The body hate epidemic

Today I'd like to tall about something that really pisses me off. The normalisation of body hatred.

So many words are thrown around about how to have a 'better body', 'dream body', 'goal weight', 'flat stomach', 'thigh gap', 'toned abs', 'willpower', 'tight ass' ... I could go on forever. You know what all these things have in common?

1. They point to a certain body type (one that a minority of people have naturally)
2. They imply a need to obtain it
3. They say you can obtain it with certain products or regimes

Also... They are so widespread, that you would think that wanting these things is NORMAL!!

I'm here to tell you this is NOT normal. These diet fads, your low fat pre-packaged meals, your skinny teas, your boot camps, your 30-day challenges, your flab shaping underwear... All of these products are not designed to make you feel better about yourself or create a 'better you'! They're designed for the exact opposite.

Companies make money through a supply and demand system. Weight loss companies need to sell their products, as do makeup and clothing companies. So what can these companies do to increase their sales? Increase demand. And how do you increase demand? You make people feel like shit about themselves by creating an ideal that is so unachievable that rarely anyone will never get it, so everyone constantly comes to your product like its the holy grail and the one thing that will solve all their problems. This self hatred is created in a web of magazines, newspapers and celebrity culture, who profit from the advertisement of these products. NONE of these companies want you to feel good about yourself.

After all, why would anyone want to buy these things if they felt really good about themselves? They'd be happy with what they have already.

These products and phrases masquerade as a normal part of life but what they are really doing is propagating a dangerous eating-disorder mentality. You think you don't have some kind of eating/body dysmorphic disorder? Think again. If you are hopping from one of these products to the next, there is a high chance that you have fallen into a trap. If you think your problem is just that you don't have enough willpower, think again. You can use your existing willpower to get out of the hatred cycle, rather than thinking its something you're deficient in and need more of so you can beat your body into submission.

So how do you get out of it? Develop your mind to think in this broader perspective.

You have been given this one body for your whole life. The atoms in your body were created in the heart of a dying star millions of years ago. The first life form on earth came from within the earth itself, from a rock. There are an infinite amount of possibilities of things that could have gone wrong in evolution, and in the womb. And yet here we are, many years later, miraculously, with one life to live, in a fraction of time that will go unnoticed to the rest of the infinite universe.

So why are you hating on yourself? Your body is a gift from the earth, and you only have one lifetime to use it. Would you rather waste those years punishing this creation that you have been blessed with, or would you rather love, nurture and care for it in all its natural perfection, so it can work its best for you to help you walk, eat, sleep and live your life?

We only have one body and one chance. Don't waste it.

Four days

 **WARNING- may be triggering: contains ED themes**

A few years ago around the same time of year, a girl sat in her lounge room with her laptop open. Supposedly, she was doing homework, at least that's what her parents thought. She wanted to do it, but she couldn't focus. Hundreds of thoughts were distracting her, plaguing her mind. They never stopped, she was at their mercy. They always told her where to direct her time and energy, and today wasn't any different. She was to surf the web for 'thinspiration', determined that it would inspire her not to eat. She was to chat to other people in an online forum, to gain tips, tricks and insights into how to be that perfect person she had wanted to be for a few years now. Her parents were about to leave the house. This conjured up a few feelings, the main two being relief and anxiety. Relief came at the thought that she would no longer have to pretend to be so well together; for at least a few hours, she could indulge in her fantasies in peace and without fear of being discovered. Anxiety came stronger, as she knew this is where she could lose control. With no one around, she couldn't trust herself not to let loose on all the forbidden, delicious foods in the house. 

So close to the kitchen. 
Her heart raced. Time stopped. No longer fully focused on her pictures of girls full of bones, her eyes darted towards the fridge. She knew what was in there, she looked in there obsessively whenever she had the chance. "Just one piece of cake, and then no more eating for the rest of the day."
"It'll be worth it."
Anything to make the panic feeling go away.

Half an hour later, I'm on the floor, crying, wailing. What have I done? The world was ending. The cake was finished. I was devastated. I looked down, I saw a huge, wad of fat body below me.
The thoughts made me cry so hard I felt sick.
"You're worthless. Ugly. Stupid. Disgusting. Vile. Fat. Putrid. Fucking gross bitch."
"Get rid of it. QUICKLY!!!"
The voices never stopped until I did what they told me to do. 

****

A few years ago, my life was hell, and I was my own worst enemy. Everything was fine on the outside. I had a beautiful family who were well off, lived in a beautiful house, had a boyfriend who loved me... But I was the unhappiest I have ever been. That was the year that I decided I needed to go on antidepressants... and after 5 years, this is the week that I have started my journey without them, for good.

I have been thinking about this for a while, and I tried it a few times without really thinking of the ramifications. Needless to say, it didn't work, and I went straight back on them. None of the eating and body image problems had been present for a long time, but the depression and anxiety lingered around me like a black fog. But this time I am prepared to face my dark side, and I am prepared for any negative feelings that may come my way. For so long I have been scared of myself, scared of the thoughts I might have when I'm alone. But in the past couple of years I have learnt to love myself and cut myself a bit more slack. I'm far from perfecting this self-love, but I am so far from how I used to be. I feel like I am a different person now.

My main concern about going off my medication is that the person I have become is not the real me... What if I become a different person... what if people notice? What if I'm not as positive? What if my sense of humor is different? What if I'm not as outgoing?.... But then I do remember a time about 8 years ago, before I got sucked into my own darkness, when I was a happy-go-lucky, slightly naiive, fun-loving crazy chick. The world was my oyster. And then life happened.

Well now it's time for me to reclaim my life. I started tapering off my meds 4 days ago and although there's not a dramatic difference, I'm feeling more... alive. I'm feeling more me. I feel like a veil is slowly lifting and that more things are reaching me. I'm thinking more, but thinking and feeling slightly more deeply. I have had a tiny bit of anxiety, probably because I'm anticipating it, but I am slowly realizing that I don't need to let feelings affect me and control my life. I need to accept them and let them be, stop struggling to make them go away so I can get on with the important things in my life. I need to make peace with all of me, not just the pretty parts, but the ugly as well.

So I bid adieu to Lovan, or Prozac as it's called in America. It actually really helped me, at a time when I felt I was out of my own control. Under it's thought-numbing effects, I was able to regain a sense of control with my eating patterns, I was able to complete year 12 with a pretty high ENTER score, I was able to gain some peace in my life without being overwhelmed with vicious circles of thoughts and feelings interrupting my everyday experience. I was able to step out of my head and into the world. So it did help me, but I'm no longer that girl who hated herself and everything around her. I'm now someone who experiences the absolute love that binds this universe together, and who appreciates life for what it is. So it's time to let go of the security blanket and plunge into the unknown.

I still have a long way to go, so, here's to more growing.
I still have another week before I'm completely med-free, so watch this space, I'm going well so far, and I'm excited to see what changes and challenges it may bring :)

Non-conformist guide to jealousy

I was thinking the other day about how easily I have kicked addictions in my past and very recently. In my (short) lifetime, I have kicked 4 addictions. Some substances, some actions/behaviours. Some physical and some mental addictions. Either way, as soon as I put my mind to it, I fucking aced it. I think it is because I have strong principles. As soon as I decide something is against my principles, I will abandon it.

Today, I realized that I still have an addiction to kill. This addiction is conformity.

For a while now, I have strongly considered myself a non-conformist. In fact one of my most highly-held principles is not letting others dictate what I do/say/wear etc. But a lot of the time I still do, because as a human being, and as an individual, I have high rejection-sensitivity and a need for approval from others.

For me, being non-conformist is a conscious decision. It is actually a lifestyle choice. But it's not just about deliberately being different just for the sake of it. Non-conformity is truly about not letting large-scale approval for something influence my actions. So if I like a band that everyone else likes, I am allowed to do so as long as I'm not just tricking myself into liking them because I will be included and accepted. And if I want to wear my crazy 60s patterned flare pants (which I will do so today at the risk of disapproval -which hurts sometimes!), I am allowed to do so as long as that is what will make my heart sing and my spirit soar.

This process is conscious, as I must always pinpoint the reasons behind any negative emotions and assess how to deal with the conflict between external pressures and my own values and beliefs. It is essentially fighting instinct, the survival instinct to fit in. This is a highly involved cognitive process which I am involved in every day, and it is not at all easy. The pressure of conformity is strong and relentless, and it is helped along by jealousy. Jealousy is the enemy of the non-conformist. It makes you look to others to decide what you want, instead of looking within. Jealousy is also a defense mechanism that makes it easy to regain self-confidence by putting another person down. It is disguised as pride, while it is really insecurity. As someone who considers themselves a good person, it is hard for me to admit that I do get jealous a lot. One thing I get jealous of (along with a lot of women) is other girls' bodies. To state the obvious, something that is highly valued in this increasingly online society is a fit body. Girls with these type of bodies like to put them on display, and obviously they never fall short of 'likes' and admiring comments. This high level of approval is what produces the jealousy, and pressures people to conform. 

I see jealousy as giving me 3 options:

1. You can change yourself to resemble the person that you're jealous of - therefore erasing the jealousy because you now will get the same approval (If you can't beat them, join them)
2. You can keep being jealous but pretend you're not because that person is a skank and you are way better than them for not putting your boobs all over the internet (If you can't be them, destroy them)
3. You can address the underlying insecurity, be confident in your own values and qualities, and let that person march to the beat of their own drum (Let go of needing approval)

I find it really hard to be jealous, as I know I can only ever take option 3 to be happy, as much as I want to take options 1 or 2. Both options 1 and 2 are big conformity traps in a jealousy battle. They both inflate a sense of pride because on either side of the battle, you're going to get approval. People love to swoon over chicks with hot bodies, and people love to put down chicks with hot bodies. Seemingly a win-win for the ego! Except you will still harbour the deep insecurity that you began with. That is why I go with option 3, or at least try to. Option 3 opens the doors for a wonderful relationship of self-love and will help you build compassion and acceptance of others. Option 3 leads to PEACE.

You might think option 1 would be an okay option because once I get a "hot body" (by someone else's standards), I'll stop hating on other chicks and stop criticizing myself... right? Well, not in my experience... My body is what it is and trying to change that was a hard battle that led to an even deeper self-hatred than I began with. Why? Because I couldn't be what I thought society wanted me to be, no matter how hard I tried. If I am reliant on others to approve of me in order to love myself, I will never love myself, because people will always hate me for something. However, if I cultivate love for myself from within, no matter what others are telling me to look like, then my self-confidence will be sustainable. I choose to love myself, but I cannot choose whether other people do. Self-love and self-awareness are the keys to non-conformity.

This is why I choose to be a non-conformist. It may be hard and I may have to dig up and battle against deep-seated insecurities. I may have to think a lot, and have debates with myself in my head. I may not have anyone to tell me that I'm right, to ease my doubts. It may seem that everyone is against me, and I may feel lonely and unsupported in my decisions. But in the words of Chris from Parks and Recreation, "I'm not lonely, I have myself". And as long as I work on becoming my own best friend, no large-scale influence should ever be able to tell me what I need or want.

Even jealousy comes with a blessing, as it can help me recognize how I can become my own best friend.

I'm going to start with the body love :)