Why people scare me

Today I took this test on a UK Psychology magazine website. I love these kinds of tests because they aren't just crap tests people make up; they actually give me insight. I think I've mentioned this before but I pride myself on my deep insight to my own psyche, however sometimes it's enlightening to have an outsider's view.

In this case, the test confirmed what I already knew about my social anxiety, and gave me some solutions to the problem. Here is my result:

You’re affected by shame

You tend to be concerned about the opinions people hold of you, so you often worry that you will do something embarrassing. While you fear the scrutiny of others, you are really your own worst critic. You evaluate nearly everything you do negatively, and expect that everyone else is doing the same. You could try tackling your feelings of shame with a reality check. The mind of the self-critic is a trickster and a myth maker, and you need to challenge your assumptions. You are not under a microscope. Others are not watching your every move, nor are they evaluating your every word. Most people are the centre of their own universe, so they’re not judging you. Don’t give credence to your negative thoughts just because they enter your head. Instead, try to counter them with statements about yourself that you know to be true — your strengths and good qualities. When you feel under attack, try to find another way of looking at the situation. Are your fears realistic, or do you imagine the worst possible outcome? Will you really be in the spotlight, or will it just feel that way? Refocus your attention: concentrate on others or the task at hand. Be your own best friend. You wouldn’t ask your best friend ‘What if they find you boring?’ or ‘What if they think you’re stupid?’ Look to the positive.

If you'd like to gain some insight into any social anxiety you have, Take The Test.  (Mull over the result, and see if it resonates with you or offers you something valuable. Please don't take it as professional advice or a diagnosis!)

This answer resonated 100% with me. Whenever I am feeling uncomfortable in a social situations,  it is ALWAYS because I am feeling embarrassment or shame. This description is kind of funny because I have always been sensitive to criticism, but never equated it with social anxiety. I remember whenever mum used to criticise me I'd tell her not to because I'd already beaten myself up 10x worse and she would just add to it.

Despite this natural tendency to be harsh on myself. I don't think I ever really experienced social anxiety up until late highschool. I guess that coincided with my eating/self-esteem problems. As I withdrew, I allowed myself to be absorbed by my inner critic. I became my inner critic. Social anxiety was one of the outcomes and still sticks with me now even after I went through my positive mindset changes and all that. I now generally value myself as a person but I see that it takes a lot of hard work and cognitive restructuring to be strong against my inner critic. Despite my improvement, I don't always value myself as a person, even though I like to think I do. If I fully valued myself, I wouldn't be so self-critical. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't expect the best of myself, but it means I need to treat myself with respect. Which means I need to stop telling myself that everybody thinks I'm dumb... or ugly... or uninteresting... or a try-hard...

Social anxiety is a lot like having a grammar nazi in my head. Except it's not picking on my grammar (maybe sometimes)... it's usually picking on my way of behaving, speaking, standing, laughing and whatever else I could possibly be doing during a social interaction or in front of others, all at the same time. This generally makes things worse, because while my mind is going a million miles an hour about these things, I have no room to process what other people are talking about, so I usually end up standing there with what I imagine to be a vacant, airy look on my face, completely unable to contribute to a conversation...so then I worry about that too. The more anxious I am, the more dumb I feel, and then the more anxious I become... I usually try to lessen the anxiety justifying to a person why I'm acting so dumb, so they know that I'm not really this dumb normally. Whether it be that I'm really stoned, really tired, feeling anxious... But why should I have to justify myself to others?

This doesn't happen/happens way less when I'm feeling really self-confident in my abilities and my identity, which is a state of mind I have only recently become familiar with. During times like this, I can breeze into social situations with open body-language, a strong voice and eagerness to connect with others. I wish it was always like this, but I take social anxiety as a sign that I need to re-connect with myself. After all, I'm all I've got. When I'm connected to and fully trusting in myself and my abilities, that's when I feel most confident and the least self-critical thoughts enter my mind.

I like the last sentence of the quiz result. It reminds me of a quote I saw on facebook or something, about how we accept self-degrading thoughts as the truth but if someone else said them we would defend ourselves instantly. And then imagine if you spoke to your best friend the way you speak to yourself... (you wouldn't have a best friend!). Imagining this is a really helpful way to practice compassion for myself. As everything starts with me, I need to have compassion for myself before I can fully have compassion for others.

I found this quote that I'm leaving you with...

“To avoid criticism say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” 

  - Aristotle