with the body love :)
Today, I realized that I still have an addiction to kill. This addiction is conformity.
For a while now, I have strongly considered myself a non-conformist. In fact one of my most highly-held principles is not letting others dictate what I do/say/wear etc. But a lot of the time I still do, because as a human being, and as an individual, I have high rejection-sensitivity and a need for approval from others.
For me, being non-conformist is a conscious decision. It is actually a lifestyle choice. But it's not just about deliberately being different just for the sake of it. Non-conformity is truly about not letting large-scale approval for something influence my actions. So if I like a band that everyone else likes, I am allowed to do so as long as I'm not just tricking myself into liking them because I will be included and accepted. And if I want to wear my crazy 60s patterned flare pants (which I will do so today at the risk of disapproval -which hurts sometimes!), I am allowed to do so as long as that is what will make my heart sing and my spirit soar.
This process is conscious, as I must always pinpoint the reasons behind any negative emotions and assess how to deal with the conflict between external pressures and my own values and beliefs. It is essentially fighting instinct, the survival instinct to fit in. This is a highly involved cognitive process which I am involved in every day, and it is not at all easy. The pressure of conformity is strong and relentless, and it is helped along by jealousy. Jealousy is the enemy of the non-conformist. It makes you look to others to decide what you want, instead of looking within. Jealousy is also a defense mechanism that makes it easy to regain self-confidence by putting another person down. It is disguised as pride, while it is really insecurity. As someone who considers themselves a good person, it is hard for me to admit that I do get jealous a lot. One thing I get jealous of (along with a lot of women) is other girls' bodies. To state the obvious, something that is highly valued in this increasingly online society is a fit body. Girls with these type of bodies like to put them on display, and obviously they never fall short of 'likes' and admiring comments. This high level of approval is what produces the jealousy, and pressures people to conform.
I see jealousy as giving me 3 options:
- You can change yourself to resemble the person that you're jealous of - therefore erasing the jealousy because you now will get the same approval (If you can't beat them, join them)
- You can keep being jealous but pretend you're not because that person is a skank and you are way better than them for not putting your boobs all over the internet (If you can't be them, destroy them)
- You can address the underlying insecurity, be confident in your own values and qualities, and let that person march to the beat of their own drum (Let go of needing approval)
You might think option 1 would be an okay option because once I get a "hot body" (by someone else's standards), I'll stop hating on other chicks and stop criticizing myself... right? Well, not in my experience... My body is what it is and trying to change that was a hard battle that led to an even deeper self-hatred than I began with. Why? Because I couldn't be what I thought society wanted me to be, no matter how hard I tried. If I am reliant on others to approve of me in order to love myself, I will never love myself, because people will always hate me for something. However, if I cultivate love for myself from within, no matter what others are telling me to look like, then my self-confidence will be sustainable. I choose to love myself, but I cannot choose whether other people do. Self-love and self-awareness are the keys to non-conformity.
This is why I choose to be a non-conformist. It may be hard and I may have to dig up and battle against deep-seated insecurities. I may have to think a lot, and have debates with myself in my head. I may not have anyone to tell me that I'm right, to ease my doubts. It may seem that everyone is against me, and I may feel lonely and unsupported in my decisions. But in the words of Chris from Parks and Recreation, "I'm not lonely, I have myself". And as long as I work on becoming my own best friend, no large-scale influence should ever be able to tell me what I need or want.
Even jealousy comes with a blessing, as it can help me recognize how I can become my own best friend.
I'm going to start with the body love :)
Monday, 23 December 2013
Why people scare me
Today I took this test on a UK Psychology magazine website. I love these kinds of tests because they aren't just crap tests people make up; they actually give me insight. I think I've mentioned this before but I pride myself on my deep insight to my own psyche, however sometimes it's enlightening to have an outsider's view.
In this case, the test confirmed what I already knew about my social anxiety, and gave me some solutions to the problem. Here is my result:
In this case, the test confirmed what I already knew about my social anxiety, and gave me some solutions to the problem. Here is my result:
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
All signs point to change
My mind is a madhouse at the moment! I feel like there are 1000s of
little mes reminding me of things to do, telling me about things that
would be interesting to think about, trying to correct my behaviour,
motivating me, demotivating me... My mind feels like when you walk into a
room full of people and all you can hear is the buzzing of chatter.
Everyone's voice melds into one. No wonder I'm so distracted.
I have always been like this, but moreso now that I'm so close to finishing my degree. I'm getting so excited at the prospect of freedom that I just want it NOW! As it put it to my dad, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to run towards it. This attitude is also resulting in the universe throwing so many signs at me, so many opportunities, that I just want to take now, but can't. One more month, one more month and I can do whatever I want, I just gotta hang in there!
Looking over the past 3 months, I am quite proud of myself, I have achieved an enormous amount over such a little time! I thought I was going to struggle so much with my boyfriend away. Funny that, the morning he left, I bawled my eyes out and smoked weed all day... and now, I am 10x stronger.
I've quit smoking cigarettes - I am now 60 days smoke free, apart from two slip-ups, one where I was drunk and another when I was stressed to the max... But the important thing is that I have persevered and learnt from those mistakes (learning relapse prevention in Cognitive psych has been extra useful). However, I never expected that I would still be craving at this point! Cigarettes are so, so nasty and addictive. I have also gone from an everyday stoner to a once-a-week smoker. I can't decide which is a greater achievement! I feel like a new person. As a result, I am doing things that don't involve smoking weed, like visiting my family more, seeing non-smokers who do non-smoking activities, spending time at home by myself, and applying for jobs as a result of my newfound confidence... I just cannot describe how the decision to cut down has changed my life. It's freed me up to do so many things, and FEEL so many things that I was missing out on!
My uni performance has also excelled - even though I stills struggle with stress and lack of freedom, my uni attendance this semester is the highest it has ever been. I rarely missed classes and have handed in all my assignments. This is probably due to increased mental health. I did almost dig myself into a negative hole at one point, but brought myself out of it in about an hour. This is the fastest reverse of depression/anxiety that I have ever experienced. (I did it by seeing it as a separate entity. I talked to it, and I asked it why it was trying to tell me all these negative things. It quickly disappeared... I highly recommend that you try this!) I have really gained a new perspective on things. Uni isn't that important. And as a result, I've done better at it. Ironic, huh?
As a whole, I feel so much more powerful as a person. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything, I can achieve anything. I don't know if mania is still affecting me or if this is my true self, I still have to figure that out... but it is important that I stay confident rather than doubting myself. I struggle with this a lot, I am always analyzing myself, trying to figure out why I'm so happy. Am I unconsciously blocking negative feelings because my attachment figure is unavailable? Am I experiencing mania due to my antidepressants? Is this my anxiety acting up in a positive way? I really can't wait to go off my anti-depressants when uni finishes, so I can find out who I truly am! Am I destined to always be this bubbly and annoyingly happy? We will soon find out! ;)
So those are most of my thoughts lately, or as many as I could catch out amidst the buzz and chatter of my mind. I'm sure more will pop up throughout the day, that I will intend to write about, but will disappear from memory as more thoughts take over...
Now, to finish my second last assignment!
The end is nigh :)
I have always been like this, but moreso now that I'm so close to finishing my degree. I'm getting so excited at the prospect of freedom that I just want it NOW! As it put it to my dad, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to run towards it. This attitude is also resulting in the universe throwing so many signs at me, so many opportunities, that I just want to take now, but can't. One more month, one more month and I can do whatever I want, I just gotta hang in there!
Looking over the past 3 months, I am quite proud of myself, I have achieved an enormous amount over such a little time! I thought I was going to struggle so much with my boyfriend away. Funny that, the morning he left, I bawled my eyes out and smoked weed all day... and now, I am 10x stronger.
I've quit smoking cigarettes - I am now 60 days smoke free, apart from two slip-ups, one where I was drunk and another when I was stressed to the max... But the important thing is that I have persevered and learnt from those mistakes (learning relapse prevention in Cognitive psych has been extra useful). However, I never expected that I would still be craving at this point! Cigarettes are so, so nasty and addictive. I have also gone from an everyday stoner to a once-a-week smoker. I can't decide which is a greater achievement! I feel like a new person. As a result, I am doing things that don't involve smoking weed, like visiting my family more, seeing non-smokers who do non-smoking activities, spending time at home by myself, and applying for jobs as a result of my newfound confidence... I just cannot describe how the decision to cut down has changed my life. It's freed me up to do so many things, and FEEL so many things that I was missing out on!
My uni performance has also excelled - even though I stills struggle with stress and lack of freedom, my uni attendance this semester is the highest it has ever been. I rarely missed classes and have handed in all my assignments. This is probably due to increased mental health. I did almost dig myself into a negative hole at one point, but brought myself out of it in about an hour. This is the fastest reverse of depression/anxiety that I have ever experienced. (I did it by seeing it as a separate entity. I talked to it, and I asked it why it was trying to tell me all these negative things. It quickly disappeared... I highly recommend that you try this!) I have really gained a new perspective on things. Uni isn't that important. And as a result, I've done better at it. Ironic, huh?
As a whole, I feel so much more powerful as a person. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything, I can achieve anything. I don't know if mania is still affecting me or if this is my true self, I still have to figure that out... but it is important that I stay confident rather than doubting myself. I struggle with this a lot, I am always analyzing myself, trying to figure out why I'm so happy. Am I unconsciously blocking negative feelings because my attachment figure is unavailable? Am I experiencing mania due to my antidepressants? Is this my anxiety acting up in a positive way? I really can't wait to go off my anti-depressants when uni finishes, so I can find out who I truly am! Am I destined to always be this bubbly and annoyingly happy? We will soon find out! ;)
So those are most of my thoughts lately, or as many as I could catch out amidst the buzz and chatter of my mind. I'm sure more will pop up throughout the day, that I will intend to write about, but will disappear from memory as more thoughts take over...
Now, to finish my second last assignment!
The end is nigh :)
Monday, 16 September 2013
Patience
I have a bit of an issue with time. When I want something, I want it now, or at least in the soonest possible time frame. This issue with time spreads across many different dimensions. When I was little, I watched my 2 minute noodles go around in the microwave. In high school, I wanted to be skinny straight away so I had to take the fastest possible route. Now, I am looking for the fastest possible way to achieve my first goal of being a counsellor.
I admit it, I expected that life was going to be a bit easier, that I would be able to get a job straight away. Recently, I downgraded those expectations. I now thought that I could do a part-time counselling degree for a year, as well as volunteer for a year, and THEN I would be able to get a job in my field. Upon applying for some volunteering roles, I discovered that training to be a helpline volunteer may take up to a year, and cost a shitload of money. Which I don't want to earn, because I'm sick of working a shit job that means nothing to me.
Well, it's time for me to harden up I think. But also, reprogram myself. I think my generation are so used to instant gratification (to the point where I will get pissed off if my iPhone lags- woop de doo), that we must have things now. Everything is so fast. I can find out answers to things on google within 30 seconds, I can pay bills within 5 minutes through internet banking, I don't even have to leave my bed to go shopping. We must definitely be the most impatient generation of humans to ever exist. So no wonder I'm somewhat of a lazy, self-entitled, giver-uperer. But I have resolved that I must not be a victim either.
So, patience. How may I develop patience? Well, meditation will probably help. And a new outlook. Maybe some self administered cognitive behavioural therapy. Yes I want a good job now, no it's not the end of the world that I will have to work an unfulfilling job for a couple more years. Yes I want to be a qualified something now, no it may not happen for a good couple of years either. Be realistic, but not pessimistic. This is my goal.
Still, I am scared. I am scared of having to face the prospect of failures. So maybe that is another reason for my overly optimistic attitude. "Unrealistic optimism", they call it, to avoid thinking about the horrible prospect of failure. I expect it will be easy, therefore I'm not that scared. But now, having to rearrange my gimme gimme gimme attitude into one of patience, perseverance and resilience, I'm going to have to face up to some failures. If I want to get anywhere, that is.
Oh life, how I love your challenges.
I admit it, I expected that life was going to be a bit easier, that I would be able to get a job straight away. Recently, I downgraded those expectations. I now thought that I could do a part-time counselling degree for a year, as well as volunteer for a year, and THEN I would be able to get a job in my field. Upon applying for some volunteering roles, I discovered that training to be a helpline volunteer may take up to a year, and cost a shitload of money. Which I don't want to earn, because I'm sick of working a shit job that means nothing to me.
Well, it's time for me to harden up I think. But also, reprogram myself. I think my generation are so used to instant gratification (to the point where I will get pissed off if my iPhone lags- woop de doo), that we must have things now. Everything is so fast. I can find out answers to things on google within 30 seconds, I can pay bills within 5 minutes through internet banking, I don't even have to leave my bed to go shopping. We must definitely be the most impatient generation of humans to ever exist. So no wonder I'm somewhat of a lazy, self-entitled, giver-uperer. But I have resolved that I must not be a victim either.
So, patience. How may I develop patience? Well, meditation will probably help. And a new outlook. Maybe some self administered cognitive behavioural therapy. Yes I want a good job now, no it's not the end of the world that I will have to work an unfulfilling job for a couple more years. Yes I want to be a qualified something now, no it may not happen for a good couple of years either. Be realistic, but not pessimistic. This is my goal.
Still, I am scared. I am scared of having to face the prospect of failures. So maybe that is another reason for my overly optimistic attitude. "Unrealistic optimism", they call it, to avoid thinking about the horrible prospect of failure. I expect it will be easy, therefore I'm not that scared. But now, having to rearrange my gimme gimme gimme attitude into one of patience, perseverance and resilience, I'm going to have to face up to some failures. If I want to get anywhere, that is.
Oh life, how I love your challenges.
Saturday, 10 August 2013
Another look at the Existential Givens
One of my earliest memories of self-talk, or thinking to myself, is one of Existential Isolation. Only today have I discovered this term and its meaning, and this memory came to mind.
I remember as a young girl, maybe 6? ...I thought it was younger, I'm not sure. It was probably when my sense of empathy began to develop, so around the age of 6-7. Every now and then I used become aware that I was looking at the world through my own eyes and I would say to myself, "This is MY life". This was the predominant thought, accompanied by the general sense of 'knowing' that other people were also living and experiencing life, but I would never see the world through anyone elses eyes. I wondered what they were seeing and why I could never see it. I must have been so unconsciously scared by the thought that another voice would always jump in and say "Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot".
As weird as this seemed to me at the time, this now holds a lot of significance to me. After reading about the 4 Existential givens/Ultimate concerns (mentioned in my last blog, see 'Love's Executioner' by Irvin D. Yalom), I realized that the voice that told me to shut up was protecting me from the concern of existential isolation. Existential isolation refers to the barrier that exists between the self and others, even in the presence of deep relationships. It is the fact that we are born alone and we die alone. This causes anxiety, and much like the other givens, we try to protect ourselves from this. A common way is to form a passionate relationship whereby we perceive that two become one. Yalom states that this attitude to a relationship is destined to cave, because we can never fully be one with another (at least in this physical form). This anxiety and how I use my relationships to combat it is definitely true for me, but I thought it was just because I haven't been so kind to myself in the past, and I am scared of how I will speak to myself when I am alone ("Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot" demonstrates this well!)... but this theory and my memory have opened me up to consider that a lot of my anxiety is about being alone, not just physically, but existentially.
Yesterday I was pondering about which attachment style I have (anxious - this theme pops up a lot in my life) and now I'm thinking about this. So many theories in psychology, so many possibilities. But nothing is concrete, I guess any explanation is a good one as long as it makes sense and helps with overcoming major problems in life!
Now that I think about it, Existential Theory is applied in a lot of places. Landmark Education (based on Scientology) did actually address the concerns that life is meaningless and that we have the freedom to live however we want. There was a great discussion about how we are responsible for everything that happens in our lives, and once we assume that responsibility rather than blaming it on external sources, we can free ourselves from our barriers and create our own meaning for our lives. That was probably the only good thing I got out of it, aside from learning how to spot a cult, and to be careful of self-help seminars as they will turn their beneficial learnings on you so you feel obligated to attend and fork out hundreds for future sessions...
Live and learn, every day.
I remember as a young girl, maybe 6? ...I thought it was younger, I'm not sure. It was probably when my sense of empathy began to develop, so around the age of 6-7. Every now and then I used become aware that I was looking at the world through my own eyes and I would say to myself, "This is MY life". This was the predominant thought, accompanied by the general sense of 'knowing' that other people were also living and experiencing life, but I would never see the world through anyone elses eyes. I wondered what they were seeing and why I could never see it. I must have been so unconsciously scared by the thought that another voice would always jump in and say "Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot".
As weird as this seemed to me at the time, this now holds a lot of significance to me. After reading about the 4 Existential givens/Ultimate concerns (mentioned in my last blog, see 'Love's Executioner' by Irvin D. Yalom), I realized that the voice that told me to shut up was protecting me from the concern of existential isolation. Existential isolation refers to the barrier that exists between the self and others, even in the presence of deep relationships. It is the fact that we are born alone and we die alone. This causes anxiety, and much like the other givens, we try to protect ourselves from this. A common way is to form a passionate relationship whereby we perceive that two become one. Yalom states that this attitude to a relationship is destined to cave, because we can never fully be one with another (at least in this physical form). This anxiety and how I use my relationships to combat it is definitely true for me, but I thought it was just because I haven't been so kind to myself in the past, and I am scared of how I will speak to myself when I am alone ("Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot" demonstrates this well!)... but this theory and my memory have opened me up to consider that a lot of my anxiety is about being alone, not just physically, but existentially.
Yesterday I was pondering about which attachment style I have (anxious - this theme pops up a lot in my life) and now I'm thinking about this. So many theories in psychology, so many possibilities. But nothing is concrete, I guess any explanation is a good one as long as it makes sense and helps with overcoming major problems in life!
Now that I think about it, Existential Theory is applied in a lot of places. Landmark Education (based on Scientology) did actually address the concerns that life is meaningless and that we have the freedom to live however we want. There was a great discussion about how we are responsible for everything that happens in our lives, and once we assume that responsibility rather than blaming it on external sources, we can free ourselves from our barriers and create our own meaning for our lives. That was probably the only good thing I got out of it, aside from learning how to spot a cult, and to be careful of self-help seminars as they will turn their beneficial learnings on you so you feel obligated to attend and fork out hundreds for future sessions...
Live and learn, every day.
Saturday, 3 August 2013
Healing
So I am in the hospital with my boyfriend today. Pretty much the day after I posted that blog, he texted me telling me he was in hospital with what they thought was a ruptured kidney. Later he was airlifted to a larger hospital, thankfully much closer to my house. Turns out he is ok and healing well.
So this could have come at a slightly better timing, since I was still distressed from the incident which prompted my not so friendly blog post. I feel bad about my anger but I think I handled it way better than I would have in the past. Letting out my anger in a constructive way was very helpful.
Unfortunately, more problems arose and I ended up being abused by the same people all Friday morning for a minor request, and it all got too much for me. I had a massive breakdown and left class to see a counsellor at uni. He was actually amazing, he did so much for me in that hour than any other psychologist had ever done, and he was still provisional. I am so grateful for his help as I have avoided slipping back into a highly negative state. I am still angry and hurt, but I am in no way depressed and have managed to maintain some of my Zen. Yay.
I am still pretty resentful today though, as I am in the hospital visiting my boyfriend, and these people decided to come and visit too. So I am bored, sitting in a cafe, writing this blog post, waiting for them to leave. I am trying my hardest to let go of this resentment, as it is draining me a lot and I am very aware that I am putting out negative energy. But as you can imagine my guard has gone right up and I'm not ready to open up and relax any time soon. Having an anxiety problem also doesn't help. Sigh. Baby steps I guess.
Maybe I should try and meditate or something.
Yesterday in my tute for Psychopathology, we discussed Existential Therapy. Apparently the case study (the Fat Lady Yalom case) presented this therapy in a negative light, but I was late and didn't read the case study, so I am very enthusiastic about reading more about this therapy technique. Apparently, it is based on the theory that inner conflict is due to 4 Existential Givens, or Ultimate Conerns in life. These are:
1. The inevitability of death
2. Freedom and associated responsibility
3. Existential Isolation and
4. Meaninglessness
Without having read anything about this, including any critiques, I am naturally drawn to this theory as I believe a lot of my own internal conflict is due to these existential givens. For example: today I am trying to let go of my anger because I feel that with freedom I must be responsible for my own emotions and reactions to events, but I am finding it hard to so. So this results in conflict. Also meaninglessness troubled me for a while there, like there was no point in life so what is the point in living, but now I have created my own meaning so it doesn't bother me that much anymore. The inevitability of death also creates conflict within me as I believe this is where a lot of my anxiety about work and uni comes from. In my mind there is no time to waste as I have limited time to enjoy my life, but as I have to succumb to these seemingly meaningless responsibilities (again freedom and responsibility comes in) which take up so much time, I get frustrated. I am not too sure about existential isolation as I'm not sure what it means exactly so I don't want to comment on it. Apparently it's the same as phenomenology. Forgot what that is too. I am hella tired.
Anyway, hopefully I will get to go back into the hospital room soon.
Thanks for reading guys, again I would appreciate if some positive vibes could be sent my way, and more importantly healing vibes for my boyfriends kidney!
Peace.
Thursday, 18 July 2013
What is normal?
On Tuesday I attended my first Disability, Diversity and Social Exclusion tutorial. Turns out that most of us doing this unit are psychology students. My tutor made a comment, "all you psychology students, going to change the world"... damn right we are. Eventually anyway, after 6 or more years of study!
She also said something else, something that came up for me during my mushroom trip last Friday night. "What is normal?" This question is asked of psychology students the moment we begin. We are actually taught common definitions of normal, how normal is measured. You know, because we like to categorize things. If you are acting in an accepted way, if you are part of a majority (socially, physically, whatever), or if you are deemed to function well (all 3 factors dependent on culture and context), then you or your behaviour could be described as 'normal'. What you do could be 'normal' in one culture or context but could be 'abnormal' in another.
As you'd expect I took a different take on it with shrooms in my belly. My mate said we should watch something 'normal'... my mind started racing as I asked the familiar question to myself: "What is normal?" Did he mean that he wanted to watch something we would usually watch, or did he want to watch 'normal' people, like reality shows? Are they even 'normal?' I don't think so... they seem pretty outrageous. Well, what do 'normal' people do? Were we going to watch a show where people sat around and had breakfast and went to work? Complained about traffic and workmates? Picked the kids up from school? What a boring show. I would rather watch something trippy. Would these TV people even think about stuff? Would they wonder what normal is? As I type this, the word 'normal' is losing its meaning. Is that normal? Does that happen to a majority of people? Is it specific to my culture? If so, which culture? Drug culture, Australian culture, language culture?
Life's endless questions...
I just looked up at my formatting toolbar for this blog and saw that 'normal' has been automatically selected for me. Blogger assumes that we all want normal as well...
So I started another subject, Social Psychology of Relationships. And get this... one of my unit learning objectives is "to observe and code behaviour"... Yes, I will be doing more categorizing, but I will be learning how to read you guys! Be afraid!
My lecturer made the point that whenever he says he is a psychologist, people always ask "Oh can you read my mind?"... I actually get that a lot too. We don't mind read but turns out we watch your every move... Seriously though, I am really excited that I will be learning something useful, something practical that will assist me in my relationships and my career :)
A last thing I will leave you with for now is another point my lecturer made... That the way in which you code behaviour, depends on the lens you observe it through.
Have a think about how your lens affects the way you see things, that other people may see differently...
My aim, as a future psychologist, is to have a neutral lens... Or at least an educated one.
Educated is the only way to gain a wider perspective, and a wider lens.
Now the word 'lens' has also lost meaning.
Time for bed.
She also said something else, something that came up for me during my mushroom trip last Friday night. "What is normal?" This question is asked of psychology students the moment we begin. We are actually taught common definitions of normal, how normal is measured. You know, because we like to categorize things. If you are acting in an accepted way, if you are part of a majority (socially, physically, whatever), or if you are deemed to function well (all 3 factors dependent on culture and context), then you or your behaviour could be described as 'normal'. What you do could be 'normal' in one culture or context but could be 'abnormal' in another.
As you'd expect I took a different take on it with shrooms in my belly. My mate said we should watch something 'normal'... my mind started racing as I asked the familiar question to myself: "What is normal?" Did he mean that he wanted to watch something we would usually watch, or did he want to watch 'normal' people, like reality shows? Are they even 'normal?' I don't think so... they seem pretty outrageous. Well, what do 'normal' people do? Were we going to watch a show where people sat around and had breakfast and went to work? Complained about traffic and workmates? Picked the kids up from school? What a boring show. I would rather watch something trippy. Would these TV people even think about stuff? Would they wonder what normal is? As I type this, the word 'normal' is losing its meaning. Is that normal? Does that happen to a majority of people? Is it specific to my culture? If so, which culture? Drug culture, Australian culture, language culture?
Life's endless questions...
I just looked up at my formatting toolbar for this blog and saw that 'normal' has been automatically selected for me. Blogger assumes that we all want normal as well...
So I started another subject, Social Psychology of Relationships. And get this... one of my unit learning objectives is "to observe and code behaviour"... Yes, I will be doing more categorizing, but I will be learning how to read you guys! Be afraid!
My lecturer made the point that whenever he says he is a psychologist, people always ask "Oh can you read my mind?"... I actually get that a lot too. We don't mind read but turns out we watch your every move... Seriously though, I am really excited that I will be learning something useful, something practical that will assist me in my relationships and my career :)
A last thing I will leave you with for now is another point my lecturer made... That the way in which you code behaviour, depends on the lens you observe it through.
Have a think about how your lens affects the way you see things, that other people may see differently...
My aim, as a future psychologist, is to have a neutral lens... Or at least an educated one.
Educated is the only way to gain a wider perspective, and a wider lens.
Now the word 'lens' has also lost meaning.
Time for bed.
Monday, 15 July 2013
Getting to know me and my nut
So my name is Katie and I am a 3rd year Psychology student.
Welcome to what is my 5th blog if I remember correctly. I'm only 21, but I have been writing journals and blogs since I was 9 years old. That makes this my 12th year of writing.... am I a veteran yet?
I should start by introducing who I am and why I am writing this blog.
So as I've stated I am a psychology student. Ever since I had to pick a career in high school, I have been all about psychology. There is nothing else I would want to be studying at all. I hate studying, but I love learning. I like to do things on my own terms.
Anyway, I got into psychology because of my own mental problems. People have said to me that psychology students are a 'bunch of weirdos' and I have to say I agree. I doubt any well adjusted person would be as interested in how the mind works as we are. I began my degree intending to help adolescents with eating disorders and depression. I am still interested in this field but my fascination has stretched into other areas such as sexuality, meditation and spirituality, and mind-altering substances. Right now I am in a massive psychedelic phase where all I want to do is trip out, paint and figure out the nature of humanity and the universe we reside in. Why are we here? That's what I want to know.
There is also more to me than psychology. I play music and sing, I read, I write, I paint, I draw, I meditate...
I love cats, fresh fruit juice, family, my friends and my boyfriend, food that doesn't have numbers in it, hippy pants, comfy clothes, clubbing, space documentaries I am a firm believer in the power of nature. I like to let my spirit sing and soar free.
I try not to hate, but I'm not perfect. So I hate money, capitalism, greed, social exclusion, large companies, bigotry and bureaucracy.
I stand for the rights of the LGBTIQ community, mother Earth, small businesses, animals, women and all those who are oppressed for speaking the truth.
Again, I am not perfect, so I may deviate from my core values every now and then. The important thing is that I recognise it and rectify it ASAP! Every slip up, mistake and every challenge life throws at me is another chance to become a better person, more adaptable, strong and independent.
The largest challenge I face at the moment is my boyfriend of (almost) 3 years going to work in the snow for 3 months. This is my main reason for starting this blog. I actually hate spending time with myself, which stems from a history of self-hatred, loneliness and just generally having a shit time unless I was distracted from my own thoughts. This challenge is probably the only chance I will get to build my independence and regain my self love, as I have no one to fall back on, or spend 24/7 with just so I don't have to face myself. It's been a week. And this blog will document my journey towards being content with my own company, as well as my thoughts about the things I learn in my last semester of my undergraduate Psych degree.
Thanks for reading, I hope you'll all join me for what will probably (hopefully?) be an interesting blog on my lectures at uni tomorrow. I am starting Diversity, Disability and Social Exclusion, Cognition and Behaviour, Social Psychology of Relationships, and Psychopathology.
Should be a good semester :)
Welcome to what is my 5th blog if I remember correctly. I'm only 21, but I have been writing journals and blogs since I was 9 years old. That makes this my 12th year of writing.... am I a veteran yet?
I should start by introducing who I am and why I am writing this blog.
So as I've stated I am a psychology student. Ever since I had to pick a career in high school, I have been all about psychology. There is nothing else I would want to be studying at all. I hate studying, but I love learning. I like to do things on my own terms.
Anyway, I got into psychology because of my own mental problems. People have said to me that psychology students are a 'bunch of weirdos' and I have to say I agree. I doubt any well adjusted person would be as interested in how the mind works as we are. I began my degree intending to help adolescents with eating disorders and depression. I am still interested in this field but my fascination has stretched into other areas such as sexuality, meditation and spirituality, and mind-altering substances. Right now I am in a massive psychedelic phase where all I want to do is trip out, paint and figure out the nature of humanity and the universe we reside in. Why are we here? That's what I want to know.
There is also more to me than psychology. I play music and sing, I read, I write, I paint, I draw, I meditate...
I love cats, fresh fruit juice, family, my friends and my boyfriend, food that doesn't have numbers in it, hippy pants, comfy clothes, clubbing, space documentaries I am a firm believer in the power of nature. I like to let my spirit sing and soar free.
I try not to hate, but I'm not perfect. So I hate money, capitalism, greed, social exclusion, large companies, bigotry and bureaucracy.
I stand for the rights of the LGBTIQ community, mother Earth, small businesses, animals, women and all those who are oppressed for speaking the truth.
Again, I am not perfect, so I may deviate from my core values every now and then. The important thing is that I recognise it and rectify it ASAP! Every slip up, mistake and every challenge life throws at me is another chance to become a better person, more adaptable, strong and independent.
The largest challenge I face at the moment is my boyfriend of (almost) 3 years going to work in the snow for 3 months. This is my main reason for starting this blog. I actually hate spending time with myself, which stems from a history of self-hatred, loneliness and just generally having a shit time unless I was distracted from my own thoughts. This challenge is probably the only chance I will get to build my independence and regain my self love, as I have no one to fall back on, or spend 24/7 with just so I don't have to face myself. It's been a week. And this blog will document my journey towards being content with my own company, as well as my thoughts about the things I learn in my last semester of my undergraduate Psych degree.
Thanks for reading, I hope you'll all join me for what will probably (hopefully?) be an interesting blog on my lectures at uni tomorrow. I am starting Diversity, Disability and Social Exclusion, Cognition and Behaviour, Social Psychology of Relationships, and Psychopathology.
Should be a good semester :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
If you'd like to gain some insight into any social anxiety you have, Take The Test. (Mull over the result, and see if it resonates with you or offers you something valuable. Please don't take it as professional advice or a diagnosis!)
This answer resonated 100% with me. Whenever I am feeling uncomfortable in a social situations, it is ALWAYS because I am feeling embarrassment or shame. This description is kind of funny because I have always been sensitive to criticism, but never equated it with social anxiety. I remember whenever mum used to criticise me I'd tell her not to because I'd already beaten myself up 10x worse and she would just add to it.
Despite this natural tendency to be harsh on myself. I don't think I ever really experienced social anxiety up until late highschool. I guess that coincided with my eating/self-esteem problems. As I withdrew, I allowed myself to be absorbed by my inner critic. I became my inner critic. Social anxiety was one of the outcomes and still sticks with me now even after I went through my positive mindset changes and all that. I now generally value myself as a person but I see that it takes a lot of hard work and cognitive restructuring to be strong against my inner critic. Despite my improvement, I don't always value myself as a person, even though I like to think I do. If I fully valued myself, I wouldn't be so self-critical. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't expect the best of myself, but it means I need to treat myself with respect. Which means I need to stop telling myself that everybody thinks I'm dumb... or ugly... or uninteresting... or a try-hard...
Social anxiety is a lot like having a grammar nazi in my head. Except it's not picking on my grammar (maybe sometimes)... it's usually picking on my way of behaving, speaking, standing, laughing and whatever else I could possibly be doing during a social interaction or in front of others, all at the same time. This generally makes things worse, because while my mind is going a million miles an hour about these things, I have no room to process what other people are talking about, so I usually end up standing there with what I imagine to be a vacant, airy look on my face, completely unable to contribute to a conversation...so then I worry about that too. The more anxious I am, the more dumb I feel, and then the more anxious I become... I usually try to lessen the anxiety justifying to a person why I'm acting so dumb, so they know that I'm not really this dumb normally. Whether it be that I'm really stoned, really tired, feeling anxious... But why should I have to justify myself to others?
This doesn't happen/happens way less when I'm feeling really self-confident in my abilities and my identity, which is a state of mind I have only recently become familiar with. During times like this, I can breeze into social situations with open body-language, a strong voice and eagerness to connect with others. I wish it was always like this, but I take social anxiety as a sign that I need to re-connect with myself. After all, I'm all I've got. When I'm connected to and fully trusting in myself and my abilities, that's when I feel most confident and the least self-critical thoughts enter my mind.
I like the last sentence of the quiz result. It reminds me of a quote I saw on facebook or something, about how we accept self-degrading thoughts as the truth but if someone else said them we would defend ourselves instantly. And then imagine if you spoke to your best friend the way you speak to yourself... (you wouldn't have a best friend!). Imagining this is a really helpful way to practice compassion for myself. As everything starts with me, I need to have compassion for myself before I can fully have compassion for others.
I found this quote that I'm leaving you with...