I am 3 weeks away from the end of uni and I am keen as hell for a trip! I'm sick of this mundane routine based, 3 dimensional reality. I want to learn something new, explore the nature of my existence, explore the nature of the universe. That is my deepest desire and has been for some while.
In this blog post I want to take you on my journey with psychedelic 'drugs'. So far, I have only really tried LSD and psilocybin (magic mushrooms). They have distinct differences that I have tried to observe and figure out how each one is useful in different ways. I am keen to get onto DMT, as that's when the real shit happens. But anyway, here's what I have gathered from my trips.
LSD. Acid. Tabs. Cid. Lucy. Alice. Such beautiful names for something that can make you so fucked up. All psychedelics give you clarity, in the sense that you KNOW when things are happening that you didn't while you were sober. For instance, once I took it at my ex-housemates house, where I lived at the time. I was looking at the seating arrangements; it was a square loungeroom, but the way the couches and seats were positioned was kind of in a triangle hierarchy shape. The ones sitting at the top of the triangle were in computer chairs so they were higher up than everyone else. I saw this, and I knew that they were the ringleaders, that some kind of sick game was going on and we were all under their control. I hadn't sensed it before this trip, but a couple months down the track, and their game became clear. I don't talk to these people anymore. This is why you can't trip with people who you are uncomfortable with; you can't run from those feelings or push them down like you do when you want to be civilized. The feeling, their vibes, overcame me and I was scared. I wanted out of the trip. The thing is, once you get into a state of mind on acid you can't get rid of it. At least that's the way it is for me, I know everyone finds it different. But for me, the beginning of a bad trip means the rest of the trip is doomed.
In saying that, I have had some interesting experiences that weren't exactly bad but were frightening in some way, or just peculiar I guess. In my first big acid trip, it started off with throwing a large beach ball around. The colours trailed behind it, and it was as if it flew in slow motion. I could feel my eyes shining as I smiled. Everything was sparkly. It was like I was a kid again, finding the largest joy, laughing and feeling elated, at the sight of a ball in the air. Then things started turning weird.. I noticed that I would go off in a cycle that repeated itself. Like reality spun out of control, weirder and weirder, and then I would find myself feeling 'normal', almost sober, again. Then reality would spin out again. The same things would happen. It was freaky. I carried around a lollypop to bring myself back everytime I lost control. Soon I started to run around the room, and everytime I would get to the same point, it would be the same point in time but in another 'level' of reality, getting closer to 'normal' with each circle. It was like I was running up a staircase of time and space.
The last one I had was with my boyfriend. This was the biggest one I have ever had... we didn't expect our tabs to be that strong. We listened to music, and I could hear every tiny particle of each note of the song. Everything went so SLOW. I thoroughly enjoyed every second, although I had no concept of what a second was. Then, with each song, we began to slip out of reality into what I termed 'trips'. The same spirals I mentioned before, things would repeat and spin out, and then we would snap right back, and try to explain to each other what we had just experienced (we really should have recorded our voices, but the trips pulled us in so strong that we couldn't stay in reality for all that long). Soon, reality disappeared before my eyes, slowly fading out pixel by pixel, until I was standing in a black void. No kidding. I remember thinking that I didn't know what happened to my body, and hoped that I wouldn't wake up to find myself in an asylum. I also remember thinking I shouldn't walk anywhere because I might walk through a wall in 'normal' reality and wake up to find myself in a different room of the house... how would I explain that to his parents? I would have been way more scared, but I had my boyfriend with me in the void, so it was okay. The trip intensified to the point where we were standing atop our own 'trip slides'. Basically like a strong vortex pulling our minds in. The trouble was, we had separate ones. Eventually, we decided to jump. All I remember of this, is a lot of yellow, and colours, and that I knew that I was seeing the past and the future, and that time collapsed into one point. Time was an illusion, it's all happening at the same time. Unfortunately I don't remember much of this either! But I do remember what I thought as I observed all this. Fascinating. It was like I was still able to think to myself, normally, but I couldn't control what happened to reality.
Another interesting phenomenon I have discovered is what I call 'the grid'. It is like a lattice grid made of blue and pink/red laser light that cuts through the air in 3 dimensions (Up/down, Forward/back, side to side). The thing is, there is so many of these lines that it appears to be a fabric. Even the squares of it appear to have some sort of laser webbing, like liquid, swirling about. Others have also seen this grid. I am fascinated by it. I believe it has great potential to reveal the nature of space. Almost all the time on acid, the air feels thicker. I feel like I am viewing the world at a different angle. Somehow, it's like another dimension has unfolded before me. I called it 'High definition reality'. Like HD TV, it is so much more detailed and rich than 'normal reality'. I feel this has something to do with the grid. So yeah, this will be what I explore in my next acid trips.
Mushrooms are so much more smoother, for me at least. Acid makes me feel like I'm exploring a digital world, but mushrooms make me feel like I am some absurd kind of theme park. Everything seems rounder, and funnier. Much funnier! But also, like acid, you get that instant knowledge and clarity. I haven't had many mushroom trips at all, but I found them easier to control, so I prefer them over LSD. In my last magic mushroom adventure, my friends and I watched a video montage called Planet Earth . If you watch a tiny bit of it, it speaks for itself. The orchestra music was the clincher - watching this, I was SO amazed, that we lived on such a beautiful, alive place like this, and that stuff like this was happening that we would never see! It was so beautiful and so amazing that it was almost ridiculous that we had the privilege to live on this thing, and we never appreciate it. I just, laughed, a lot, to the point where tears rolled down my face. So many thoughts melded into one realization, and it seemed impossible that I had never come to this conclusion before. I don't remember the essence of it now because I'm not on mushrooms, and can't possibly think that many thoughts in that space of time. I think alot, but not that much! It was like doing a 26 page math problem in 2 seconds... quite overwhelming, and a beautiful experience. At one point, I decided to look at myself in the mirror. How often do you stare into your own eyes and appreciate the unique soul that you are? I know I don't, but this experience makes me want to do it more. I never felt more connected to myself, never felt more love and care, because I saw who I really was when I looked into my eyes. There is nothing like a good trip to throw everything about, and leave you with nothing but yourself, and nowhere to hide.
I really wish I could draw my trips. I've tried, but there's no way. It's just not of this world. And I don't have enough skill. Sigh. I would love to be able to express these experiences in a better way than with words. These experiences have changed how I see the world. It's like an awakening - my mind has been stretched so far that it can never go back to what it was. And I am thirsty for more.
Hmm, well I hope at least some of you have enjoyed reading this drug riddled post. I am aware that a lot of you will be shaking your heads in disapproval, and I was reluctant to post this at first. But then I thought of my favourite quote at the moment...
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" (Dr Seuss).
Thanks Dr. Seuss, and thanks to those that appreciate the real me, drugs and all.
Thursday, 26 September 2013
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
All signs point to change
My mind is a madhouse at the moment! I feel like there are 1000s of
little mes reminding me of things to do, telling me about things that
would be interesting to think about, trying to correct my behaviour,
motivating me, demotivating me... My mind feels like when you walk into a
room full of people and all you can hear is the buzzing of chatter.
Everyone's voice melds into one. No wonder I'm so distracted.
I have always been like this, but moreso now that I'm so close to finishing my degree. I'm getting so excited at the prospect of freedom that I just want it NOW! As it put it to my dad, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to run towards it. This attitude is also resulting in the universe throwing so many signs at me, so many opportunities, that I just want to take now, but can't. One more month, one more month and I can do whatever I want, I just gotta hang in there!
Looking over the past 3 months, I am quite proud of myself, I have achieved an enormous amount over such a little time! I thought I was going to struggle so much with my boyfriend away. Funny that, the morning he left, I bawled my eyes out and smoked weed all day... and now, I am 10x stronger.
I've quit smoking cigarettes - I am now 60 days smoke free, apart from two slip-ups, one where I was drunk and another when I was stressed to the max... But the important thing is that I have persevered and learnt from those mistakes (learning relapse prevention in Cognitive psych has been extra useful). However, I never expected that I would still be craving at this point! Cigarettes are so, so nasty and addictive. I have also gone from an everyday stoner to a once-a-week smoker. I can't decide which is a greater achievement! I feel like a new person. As a result, I am doing things that don't involve smoking weed, like visiting my family more, seeing non-smokers who do non-smoking activities, spending time at home by myself, and applying for jobs as a result of my newfound confidence... I just cannot describe how the decision to cut down has changed my life. It's freed me up to do so many things, and FEEL so many things that I was missing out on!
My uni performance has also excelled - even though I stills struggle with stress and lack of freedom, my uni attendance this semester is the highest it has ever been. I rarely missed classes and have handed in all my assignments. This is probably due to increased mental health. I did almost dig myself into a negative hole at one point, but brought myself out of it in about an hour. This is the fastest reverse of depression/anxiety that I have ever experienced. (I did it by seeing it as a separate entity. I talked to it, and I asked it why it was trying to tell me all these negative things. It quickly disappeared... I highly recommend that you try this!) I have really gained a new perspective on things. Uni isn't that important. And as a result, I've done better at it. Ironic, huh?
As a whole, I feel so much more powerful as a person. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything, I can achieve anything. I don't know if mania is still affecting me or if this is my true self, I still have to figure that out... but it is important that I stay confident rather than doubting myself. I struggle with this a lot, I am always analyzing myself, trying to figure out why I'm so happy. Am I unconsciously blocking negative feelings because my attachment figure is unavailable? Am I experiencing mania due to my antidepressants? Is this my anxiety acting up in a positive way? I really can't wait to go off my anti-depressants when uni finishes, so I can find out who I truly am! Am I destined to always be this bubbly and annoyingly happy? We will soon find out! ;)
So those are most of my thoughts lately, or as many as I could catch out amidst the buzz and chatter of my mind. I'm sure more will pop up throughout the day, that I will intend to write about, but will disappear from memory as more thoughts take over...
Now, to finish my second last assignment!
The end is nigh :)
I have always been like this, but moreso now that I'm so close to finishing my degree. I'm getting so excited at the prospect of freedom that I just want it NOW! As it put it to my dad, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to run towards it. This attitude is also resulting in the universe throwing so many signs at me, so many opportunities, that I just want to take now, but can't. One more month, one more month and I can do whatever I want, I just gotta hang in there!
Looking over the past 3 months, I am quite proud of myself, I have achieved an enormous amount over such a little time! I thought I was going to struggle so much with my boyfriend away. Funny that, the morning he left, I bawled my eyes out and smoked weed all day... and now, I am 10x stronger.
I've quit smoking cigarettes - I am now 60 days smoke free, apart from two slip-ups, one where I was drunk and another when I was stressed to the max... But the important thing is that I have persevered and learnt from those mistakes (learning relapse prevention in Cognitive psych has been extra useful). However, I never expected that I would still be craving at this point! Cigarettes are so, so nasty and addictive. I have also gone from an everyday stoner to a once-a-week smoker. I can't decide which is a greater achievement! I feel like a new person. As a result, I am doing things that don't involve smoking weed, like visiting my family more, seeing non-smokers who do non-smoking activities, spending time at home by myself, and applying for jobs as a result of my newfound confidence... I just cannot describe how the decision to cut down has changed my life. It's freed me up to do so many things, and FEEL so many things that I was missing out on!
My uni performance has also excelled - even though I stills struggle with stress and lack of freedom, my uni attendance this semester is the highest it has ever been. I rarely missed classes and have handed in all my assignments. This is probably due to increased mental health. I did almost dig myself into a negative hole at one point, but brought myself out of it in about an hour. This is the fastest reverse of depression/anxiety that I have ever experienced. (I did it by seeing it as a separate entity. I talked to it, and I asked it why it was trying to tell me all these negative things. It quickly disappeared... I highly recommend that you try this!) I have really gained a new perspective on things. Uni isn't that important. And as a result, I've done better at it. Ironic, huh?
As a whole, I feel so much more powerful as a person. Sometimes I feel like I can do anything, I can achieve anything. I don't know if mania is still affecting me or if this is my true self, I still have to figure that out... but it is important that I stay confident rather than doubting myself. I struggle with this a lot, I am always analyzing myself, trying to figure out why I'm so happy. Am I unconsciously blocking negative feelings because my attachment figure is unavailable? Am I experiencing mania due to my antidepressants? Is this my anxiety acting up in a positive way? I really can't wait to go off my anti-depressants when uni finishes, so I can find out who I truly am! Am I destined to always be this bubbly and annoyingly happy? We will soon find out! ;)
So those are most of my thoughts lately, or as many as I could catch out amidst the buzz and chatter of my mind. I'm sure more will pop up throughout the day, that I will intend to write about, but will disappear from memory as more thoughts take over...
Now, to finish my second last assignment!
The end is nigh :)
Monday, 16 September 2013
Patience
I have a bit of an issue with time. When I want something, I want it now, or at least in the soonest possible time frame. This issue with time spreads across many different dimensions. When I was little, I watched my 2 minute noodles go around in the microwave. In high school, I wanted to be skinny straight away so I had to take the fastest possible route. Now, I am looking for the fastest possible way to achieve my first goal of being a counsellor.
I admit it, I expected that life was going to be a bit easier, that I would be able to get a job straight away. Recently, I downgraded those expectations. I now thought that I could do a part-time counselling degree for a year, as well as volunteer for a year, and THEN I would be able to get a job in my field. Upon applying for some volunteering roles, I discovered that training to be a helpline volunteer may take up to a year, and cost a shitload of money. Which I don't want to earn, because I'm sick of working a shit job that means nothing to me.
Well, it's time for me to harden up I think. But also, reprogram myself. I think my generation are so used to instant gratification (to the point where I will get pissed off if my iPhone lags- woop de doo), that we must have things now. Everything is so fast. I can find out answers to things on google within 30 seconds, I can pay bills within 5 minutes through internet banking, I don't even have to leave my bed to go shopping. We must definitely be the most impatient generation of humans to ever exist. So no wonder I'm somewhat of a lazy, self-entitled, giver-uperer. But I have resolved that I must not be a victim either.
So, patience. How may I develop patience? Well, meditation will probably help. And a new outlook. Maybe some self administered cognitive behavioural therapy. Yes I want a good job now, no it's not the end of the world that I will have to work an unfulfilling job for a couple more years. Yes I want to be a qualified something now, no it may not happen for a good couple of years either. Be realistic, but not pessimistic. This is my goal.
Still, I am scared. I am scared of having to face the prospect of failures. So maybe that is another reason for my overly optimistic attitude. "Unrealistic optimism", they call it, to avoid thinking about the horrible prospect of failure. I expect it will be easy, therefore I'm not that scared. But now, having to rearrange my gimme gimme gimme attitude into one of patience, perseverance and resilience, I'm going to have to face up to some failures. If I want to get anywhere, that is.
Oh life, how I love your challenges.
I admit it, I expected that life was going to be a bit easier, that I would be able to get a job straight away. Recently, I downgraded those expectations. I now thought that I could do a part-time counselling degree for a year, as well as volunteer for a year, and THEN I would be able to get a job in my field. Upon applying for some volunteering roles, I discovered that training to be a helpline volunteer may take up to a year, and cost a shitload of money. Which I don't want to earn, because I'm sick of working a shit job that means nothing to me.
Well, it's time for me to harden up I think. But also, reprogram myself. I think my generation are so used to instant gratification (to the point where I will get pissed off if my iPhone lags- woop de doo), that we must have things now. Everything is so fast. I can find out answers to things on google within 30 seconds, I can pay bills within 5 minutes through internet banking, I don't even have to leave my bed to go shopping. We must definitely be the most impatient generation of humans to ever exist. So no wonder I'm somewhat of a lazy, self-entitled, giver-uperer. But I have resolved that I must not be a victim either.
So, patience. How may I develop patience? Well, meditation will probably help. And a new outlook. Maybe some self administered cognitive behavioural therapy. Yes I want a good job now, no it's not the end of the world that I will have to work an unfulfilling job for a couple more years. Yes I want to be a qualified something now, no it may not happen for a good couple of years either. Be realistic, but not pessimistic. This is my goal.
Still, I am scared. I am scared of having to face the prospect of failures. So maybe that is another reason for my overly optimistic attitude. "Unrealistic optimism", they call it, to avoid thinking about the horrible prospect of failure. I expect it will be easy, therefore I'm not that scared. But now, having to rearrange my gimme gimme gimme attitude into one of patience, perseverance and resilience, I'm going to have to face up to some failures. If I want to get anywhere, that is.
Oh life, how I love your challenges.
Monday, 9 September 2013
Thunderstorm
Nature is a lot like us (considering nature created us), but I think nature is a lot more lucky.
Nature can flow in and out of days without noticing the time,
while we are glued to our watches.
Nature can roar and scream with thunder and lightening,
unlike us, we keep our storms inside.
Nature can dance with circular winds and crashing waves all day long,
we must live in a structured way.
Nature can weep and suffer but will still rejuvinate,
alot of the time, we give up.
Nature gives itself unconditional love and nourishment,
often we are our own worst enemies.
Nature experiences life without a conscious thought nor a worry,
ours is plagued with these distractions.
Nature's goal is to be,
our goal is more, more, more.
I've always had a fascination with natural disasters and the weather. In particular, tonight's thunderstorm got me thinking about why I like them. I think it is because I envy it's freedom, it can thrash about, destroy things and act in a spontaneous manner, and people still think it is beautiful. You can't hate a storm; because a storm doesn't take on your feelings, there is no purpose in hating a storm. It just is. And even if we don't like it, we can't prevent it from doing whatever it wants. It doesn't care. It must feel amazing.
I want to be a thunderstorm.
Nature can flow in and out of days without noticing the time,
while we are glued to our watches.
Nature can roar and scream with thunder and lightening,
unlike us, we keep our storms inside.
Nature can dance with circular winds and crashing waves all day long,
we must live in a structured way.
Nature can weep and suffer but will still rejuvinate,
alot of the time, we give up.
Nature gives itself unconditional love and nourishment,
often we are our own worst enemies.
Nature experiences life without a conscious thought nor a worry,
ours is plagued with these distractions.
Nature's goal is to be,
our goal is more, more, more.
I've always had a fascination with natural disasters and the weather. In particular, tonight's thunderstorm got me thinking about why I like them. I think it is because I envy it's freedom, it can thrash about, destroy things and act in a spontaneous manner, and people still think it is beautiful. You can't hate a storm; because a storm doesn't take on your feelings, there is no purpose in hating a storm. It just is. And even if we don't like it, we can't prevent it from doing whatever it wants. It doesn't care. It must feel amazing.
I want to be a thunderstorm.
Sunday, 8 September 2013
Maladaptive
So I have been feeling increasingly irritable lately. It seems my wave of mania is over and I'm thinking I'm at risk of diving into another depression.. which I really don't need at the moment, considering that my boyfriend is still away for another month and I have 4 more assignments to complete in 4 more weeks. The assignments seemed to kick it off. Stress, and perceived lack of freedom.
Each day I am fighting off negativity and anger which is overwhelming. I keep trying to open my heart and send out love, but it's emptier than usual. I can feel my heart breaking sometimes. It's breaking for the earth and for all living beings who are suffering at the hands of other horrible, selfish human beings. Humans who are so very alike, but emphasize their differences. Humans who want to push others down to get to the top. Humans who kill because they don't agree with one another. Humans who don't care about anyone else but themselves. Humans who just want money, looks, fame, power... and possession.
Sometimes, I am so ashamed to be human.
How is it that money is our greatest aim? How is it that we encourage rabid consumerism all in the name of economy and at the expense of the environment? How is it that we cannot give to others who are less fortunate than us? How is it that we are more concerned with a fake-reality TV show than the bombing of fellow humans? How is it that opinion is widely accepted as fact in newspapers? How is it that we criticize others based on their looks? How is it that some of us think we own land which never had a price in the first place? How is it that we value looks over spirit? How is it that war takes preference over peace?
We are a twisted and utterly disgusting species. And I want out of this planet. There must be some place across the universe with a more harmonious species.
These are my usual thoughts during a down period. I know when I get back into a positive frame of mind, I will be back to focusing on how I can spread love to everyone and BE the change. After writing this, I am more determined to try again and again. I don't want to become part of the source of hate.
I must breathe, relax, let go... and remember that this too shall pass.
Each day I am fighting off negativity and anger which is overwhelming. I keep trying to open my heart and send out love, but it's emptier than usual. I can feel my heart breaking sometimes. It's breaking for the earth and for all living beings who are suffering at the hands of other horrible, selfish human beings. Humans who are so very alike, but emphasize their differences. Humans who want to push others down to get to the top. Humans who kill because they don't agree with one another. Humans who don't care about anyone else but themselves. Humans who just want money, looks, fame, power... and possession.
Sometimes, I am so ashamed to be human.
How is it that money is our greatest aim? How is it that we encourage rabid consumerism all in the name of economy and at the expense of the environment? How is it that we cannot give to others who are less fortunate than us? How is it that we are more concerned with a fake-reality TV show than the bombing of fellow humans? How is it that opinion is widely accepted as fact in newspapers? How is it that we criticize others based on their looks? How is it that some of us think we own land which never had a price in the first place? How is it that we value looks over spirit? How is it that war takes preference over peace?
We are a twisted and utterly disgusting species. And I want out of this planet. There must be some place across the universe with a more harmonious species.
These are my usual thoughts during a down period. I know when I get back into a positive frame of mind, I will be back to focusing on how I can spread love to everyone and BE the change. After writing this, I am more determined to try again and again. I don't want to become part of the source of hate.
I must breathe, relax, let go... and remember that this too shall pass.
Thursday, 29 August 2013
The old me
Just stumbled upon my other blogspot account by accident, and had a read of my old blogs. All three of them. Yeah, I have always been indecisive. I have always been a lot of things, but there are some things that have changed.
For instance, I'm not as cynical anymore. I no longer think there is no point to living, and that absolutely everyone only cares about themselves, and that life is the ultimate suck-fest. I still think that most people are metaphorical zombies but I try not to assume they are shit because of it... I try.
Also, I like myself now. I no longer struggle with my weight or calories in food. I no longer direct hatred towards myself. I no longer blame myself for things that go wrong or other people's misfortunes. Sure, I still criticise myself sometimes. But this rarely turns into full-blown self-hatred.
A third major change is how I handle my emotions. I no longer try to suppress guilt or sadness with a blade or drugs, and I am much better at expressing myself and trusting people. I still have a lot of trust issues but I handle them a bit (or a lot) better, I think. I am learning that it's okay to let someone know I care about them. Not everyone is going to hurt me. And if they do, I can bounce back.
Overall I am a much more positive person. Reading some of my old posts made me very, very sad. I can't believe I was ever in a state of mind where people were telling me that I seriously needed help. I didn't realise how suicidal I sounded. It never occurred to me that I would ever be happy and learn to love myself. All life was for me was a black hole. Darkness ahead, nothing to light the way. I cried out for help, I pitied myself, and at the same time, I shut everyone out.
So what flipped me to this point? 3 years ago, at my lowest of lows, where I had hurt everyone I possibly could and hated myself for it, where I thought I had lost everything... I met my current boyfriend. I don't think he even knows the extent of my past problems, and he doesn't need to. That was the old me, a me that I would rather leave behind... (as I discovered today)... In every new blog I started I vowed to 'start over', and finally, this was truly my new beginning. Unlike my ex, he didn't place emphasis on the fact that I had some body image and mental health issues... I think this really allowed me to base my identity on something new. I blossomed like a flower, slowly, but surely. My old plant had been burnt down and a new one rose from the ashes. Like a phoenix. I struggled, but I thrived. I healed with unconditional love. I continued to re-evaluated myself and how I viewed the world. And eventually, I started to awaken...
Meditation was my biggest turning point. The end of darkness and the beginning of a rainbow era. For the first time, I got to know and love my true self, the self I was running away from for so long. I discovered my power, my energy, my gifts. And even though I went through another bout of depression this year, it was nowhere as severe as it could have been. It was based on helplessness, not self-loathing. I didn't think I deserved it.
Funnily enough, this turning point actually happened at the brink of '2012'... Was this a rebirth for me? A beginning of a new age?
Whatever it was, I am so grateful that I don't feel those horrible feelings anymore, I'm so grateful I survived. I am so grateful for the people who helped me through, and who helped me grow into the 'new' me (or rather, 'true' me!).
I will never look back.
For instance, I'm not as cynical anymore. I no longer think there is no point to living, and that absolutely everyone only cares about themselves, and that life is the ultimate suck-fest. I still think that most people are metaphorical zombies but I try not to assume they are shit because of it... I try.
Also, I like myself now. I no longer struggle with my weight or calories in food. I no longer direct hatred towards myself. I no longer blame myself for things that go wrong or other people's misfortunes. Sure, I still criticise myself sometimes. But this rarely turns into full-blown self-hatred.
A third major change is how I handle my emotions. I no longer try to suppress guilt or sadness with a blade or drugs, and I am much better at expressing myself and trusting people. I still have a lot of trust issues but I handle them a bit (or a lot) better, I think. I am learning that it's okay to let someone know I care about them. Not everyone is going to hurt me. And if they do, I can bounce back.
Overall I am a much more positive person. Reading some of my old posts made me very, very sad. I can't believe I was ever in a state of mind where people were telling me that I seriously needed help. I didn't realise how suicidal I sounded. It never occurred to me that I would ever be happy and learn to love myself. All life was for me was a black hole. Darkness ahead, nothing to light the way. I cried out for help, I pitied myself, and at the same time, I shut everyone out.
So what flipped me to this point? 3 years ago, at my lowest of lows, where I had hurt everyone I possibly could and hated myself for it, where I thought I had lost everything... I met my current boyfriend. I don't think he even knows the extent of my past problems, and he doesn't need to. That was the old me, a me that I would rather leave behind... (as I discovered today)... In every new blog I started I vowed to 'start over', and finally, this was truly my new beginning. Unlike my ex, he didn't place emphasis on the fact that I had some body image and mental health issues... I think this really allowed me to base my identity on something new. I blossomed like a flower, slowly, but surely. My old plant had been burnt down and a new one rose from the ashes. Like a phoenix. I struggled, but I thrived. I healed with unconditional love. I continued to re-evaluated myself and how I viewed the world. And eventually, I started to awaken...
Meditation was my biggest turning point. The end of darkness and the beginning of a rainbow era. For the first time, I got to know and love my true self, the self I was running away from for so long. I discovered my power, my energy, my gifts. And even though I went through another bout of depression this year, it was nowhere as severe as it could have been. It was based on helplessness, not self-loathing. I didn't think I deserved it.
Funnily enough, this turning point actually happened at the brink of '2012'... Was this a rebirth for me? A beginning of a new age?
Whatever it was, I am so grateful that I don't feel those horrible feelings anymore, I'm so grateful I survived. I am so grateful for the people who helped me through, and who helped me grow into the 'new' me (or rather, 'true' me!).
I will never look back.
Saturday, 10 August 2013
Another look at the Existential Givens
One of my earliest memories of self-talk, or thinking to myself, is one of Existential Isolation. Only today have I discovered this term and its meaning, and this memory came to mind.
I remember as a young girl, maybe 6? ...I thought it was younger, I'm not sure. It was probably when my sense of empathy began to develop, so around the age of 6-7. Every now and then I used become aware that I was looking at the world through my own eyes and I would say to myself, "This is MY life". This was the predominant thought, accompanied by the general sense of 'knowing' that other people were also living and experiencing life, but I would never see the world through anyone elses eyes. I wondered what they were seeing and why I could never see it. I must have been so unconsciously scared by the thought that another voice would always jump in and say "Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot".
As weird as this seemed to me at the time, this now holds a lot of significance to me. After reading about the 4 Existential givens/Ultimate concerns (mentioned in my last blog, see 'Love's Executioner' by Irvin D. Yalom), I realized that the voice that told me to shut up was protecting me from the concern of existential isolation. Existential isolation refers to the barrier that exists between the self and others, even in the presence of deep relationships. It is the fact that we are born alone and we die alone. This causes anxiety, and much like the other givens, we try to protect ourselves from this. A common way is to form a passionate relationship whereby we perceive that two become one. Yalom states that this attitude to a relationship is destined to cave, because we can never fully be one with another (at least in this physical form). This anxiety and how I use my relationships to combat it is definitely true for me, but I thought it was just because I haven't been so kind to myself in the past, and I am scared of how I will speak to myself when I am alone ("Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot" demonstrates this well!)... but this theory and my memory have opened me up to consider that a lot of my anxiety is about being alone, not just physically, but existentially.
Yesterday I was pondering about which attachment style I have (anxious - this theme pops up a lot in my life) and now I'm thinking about this. So many theories in psychology, so many possibilities. But nothing is concrete, I guess any explanation is a good one as long as it makes sense and helps with overcoming major problems in life!
Now that I think about it, Existential Theory is applied in a lot of places. Landmark Education (based on Scientology) did actually address the concerns that life is meaningless and that we have the freedom to live however we want. There was a great discussion about how we are responsible for everything that happens in our lives, and once we assume that responsibility rather than blaming it on external sources, we can free ourselves from our barriers and create our own meaning for our lives. That was probably the only good thing I got out of it, aside from learning how to spot a cult, and to be careful of self-help seminars as they will turn their beneficial learnings on you so you feel obligated to attend and fork out hundreds for future sessions...
Live and learn, every day.
I remember as a young girl, maybe 6? ...I thought it was younger, I'm not sure. It was probably when my sense of empathy began to develop, so around the age of 6-7. Every now and then I used become aware that I was looking at the world through my own eyes and I would say to myself, "This is MY life". This was the predominant thought, accompanied by the general sense of 'knowing' that other people were also living and experiencing life, but I would never see the world through anyone elses eyes. I wondered what they were seeing and why I could never see it. I must have been so unconsciously scared by the thought that another voice would always jump in and say "Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot".
As weird as this seemed to me at the time, this now holds a lot of significance to me. After reading about the 4 Existential givens/Ultimate concerns (mentioned in my last blog, see 'Love's Executioner' by Irvin D. Yalom), I realized that the voice that told me to shut up was protecting me from the concern of existential isolation. Existential isolation refers to the barrier that exists between the self and others, even in the presence of deep relationships. It is the fact that we are born alone and we die alone. This causes anxiety, and much like the other givens, we try to protect ourselves from this. A common way is to form a passionate relationship whereby we perceive that two become one. Yalom states that this attitude to a relationship is destined to cave, because we can never fully be one with another (at least in this physical form). This anxiety and how I use my relationships to combat it is definitely true for me, but I thought it was just because I haven't been so kind to myself in the past, and I am scared of how I will speak to myself when I am alone ("Shut up, Katie, you're an idiot" demonstrates this well!)... but this theory and my memory have opened me up to consider that a lot of my anxiety is about being alone, not just physically, but existentially.
Yesterday I was pondering about which attachment style I have (anxious - this theme pops up a lot in my life) and now I'm thinking about this. So many theories in psychology, so many possibilities. But nothing is concrete, I guess any explanation is a good one as long as it makes sense and helps with overcoming major problems in life!
Now that I think about it, Existential Theory is applied in a lot of places. Landmark Education (based on Scientology) did actually address the concerns that life is meaningless and that we have the freedom to live however we want. There was a great discussion about how we are responsible for everything that happens in our lives, and once we assume that responsibility rather than blaming it on external sources, we can free ourselves from our barriers and create our own meaning for our lives. That was probably the only good thing I got out of it, aside from learning how to spot a cult, and to be careful of self-help seminars as they will turn their beneficial learnings on you so you feel obligated to attend and fork out hundreds for future sessions...
Live and learn, every day.
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