The other weekend my old friends and I were sitting by a pool, our crystals laid out on deck chairs to cleanse in the sunlight. We had just been smoking a leisurely joint and began to talk about life and beauty, you know, the usual. Earlier I had seen my friend rescue a spider from the pool. I looked down beside me and I saw a ladybug on a tiny feather, floating near the edge of the pool. I scooped it up in my palm and lay it down on the concrete. Instantly, our conversation was diverted. We became transfixed at this sign of luck, the orange ladybug. We got on our bellies and watched with amazement as this incy wincy creature lifted its symmetrically patterned shell to reveal its tiny wings. As it attempted to dry its wings in this way, we noticed how intricately designed its shell was. Orange with little black patterns, almost as if they had been drawn on with a fine liner. It had two little eyes and legs smaller than the width of a hair. It was too perfect to be real. But there it stood, drying itself, preparing to fly off to safety.
I'm usually scared of bugs. Even ladybugs. But the love I experienced watching this creature overcame any disgust I could have felt. I'm sure the pot helped, I find it actually helps my brain detach from the feminine chaos of thought stream and focus in on one specific thing. But that's beside the point. We are so busy playing with our phones, worrying what we look like, trying to please other and our own egos, that we forget what a magical place we live in. We strive for our idea of perfection, when perfection already exists all around us. In the tiny ladybug, the veiny leaves of a plant, our own bodies that work effortlessly to keep us alive...
We take so much for granted... I take so much for granted.
I've been a bit disconnected lately, from myself. But what goes down must come back up again, and death always makes way for birth. I thought I was at a spiritual dead-end but when I think about it, I have learnt so much in the past two weeks, and a new theme is coming up for me: Yin and Yang.
Hopefully I'll be posting some more pretty soon :)
Sunday, 24 November 2013
Sunday, 3 November 2013
My love-hate relationship with religion
When I was in the third grade at my small Catholic school, everyone was preparing for their "Reconciliation" ceremony which would lead onto their receiving of the Holy Communion. While everyone else was nervous at the prospect of confessing all their sins to a priest, I was relieved that I didn't have to do so. My school had told me that I could not take part in these religious ceremonies, as I was baptized Anglican, not Catholic. In every subsequent monthly mass, while everyone else stood and lined up to receive the 'body of Christ', 'the bread', or 'communion', I would have to sit in silence and watch them. This was the beginning of my break from religion. We were taught that God loved everyone. Yet, my school basically told me I was not allowed to enter God's kingdom. As a small child, I recognized that if there really was a God, he would not exclude me based on my baptism or any other factor.
Since that moment I had a strong dislike towards Christianity, and Catholicism in particular, which I haven't been quite able to shake, even in my quest towards tolerance and acceptance of others. I felt that God could not have been real if he killed people or imposed rules on people. I disrespected the church every time I was there for weddings, baptisms or whatever reason. I really disliked (putting it nicely) the last Pope and what he stood for, though the new Pope is kind of more favourable. These beliefs about the church have also not been helped by all the bible bashers in America who want to convert Gay people because of a couple of passages in a book that is centuries old and should not be taken literally, at all. I still don't understand how people don't believe in magic, yet they believe there is a man in the sky who created us all. Go figure...
Anyway, religion has made a few appearances in my life where I have been forced to challenge these ideas that formed when I was so young. By the time I started to think about conspiracies, I had concluded that the Bible was a bunch of crap orchestrated by a patriarchy who desired to control the world with strict doctrines and fear. I then stumbled upon my first conspiracy thread, which talked about how the revelations was a prediction of the Roman Empire and how it had continued into modern day America. That was an extremely long but highly convincing thread about the parallels between society and the ancient text's account of our downfall. It was very compelling to me, but it required me to re-evaluate whether the Bible really was a bunch of bullcrap or whether it was something else, maybe a metaphor or a prediction, rather than a literal transcript of actual events. Some while later, I watched the documentary Zeitgeist, which highlighted the parallels between ancient religions and modern day religions. This again, was compelling to me, as that meant that the Bible had not been simply put together as fiction. It had some basis in history.
The most recent catalyst for a change in attitude has been beginning psychic development classes with my cousin, who can contact spirits and is into what people call "New Age" spirituality. And yet, he believes in angels, specifically Christian angels such as Jesus, Mary, Archangels Michael and Gabriel, and so on. He also refers to the "higher power" as 'God'. I have preferred not to do so, as just the word God symbolizes, to me, restriction, compartmentalization, strict beliefs and doctrines. But as I have developed throughout these classes, and developed more open-mindedness, I have realized that God is just the name for this thing that we can all feel within us. God does not need to mean "a man in the sky who kills people if they disobey him". God can just as well refer to the universe, or the cosmos, love, or the singularity before the big bang.
Maybe the God in the Bible doesn't even refer to an actual being. Maybe it is a metaphor of a symbol for the thing that connects us all. Reading "The Lost Symbol" by Dan Brown tonight has really opened my eyes to the potential symbolism of the Bible. I find it funny that God was the one thing I have strived to reject, when all along I have been lead along the path to find God. I still feel uncomfortable calling it God, I prefer calling it the universe, or love... To me, the universe is God. God is the universe. The universe is within me and it is within everyone else. It's also funny that throughout school we were constantly told that God is within us, and that God is everywhere at once. Because now I can see that this is SO true! We are all connected through God. It's just that everyone takes it too literally and thinks God is a man with a white beard who sits in the clouds! The truth is much more profound than that!
Indeed, we came from God and will one day return to God. But God will not meet us with open arms or a warm embrace.. we will one day return to the gigantic web of the universe where no physical boundaries exist between us. We will not be able to hug God, but we will feel as if we are a PART of God. Oneness!
It still feels wrong saying God. Too Christiany... I feel like a preacher. But there is no wrong way to say it, as long as we are all talking about the same thing I guess, so saying 'God' is a good exercise to reduce my own prejudice.
It feels good writing again! I plan to do a lot more soon :)
Until then,
Peace <3
Since that moment I had a strong dislike towards Christianity, and Catholicism in particular, which I haven't been quite able to shake, even in my quest towards tolerance and acceptance of others. I felt that God could not have been real if he killed people or imposed rules on people. I disrespected the church every time I was there for weddings, baptisms or whatever reason. I really disliked (putting it nicely) the last Pope and what he stood for, though the new Pope is kind of more favourable. These beliefs about the church have also not been helped by all the bible bashers in America who want to convert Gay people because of a couple of passages in a book that is centuries old and should not be taken literally, at all. I still don't understand how people don't believe in magic, yet they believe there is a man in the sky who created us all. Go figure...
Anyway, religion has made a few appearances in my life where I have been forced to challenge these ideas that formed when I was so young. By the time I started to think about conspiracies, I had concluded that the Bible was a bunch of crap orchestrated by a patriarchy who desired to control the world with strict doctrines and fear. I then stumbled upon my first conspiracy thread, which talked about how the revelations was a prediction of the Roman Empire and how it had continued into modern day America. That was an extremely long but highly convincing thread about the parallels between society and the ancient text's account of our downfall. It was very compelling to me, but it required me to re-evaluate whether the Bible really was a bunch of bullcrap or whether it was something else, maybe a metaphor or a prediction, rather than a literal transcript of actual events. Some while later, I watched the documentary Zeitgeist, which highlighted the parallels between ancient religions and modern day religions. This again, was compelling to me, as that meant that the Bible had not been simply put together as fiction. It had some basis in history.
The most recent catalyst for a change in attitude has been beginning psychic development classes with my cousin, who can contact spirits and is into what people call "New Age" spirituality. And yet, he believes in angels, specifically Christian angels such as Jesus, Mary, Archangels Michael and Gabriel, and so on. He also refers to the "higher power" as 'God'. I have preferred not to do so, as just the word God symbolizes, to me, restriction, compartmentalization, strict beliefs and doctrines. But as I have developed throughout these classes, and developed more open-mindedness, I have realized that God is just the name for this thing that we can all feel within us. God does not need to mean "a man in the sky who kills people if they disobey him". God can just as well refer to the universe, or the cosmos, love, or the singularity before the big bang.
Maybe the God in the Bible doesn't even refer to an actual being. Maybe it is a metaphor of a symbol for the thing that connects us all. Reading "The Lost Symbol" by Dan Brown tonight has really opened my eyes to the potential symbolism of the Bible. I find it funny that God was the one thing I have strived to reject, when all along I have been lead along the path to find God. I still feel uncomfortable calling it God, I prefer calling it the universe, or love... To me, the universe is God. God is the universe. The universe is within me and it is within everyone else. It's also funny that throughout school we were constantly told that God is within us, and that God is everywhere at once. Because now I can see that this is SO true! We are all connected through God. It's just that everyone takes it too literally and thinks God is a man with a white beard who sits in the clouds! The truth is much more profound than that!
Indeed, we came from God and will one day return to God. But God will not meet us with open arms or a warm embrace.. we will one day return to the gigantic web of the universe where no physical boundaries exist between us. We will not be able to hug God, but we will feel as if we are a PART of God. Oneness!
It still feels wrong saying God. Too Christiany... I feel like a preacher. But there is no wrong way to say it, as long as we are all talking about the same thing I guess, so saying 'God' is a good exercise to reduce my own prejudice.
It feels good writing again! I plan to do a lot more soon :)
Until then,
Peace <3
Tuesday, 15 October 2013
Limbo
So I started this blog to keep me distracted while my boyfriend was away for 3 months. Really, it turned out to be a piece of cake! I got my life together, in terms of family life, connecting with people that matter, spending time alone, studying and giving up smoking and being a stoner.
I thought it would all go uphill from here. However, sometimes I can be a bit too optimistic. I'm trying to analyse why this is happening in terms of all that I've learnt in my degree. I thought I knew myself well - better than most people know themselves - but sometimes, like now, I am left stumped. What can I attribute this feeling to? It feels like... loss. Like stagnation. I'm unsure where to go. Maybe I had a moment of insecurity and I latched onto it, holding it close. That's a mistake I almost made a couple of weeks ago. I'm fighting it in my head, but sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between myself and an intruder. Sometimes I mistake that voice for my own and take it on board, only to find it makes me feel worse. That's mostly when I can tell it's not me.
I'm hoping it's just a feeling of being in limbo... I've finished my classes, and now it's like I'm in the waiting room for exams. Waiting never makes anyone feel good. You often get bored, restless, trying to distract yourself from the slowing down of time. Fiddling, playing mundane games in your head, checking the same thing over and over on your phone. It's uncomfortable, you want to rest but you can't because you need to be alert when they call you, you need to be ready. After a long time of waiting you start to go a little crazy. Especially if you're alone, waiting to be released or moved on to something else. It's just you and your thoughts and time.
I guess I haven't been making the most of this time though. Instead of studying I've been waiting. Waiting for this to be over, waiting for freedom. I'm sure I could do something more constructive. I'm focused on my peculiar mental state though, which tends to make it worse.
Tomorrow, the goal is to study. To fill my brain with info. Then there won't be room for any crazy talk.
I thought it would all go uphill from here. However, sometimes I can be a bit too optimistic. I'm trying to analyse why this is happening in terms of all that I've learnt in my degree. I thought I knew myself well - better than most people know themselves - but sometimes, like now, I am left stumped. What can I attribute this feeling to? It feels like... loss. Like stagnation. I'm unsure where to go. Maybe I had a moment of insecurity and I latched onto it, holding it close. That's a mistake I almost made a couple of weeks ago. I'm fighting it in my head, but sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between myself and an intruder. Sometimes I mistake that voice for my own and take it on board, only to find it makes me feel worse. That's mostly when I can tell it's not me.
I'm hoping it's just a feeling of being in limbo... I've finished my classes, and now it's like I'm in the waiting room for exams. Waiting never makes anyone feel good. You often get bored, restless, trying to distract yourself from the slowing down of time. Fiddling, playing mundane games in your head, checking the same thing over and over on your phone. It's uncomfortable, you want to rest but you can't because you need to be alert when they call you, you need to be ready. After a long time of waiting you start to go a little crazy. Especially if you're alone, waiting to be released or moved on to something else. It's just you and your thoughts and time.
I guess I haven't been making the most of this time though. Instead of studying I've been waiting. Waiting for this to be over, waiting for freedom. I'm sure I could do something more constructive. I'm focused on my peculiar mental state though, which tends to make it worse.
Tomorrow, the goal is to study. To fill my brain with info. Then there won't be room for any crazy talk.
Saturday, 12 October 2013
Isolation
Feeling really down this week. Couldn't figure out why until I realised that I am feeling really isolated. As an extrovert, I gain energy from being with people I love, and people in general. And as someone with anxiety, I hate feeling excluded; I want to be a part of everything that is important to me. This is a tricky situation, as it can make me feel like people don't appreciate me, when really, I am excluding myself, due to exams which are in a week.
I am missing out on Wah Wah's 6th birthday tonight, which wouldn't be a problem except that my boyfriend got me a special invite because he DJs there. And since he is part of the 'Wah family', I really wanted to be there and show my face. But I can't, and it's really upsetting because everyone is going... even people who I don't like. I just feel like they are there to show their support, and I can't be, and it makes them look better than me. And they all get to have fun together while I'm stuck at home. No this is not the most important thing in the world, I know that, but everyone is making it out to be.
I can't get around this either, because I live at home, and my mum is my boss, and she will be livid if I go out partying all night when I'm taking work off to study for exams.
On top of that, my friends seem to be going out and doing stuff on the weekends together and I can't be a part of that either. Irrationally, I feel excluded from my own friendship group, like I'm not important. Even though it's my own doing.
My mind is going crazy.
Nothing gets me down like isolation does.
I am missing out on Wah Wah's 6th birthday tonight, which wouldn't be a problem except that my boyfriend got me a special invite because he DJs there. And since he is part of the 'Wah family', I really wanted to be there and show my face. But I can't, and it's really upsetting because everyone is going... even people who I don't like. I just feel like they are there to show their support, and I can't be, and it makes them look better than me. And they all get to have fun together while I'm stuck at home. No this is not the most important thing in the world, I know that, but everyone is making it out to be.
I can't get around this either, because I live at home, and my mum is my boss, and she will be livid if I go out partying all night when I'm taking work off to study for exams.
On top of that, my friends seem to be going out and doing stuff on the weekends together and I can't be a part of that either. Irrationally, I feel excluded from my own friendship group, like I'm not important. Even though it's my own doing.
My mind is going crazy.
Nothing gets me down like isolation does.
Thursday, 10 October 2013
Faith
Had a great chat at uni the other day with a vibrant girl from the Christian Union who approached me to talk about faith. After viewing a short cartoon, she asked me how it related to my own faith. The whole conversation that stemmed from there was surprisingly awesome, and I found that I connected well with this Christian girl, that in fact we shared very similar ideas about the world and the same values. It reminded me that we see the world from all different perspectives but what really unites us is love and understanding!
I want to share with you a few things that I shared with her, as through this conversation I realized how very little I get to talk about something that I am so deeply passionate about. I also never thought of myself as a person with a faith, maybe because I don't name it. I just think of it as my set of beliefs.
God, or the Source, is for me, like in other religions, where we all came from. I like to think of the God concept as the Big Bang. At the moment, the widely accepted theory is that the Big Bang originated from a singularity- a single point of mass in a void where space and time did not exist. Considering that everything in our universe supposedly came from this singularity, it's rational to say that, since we were all 'one' when this happened, that we are still 'one' with everything around us. Everything we are made, the stars are made of, even what space is made of, originated from this point. This is why I love to say that we are all pieces of the puzzle; The puzzle of the universe!
Another thing about my faith that aligns with others is that I have a similar set of values. When talking with this girl, we both believed that we should have love and compassion for one another, and that we are too selfish now and scared of connecting with people in this 'dog eat dog' world. For me, this stems from the belief that we are all one... If you are me, and I am you, what am I afraid of? Why would I want to hurt you? For me it's really sad that we compete and are jealous and hateful of one another because this reflects on and creates how we treat ourselves... We did an exercise at Reach once where we had to make a criticism of another person, and then ask ourselves whether we had said the same thing about ourselves too... Every time. Another one of my favourite sayings is 'you must love yourself before you can love others'.
She also spoke to me about her underlying feeling that there's something wrong with the world, that its not working in the way it was meant to... I get this a lot. I got it from a young age. I always questioned why we work all our lives and then rest when we're too old to enjoy life properly. Now I question it in a deeper way, and try to remember that while I can't change how it works, I can work around it. I can do things to avoid having to rely on money and greed, such as remembering that my worth isn't dependent on my looks or possessions. Everything is impermanent, so it makes no sense to attach myself to anything. I can go natural, buy organic or grow my own food, which is like growing your own money, but allows my body to absorb pure, rich nutrients rather than the chemically altered crap that they sell in supermarkets. I can center myself in a more natural environment. All these things make me more at ease and closer to nature on this dying planet.
The last thing she asked me is where my beliefs came from. I thought about it for a minute, and realized that my beliefs materialized one day out of nowhere. I was always drawn to spiritual and space talk when I was young. I think when I watched zeitgeist I really awoke. Everything sort of clicked into place and I thought, this is right. My morals stem from my empathy as well, which allows me (or forces me) to feel others' pain, to really absorb it in my mind and heart.
I really believe that we can only find the answers within. I always want to know things, and I keep reminding myself that all I have to do is look within to find what I'm looking for. The trouble is trying to find the time and also the discipline to let the material world go and meditate without the interruption of my mind or anything else. I always plan to. But what if I am planning until I am old, and one day I realize I never did it? I was always waiting for the time when really, time doesn't exist, it is an illusion of the material world. I have to let go of time as well in order to properly explore consciousness....
I have a lot of self work to do.
Thursday, 26 September 2013
Open your mind
I am 3 weeks away from the end of uni and I am keen as hell for a trip! I'm sick of this mundane routine based, 3 dimensional reality. I want to learn something new, explore the nature of my existence, explore the nature of the universe. That is my deepest desire and has been for some while.
In this blog post I want to take you on my journey with psychedelic 'drugs'. So far, I have only really tried LSD and psilocybin (magic mushrooms). They have distinct differences that I have tried to observe and figure out how each one is useful in different ways. I am keen to get onto DMT, as that's when the real shit happens. But anyway, here's what I have gathered from my trips.
LSD. Acid. Tabs. Cid. Lucy. Alice. Such beautiful names for something that can make you so fucked up. All psychedelics give you clarity, in the sense that you KNOW when things are happening that you didn't while you were sober. For instance, once I took it at my ex-housemates house, where I lived at the time. I was looking at the seating arrangements; it was a square loungeroom, but the way the couches and seats were positioned was kind of in a triangle hierarchy shape. The ones sitting at the top of the triangle were in computer chairs so they were higher up than everyone else. I saw this, and I knew that they were the ringleaders, that some kind of sick game was going on and we were all under their control. I hadn't sensed it before this trip, but a couple months down the track, and their game became clear. I don't talk to these people anymore. This is why you can't trip with people who you are uncomfortable with; you can't run from those feelings or push them down like you do when you want to be civilized. The feeling, their vibes, overcame me and I was scared. I wanted out of the trip. The thing is, once you get into a state of mind on acid you can't get rid of it. At least that's the way it is for me, I know everyone finds it different. But for me, the beginning of a bad trip means the rest of the trip is doomed.
In saying that, I have had some interesting experiences that weren't exactly bad but were frightening in some way, or just peculiar I guess. In my first big acid trip, it started off with throwing a large beach ball around. The colours trailed behind it, and it was as if it flew in slow motion. I could feel my eyes shining as I smiled. Everything was sparkly. It was like I was a kid again, finding the largest joy, laughing and feeling elated, at the sight of a ball in the air. Then things started turning weird.. I noticed that I would go off in a cycle that repeated itself. Like reality spun out of control, weirder and weirder, and then I would find myself feeling 'normal', almost sober, again. Then reality would spin out again. The same things would happen. It was freaky. I carried around a lollypop to bring myself back everytime I lost control. Soon I started to run around the room, and everytime I would get to the same point, it would be the same point in time but in another 'level' of reality, getting closer to 'normal' with each circle. It was like I was running up a staircase of time and space.
The last one I had was with my boyfriend. This was the biggest one I have ever had... we didn't expect our tabs to be that strong. We listened to music, and I could hear every tiny particle of each note of the song. Everything went so SLOW. I thoroughly enjoyed every second, although I had no concept of what a second was. Then, with each song, we began to slip out of reality into what I termed 'trips'. The same spirals I mentioned before, things would repeat and spin out, and then we would snap right back, and try to explain to each other what we had just experienced (we really should have recorded our voices, but the trips pulled us in so strong that we couldn't stay in reality for all that long). Soon, reality disappeared before my eyes, slowly fading out pixel by pixel, until I was standing in a black void. No kidding. I remember thinking that I didn't know what happened to my body, and hoped that I wouldn't wake up to find myself in an asylum. I also remember thinking I shouldn't walk anywhere because I might walk through a wall in 'normal' reality and wake up to find myself in a different room of the house... how would I explain that to his parents? I would have been way more scared, but I had my boyfriend with me in the void, so it was okay. The trip intensified to the point where we were standing atop our own 'trip slides'. Basically like a strong vortex pulling our minds in. The trouble was, we had separate ones. Eventually, we decided to jump. All I remember of this, is a lot of yellow, and colours, and that I knew that I was seeing the past and the future, and that time collapsed into one point. Time was an illusion, it's all happening at the same time. Unfortunately I don't remember much of this either! But I do remember what I thought as I observed all this. Fascinating. It was like I was still able to think to myself, normally, but I couldn't control what happened to reality.
Another interesting phenomenon I have discovered is what I call 'the grid'. It is like a lattice grid made of blue and pink/red laser light that cuts through the air in 3 dimensions (Up/down, Forward/back, side to side). The thing is, there is so many of these lines that it appears to be a fabric. Even the squares of it appear to have some sort of laser webbing, like liquid, swirling about. Others have also seen this grid. I am fascinated by it. I believe it has great potential to reveal the nature of space. Almost all the time on acid, the air feels thicker. I feel like I am viewing the world at a different angle. Somehow, it's like another dimension has unfolded before me. I called it 'High definition reality'. Like HD TV, it is so much more detailed and rich than 'normal reality'. I feel this has something to do with the grid. So yeah, this will be what I explore in my next acid trips.
Mushrooms are so much more smoother, for me at least. Acid makes me feel like I'm exploring a digital world, but mushrooms make me feel like I am some absurd kind of theme park. Everything seems rounder, and funnier. Much funnier! But also, like acid, you get that instant knowledge and clarity. I haven't had many mushroom trips at all, but I found them easier to control, so I prefer them over LSD. In my last magic mushroom adventure, my friends and I watched a video montage called Planet Earth . If you watch a tiny bit of it, it speaks for itself. The orchestra music was the clincher - watching this, I was SO amazed, that we lived on such a beautiful, alive place like this, and that stuff like this was happening that we would never see! It was so beautiful and so amazing that it was almost ridiculous that we had the privilege to live on this thing, and we never appreciate it. I just, laughed, a lot, to the point where tears rolled down my face. So many thoughts melded into one realization, and it seemed impossible that I had never come to this conclusion before. I don't remember the essence of it now because I'm not on mushrooms, and can't possibly think that many thoughts in that space of time. I think alot, but not that much! It was like doing a 26 page math problem in 2 seconds... quite overwhelming, and a beautiful experience. At one point, I decided to look at myself in the mirror. How often do you stare into your own eyes and appreciate the unique soul that you are? I know I don't, but this experience makes me want to do it more. I never felt more connected to myself, never felt more love and care, because I saw who I really was when I looked into my eyes. There is nothing like a good trip to throw everything about, and leave you with nothing but yourself, and nowhere to hide.
I really wish I could draw my trips. I've tried, but there's no way. It's just not of this world. And I don't have enough skill. Sigh. I would love to be able to express these experiences in a better way than with words. These experiences have changed how I see the world. It's like an awakening - my mind has been stretched so far that it can never go back to what it was. And I am thirsty for more.
Hmm, well I hope at least some of you have enjoyed reading this drug riddled post. I am aware that a lot of you will be shaking your heads in disapproval, and I was reluctant to post this at first. But then I thought of my favourite quote at the moment...
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" (Dr Seuss).
Thanks Dr. Seuss, and thanks to those that appreciate the real me, drugs and all.
In this blog post I want to take you on my journey with psychedelic 'drugs'. So far, I have only really tried LSD and psilocybin (magic mushrooms). They have distinct differences that I have tried to observe and figure out how each one is useful in different ways. I am keen to get onto DMT, as that's when the real shit happens. But anyway, here's what I have gathered from my trips.
LSD. Acid. Tabs. Cid. Lucy. Alice. Such beautiful names for something that can make you so fucked up. All psychedelics give you clarity, in the sense that you KNOW when things are happening that you didn't while you were sober. For instance, once I took it at my ex-housemates house, where I lived at the time. I was looking at the seating arrangements; it was a square loungeroom, but the way the couches and seats were positioned was kind of in a triangle hierarchy shape. The ones sitting at the top of the triangle were in computer chairs so they were higher up than everyone else. I saw this, and I knew that they were the ringleaders, that some kind of sick game was going on and we were all under their control. I hadn't sensed it before this trip, but a couple months down the track, and their game became clear. I don't talk to these people anymore. This is why you can't trip with people who you are uncomfortable with; you can't run from those feelings or push them down like you do when you want to be civilized. The feeling, their vibes, overcame me and I was scared. I wanted out of the trip. The thing is, once you get into a state of mind on acid you can't get rid of it. At least that's the way it is for me, I know everyone finds it different. But for me, the beginning of a bad trip means the rest of the trip is doomed.
In saying that, I have had some interesting experiences that weren't exactly bad but were frightening in some way, or just peculiar I guess. In my first big acid trip, it started off with throwing a large beach ball around. The colours trailed behind it, and it was as if it flew in slow motion. I could feel my eyes shining as I smiled. Everything was sparkly. It was like I was a kid again, finding the largest joy, laughing and feeling elated, at the sight of a ball in the air. Then things started turning weird.. I noticed that I would go off in a cycle that repeated itself. Like reality spun out of control, weirder and weirder, and then I would find myself feeling 'normal', almost sober, again. Then reality would spin out again. The same things would happen. It was freaky. I carried around a lollypop to bring myself back everytime I lost control. Soon I started to run around the room, and everytime I would get to the same point, it would be the same point in time but in another 'level' of reality, getting closer to 'normal' with each circle. It was like I was running up a staircase of time and space.
The last one I had was with my boyfriend. This was the biggest one I have ever had... we didn't expect our tabs to be that strong. We listened to music, and I could hear every tiny particle of each note of the song. Everything went so SLOW. I thoroughly enjoyed every second, although I had no concept of what a second was. Then, with each song, we began to slip out of reality into what I termed 'trips'. The same spirals I mentioned before, things would repeat and spin out, and then we would snap right back, and try to explain to each other what we had just experienced (we really should have recorded our voices, but the trips pulled us in so strong that we couldn't stay in reality for all that long). Soon, reality disappeared before my eyes, slowly fading out pixel by pixel, until I was standing in a black void. No kidding. I remember thinking that I didn't know what happened to my body, and hoped that I wouldn't wake up to find myself in an asylum. I also remember thinking I shouldn't walk anywhere because I might walk through a wall in 'normal' reality and wake up to find myself in a different room of the house... how would I explain that to his parents? I would have been way more scared, but I had my boyfriend with me in the void, so it was okay. The trip intensified to the point where we were standing atop our own 'trip slides'. Basically like a strong vortex pulling our minds in. The trouble was, we had separate ones. Eventually, we decided to jump. All I remember of this, is a lot of yellow, and colours, and that I knew that I was seeing the past and the future, and that time collapsed into one point. Time was an illusion, it's all happening at the same time. Unfortunately I don't remember much of this either! But I do remember what I thought as I observed all this. Fascinating. It was like I was still able to think to myself, normally, but I couldn't control what happened to reality.
Another interesting phenomenon I have discovered is what I call 'the grid'. It is like a lattice grid made of blue and pink/red laser light that cuts through the air in 3 dimensions (Up/down, Forward/back, side to side). The thing is, there is so many of these lines that it appears to be a fabric. Even the squares of it appear to have some sort of laser webbing, like liquid, swirling about. Others have also seen this grid. I am fascinated by it. I believe it has great potential to reveal the nature of space. Almost all the time on acid, the air feels thicker. I feel like I am viewing the world at a different angle. Somehow, it's like another dimension has unfolded before me. I called it 'High definition reality'. Like HD TV, it is so much more detailed and rich than 'normal reality'. I feel this has something to do with the grid. So yeah, this will be what I explore in my next acid trips.
Mushrooms are so much more smoother, for me at least. Acid makes me feel like I'm exploring a digital world, but mushrooms make me feel like I am some absurd kind of theme park. Everything seems rounder, and funnier. Much funnier! But also, like acid, you get that instant knowledge and clarity. I haven't had many mushroom trips at all, but I found them easier to control, so I prefer them over LSD. In my last magic mushroom adventure, my friends and I watched a video montage called Planet Earth . If you watch a tiny bit of it, it speaks for itself. The orchestra music was the clincher - watching this, I was SO amazed, that we lived on such a beautiful, alive place like this, and that stuff like this was happening that we would never see! It was so beautiful and so amazing that it was almost ridiculous that we had the privilege to live on this thing, and we never appreciate it. I just, laughed, a lot, to the point where tears rolled down my face. So many thoughts melded into one realization, and it seemed impossible that I had never come to this conclusion before. I don't remember the essence of it now because I'm not on mushrooms, and can't possibly think that many thoughts in that space of time. I think alot, but not that much! It was like doing a 26 page math problem in 2 seconds... quite overwhelming, and a beautiful experience. At one point, I decided to look at myself in the mirror. How often do you stare into your own eyes and appreciate the unique soul that you are? I know I don't, but this experience makes me want to do it more. I never felt more connected to myself, never felt more love and care, because I saw who I really was when I looked into my eyes. There is nothing like a good trip to throw everything about, and leave you with nothing but yourself, and nowhere to hide.
I really wish I could draw my trips. I've tried, but there's no way. It's just not of this world. And I don't have enough skill. Sigh. I would love to be able to express these experiences in a better way than with words. These experiences have changed how I see the world. It's like an awakening - my mind has been stretched so far that it can never go back to what it was. And I am thirsty for more.
Hmm, well I hope at least some of you have enjoyed reading this drug riddled post. I am aware that a lot of you will be shaking your heads in disapproval, and I was reluctant to post this at first. But then I thought of my favourite quote at the moment...
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" (Dr Seuss).
Thanks Dr. Seuss, and thanks to those that appreciate the real me, drugs and all.
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
All signs point to change
My mind is a madhouse at the moment! I feel like there are 1000s of
little mes reminding me of things to do, telling me about things that
would be interesting to think about, trying to correct my behaviour,
motivating me, demotivating me... My mind feels like when you walk into a
room full of people and all you can hear is the buzzing of chatter.
Everyone's voice melds into one. No wonder I'm so distracted.
I have always been like this, but moreso now that I'm so close to finishing my degree. I'm getting so excited at the prospect of freedom that I just want it NOW! As it put it to my dad, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to run towards it. This attitude is also resulting in the universe throwing so many signs at me, so many opportunities, that I just want to take now, but can't. One more month, one more month and I can do whatever I want, I just gotta hang in there!
Looking over the past 3 months, I am quite proud of myself, I have achieved an enormous amount over such a little time! I thought I was going to struggle so much with my boyfriend away. Funny that, the morning he left, I bawled my eyes out and smoked weed all day... and now, I am 10x stronger.
I've quit smoking cigarettes - I am now 60 days smoke free, apart from two slip-ups, one where I was drunk and another when I was stressed to the max... But the important thing is that I have persevered and learnt from those mistakes (learning relapse prevention in Cognitive psych has been extra useful). However, I never expected that I would still be craving at this point! Cigarettes are so, so nasty and addictive. I have also gone from an everyday stoner to a once-a-week smoker. I can't decide which is a greater achievement! I feel like a new person. As a result, I am doing things that don't involve smoking weed, like visiting my family more, seeing non-smokers who do non-smoking activities, spending time at home by myself, and applying for jobs as a result of my newfound confidence... I just cannot describe how the decision to cut down has changed my life. It's freed me up to do so many things, and FEEL so many things that I was missing out on!
My uni performance has also excelled - even though I stills struggle with stress and lack of freedom, my uni attendance this semester is the highest it has ever been. I rarely missed classes and have handed in all my assignments. This is probably due to increased mental health. I did almost dig myself into a negative hole at one point, but brought myself out of it in about an hour. This is the fastest reverse of depression/anxiety that I have ever experienced. (I did it by seeing it as a separate entity. I talked to it, and I asked it why it was trying to tell me all these negative things. It quickly disappeared... I highly recommend that you try this!) I have really gained a new perspective on things. Uni isn't that important. And as a result, I've done better at it. Ironic, huh?
As a whole, I feel so much more powerful as a person. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything, I can achieve anything. I don't know if mania is still affecting me or if this is my true self, I still have to figure that out... but it is important that I stay confident rather than doubting myself. I struggle with this a lot, I am always analyzing myself, trying to figure out why I'm so happy. Am I unconsciously blocking negative feelings because my attachment figure is unavailable? Am I experiencing mania due to my antidepressants? Is this my anxiety acting up in a positive way? I really can't wait to go off my anti-depressants when uni finishes, so I can find out who I truly am! Am I destined to always be this bubbly and annoyingly happy? We will soon find out! ;)
So those are most of my thoughts lately, or as many as I could catch out amidst the buzz and chatter of my mind. I'm sure more will pop up throughout the day, that I will intend to write about, but will disappear from memory as more thoughts take over...
Now, to finish my second last assignment!
The end is nigh :)
I have always been like this, but moreso now that I'm so close to finishing my degree. I'm getting so excited at the prospect of freedom that I just want it NOW! As it put it to my dad, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to run towards it. This attitude is also resulting in the universe throwing so many signs at me, so many opportunities, that I just want to take now, but can't. One more month, one more month and I can do whatever I want, I just gotta hang in there!
Looking over the past 3 months, I am quite proud of myself, I have achieved an enormous amount over such a little time! I thought I was going to struggle so much with my boyfriend away. Funny that, the morning he left, I bawled my eyes out and smoked weed all day... and now, I am 10x stronger.
I've quit smoking cigarettes - I am now 60 days smoke free, apart from two slip-ups, one where I was drunk and another when I was stressed to the max... But the important thing is that I have persevered and learnt from those mistakes (learning relapse prevention in Cognitive psych has been extra useful). However, I never expected that I would still be craving at this point! Cigarettes are so, so nasty and addictive. I have also gone from an everyday stoner to a once-a-week smoker. I can't decide which is a greater achievement! I feel like a new person. As a result, I am doing things that don't involve smoking weed, like visiting my family more, seeing non-smokers who do non-smoking activities, spending time at home by myself, and applying for jobs as a result of my newfound confidence... I just cannot describe how the decision to cut down has changed my life. It's freed me up to do so many things, and FEEL so many things that I was missing out on!
My uni performance has also excelled - even though I stills struggle with stress and lack of freedom, my uni attendance this semester is the highest it has ever been. I rarely missed classes and have handed in all my assignments. This is probably due to increased mental health. I did almost dig myself into a negative hole at one point, but brought myself out of it in about an hour. This is the fastest reverse of depression/anxiety that I have ever experienced. (I did it by seeing it as a separate entity. I talked to it, and I asked it why it was trying to tell me all these negative things. It quickly disappeared... I highly recommend that you try this!) I have really gained a new perspective on things. Uni isn't that important. And as a result, I've done better at it. Ironic, huh?
As a whole, I feel so much more powerful as a person. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything, I can achieve anything. I don't know if mania is still affecting me or if this is my true self, I still have to figure that out... but it is important that I stay confident rather than doubting myself. I struggle with this a lot, I am always analyzing myself, trying to figure out why I'm so happy. Am I unconsciously blocking negative feelings because my attachment figure is unavailable? Am I experiencing mania due to my antidepressants? Is this my anxiety acting up in a positive way? I really can't wait to go off my anti-depressants when uni finishes, so I can find out who I truly am! Am I destined to always be this bubbly and annoyingly happy? We will soon find out! ;)
So those are most of my thoughts lately, or as many as I could catch out amidst the buzz and chatter of my mind. I'm sure more will pop up throughout the day, that I will intend to write about, but will disappear from memory as more thoughts take over...
Now, to finish my second last assignment!
The end is nigh :)
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